“Since This is Our First Experience With Demonic Ninjas, We’re Thinking We Should Play it Safe.”

All right, folks. I have finally caught up — this is the last Teen Wolf recap you will be subjected to until summer, when Season 4 comes out.

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Also, in case you were wondering? Season 3B has easily been my favorite season to date.

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“How Singularly Innocent I Look This Morning.”

It’s film noir time again. Let’s head back to the classics, shall we?

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I really enjoyed parts of Laura. But — in true Carlie fashion — I wanted to rework a lot of it, too. Blasphemy!

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Coming Soon-Ish: Superheroes, Turtles, Raptures, and Gone Girl

X-Men: Days of Future Past

This is the final trailer for Days of Future Past, and I’ll admit, it’s a pretty good one, enough to spark a little more interest in me. It sucks, how disenchanted I’ve become with the X-Men franchise, that my little, hardened heart keeps reminding me, Don’t trust it. Just remember how bad you felt after X-Men: The Last Stand. Honestly, I think that’s the most disappointed I’ve ever felt at a movie theater in my whole life.

I’ll definitely see this in theaters, and with any luck, it’ll be awesome, but I’m just trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Hercules

Thankfully, that will not be a problem with this movie. Directed by Brett Ratner — who, wouldn’t you know it, also directed X-Men: The Last Stand – Hercules looks like it could be a spectacularly bad movie. Like, this may be one of the worst trailers I’ve ever seen. EVER. The part where the GIANT FUCKING LION is leaping at Hercules in slow motion? I was laughing my ass off right then. Oh my god. It’s Wrestler Hercules vs Aslan on Steroids. DYING right now.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Sadly for my childhood nostalgia, this doesn’t look a lot better. I mean, it looks a little better — it’s got William Fichtner in it, so, obviously. But . . . the turtles are kind of creepy, right? I don’t know if there was really a way to get around that, but the eyes . . . and the lips . . . I’m just saying. These guys would freak me out too.

Oh well. I’ll always have this to cheer me up.

Girl Meets World

Continuing onwards with people updating my childhood entertainment . . . yes, I was totally a Boy Meets World fan, so it was basically mandatory that I tried this little teaser out. And, you know, it looks cute. I mean, I doubt I’m actually going to watch it or anything, but it’s not totally cringe-inducing for a Disney Channel show. And, okay yeah. I’ll probably pay attention when Rider Strong eventually guest stars. Look, I’m in touch with my inner twelve year old girl, okay? YOU LEAVE ME AND MY CHILDLIKE HEART ALONE.

The Leftovers

While we’re talking television, though, let’s skip over to a trailer more geared for adults: HBO’s upcoming show: The Leftovers.

This looks pretty interesting. I’m kind of a sucker for rapture stories, weirdly, or I would be if I could some with a more secular, less judgmental bent. And . . . I’m hopeful for this one. Maybe it will be awesome, and I’ll finally have a water cooler show to talk about other than Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead.

Lucy

This looks kind of fun. My biggest concern is that superheroes — or any type of action heroes, really — with unlimited power get kind of boring after a while because, honestly, what’s the challenge there? How do you get invested in someone who can basically do anything? On the other hand, I’m all into Scarlett Johansson kicking ass these days, and this could be a pretty enjoyable summer movie. I’d consider seeing it in theater.

And finally . . . Gone Girl

This is one of those books I’ve been meaning to read but just haven’t gotten around to yet. (It doesn’t help that I’m in a bit of a reading rut right now. My focus appears to be limited to graphic novels and fanfiction. It’ll pass.) But this . . . this is a pretty damn good trailer. On one hand, movies about marital discord are not high on my interest level. They’re actually pretty damn low, and unfortunately, that’s clearly a huge part of this story. But I love mysteries, and there’s something about how this trailer is shot that really intrigues me. Nothing I can seem to put into words — fail, writer, epic FAIL — but consider me interested. A rental, at least.

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Casting the Expendabelles

After the success of The Expendables and The Expendables II (as well as the likely success of the upcoming Expendables III), there’s been some talk about making an all-female spin-off to the series called, rather unfortunately, Expendabelles. The title is not my only concern — the director and writers who are currently attached have a resume made up primarily of bad romantic comedies, rather than badass action movies. I desperately don’t want this to be a cheesy romp full of nothing but cleavage shots and terrible girl power jokes . . . but if this movie could be done well? Shit, how AWESOME would that be, amirite?

With that in mind, Mekaela and I came up with a cast wish list — twelve actresses who we’d like to see in a movie about kickass female mercenaries beating the shit out of one another. Some of these actresses are action and/or B movie veterans — keeping in line with the Expendables franchise — but we did pick a couple of lesser known actresses from TV as well who we think could fit right in.

Let’s first discuss our heroes. (Oh, yeah. We totally divided our good guys and bad guys.)

HEROES:

Sigourney Weaver

(Okay, this isn’t the best quality, but desperate times, right? I had to have the power loader scene.)

We didn’t bother coming up with any kind of character roles for most of our cast, but it is absolutely imperative that Ripley plays the head honcho of our good guys. IMPERATIVE.

Action Resume: Alien franchise

Michelle Rodriguez

This is, admittedly, probably not the movie that would break Michelle Rodriguez out of the same role she always plays . . . but how could we not include her? On the plus side, if she’s on the hero team, she has a much better chance of survival than usual.

Action Resume: Resident Evil franchise; The Fast and the Furious franchise; SWAT; Girlfight; Avatar; Machete; Machete Kills

Claudia Black

Because Aeryn Sun is one of my favorite badasses of all time, and really, that’s all there is to it.

Action Resume: Farscape

Sarah Shahi

Sarah Shahi might be the least well known actress on this list, but I love her as Shaw so much on PoI that I’d really like to see her do more, especially if that more includes kicking the shit out of people. Cause she seems to be pretty good at that.

Action Resume: Person of Interest

Lucy Liu

Cause, dude. LUCY LIU. I love Lucy Liu. Do I really have to say anything else?

Action Resume: Kill Bill; Charlie’s Angels; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever

Gina Torres

Okay, Youtube? You have failed me. How are there not more clips of Gina Torres online? I’m aware she’s another actress primarily known for her work in television, but still. I was going to upload a Firefly clip, but there are so few available that I picked one from a show I completely gave up on instead because I wanted a scene where she actually had lines.

Anyway. A lot of nerds might have picked Summer Glau — who I do like and was definitely on the shortlist — but if I have to recruit only one Firefly/Serenity badass, I’m actually going to go with Zoe. Cause, you know. Big damn hero, and all that.

Action Resume: Firefly, Serenity, Alias

Zoe Saldana

HA! I’ve never actually seen Colombiana before, but dude — SPOILER ALERT — she kills someone with sharks. That’s HILARIOUS.

So, yes. For our final team member in this band of heroes, we’re definitely going Zoe Saldana. She’s a pretty great actress, one of the main go-to girls for science fiction action right now, and again, kills people with sharks. That’s a winner right there.

Action Resume: Star Trek; Star Trek Into Darkness; Avatar; The Losers; Colombiana; Guardians of the Galaxy. (Okay, that one’s upcoming. Still.)

VILLAINS:

Linda Hamilton

Because you know you want Sarah Connor to be the leader of the bad guys. Come on. And she and Sigourney Weaver have to square off in a climactic battle. Obviously.

Action Resume: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Katee Sackhoff

Cause Katee Sackhoff would make an amazing villain. I remember when they tried doing a Bionic Woman remake on TV however many years ago, and it was pretty terrible, except Katee Sackhoff was so AWESOME as the bad guy. I think she would be an awful lot of fun here.

Action Resume: Battlestar Galactica; Riddick

Michelle Yeoh

Honestly, I haven’t seen Michelle Yeoh in quite some time, but I like her, and Mek and I both thought she could be a pretty fun addition to the cast. Especially since I’m mostly used to seeing her play good guys. It might be fun to see her as someone evil.

Action Resume: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Tomorrow Never Dies

Milla Jovovich

Speaking of someone who almost always plays good guys . . . Milla Jovovich is like the B-movie action queen. I definitely want her on the side of the villains. (Is it too much if Michelle Rodriguez is the one to take her down? Cause I kind of think that’d be fun.)

Action Resume: The Fifth Element; Resident Evil movies; Ultraviolet; The Three Musketeers

Lucy Lawless

(Man, I love these opening credits. “A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle!” LOVE IT. Also, I totally forgot Karl Urban guest starred on this show. I am so happy right now!)

Anyway, who better to play our last villain than Xena, Warrior Princess. (Although, in all honesty, I was really thinking of a guest spot she did on Burn Notice when I casted her here. Like Katee Sackhoff, Lucy Lawless could be a lot of fun as a villain. She’s got a particularly great smile, and I think the best villains are the ones that grin like madmen and trickster gods.)

Action Resume: Xena: Warrior Princess, Battlestar Galactica

There are, of course, a ton of great actresses that didn’t quite make the cut for our list. If you have any or your own suggestions, though, I’d love to hear them.

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“Sweetheart, My Last Boyfriend was a Homicidal Lizard, So I Think I Can Handle a Werewolf.”

My obsessive coverage of Teen Wolf continues.

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. . . do you think I could list ‘TV Marathon Champion’ as some kind of marketable skill on a resume?

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“I Had Rather Hear My Dog Bark at Crow Than a Man Swear He Loves Me.”

Being as much of a Joss Whedon nerd as I am — and seeing how Much Ado About Nothing is one of my favorite Shakespeare plays of all time — it’s kind of surprising how long it took me to watch this movie.

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Ultimately, it’s . . . okay. But I didn’t love it nearly as much as I had hoped to.

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2014 Season Finales – January to March

While the greater majority of network TV shows end in May, there are a handful of programs I regularly watch which have recently (or, in some cases, not so recently) wrapped up. Since I like a fair amount of television, I figured I’d help myself out a little by splitting up my Season Finale Report Card in . . . halves? Thirds? Five at a time?

Whatever, here’s what I got so far.

DISCLAIMER: There will be SPOILERS. Just so you know.

Psych

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Oh, awesome. So awesome. This was not only the season but the series finale of Psych, and it was basically everything I wanted from the last episode of the show. The case itself wasn’t really a big deal, and that was fine — I didn’t really want or need some kind of huge villain mastermind trying to one-up the Yin-Yang trilogy. (Especially considering I hated how that one concluded. Hated. I’m still a little bitter about it.)

What Psych did instead was focus on all the emotional relationship stuff, and while “The Break-Up” was still funny, it did a great job at hitting all the real moments between characters too, and that was hugely satisfying for me. For Christ’s sake, I actually got all choked up when Shawn was saying goodbye and apologizing to Gus. Lassie’s reaction to Shawn’s confession was perfection. The proposal was adorable, and if Billy Zane wasn’t good enough, holy JESUS, they got VAL KILMER. If you don’t watch this show, you probably don’t know why that’s amazing, but it so totally is. The only way they could possibly have one-upped this episode was if they had managed to get Emilio Estevez on it, since literally everyone else who’s still alive from The Breakfast Club has guest-starred at least once . . . but that’s okay. Because VAL KILMER. Also, McNab got promoted! YES!

I pretty rarely stick with shows until the bitter end, and when I do — well, I often find those ends just too damn bitter to enjoy. But this, this might be my favorite season finale of all time.

FINALE GRADE:

A+

SEASON GRADE:

B

Sleepy Hollow

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Okay, so it’s been quite a while since “Bad Blood” aired, and while I thought I wrote down some initial reactions back in, like, January . . . well, apparently, I didn’t. So. From what I remember, I enjoyed this well enough. People’s reactions seemed pretty divided, depending on how they felt about the Henry Parish twist. For my part, I kind of loved it for two reasons: one, John Noble was being wasted in the role of the sin eater, so I’m all on board for seeing him as an actual villain next season, and two, this actually subverts all of my expectations about Jeremy coming back as a hot, whiny, twenty-something year old, which is basically the best news EVER.

Plus, who doesn’t like a cliffhanger? Peril, peril for everyone!

FINALE GRADE:

B+

SEASON GRADE:

B+

The Walking Dead

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Hm. About this one, I’m a little . . . underwhelmed. I mean, it’s not a bad episode. Rick’s ongoing morality/immorality wheel is not my favorite thing about this show, but I figure it’s relatively well-handled here, and the scene where you’re just listening to Rick stab the shit out of this guy . . . that’s pretty good. And I also like the actual moment when Rick realized, ‘Hey, I know that watch’  . . . although his automatic ‘Let’s attack the superior forces’ game plan could use a little work. But I don’t know. Everyone gets corralled into the train car, and I just was kinda like, shrug.

Like I said, I didn’t hate it — and it was so much better than the third season finale, Christ — but I was still hoping for a little more. Though, admittedly, I’m hard-pressed to say exactly what that little more should have been.

Next season: Tyrese, Carol, and Baby Judith to the rescue?

FINALE GRADE:

B

SEASON GRADE:

A-

Almost Human

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Well, that was . . . underwhelming. Both the season finale and the whole season, really.

This is disappointing because I really, really wanted to like Almost Human. And I do like parts of it, the parts that are named Michael Ealy, anyway. But when I’m not even getting what I want out of Karl Urban . . . who I adore . . . you know there are problems. It’s so frustrating. The way some people feel utterly let down by Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? That is how I feel about Almost Human. There is so much unused potential that it kind of kills me, and unless I hear about some amazing changes in the works, I doubt I’m going to come back to it next season. (Assuming the show even gets renewed.)

But anyway, the finale itself . . . yeah, not good. I don’t need every season finale to be a cliffhanger, and I did like the board giving Dorian a performance review — as well as the nice moment between the boys at the end of the episode. But when you set up a big mystery at the beginning of a series with an evil ex-girlfriend who works for an evil syndicate . . . yeah, one might expect that to come up again by the end of the first season. Or that you might at least hint at almost anything we’ve learned about — like, for instance, what’s up with the damn Wall.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though. Nothing about this season makes any sense because FOX, for whatever reason, refused to play the episodes in order. I don’t even . . . seriously, I mean, WHAT? Why? Why, FOX, WHY?

FINALE GRADE:

C+

SEASON GRADE:

C+

Helix

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Oh, this show. It started off slow, then picked up into crazypants awesome, and then just totally fell apart in the last two episodes. Seriously, there is absolutely no excuse for having an offscreen conversation explaining what the immortals are when your audience has been waiting for that conversation ALL SEASON. *incoherent sounds of rage*

The finale’s pretty bad. The Scythe turns out to be a major letdown. The twist that Peter was secretly involved the whole time is kind of like “. . . oh, okay.” They brought Supposedly Dead Mom in a box, only to immediately kill her off for realsies this time, and it’s just . . . disappointing, all of it. Oh, and Sarah’s pregnant now . . . cause that’s drama I’m interested in. Plus, man, do I feel bad for any adopted child who watches this. Poor Daniel. I didn’t like him the way I probably should have, but Jesus, I do feel a little sorry for him. (Even though he was totally an idiot.)

At this point, I’m not sure I’m going to continue with this series, either. I think I’m mostly watching for Hiroyuki Sanada and cute boy Balleseros, which I’m just not sure is enough anymore. (Although if they ever kill off Alan, I would get a whole lot more interested.)

FINALE GRADE:

C-

SEASON GRADE:

B-

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