My Unlikely Clown Story Has Arrived!

Happy April Fools Day, everyone. Fear no wily pranks from me today, for actual stories take precedence: The Unlikely Journal of Coulrophobia is up, and my flash piece, “Break the Face in the Jar by the Door,” is available, should you be interested in reading it.

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Me and Lil’ Pennywise. The hijinks we have. The viscera that’s left behind.

Surprisingly, that’s not all. Unlikely Story plans to turn this mini-issue of offbeat clown tales into a larger anthology, tentatively titled Clowns: The Unlikely Coulrophobia Remix. I’m pretty excited about this project and hope it gets funded, so in addition to all the self-promotion, I’m also here to ask for your money. That’s right — it’s Kickstarter time!

Details about the project can be found here. Please take a look and see if you’re interested in helping out. There are a lot of awesome rewards — believe it or not, my particular brand of snark is actually one of them. I’m offering to write a movie review for any film the contributor wants me to watch. (Provided it’s not porn or an inspirational sports movie. I do have limits to my generosity, guys.) But there’s a lot of other neat stuff available, too. I’m pretty interested in those Mari Ness clown limericks, myself.

In the meantime, I hope you’re having a good April Fool’s Day where your tricks are funny but not too mean. (Like, don’t be those guys who pretend to be killer clowns in the middle of the night. That’s just evil, and seems like a good way to get yourself shot.)

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“And I Guess That Was Your Accomplice in the Wood Chipper.”

Sometimes, art deserves a second chance. Often, I’ll enjoy a film but won’t love it until I’ve seen it two or three times. Other times I’ll dislike a movie but change my mind if I give it another go. There are a lot of reasons this can happen, but in the spirit of not being an unforgiving, judgmental asshole all the time, I decided to finally institute Second Chance Tuesdays. (Occasionally. Let’s be clear about that: I prefer to spend the majority of my time watching movies I actually want to watch.) A couple of months ago, I did a poll for my first SCT movie. You guys voted, and one day before my self-imposed deadline, I have your review.

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I’m sorry to disappoint many of you, but I still feel pretty meh about Fargo.

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“We’re Vampires. We Don’t Put Down Towels.”

Last week, I went to see What We Do In the Shadows.

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I don’t know if I loved it the way some people do, but I certainly enjoyed it.

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“You Cannot Lose If You Do Not Play.”

You may or may not have noticed that — save Kingsman: The Secret Service – there have been a distinct lack of movie reviews these past few weeks. That’s partially because I went on vacation, partially because I got sick, partially because I’ve been writing other things, and partially because TV has been ruling the St. George household these days. One of the shows we’ve been watching?

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The Wire has a reputation for being The Best Show to Ever Exist Ever Ever Ever. And while I’m not sure I’ll go quite that far — I’m unlikely to ever proclaim any show, movie, or book better than all other shows, movies, or books — I’ve got to admit, we just wrapped first season and so far, it’s pretty damn good.

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I Am My Own Disney Villain

I was hoping to have a review for you guys today, but I’m afraid my brain kind of tapped out about half an hour ago — I’ve spent the last week working on some edits for one of my upcoming fairy tale noir stories, and my little grey cells seem to be depleted for the night.

On the upside, I bought myself a new favorite hat to use as inspiration for the final story in the trilogy. I’ll let you guys see if you can figure out which fairy tale it’s based on.

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Man. Sleeping Beauty might have been kind of boring, but Maleficent is just the best.

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“Manners Maketh Man.”

The internet provides many things we once found elsewhere: rants, recipes, porn, personality quizzes. It’s the main place I look for movie news and trailers, so it’s pretty rare when I go to the theater and see a preview for something that’s not even on my radar. Such was the case many months ago when Mek and I went to see a movie (I’ve long since forgotten which one) and saw a trailer for Kingsman: The Secret Service. We turned to each other and were like, “What was that, and when do we get to watch it?”

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Well, we watched it last week. And while I do have some problems with the movie, Kingsman is overall pretty damn fun.

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Coming Soon-Ish: Holmes, Earthquakes, and Body-Switching

I was going to try to have a review up today, but I just couldn’t manage it in time. So you get trailers you’ve probably already seen instead. C’est la vie. Happy Friday the 13th!

Tomorrowland

Well, I watched the teaser months ago. Now that I’ve seen a full-length trailer . . . look, I really don’t want to be interested in a movie that’s based on a land from Disneyland, but I can’t help myself. It looks fun. Family-friendly fun, sure, but I really like some of the visuals in this trailer. I’m interested in seeing more live-action films by Brad Bird, and it’s got a pretty spectacular cast. (I swear, I don’t just mind Hugh Laurie. He’s a big part of it, though. You gotta like Hugh Laurie.)

I doubt I’ll see this in theater or anything, but I could rent it at some point.

Mr. Holmes

This is just a teaser, so there’s not much in the way of actual plot revealed in this one. But the gist seems to be that super old Sherlock Holmes, as played by Ian McKellan, will have to solve one last mystery, which will probably be hard because he’s, as aforementioned, super old and having memory problems. I will say that it looks considerably less depressing than I expected when I first heard about the project months ago, but that’s probably because of all the sweeping inspirational music. Hard to say what the tone of the actual film will be, although if Holmes doesn’t bite it at the end, I will honestly be surprised.

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Ben Kingsley is rich. Ben Kingsley is dying. Ben Kingsley transports himself into Ryan Reynolds’s body, and there are side effects. Because that’s apparently something that immortality comes, as Matthew Goode so casually remarks, like that’s not something important that should be mentioned on a brochure or something.

Honestly, my interest in this is pretty middling, but Matthew Goode seems appropriately sinister, and I always want Ryan Reynolds’s movies to do well. His career path is insane. He keeps picking these projects that just bomb, but you can usually see how the movies could have gone well.

In the meantime, this will have to hold us all over until Deadpool.

And finally . . . San Andreas

Oh. My. GOD. The cheese. The CHEESE in this thing.

So, this movie is apparently about the entire destruction of my home state, and I just can’t stop giggling at it. It looks so bad. In fact, I was really surprised when I looked it up and saw that Roland Emmerich didn’t direct it. Seriously, I thought this had his 2012 fingerprints all over it.

And the science, man. The science in this thing looks like it’s going to be impressively terrible, and I’m saying that as someone who only barely remembers her geology course that she took around ten years ago. Is this what people from non-earthquake regions think happens in California? Or that it’s a likely possibility? I’m not trying to say earthquakes can’t be devastating because of course they can, but . . . holy shit, what is this? Besides hysterical, I mean.

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