Cabin in the Woods was filmed in 2009. I’ve wanted to see Cabin in the Woods since I first heard about it . . . and yes, that was back in 2009. Can you blame me? A horror movie written by Joss Whedon, directed by Drew Goddard, and starring Chris Hemsworth, Fran Kranz, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, and Amy Acker? Of course I wanted to see this movie.
Why did it take me so long? Well, life. That, and Joss Whedon’s other big movie, The Avengers, required at least two viewings. I couldn’t help myself. But hey, patience does have its advantages: three dollar tickets, baby.
Also, in case you were wondering? The movie itself is kind of incredible.
Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted some trailers. I feel like we should begin with some fine literature.
The Great Gatsby
Let’s be honest: the only reason I have any interest in seeing this at all is because Baz Luhrmann’s directing it, and I’m really hoping there’s a lot more Moulin Rouge style craziness than you get in the trailer. I did read The Great Gatsby in high school, but other than the ending—which the introduction spoiled for you, those dirty, rotten bastards—I remember almost nothing about it. I’m pretty sure I thought it was an easy read, but I really didn’t have any feeling for it one way or the other. On the color spectrum of academia—where The Catcher in the Rye is gold and The Call of the Wild is the darkest, ugliest black—The Great Gatsby is apparently taupe, bland and inoffensive and just sort of there.
(I should probably mention, I’ve been awake for the past 26 hours or so. There may be a slight incoherence to my metaphors today. Or pretty much anything I write.)
So, while the cast is obviously talented—Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan, Tobey Maguire, Joel Edgerton, Isla Fisher—-there’s no one here that I like enough to make a viewing really worth it . If I see it at all, it’ll probably because one of my parents made me watch it.
Maniac
NSFW. Red-Band Trailer. You have been warned. Also . . . yes, this looks highly disturbing.
Maniac is a remake of a 1980 horror movie that I’ve only seen about 45 seconds of. (It may have been the best 45 seconds in the movie, though, or at least the most memorable.) This new one is written by Gregory Levasseur and Alexandre Aja (who wrote and directed High Tension and the 2006 remake of The Hills Have Eyes, respectively) and also stars Elijah Wood . . . which is just excellent. I’ve been pretty much just waiting for him to play a serial killer again ever since Sin City.
The trailer definitely feels old and oddly out-of-sync, which just makes it seem all the more unsettling to me. I’ll admit, I have some hopes for this one. It certainly looks squicky enough. We’ll have to see if it can be genuinely scary too.
The Apparition
So going from disturbing horror movie to been-there, done-that horror movie . . . look, there could be an interesting idea in here, about how the supernatural beastie who’s about to eat you only exists because you believe in him. But I was severely underwhelmed by this trailer. Sure, there’s a shot or two that’s cool in here—like when Bucky Barnes wakes up on the ceiling and then again on the couch—but we got off to a real bad start from the get-go with that whole voiceover that could have been taken straight from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Plus, it just looks . . . generic. Exceedingly generic. I could be wrong, of course—The Apparition might be good—but the only thing that interested me about this trailer was realizing that I was looking at and listening to Draco Malfoy.
The Good Doctor
When I said I wanted to see Orlando Bloom in more contemporary stuff, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Not that The Good Doctor will be bad, necessarily, and I’m all for seeing Bloom play less heroic roles, but this not-quite Munchausen-by-proxy love story/thriller doesn’t really look like my cup of tea. Plus, it does seem like the trailer tells you pretty much everything that happens in the whole movie. I’d see this over The Three Stooges—I’d see almost anything over The Three Stooges—but The Good Doctor is not exactly topping my list.
And finally . . .
Skyfall
Well, this looks kind of awesome.
I am by no means a huge James Bond fanatic. I’ve probably seen four Bond films all the way through, but Casino Royale was one of them, and I enjoyed that movie a lot. (I never did see Quantum of Solace. I know it’s dumb, but I just couldn’t past the name. Then I heard it kind of sucked, so I didn’t feel so bad about my irrational ill will towards the movie.) It’s too early to tell how good Skyfall will actually be, of course, but as far as teaser trailers go, this isn’t a bad one. (Also Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, and Naomie Harris! Yay Naomie Harris! I really like her.)
Taking a brief break from superhero movies—I realize the last six films I’ve reviewed have been The Incredible Hulk, The Avengers, and Batman through Batman & Robin—I thought I might try something a little bit different.
I don’t know if it’s my favorite alien invasion movie of all time, but it’s really good.
The worst thing about not being a professional movie critic is that it doesn’t matter how much time you spend working a review—you could write your little heart and soul out, bleed yourself dry, and you’re still not getting paid. On the other hand, the very best thing about not being a professional movie critic is that when you stumble upon a film that you’ve told yourself to review—even though you know full well that it is the kind of cinematic trash that will make you weep blood, the very sort of abject horror that you can’t possibly stomach without vast quantities of alcohol in your system—well, you don’t have to watch it without vast quantities of alcohol in your system.
Thus, may I present . . .
. . . The Batman & Robin Drinking Game!
(Please drink responsibly. AKA, don’t use vodka. You won’t make it four minutes.)
. . . and not in the wow, you just did a really great depressing episode kind of way, more in the dammit, you’re making me question whether I really want to bother watching you anymore because you could be so much BETTER than this kind of way.
Bad shows are just bad shows, but okay shows that could be AMAZING shows? They are the saddest things of all.
For disillusionment, disgust, and annoyance, please continue. Mind you, there are spoilers for “The Crimson Hat” and all prior episodes.
The Avengers was awesome. This must be said. (And then repeated. And then possibly even sung.) But The Avengers is not the only gigantic superhero movie coming to a theater near you this summer. There’s a certain trilogy by Christopher Nolan that has to wrap up, which means I have a fair number of reviews to finish before July 28th.
So let’s get back to it, shall we?
I definitely have all kinds of childhood nostalgia for this movie. Doesn’t make the Missile Penguins any less stupid, though.
