“Nelson and Murdock, Avocados At Law.”

You may remember that, unlike most everyone else in geekdom, I had kind of a meh reaction when I watched the trailer to Marvel’s Daredevil. (This is, by the way, the last time I will actually type out Marvel’s Daredevil. I have every confidence in you guys to figure it out.) Still, I obviously watched the show cause, you know. Nerd.

The verdict?

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Holy shit, you guys. It’s pretty awesome.

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The Movie Quotes Challenge, No. Five

Happy Monday, everybody. As you’ve no doubt cleverly deduced from the header, I have a quotes challenge for you today — movies, this time. I thought I’d give TV a bit of a break. And in case you’re new here, well, it’s all pretty self-explanatory. The only thing worth mentioning is that if a character’s name comes up in dialogue, I always replace it with BOB. I can’t make it that easy for you.

Please leave your guesses in the comments. Answers will be up next week.

1. “Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas!”

2. “My heartbeat, it beats only for you. Listen closely. It says, ‘BOB, I love you, BOB, the vault.”

3. “Have you a valediction, boyo?”

4. “Right, so, strictly speaking, BOB was your best friend. And how do you feel about the suicide of Your Best Friend? In the world?”

5. “Stop calling me BOB! My name isn’t FUCKING BOB!”
“His name isn’t fucking BOB.”
“His name isn’t fucking BOB.”
“His name isn’t fucking BOB.”
“I thought his name was BOB.”

6. “Do you wonder what your color is? Well, that I won’t tell you. It’s not ladylike to speak of such things. You shouldn’t even have asked.”

7. “I make 40 G’s a year plus dental. You may not have a Skittle.”

8. “Listen, BOB. Don’t start up with your white zone shit again.”

9. “Well, if my cathedral of cutting-edge taste holds no interest for your tragically Canadian sensibilities, then I shall be forced to grant you a swift exit from the premises . . . and a fast entrance into HELL!”

10. “Hmmm. Murdered by pirates, heart torn out and eaten, meet BOB. Can’t quite decide which sounds more fun.”

11. “I’ll kill you! You’ll be dead and I’ll be happy!”

12. “All I know is this: you don’t confront your demons and then defeat them. You confront your demons, then you confront them, then you confront them some more.”

13. “It can be hard to keep track of those things because lunch — lunch is a lot of things, lunch is difficult.”

14. “Did you know that cats can make one thousand different sounds and dogs can only make ten? Cats, man. Not to be trusted.”

15. “FUCK Barbra Streisand! And you!”

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Coming Soon-Ish: Star Wars, Batman v Superman, and The Hateful Eight

Star Wars: The Force Awakens I don’t know if it’s because I was in a bad mood when I watched this, or if it’s because I knew Harrison Ford was going to appear before I saw the trailer. Maybe it’s because I still don’t want the old stars in the new series, despite the obvious fact that that ship has long since sailed. But this teaser spread like wildfire around my social media today, with everyone feeling the old Star Wars magic again, and I was kind of like . . . *shrug.* Which bummed me out because for however cynical I can be sometimes, being a geek is kind of all about joy, and I absolutely wanted to feel that wonder and sentiment that everyone else seemed to feel today. Maybe I’ll get there in the first full-length trailer. (Although, actually, I was definitely more into the first teaser. Hell, maybe I am just having an off day.) On the upside, it’s not a bad-looking trailer, and I was super excited that they remembered, hey, Leia was supposed to have cool Jedi potential too. I will be PISSED if I don’t get to see Leia do at least something with the Force in these movies. That has always bummed me out. But please, for the love of God, don’t bring Darth Vader back. Please say that’s not why we’re using present tense, not unless we’re bringing him back as the badass villain he once was, and even then . . . I don’t know, guys. Sometimes, I think it’s better if the best villains stay dead. The Hateful Eight For a teaser that doesn’t feature any actual footage, I’m surprisingly into this. Well, not that surprisingly — it’s Quentin Tarantino, after all, and it stars Walton Goggins, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurt Russell, and Tim Roth, among others. I’m desperately curious to see a full-length trailer now, and my only real disappointment is that there appears to only be one girl in the whole hateful eight because of course there is. On the upside, there’s also apparently a dude who’s known by the name Cow Puncher. Obviously, I need to know more about that guy. Burying the Ex Oh, no. Not feeling this one at all. Which is disappointing — zombie comedies are usually right up my alley, and I generally like Anton Yelchin. All the zombie-spewing embalming fluid stuff is kind of awesome, too. But the general premise of Girlfriend From Hell feels so . . . blech. It’s done and it’s boring and I’m kind of over watching movies about poor nice guys whose meanie mean girlfriends stomp all over them. Like yeah, I’ve known women who are over-controlling, too, but this over-the-top crazy? It feels like yet another movie where I’m being asked to sympathize with a boy’s fears about the Crazy Bitch Girlfriend, and I’m just not that interested. Actually, I’d have been a lot more curious if this whole story was gender-swapped, and the boyfriend wasn’t abusive or awful, just really annoying. That might have worked for me. Scream Yup. MTV has made a TV show based off the horror movie franchise, and I am absolutely going to watch it. Less because this trailer does anything for me — because it really doesn’t — but because it’s the Scream franchise and I have to. Also because Bex Taylor-Klaus is apparently going to be in it, and because I love Teen Wolf so much that I’m actually a little excited it’s going to be on MTV. I know. I never thought I’d say that, either. It totally could suck. But I’m at least going to try it out. Dark Matter This is another TV show that may also suck, but you can bet I’ll be watching the hell out of it anyway. A group of amnesiacs trapped together in space? Shit, that kind of show is practically made for me. Will I be disappointed? Oh, probably. I can’t actually think of a Group Amnesia movie I ended up being particularly satisfied with, and there’s nothing about this trailer that’s hugely original. Still. All the potential in that premise! Someday, I’m going to find a winner. Will it be you, Dark Matter? Can it be you after all this time? And finally . . . Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Because of technical difficulties, I’m just going to refer you to io9 if you want to watch this one. But it looks . . . interesting. I still haven’t made myself watch Man of Steel yet, but I know most of the major stuff that happens in it. (Still. I will watch it before I see Dawn of Justice. I will make myself do this, even if I have almost zero interest.) And this looks pretty dark. That seems to be a turnoff to a lot of people who enjoy the relatively zippier Marvel movies, but in a way, I’m glad that DC has a different tonal approach — it makes it feel more like their own. Also, sometimes I feel a little bad for DC. Not always — their fuck-ups can not all or even mostly be blamed on other people — but I can’t help but feel that Marvel gets praised when it goes light and praised when it goes dark, and DC gets shit on for doing anything. And damn it, I like the Justice League. I like Batman. Maybe this movie will suck donkeyballs, but I refuse to go into it with that as my default expectation. Okay. That became more of a rant than I intended. Let’s get back to the trailer, cause I’m getting mad Injustice vibes from it. (Without the amazing trio that is Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Harley Quinn, unfortunately.) Honestly, I’m a little more interested because of those Injustice vibes, and I’ll happily watch this again when the official trailer (with better quality) comes out. I’m not sure I’m feeling Batman’s glowy eyes, though. The voice is . . . well, I don’t know. I get why everyone’s comparing it to Christian Bale’s growl, but I think it actually reminds me a lot more of Shao Kahn. Surprisingly, I don’t absolutely hate it, although I feel like it might have been a wise decision to not do that and go with something more understated. Then again, I’m thinking this might not be the most subtle and understated of movies. I guess we’ll see how it all plays out next year.

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“Frankly, My Dear, I Don’t Give a Damn.”

So. I am way, way behind on my 2015 Best Picture Winner Challenge. Thus far, I’ve only watched one film and I didn’t care for it at all. I thought maybe I’d reward myself with a movie that — hopefully — would be more my speed, but I took too long in doing so, and before I knew it, spring had come. Which meant only one thing: I had to watch Gone With the Wind.

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See, knowing that Gone with the Wind is a four-hour American epic, Mek and I decided to make an Event out of it: an indoor Easter picnic. We spread a blanket out over the carpet and ate classy finger foods like lunch meats and cheese slices and Bagel Bites. (Briefly, we considered classing it up for real, but I don’t much like cucumber sandwiches, and Mekaela chose Martinelli’s in wine glasses over actual wine, so that was basically that.) I put on my petticoat and we both wore our fancy hats and it was, all in all, a pretty good time.

But maybe we should have gotten real booze because oh my God this MOVIE.

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“I’m Not the Bad Guy.”

Netflix’s Daredevil comes out tomorrow and nerds ’round the world are pretty jazzed about it — all except me, it seems. Don’t get me wrong: I do plan to watch the series. I even figure I’ll probably like it, assuming all the buzz it’s been generating for the past few weeks is worth a damn. But I’m just not as excited as I’d like to be, partially because I was underwhelmed by the first trailer, and partially because I’m — perhaps unfairly — annoyed by EW’s recent review, where they refer to it as a superhero show “specifically for grown-ups,” unlike all those other “juvenile” superhero TV shows that I’m passionate about. It’s interesting when a review makes you feel like a scolded child for enjoying something.

Anyway. New Daredevil got Mekaela and I talking about old Daredevil, naturally. People are eager to talk shit about that movie, and it’s not like I loved it, either, but I found myself wondering — was it really as bad as everyone said? People can be prone to over exaggeration, after all, and Ben Affleck’s been a pretty easy target for the last fifteen years or so. Then again, that’s basically what I thought about Fantastic Four, too (sans Affleck, obviously), until I rewatched it last year and discovered, No, it really IS a pretty crappy movie. I felt like I needed to give Daredevil the same chance.

My verdict?

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Well, let me put it this way: Daredevil the TV show? It can’t possibly be any worse.

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6 Different Ways The Goonies Are All Doomed – A Drinking Game

It was my sister’s birthday yesterday, and we did a lot of the low-key, generally-nerdy things that make up my (and, hopefully, her) favorite kind of days: dining out, a trip to the bookstore, a successful game of Castle Panic, and playing a drinking game to The Goonies.

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I’m not doing one of my normal reviews for The Goonies today because I already have two reviews in the works, plus a few writing projects that are important beause I could actually get paid for them. I was born a sell-out, kids. I like money.

I also apparently like ruining childhood memories. The drinking game, per usual, did not actually lead to getting drunk — more on that below — but it did lead to a list of the many more realistic ways The Goonies should have turned out. Before we get to that, though, let me give you the Rules in case you, too, like to mix nostalgia with copious amounts of alcohol.

The Goonies Drinking Game

Take a sip whenever

Mikey uses his inhaler
Anyone says the words “rich stuff”
Whenever the kids consult the map
Data uses a gadget
Mouth speaks Spanish
Anyone tells Mouth to shut up
Anyone says “One-Eyed Willy”
Whenever the Fratellis argue
Anytime anyone says a word wrong
Anytime someone says “Goonies never say die”

Despite the fact that I take a ridiculous amount of pleasure coming up with drinking game rules, Mekaela and I aren’t particularly heavy drinkers, so we just played this with sips of hard cider. (We did find out, however, that I apparently take bigger sips than Mekaela does.) Obviously any type or quantity of alcohol could be used in your game, although I beg of you — if you’re taking shots, PLEASE do not do so when Mikey uses his inhaler or when someone says, “One-Eyed Willy.” I will not be responsible for your deaths. (On the other hand “Goonies never say die” is only stated once, so making that a shot is one solid variation.)

One 80’s classic and two bottles of hard cider later, I have come up with six different scenarios for you. Don’t let Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner fool you. This is . . .

What REALLY Happened To The Goonies:

Scenario One:

Mikey, after taking his inhaler four times in ten minutes despite exhibiting zero symptoms of respiratory distress, promptly suffers an episode of tachycardia before he can leave his home to look for hidden pirate treasure. Upon returning from her shopping trip, his mother drives him to the hospital. Though Mikey makes a full recovery, he has no time to discover the rich stuff before his father signs the papers. The Goonies never see each other again. The Fratellis are eventually caught — competence obviously not being one of their finer points — but it takes some time, and several innocent people die before they can be apprehended. This includes Sloth, who is unjustly killed by the police, considering no band of mischievous children appear to stick up for his heroics.

Scenario Two:

Mikey and his friends make it to the restaurant. Brand, unfortunately does not, as Troy’s little stunt running him off the road results in Brand breaking his neck. Andy and Stef find Brand’s body and tell the Goonies outside the restaurant. Obviously heartbroken, Mikey returns home. One-Eyed Willy is never discovered, and the Fratellis (including Sloth) meet the same end as in Scenario Two.

Scenario Three: 

The Goonies safely make it to the caves beneath the fireplace and force Chunk to go fetch the cops on his own, proving once again that they’re pretty terrible friends, not to mention lousy forward-thinkers, as Chunk is the least credible member of the group. When Chunk is naturally captured by the Fratellis, he is tortured for information. And once the helpful bats reveal that he was telling the truth all along, Chuck is then promptly murdered because seriously. We all know this. Thus, Sloth never makes it out of his chains, never having the proper Baby Ruth motivation to break them.

Meanwhile, Andy and Stef are not significantly moved by Mikey’s rousing speech, and choose to ride the bucket up to Troy, the King Douchebag, and his douchebag friends. Unfortunately, Andy doesn’t realize until it’s too late that she was bitten by one of the bats. She contracts rabies and dies days later. On the bright side, Stef lives, although she does develop a fairly understandable case of chiroptophobia.

Sadly, Data dies when his Pinchers of Peril utterly and predictably fail to hold his weight, and he is impaled on the spikes below. The others manage to safely make it down but of course are stymied without Andy to play the piano from Hell. They try anyway, though, as the Fratellis are coming, and even manage to guess one note correctly before plummeting to their doom.

Scenario Four:

The Goonies miraculously make it to One-Eyed Willy’s ship, where the Fratellis catch up with them. However, instead of having them walk the plank for no reason whatsoever, Mama Fratelli and her sons instead immediately skewer the Goonies with their pirate swords. Chunk and Sloth valiantly show up to save the day, only to find a bunch of dead children. Still valiantly, they try to avenge Chunk’s fallen friends. Everyone dies but Mama Fratelli, who accidentally sets off One-Eyed Willy’s trap and is thus trapped forever without Sloth to get her through whatever alternate route.

Scenario Five:

The Goonies and the Fratellis make to the beach. However, when Rosalita discovers the jewels at the last minute, she wisely keeps that discovery to herself so that she can buy herself a better life where she doesn’t have to earn a living by helping supposed drug lords move.

Scenario Six:

The Fratellis make it to the beach, and Rosalita does reveal the jewels. Triumphantly, the papers are ripped up.

Unfortunately, six months later, Data’s parents decide to move to Detroit after all — as parents will do — and Data never sees or hears from any of the Goonies ever again.

Rosalita is fired after Mrs. Walsh discovers the broken statue and incorrectly assumes that she was responsible.

Chunk’s parents do not honor his promise to adopt Sloth, who ends up homeless. Meanwhile, Chunk becomes very depressed, eventually comes to resent his friends for being assholes to him, and stops speaking to them a few years later. Enduring the Truffle Shuffle alone costs him thousands of dollars in therapy.

Mikey also starts going to therapy because Brand rightfully informs their parents that his little brother believed a centuries old skeleton was sentient and had been waiting for him to visit, not to mentioned introduced his friends to said skeleton like this was a legitimately normal thing to do. Mikey is treated for his delusional beliefs; incidentally, he also stands by his decision to throw away his inhaler after years of abusing it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the inhaler on him when he suffers an actual asthma attack, having trusted Andy that being a good kisser will make up for his malfunctioning lungs. As the Power of Love (or Lips) is not a scientifically supported remedy for asthma, Mikey of course dies. Brand blames Andy for his brother’s death, and the two break up. Andy doubles down on her conviction that one only needs purely natural remedies for serious physical conditions and creates a blog about them once the internet is born. Brand, meanwhile, goes to college and does pretty well, despite being haunted by persistent dreams that the ghost of his dead brother is now sailing with One-Eyed Willy. Brand also never learns to drive. For Reasons.

Mouth and Stef start having on again/off again hate sex, once Mouth grows up enough that their age difference becomes less creepy. This continues even after they get married to other people.

Finally, the Fratellis escape prison with the same sort of sophisticated techniques they used the last time. The brothers eventually end up killing each other, mostly by accident, but Mama Fratelli lives on to commit terrible crimes and terrify children everywhere with what is clearly not water.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this evening of Ruining Childhood Classics with Carlie St. George. Please remember to tip your wait staff and drink responsibly!

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“Wicked is Good.”

I’ve never read The Maze Runner and I didn’t hear particularly good things about the movie. And yet I watched it anyway and we all know why: Stiles.

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The thing is, The Maze Runner actually has a decent amount of potential. Unfortunately, it fumbles that potential pretty hard all throughout the film.

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