Things I Learned From a Joe Hill Reading

1. If you man up and actually get your book signed, instead of slinking away to the cash register where you don’t have to make eye contact with famous authors, you can get little cartoon drawings of adorable vampires near your (correctly spelled) name. I am very pleased with this outcome and now expect any and all attempts of ballsiness on my part to be met with tiny, adorable vampires.

2. Joe Hill is a pretty funny guy. If you have the opportunity, I’d highly recommend going to one of his readings. He had a very easy, friendly manner with the crowd, a skill which I deeply envy and would steal from him with no remorse at all if I had some kind of magical straw that allowed me to suck away the confidence — or at least the ability to convincingly feign confidence — from his brain. (Hm, but where would I put that straw? On second thought, let’s just go with a magical ring or something equally traditional and less creepy. “Mr. Hill, I thought Heart-Shaped Box was stunningly original. Would you mind if treated your gray matter like Yoo-Hoo?”)

3. Joe Hill’s reason for not taking Lovecraft seriously? Best. Thing. Ever.

4. Joe Hill writes a thousand words a day every day.

5. I am a failure.

But, you know, whatevs. I’ve got a cool book now with a little cartoon vampire inside. (I’ve decided to name him Sparky. Fear him, for he is two-dimensional and the bringer OF YOUR DOOM.)

Here’s the thing: I can actually legitimately say I’m a professional writer. I certainly don’t have many sales — very, very few, in fact — but nevertheless, I do have them, and I’m working on selling more. Writing is not something I just decided to do on the spur of the moment — it’s, well, a lifelong dream, really. Getting into Clarion West last year was a huge deal for me, and I’m incredibly grateful for getting the opportunity to go.

So, I have to post this — even though it’s been online for years now  – because I swear this exact same scenario just happened to me the other day.

Okay, it wasn’t the exact same. For starters, I’m not a bear. Also, I’m not confrontational by nature, so when a guy who — as far as I could tell — has never shown the slightest interest in writing a book before had suddenly decided that he was just going to easily write two without any training or education at all, well, I kept my mouth shut. But I certainly thought a lot of these things. Especially at the spelling section. Oh, the spelling section.

When I talk to people in the writing community, I don’t feel so stupid saying, “Hey, I’m a writer.” But when I talk to people outside of the writing community, like, almost anyone I work with, I feel dumb about it because, to those people, I know a writer really means someone who sells novels, not just the occasional short story or flash fiction. And I get it because, for a long time, that’s what it meant to me too, and I do want to get to novels someday, honest.

But I am professional writer. Fledgling, to be sure, but a writer all the same, and there is something more than a little irksome about hearing people say, “Oh, how hard could it be, writing a book? I could do that. Anybody could do that.” And I’m like, Well thanks, buddy, for shitting on all my lifelong aspirations. Nice to know how little work you think this is — how about I take apart YOUR career now and blithely inform you that anyone can easily do it?

The takeaway, I suppose, is just to ignore such people and have confidence in myself. Oh, self-confidence. Will you never not be my cursed enemy? (Double negatives are the best. Shakespeare used double negatives. I’m totally bringing them back.) I should wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and say, “You are an articulate, intelligent, professional author.” You know, if I was the kind of person who believed in mantras, or who managed more than inarticulate vowel sounds for the first half hour after consciousness.

Maybe my mantra — like much of my writing — should be laced with gratuitous profanity. I can easily get behind profanity at ass o’clock in the morning. Something like, “You are a fucking awesome writer, yo,” or “I will be the best motherfucking speculative writer since Shakespeare and Macbeth, bitches!” (Don’t ask my Shakespeare kick today. I can’t explain these things.)

Anyone have any profanity-laced mantras of their own? I’d love to hear them.

It’s definitely my kind of movie — especially with the attached cast — so I look it up on Netflix and suggest to Mek that we rent it.

Mek: “Wait . . . didn’t we already watch that, a long time ago?”

And I’m like, “. . . shit, I think maybe we did.”

I present Unknown . . . the movie about amnesia that I completely forgot.

SUMMARY:

Five guys wake up in a locked warehouse without their memories. Some are tied up, some are injured, and it’s up to all of them to solve the mystery of who they are and what happened to them. And they only have so long to figure it out and/or escape before some very ominous men are due to return.

NOTES:

1. Well, there’s a reason that I forgot this movie: it’s not particularly good. It’s not terrible — actually, it starts really well — but it loses steam about halfway through and never fully recovers. Which is sad because there’s all kinds of potential in this story. Honestly, I kind of want to rewrite it now to make it so much better. You really shouldn’t remake movies less than ten years after the original was filmed, I know, but hey, Spiderman did it. And, dammit, this could have been awesome!

Seriously, this kind of movie is kinda where I live. I like bottle episode stories, successful ones, anyway, and I especially like these stories if they’re also mysteries of some kind. (I want to call them Locked Room Mysteries, but technically, that’s something else. I can’t find an actual term for this, people trapped together in one location with some kind of mystery on their hands. Bottle Episode Mystery Movie? BEMMs? That’s what I’m calling it for now, until I can think of something better.)

And while Solitary Amnesia stories aren’t usually my thing, Group Amnesia stories are much more interesting . . . not that I can think of too many of them, outside of specific TV episodes. Anyway, I like group dynamics. I like people being thrown into a strange situation and having to work together to get out of it, especially if the strange situation comes hand in hand with violent consequences if they can’t do it properly. I’m sure I’ve written something like this before . . . it might have been in my review for Battle Royale.

Unfortunately, however, this Group Amnesia BEMM has some problems. For example . . .

2. . . . we reveal too much info about the main characters far too early in the film.

Is he a good guy, you say? What’s wrong with you? He’s JESUS! (Also Reese from Person of Interest. I never did actually watch The Passion of the Christ.)

The central mystery in the movie is this: who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy? Unfortunately, we pretty much figure that out about halfway through the story, and once we do, the film almost immediately starts losing momentum. Admittedly, there are more twists and turns after this revelation, but most of those twists and turns are unnecessary and overcomplicated and take away from the beautiful simplicity of this plot. Why do people constantly overcomplicate their mysteries? Why? It makes me so sad.

3. Also — and somewhat related — I kind of want to cut anything from the story that doesn’t directly take place inside the warehouse. See, Unknown isn’t a true bottle episode movie, like Exam or Buried, where everything you see takes place in one location. It’s more like Devil, where half of the movie focuses on the characters inside the elevator and the other half focuses on the cops and security people watching the feed. In Devil, that mostly makes sense — yeah, I just managed to pay Devil a minor compliment. I’m shocked, too. But in Unknown, it doesn’t work quite as well.

The problem isn’t that the outside characters are terrible — I actually like a couple of the cops — but that they are almost completely incidental to the actual story. If I were to keep them for my imaginary remake, they’d need to do something that’s actually significant because, as is, they’re barely even effective for dramatic irony. I’d rather cut them entirely, though, and focus on the guys in the warehouse because that’s where the intrigue really is, anyway. If the movie had more time to actually flesh out these characters and their relationships and secrets, well, it’d probably be a much more suspenseful and tighter mystery.

4. And the characters in the warehouse do need to be fleshed out a bit because there are only five of them, and yet two are kind of left high and dry. I won’t say which ones until the Spoiler Section, but they don’t get nearly enough to do, and while that’s okay with a ten character mystery, with five . . . it’s kind of unacceptable.

5. On the other hand, this is a pretty good cast, and they do the best job they can with the material. Especially Barry Pepper, who probably has the shittiest dialogue overall to overcome. I mean, it’s actually not all shitty — some of it’s pretty good — but some of it is decidedly not subtle. You know, there are definitely a few Shut Up, Writers! moments here. Regardless, Pepper tries his damndest to work it, I think.

Congrats, Mr. Pepper. You have somewhat redeemed yourself for Battlefield Earth. SOMEWHAT.

6. As might be expected with a temporary amnesia story, there are flashbacks. Flashbacks are often overused in movies, but their presence in this story totally makes sense. However, in my imaginary remake, we’re going to seriously cut down on the amount of times someone has a flashback while desperately searching his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Because, come on, guys. We only need one of these. Not like, you know, eight.

7. My imaginary remake will also have a different title because Unknown is far too generic and opens itself up way too easily for jokes. It’s a little like naming your kid Hashtag or Kal-El. Look, if you’re kid’s unpopular, they’re unpopular — giving them a semi-normal name won’t save them. Kids can be vicious little bastards, and they will find a way to hurt one another. But for God’s sake, you don’t have to make it that easy for them, do you? And think about it — do you really want to name them after a superhero? Aren’t you basically just setting them up for disappointment? Instead of “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” it will be, “Why can’t you be like the real Batman?”

Welcome to therapy, kids.

That’s about all I can give you without spoilers. For those who care not about spoilers, continue below . . .

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

The movie begins with Jean Jacket (Jim Caviezel) waking up on the floor in the warehouse, trying to figure out what the hell’s happened to him. Broken Nose (Greg Kinnear) is lying on the ground, face first in a small pool of his own blood. Bound Man (Joe Pantoliano) is tied to a chair, while Handcuffed Man (Jeremy Sisto) has been shot and is dangling from a railing. Rancher Shirt (Barry Pepper) is unconscious and, for the moment, out of sight on one of the walkways above.

(And if you’re thinking I’m giving them arbitrary descriptive names because I can’t be bothered to look up their actual character names — well, you’re right, that’s the sort of thing I would totally do. However, these are their actual names on IMDb, which I love.)

There’s a phone in the warehouse, and Jean Jacket answers it, trying to figure out what’s going on without giving away any information because he’s picked up, fairly quickly, to the idea that he’s not in a good spot here, and either he’s trapped with some very bad people or he is a very bad person, and either way, telling the guy on the phone about the amnesia is probably a bad call. The guy on the other end doesn’t recognize his voice offhand but also doesn’t seem freaked out by talking to him, so Jean Jacket can’t tell if they know each other or not. (Not entirely unreasonably, Jean Jacket doesn’t tell the other guys about the phone call when they wake up, but Handcuffed Man overhears him and rats him out. Have to watch out for those tricksy handcuffed guys.)

Meanwhile, in Stupidly Obvious Plot Twist Land, Eliza Coles (Bridget Moynahan) is dropping off ransom money in a locker.

I do like, in these scenes, that they don’t have her wearing a ton of makeup or anything. You know, her husband’s been kidnapped. Maybe mascara isn’t the priority.

We soon figure out that her husband and his accountant are two of the guys in the warehouse, and the other three are their kidnappers. Which is all well and good as a setup, but we keep going back to Eliza throughout the movie, who’s not really doing anything but weeping in a corner or nervously talking to a cop. Which, of course, immediately tells me that she’s a bad guy because, seriously, why waste time on her if she’s just the Faithful Wife? It’s not like she has an actual personality. She adds nothing to the story. Really, her whole character is a bad idea, either way you slice it: if she wasn’t a bad guy, I’d be annoyed the film wasted all this time on her, but as a twist, she’s completely and utterly predictable.

(As a side note: once again, I figure out a plot twist because I think like a writer, while Mekaela figures out the same twist just by using simple logic. Eliza Coles puts the ransom money in a bottom locker, where it falls through a hole that’s been cut into it, all the way to the basement . . . and yet, somehow, she didn’t notice. Yeah, the locker had a false bottom, but it doesn’t seem like someone anyone came up for it . . . it just fell through. Wouldn’t you notice if you set a bag of money down on a seemingly solid surface and it just suddenly disappeared? What, did she squeeze her eyes shut and drop it in or something?)

The film would probably be stronger if Eliza was written out entirely. It would change things about the end, but the end is screwed anyway. (Don’t worry: we’ll get there.) And while that would make this a No-Women-At-All film . . . sometimes, that’s preferable to the All-Men-Plus-One-Female film. Mind you, I wouldn’t object to women being inside the warehouse, but that has to be handled carefully. The guys find out about the kidnapping through a Handy Dandy Newspaper Article, and most newspaper articles do use pronouns . . . which would unfortunately eliminate suspects. It’s probably best to make this an all-male or all-female cast.

But back to the warehouse: all the guys wake up, although Handcuffed Man dips in and out of consciousness, since he’s still bleeding out from his shoulder wound. The guys try to figure out who they can trust, why they’re here, etc, etc, and it’s all a lot of fun to watch. Rancher Shirt persuades the others to keep Bound Man tied up because he figures the guys who are free and the guys who are tied up are enemies, which is an incorrect but completely valid hypothesis. He’s also the one who destroys the phone because he’s not sure he wants the police there, which is great because he ends up being one of the good guys. (In fact, he’s Eliza’s husband.)

Unfortunately, once we know he’s a good guy, Rancher Shirt turns into kind of a moron. I mean, not entirely, and Pepper does the best he can to sell it, but . . . like, there’s this idea in the movie about instinctual trust, right, which is kind of interesting, except that it’s not developed very well and ultimately has Rancher Shirt coming to stupid ass, horribly naive conclusions. Like Rancher Shirt feels this sort of trust for Jean Jacket and figures that maybe it’s because part of his brain remembers that Jean Jacket’s a good guy. That’s not horrible, as far as hunches go, but it’s a little different when you have a) extremely good reasons to doubt Jean Jacket’s intentions toward you and b) fucking amnesia. Barry Pepper is kind of the mouthpiece for all the writer’s ideas, and that can be hard to work with.

It can also be hard to play the likable asshole — the one you’re kind of rooting for, even though he’s a manipulative, uncooperative sonofabitch. Thankfully, Greg Kinnear — as Broken Nose — does an awesome job with it.

Admittedly, in this picture, his nose doesn’t look all that broken.

Broken Nose is an ill-tempered little thing, prone to angry outbursts about naughty activities one might do with one’s mother, which is actually kind of awesome because he’s also one of the good guys: he’s Rancher Shirt’s accountant. He’s especially kind of awesome because — even when he’s totally making shit up — he gets everything right. He blames Jean Jacket for breaking his nose before he fully remembers it, and as a matter of fact, Jean Jacket did break Broken Nose’s nose. Then — when he remembers that he was one of the men kidnapped — Broken Nose immediately goes to Rancher Shirt and tells him that they were kidnapped together, throwing out all kinds of bullshit about Rancher Shirt’s supposed children, just so they can overpower the others. But even though he was making it up, Rancher Shirt is that guy. I think it’s hilarious.

I can’t say exactly what I love so much about Kinnear here, but I really do. It’s not a super complex role or anything, but he throws himself into it entirely. I like Greg Kinnear a lot. I wish he was in more things that I actually had interest in.

Really, all of the actors are better than the material they have to work with. Jeremy Sisto and Joe Pantoliano are kind of criminally underused. Admittedly, Sisto’s handcuffed to a railing the whole movie, and Pantoliano is tied up for most of the story too, but there are still ways to work that — they can play mind games, try to negotiate, whatever. Power plays can be a lot of fun to watch, but for some reason in this movie, they seem to be almost entirely reserved for the people who can actually walk around. Sisto and Pantoliano have the least to do throughout the film, and by the end, they aren’t very relevant to the actual plot themselves. Mr. Orange in Reservoir Dogs doesn’t do a whole lot for most of the movie, but he ends up being hugely important to the story. Sisto and Pantoliano, not so much.

Okay, so where were we . . . Sisto (or Handcuffed Man) eventually goes into this long monologue about how he and Jean Jacket were childhood friends, and Jean Jacket saved them from drowning in this storm and whatnot back in the day. As monologues go, it’s delivered well, but it goes on for a little too long. Broken Nose, awesomely, has this great sarcastic reaction to it: “Hey, that’s really touching and all. Completely useless, though.” But Saint Rancher Shirt is all like, listen to what he’s saying! It’s a speech about working together!

Really, though, it’s just a last bid sympathy speech because Handcuffed Man dies a few seconds later.

A few things about this:

A. Handcuffed Man dies because he bleeds out from his shoulder wound. This is the rare shoulder wound that isn’t just shrugged off, which is kind of nice. Although it wouldn’t have hurt to have shown somebody trying to apply some pressure to that wound. And a bigger pool of blood on the ground below him wouldn’t have been amiss. Also, where the hell are the keys to this guy’s handcuffs? Handcuffed Man is never freed because they can’t find the keys to the cuffs, but they’re his own cuffs. Shouldn’t the key be somewhere in this warehouse? Like, maybe in his jeans pocket?

B. Ultimately, this monologue is kind of a wasted moment. The speech is a We Need to Come Together moment, but it should also be a Big Reveal moment, and finding out that Jean Jacket and Handcuffed Man were childhood friends shouldn’t be the Big Reveal. That doesn’t tell us anything about who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy because we already know that Rancher Shirt and Broken Nose are the good guys here. However, if we only knew that Broken Nose was a good guy . . . well, then finding out that Jean Jacket and Handcuffed Man already knew each other from childhood could lead us to realize that it’s unlikely that they had a accountant/client relationship, like the two victims. It’s certainly unlikely that only one of them was a kidnapper, which means that they both are. And so the search for good Mr. Coles comes that much closer to an end, between Rancher Shirt and Bound Man.

After Handcuffed Man dies, the others decide to work together and escape when the Bad Men come. Of course, when this happens, Bound Man remembers for sure that he’s a kidnapper, and he turns on the others. Unfortunately for him, he’s quickly killed for it.

Jean Jacket also considers turning on the group because maybe being a bad guy is just who he is, blah blah blah, but Saint Rancher Shirt — who has had that inexplicable bond with him — eventually talks him out of it. (The movie’s actually asking some interesting questions about identity here, the kind that really ought to be asked in an amnesia movie, but the writing just isn’t subtle enough to do them any justice.)

Jean Jacket supposedly shoots them, although we cut away so everyone knows that he’s really just shot into the air — seriously, why do we even do this anymore? It’s dumb. Then the bad guys come out to kill Jean Jacket because they’ve figured something out — Jean Jacket is, secretly, an undercover cop!

For fuck’s sake.

You know how I called this twist? Because it’s stupid. I was like, “Wow, wouldn’t it be lame if Jean Jacket — after angsting away about his previous identity as a criminal and true nature and all that jazz — wouldn’t it be so immensely lame if he were an undercover cop? I bet he is.” And sure enough, they did it: they made the most idiotic plot twist and . . . look, this shit is just unnecessary. Jean Jacket didn’t need to be secretly good all along. Why couldn’t it just be, hey, when I’m stripped of my baggage and memories and circumstances that led to me this place, I actually want to do the right thing — why can’t it just be that? That’s kind of a neat idea. You don’t see it a lot in movies. But oh no, he had to be an undercover cop — which really comes out of nowhere. The writers don’t bother to lay in any clues or foundations for it at all.

If he absolutely had to be an undercover cop, Jean Jacket should have realized it after he did something awful like, say, murder Broken Nose. You know, he should decide that he’s a bad guy and might as well own up to it, only to find out that he wasn’t a bad guy at all . . . but he is now. That’s better but still tricky . . . you have to write it just right to avoid being too muahahaha, Twilight Zone sucker punch . . . so it’s probably best if we just get rid of this BS undercover cop business altogether. Because seriously: you can’t introduce an undercover cop out of left field without being cheap. This is ridiculous . . . and it’s only going to get worse.

How does it get worse? Well, first, Broken Nose dies. Okay, that’s not seriously worse, but I like Kinnear, and they kill him by making him do the Move That Is Almost Guaranteed To Get You Dead. You know the one: it’s where you raise your weapon high over your head, so that whoever you’re fighting gets a good, clean shot at your exposed torso, and congratulations, now you’re toast. You see this all the time in movies, so much so that I ought to make it an actual list: it happens in The Patriot, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, countless others.

I wished better for you, Broken Nose. I wished better for you.

Anyway, the cops come rolling in and the bad guys are either killed or arrested, and it’s just our new BFF’s, Rancher Shirt and Jean Jacket, left standing. This is when Eliza Coles, comes into the picture, however. She and Jean Jacket stare at one another, and we flash back to . . .

Jean Jacket and Eliza meeting in a bar and starting an affair. Turns out, Jean Jacket isn’t so good after all — despite being an undercover cop, he orchestrated the whole thing, the plan, the robbery, etc. And . . . oh, aiya. This is just ridiculous. I hated that Jean Jacket was an undercover cop because it was such an unfounded twist that took away any semblance of character ambiguity, but this . . . this is just too much. It’s all, maybe Jean Jacket’s bad, but no wait, he seems good, no no, he’s definitely bad, but WAIT! He’s an undercover cop! Oh my god, he was good all along — no, no, he set the whole thing up! He’s evil! EEEEEVIL!

People, there is such a thing as too many twists in a mystery. Not enough twists and your story is boring, but too many and your story is ludicrous. Besides, Eliza Coles? She’s still a terrible character. God, I want to take apart this story so much. I want to strip it of all its extra fat and make it lean and yummy again.

The movie ends with Rancher Shirt cluelessly introducing his wife to Jean Jacket. Jean Jacket doesn’t turn her — or himself — in, but he does tell the cops where the money is, presumably because he feels guilty? Whatever. I’m done.

Best thing about this movie: Fusco and John from Person of Interest are together again! (Although, unfortunately, they share absolutely no scenes together. Boo, hiss.)

CONCLUSIONS:

Awesome set-up, interesting ideas, good acting . . . but the story ultimately falls on its face with too-early revelations and last-minute, shitty twists.

MVP:

Greg Kinnear

TENTATIVE GRADE: 

B-

MORAL:

Don’t conduct your nefarious criminal activities in warehouses that store poisonous, memory-wiping gas. I mean, does that really need to be said?

I kind of feel like bringing Coulson back takes away just a little from The Avengers . . . but I’ve decided to get over it. I like Coulson, more now than ever — thanks, primarily, to fanfiction — and I’m excited to see Clark Gregg star in a show.

Fingers crossed for this one.

I’m still not sure if I’m going to watch this or not. Since I only read it for the first time last year, I’m curious to see how they adapt it, yet I’m not, like, emotionally tied to it. If they change a whole bunch of stuff, my little nostalgic geek heart won’t be broken. And the trailer . . . it’s just not really doing all that much for me. That doesn’t mean it’ll be bad, of course, just that I’ve watched it a couple of times now and have been like, “Meh.” Also, there’s the ongoing, Do I want to in any way financially support Orson Scott Card debate. I usually do my best to separate an artist’s creative work from their personal views, but I’ll admit, with Mr. Card it seems a little tricky.

Violet & Daisy

I . . . am not quite sure what to make of this trailer yet. It starts, and I’m like, okay, Rory Gilmore and Hanna are assassins who are hired to kill Tony Soprano, neat, but then . . . the tone of the trailer switches, and I’m just not sure where the film’s going at all. But I’m intrigued. The visuals in this movie looks gorgeous, and as a bonus, Marianne Jean-Baptiste and Danny Trejo! I could try this one out.

Gravity

I’m probably one of the only people on the planet who wasn’t blown away by Children of Men, but this trailer for Alfonso Cuaron’s new movie . . . holy shitballs, it looks intense. It also looks like material for a shorter film, so I’m curious to see how this will play out over the course of two hours. I’m not sure it’s the kind of movie I run to theaters to see, but I’m interested, regardless. (And I’m kind of hopeful for Sandra Bullock. I like her. I wish she was in more stuff I actually cared about.)

Girl Most Likely

I’d like to say I’m interested in this — I tend to be drawn to these dysfunctional family, mental breakdown comedies — but I just didn’t really connect to this trailer at all. I’m not quite sure why. All the jokes just felt . . . old. Although on the upside, Darren Criss actually looks attractive to me, and — back during the days I actually used to watch Glee – I never understood why everyone was so obsessed with him. But that’s really not enough for me to watch this movie.

And finally . . . The World’s End

I couldn’t find a trailer I could steal, so I link you here to one of 2013′s many apocalyptic comedies. Although this one is done by Edgar Wright and stars Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Eddie Marsan, and Rosamund Pike, so, you know. It’s probably worth watching.

I haven’t completely made up my mind about a few things yet, but for the most part, I had a pretty great time watching this.

SUMMARY:

After the events of The Avengers, Tony is not in the best headspace: nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, etc. The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) is not helping matters, what with his penchant for organizing terrorist attacks on American soil. When Tony calls him out, The Mandarin focuses his attention on Tony.

(His attention includes lots of explosions.)

NOTES:

1. I won’t say how, exactly, but this movie kind of won me over in the first couple of seconds. This story begins in 1998, and I guess I’m a sucker for a good junior high flashback.

2. More importantly, this is the first Iron Man film directed by Shane Black, best known for directing this movie:

And if anyone’s curious, I am perfectly willing to watch further collaborations between Shane Black and Robert Downey Jr.

Black has a great eye for balancing the comedic and the dark. Things go fairly bad for Tony Stark in this film, but the tone of the movie isn’t relentlessly bleak, and frankly, I’m grateful for it. Which isn’t to say that I don’t like grim superhero stories because I do. I don’t want to watch a movie and feel like it’s constantly backing away from anything remotely unhappy and morally ambiguous because it doesn’t have the balls to be complex. But I also go to the Iron Man movies with an expectation that I’ll have a certain level of fun. I want to laugh, and I did — a lot more than I did when I watched Iron Man 2. (Which, for my money, isn’t as bad of a movie as a lot of people claim, but is also easily the weakest of the trilogy.)

3. Also, the action is pretty great.

I’m glad I wasn’t spoiled for most of it. This is true for the whole movie, actually, not just the action sequences — often, the less you know about a movie going in, the better, even if the movie is shit. Especially if the movie is shit, actually: I remember the days before X-Men: The Last Stand came out . . . oh, those hopeful, innocent days, before our young, naive hearts were cruelly stomped upon and then butchered and eaten  . . . when they released a shit-ton of clips before the film came out, and I watched every single one, getting more and more excited until I realized I had watched the only particularly good parts of the movie.

I certainly hoped Iron Man 3 would be better than X-Men: The Last Stand – cause, good God, how could it not be — but I’ve learned my lesson well. When it seemed like there would be a new Iron Man 3 clip every other day prior to the film’s release, I decided not to watch any of them and damn my curiosity. It worked out for the best, I think.

4. I was surprised at how much time there was devoted to Tony Stark out of the suit. Don’t get me wrong: Iron Man gets a lot of screen time. There’s, ah, quite a bit of Iron Man to go around, really. But I think maybe the best parts of the movie were when Tony’s stripped of his armor and has to rely on his improv mechanical genius to figure out what’s going on and to get him out of shit. I loved that.

5. And the scenes between Tony and Harley are the best.

These two, back and forth. So damn funny. They play off each other so well, and there are so many good quotes here — good quotes that I’m probably going to search for in vain because finding the actual dialogue from a movie (and not just the edited shit from trailers) a couple days after it’s released is never fun.

But some of the shit Tony says to this kid — one line in particular — is pretty damn ballsy. Sure, Iron Man is about as irreverent of a superhero as you’re going to get, but still . . . not everyone could have pulled off this line, I don’t think. And yet, Robert Downey Jr. does. Because he is Tony Stark.

6. For how much longer? Hard to say. There’s been a lot of speculation about that lately, what with RDJ’s contract being up and, also, him edging up on 50. (Seriously, he’s almost 50? Damn, that man’s got some good genes.)

How many men near 50 do you know who can rock lederhosen? Honestly, how many men do you know who can rock lederhosen at all?

I know Robert Downey Jr. won’t play Iron Man forever. But man, can I tell you how not interested I am in seeing someone else take up the part? It’s funny — roles are replaced all the time. The Hulk’s been played by three different actors in under a decade. (Although, clearly, Mark Ruffalo is the best.) I really enjoy Scarlett Johansson, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, and Jeremy Renner as Black Widow, Captain America, Thor, and Hawkeye respectively, and I’d be both disappointed and worried if they dropped out . . . but none of them so entirely epitomize their roles for me the way Robert Downey Jr. does with Tony Stark. I really do want to see RDJ do in other stuff, maybe even some movies that aren’t so blockbustery and action-packed with a capital A . . . but there’s a piece of my little fangirl heart that unrealistically wishes he could be the only Tony Stark ever, or at least for 25 years. (In Hollywood, that’s about the same as forever, right?)

7. All right, back to the actual movie. Let’s talk villains.

Sir Ben Kingsley plays the Mandarin, and there’s been a lot of talk about that. I’ll admit, I wasn’t wild about the casting prior to seeing the film, and his performance grated on me a little during the movie too, at least at first. (Actually, it wasn’t so much his performance as his voice — his voice was driving me nuts. Those ‘R’s’ he was hitting . . . UGH. I actually started trying to compile a list in my head of characters who had decent line deliveries despite their voices or accents, although it didn’t end up being a very long list. 1. The Mandarin. 2. Bane. And done.)

But I will say that by the end of the movie, I ended up really enjoying Ben Kingsley’s performance, and many of my initial concerns were alleviated. So, that was cool.

Guy Pearce is more of a slimy, sleazebucket of a bad guy, and he does the job pretty competently. I wouldn’t put him on a list of BEST VILLAINS EVER or anything, but he’s certainly respectable enough. (To be honest, I’ve never been wowed by any of the Iron Man villains — they’re usually okay but never, you know, amazeballs. I’d venture to say Guy Pearce is probably one of the better ones, though.)

8. This movie’s actually a bit on the long side — the run time is 130 minutes — but I didn’t really notice while watching the film. That, in and of itself, is a BIG point in its favor because I can get kind of antsy during shorter movies that I like when watching them for the first time, especially in theater.

9. Here are a few of those pesky quotes I mentioned earlier. (They probably aren’t exactly 100% accurate, either. It’s hard to double-check the exact words without paying another ten dollars and scribbling down a bunch of notes in the dark.)

Tony: “Dads leave, sometimes. No need to be a pussy about it.”

Tony: “Stop stopping.”

Tony: “I love you; I’m lucky, but honey? I can’t sleep.”

Guard: “Don’t shoot! Honestly, I hate working here. They are so weird!”

Tony: “I loved you in A Christmas Story, by the way.”

Tony: “I stole a poncho off a wooden Indian.”

Tony: “Are you guilt-tripping me?”
Harley: “I’m . . . cold.”
Tony: “I know. You know how? Because we’re connected.”

10. Finally, before spoilers, Iron Man 3 is set in late December. While it’s a little weird to watch a Christmas movie in theaters in the beginning of May . . . I don’t mind it at all because some of my very favorite Christmas movies – most of my very favorite Christmas movies, to be honest – fully embrace this trope: An Ass Kicking Christmas.

I’m saying, I don’t think Die Hard and Lethal Weapon will mind having another friend in my house this December.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

So, we begin with a voiceover . . . because Shane Black plus Robert Downey Jr. apparently equals funny voiceover, and hey, I’m okay with that. RDJ can rock a voiceover the way so few people can. We also begin with this song, which I have not heard in a long, long time. The pure surprise of hearing it here made me laugh really hard in theater.

Other than making me crack up, we’re mostly flashbacking to the 90′s to . . .

A) Introduce Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce) and show how Tony Stark kind of, sort of helped spawn him into the Evil Supervillain He Is Today. Don’t get me wrong — 90′s Tony Stark? Kind of a tool. Still, standing up your roof date with a random creepy scientist isn’t exactly in the same league as, oh, I don’t know, somehow being responsible for the death of said scientist’s daddy. As far as the Genesis of a Supervillain goes . . . I’m saying, it’s kind of a weaksauce origin story. Thankfully, I don’t think I’m supposed to take it all that seriously.

B) Introduce Maya Hansen (Rebecca Hall), who is enjoyable enough but also basically the second Bond girl in any Bond film. (We’ll talk more about her later.)

C) Give us a Yinsin cameo. Yay!

D) Show us that Happy Hogan (Jon Favreau) is at least a decade behind the times, because it’s the late 90′s and for some unholy reason, he is still wearing a bolo tie. It’s all quite frightening.

(A quick note about Jon Favreau: I know he voluntarily stepped back from directing Iron Man 3, but it still seems like it could have been an awkward situation, acting in the third part of a franchise that he used to direct. So it’s particularly nice to see him here as Happy and all his power hungry, ID badge glory.)

We then flash to the present, where Tony is not dealing particularly well with everything that happened in New York. He’s attempting to cope by building a veritable shitload of Iron Man suits, which can now operate without anyone actually being inside them. Handy. Meanwhile, the Mandarin is taking over the airwaves to announce to the American public that he’s responsible for all these bombings that are happening. (Also, to mangle the holy fuck out of his R’s. Seriously, these hard R’s drive me nuts. What the hell accent is he supposed to be going for, anyway?)

Tony’s not involved at first — it’s apparently not superhero-worthy, at least according to War Machine Iron Patriot (Don Cheadle).

I personally think the rebranding is hysterical, but mind you, I’m not a purist, so I don’t really care about Iron Patriot’s true origins. The fact that I’m not a purist will be even more apparent later on, when we delve deeper into the Mandarin’s origins.

Anyway, Rhodey tells Tony some of this highly classified information at a nice little family restaurant with kids, like, literally standing at the table, waiting for an autograph. Asshole. (I kid. I like Rhodey, particularly now that he’s played by Don Cheadle. But seriously, maybe Ruby Tuesday’s isn’t the best place to have this discussion. Or whatever restaurant they’re actually at — wow, how did I pull Ruby Tuesday’s out of my ass? We don’t even have one around here. I’ve only been to one once, and I was annoyed because they’re hamburger buns were fucking wheat. But I digress.)

Unfortunately, Tony starts having a panic attack at this point and has to run out of Probably-Not-Ruby-Tuesday’s. One of my friends, who was very unhappy with this movie, didn’t like the panic attacks because she felt they were played for comedic effect. I sort of agree with that, but only to an extent — there is definitely levity in some of these scenes, but at the same time, even if I do laugh, I always buy the actual panic in Robert Downey Jr’s face. The whole movie rides that line between comedy and angst, and I think it does a pretty good job with it. I also just like that Tony is having panic attacks after the events of The Avengers, and it’s not at all because I wrote a fanfiction where that happened. Honest.

Anyway, Tony gets involved in the whole Mandarin business when Happy is nearly killed in one of the Mandarin’s terrorist explosions. (Happy was following one of Killian’s creepy henchmen, who I remember from the days when I used to watch 24. Of course, back then he didn’t have glowy fire eyes.) Happy — who, awesomely, likes Downton Abbey — ends up in a coma, and when Tony exits the hospital into a media frenzy, he calls the Mandarin out on national television, giving everyone his home address. It is a massively stupid thing to do, but again, RDJ sells it beautifully, all that anger and grief bubbling up just under the surface. What he does is reckless and dumb, but I totally buy it.

This is about when Maya Hansen pops up again, thankfully not with Tony Stark’s secret twelve year old lovechild. (That’s not my kind of fanfiction.)

She’s trying to get Tony to come with her to look at something urgently. Meanwhile, Pepper’s just trying to get Tony out of the house before the Mandarin takes him up on the offer for a one-on-one fight. This, of course, is when the Creepy Red-Eyed Henchman (James Badge Dale — his character must have a name, too, but I never caught it) and his cronies show up in their helicopters and blow the shit out of Tony’s Malibu home. Tony calls the Iron Man suit, where it awesomely attaches itself to Pepper.

This, by the way, is where not watching clips ahead of time works in your favor. Also, seeing Pepper in the Iron Man suit — and not like some feminized Iron Man suit, either, but just the Iron Man suit — is pretty awesome.

Pepper and Maya get out of there. Tony calls the suit back to him and eventually escapes too, although his whole home is destroyed, including his Batcave Basement Lab Chock Full of Iron Man suits. Everyone thinks he’s dead, but thankfully, he’s just in Tennessee. JARVIS had set up a flight plan there because of some lead on the Mandarin that I can’t be bothered to remember right now. Then JARVIS gets very tired and has to take a nap, so Tony’s pretty much on his own.

Thankfully, Tony teams up with Harley (Ty Simpkins), a local kid whose house he basically wanders into. Harley makes a pretty awesome sidekick, and if he would like to come back as a cameo in The Avengers – you know, I’d have no problem with that. Anyway, Tony does some detective work — oh, right, there was a big explosion here in Tennessee years ago. It’s not supposed to be the Mandarin’s work, but the heat signature matches or . . . something. I don’t know. Me, science, fail. Anyway, it turns out there’s this thing called the Extremis Virus, which is basically another super-soldier experiment gone horribly wrong . These particular soldiers are uber fast and strong and can survive all sorts of gnarly shit — the boss can even breathe fire — but sometimes they also horribly explode. So, that’s bad.

Tony has to take on a couple of these super soldiers, this chick with a scarred face and the previously mentioned Creepy Red-Eyed Henchman. Of course, Tony has to do all this without his suit, which makes it harder (and kind of more awesome). Eventually, he kills the chick and temporarily incapacitates CREH. He also gets JARVIS back up and running and tracks the Mandarin to some house in Miami. He uses his hardware skillz to get past the bodyguards and confronts the Mandarin . . .

. . . only to discover that the Mandarin is actually just some actor who’s being paid to make these little terrorist TV spots. This twist on the Mandarin has sparked some pretty massive Nerd Rage, but like I said, I’m not an Iron Man purist, as I never read the comics and there was no cartoon for me to obsessively follow in my childhood. And frankly, I needed that twist. The Mandarin wasn’t playing for me at all, but once it’s revealed that he’s just this guy who’s actually supposed to come off like a bad, Hollywood version of a a vaguely Asian emperor? That worked for me. It also helped me a little with the whitewashing of the character, since everything about this guy is fake anyway. (Although it’s fair to say that there’s really no reason that the actor playing the Mandarin still couldn’t have been Chinese. I’m torn, though — I do enjoy Kingsley here. It’s fun to see him in something so comic and so, well, not Gandhi.)

So, the man behind the curtain, of course, is Killian — and it turns out that Maya works for him. (They started working together the night that Tony stood Killian up.) This is unfortunate news for Pepper, who left with Maya after the Malibu attack. Annoyingly, I didn’t pick up on the fact that Maya was a bad guy until just before they told us, when she’s all like, “Thank you, Pepper,” and I’m like, Shit, she’s totally evil. Godammit.

(In point of fact, she isn’t evil at all. She’s one of those good bad guys who has a sudden change of heart because the hero reminds her that she has a {deeply buried} conscience. Then she does that dumb thing secondary villains sometimes do, when they massively overestimate their own importance and get killed for it. But that happens later. Anyway, I think the actress, Rebecca Hall, does a pretty decent job with her, even makes her likable, to an extent, but seriously, she’s just the second Bond Girl, and the second Bond Girl pretty much always dies.)

Let’s see, what’s next — oh yes, Killian infects Pepper with the Extremis Virus.

He also captures Tony and Rhodey, who both eventually escape. They figure out that Killian plans to attack Air Force One, and that his plan somehow involves the Vice President. They call to warn him, but the VP won’t be on Air Force One because, of course, the VP is in on the evil plan. This one I knew almost as soon as I saw Miguel Ferrer in the part. (Actually, William Sadler, who plays the president, is even more likely to play a bad guy, but VP’s are more likely to be evil than presidents. It plays better. Secretly evil presidents are kind of annoying. Remember how I used to watch 24? Yeah, I stopped well before the show ended. Also, spoilers. Sorry. But that show has been over for some time.)

Iron Man saves a whole bunch of the flight crew from Air Force One and finally takes out CREH, but Killian successfully kidnaps the President anyway, using Rhodey’s very own Iron Patriot armor. Tony calls every Iron Man suit he has left — they were hidden under the basement —  and uses them to attack. (This feels pretty convenient, and I’m not sure if I’m missing something here. They totally set up the number of suits, but why couldn’t Tony call these earlier, like when he goes to attack the Mandarin? I’m not sure if it’s just a plot hole for drama, or if there was a line of exposition that I didn’t quite catch.)

Rhodey saves the President. Tony jumps from flying Iron Man suit to flying Iron Man suit, attacking Killian and trying to save Pepper. After telling her that he’ll catch her, Pepper drops from something, and Tony . . . er, doesn’t catch her. She falls a few hundred feet into a fiery abyss. I assume she’ll be giving him shit for that forever.

Cause Pepper totally didn’t die. I entertained the notion, for half a second, but only because I’d read that the end of this movie had some big twist that would make Tony’s return in The Avengers seem . . . problematic. Ugh. I avoided clip after clip after clip, but a few hours before I go to see the movie, I get my EW in the mail with RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover, and I’m like, ooh, I should read that. Ugh. Why, brain, WHY? Why did you do this to yourself? (Also, reviewers? Telling someone that there’s some twist too big to spoil is almost as bad as revealing the damn twist, sometimes.) Anyway, I figured Tony could give up being Iron Man after Pepper’s death or something, but I highly doubted it, especially with her being all Infected with Fire and whatnot.

Killian keeps coming back, so Pepper is forced to return from the dead and be TOTALLY AWESOME. And kind of hot. That’s not meant to be a pun. I’m saying, she’s damn good looking, kicking Killian’s ass. Never been this attracted to Gwyneth Paltrow in my life.

I love that she’s the one who takes out the bad guy, ultimately. I was hugely into the development of badass, Extremis Pepper –

– only to have it taken away from me a second later in VO, where Tony says he cured her or whatever. Which, honestly, I think is disappointing — I’d love to see more of Pepper where she isn’t just the constantly-in-danger girlfriend. You want to add female Avengers to the sequel? Add Fire Pepper! (My problem with adding female Avengers, mind you, is not that I don’t want more women — I just don’t want new characters, girls or boys. I’d much rather see more of someone who I already like than take the time to develop some new person I don’t care about. I would also take a super-powered Kat Dennings in a hot second.)

So, I’m — completely unrealistically — hoping we’ll find out later that Tony’s incredibly vague, one-line cure isn’t as complete as he thinks, and that Pepper gets to keep some nifty abilities, preferably without also exploding. Cause, admittedly, that’s a bad trade-off.

Tony blows up all of his Iron Man suits for Pepper as an early Christmas gift, and I’m like, okay, he’s doing that temporary, I-Quit-Iron-Man thing superheroes sometimes do between sequels, and I’m all fine with that. But then we get to the thing that’s causing people to fucking Flip Their Shit: Tony gets the arc reactor and the fragments of the bullet taken out of his damn chest.

Wow. Can’t say I was expecting that.

I also haven’t fully decided how I feel about it. As the end of a trilogy . . . you know, it totally makes sense. They do build the idea a bit in this movie, that Tony is Iron Man even without the suit, that he’s capable of being a hero without the armor, and if that’s the case, he sure as hell doesn’t need a bunch of shrapnel in his chest. As the end of a trilogy, it makes sense. But man, it’s a ballsy move. Tony Stark is always kind of supposed to be half an inch from death, you know? It’s that whole terrible privilege thing he was talking about in The Avengers. (I may have seen that scene about 18,000 times . . . I could watch Robert Downey Jr. and Mark Ruffalo play off each other all day.)

And it’s just . . . without retconning the shit out of this ending, it’s hard to see how the character will continue on without the arc reactor. Obviously, he can just make more suits — Iron Patriot doesn’t need shrapnel in his chest to be Iron Patriot — but it’s . . . you know, I can’t even think of a great equivalent for it. It’s like bringing Batman’s parents back to life or something. It is so damn quintessential to the character, and I suspect I’ll have mixed feelings about it until I see how Joss Whedon handles it in The Avengers 2.

(And am I a bad person, that I kind of wish I’d been there to see Joss Whedon’s nervous breakdown that he must have had when he watched this movie? And I like Joss Whedon. I’m terrible. Absolutely terrible.)

I will tell you what I don’t have mixed feelings on, though: the end credits. The end credits are made of awesome. They remind me a little of James Bond end credits — this is actually what made me come to think of Maya as a Bond Girl. Anyway, they rock, maybe almost as much as the clip after the credits — and I usually hate the shit that comes after the credits. (I think The Avengers is the first movie that’s made it work for me, with the shwarma scene. Man, I loved that little scene.)

This one? Well, it’s awesome because it has SCIENCE BROS. Turns out, Tony is narrating this whole story to Bruce, which is too bad because Bruce is totally sleeping through it. Tony catches him. Bruce apologizes but reminds his buddy that he’s not a therapist.

Bruce: “It’s not my training. I don’t have the . . .”
Tony: “Time?”
Bruce: “Temperament.”

Heh. Then when Tony blithely ignores this and starts describing some incident from his teenage years, Bruce nods and throws his head back in exhaustion and resigned despair, and it’s just . . . perfect. I heart this little scene with all the fangirl squee in my soul. In fact, I like watching these two together so much that I’m considering trying Zodiac again, and I seem to remember that being an occasionally interesting but very long and ultimately somewhat dull affair. (To be fair, I’ve only seen it once. It could have total genius I’m forgetting about. Anybody’s thoughts on Zodiac? Maybe I can rent it and just fastforward to their parts. Yes, that’s totally something I would do.)

And thus concludes Iron Man 3. Next up: Thor 2. I’m . . . I don’t know, I’m just not expecting that one to be as good. We’ll see.

Maybe if Darcy suddenly gets superpowers.

CONCLUSIONS:

Strong end to a trilogy. Funny, action-packed, highly entertaining. Haven’t made up my mind about that end, though.

MVP:

Robert Downey Jr.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

Um. Don’t tell the geeky guy that there’s a pool on the school roof?

I’d planned to see this in theater (mostly because I kept hearing good things about it, which surprised me) but I never quite got there. So my friend Denise and I did a little movie exchange: she borrowed my copy of the original The Thing, and I borrowed this.

Dredd is a lot of fun, but it’s getting the Baby Review treatment today, partially because I’m a busy nerd who wants to get back to her regularly scheduled reading time, but also because I just don’t have a lot to say about it. I can’t compare it to the original comics because I’ve never read them. I can’t compare it to the Sylvester Stallone movie because I’ve, thankfully, never seen it. And the film makes absolutely no attempt to be any deeper than it needs to be. Judge Dredd himself (Karl Urban) has virtually no kind of character development or backstory of any kind. They tell you absolutely nothing about him, just that he’s a badass. Sometimes, I’m okay with that. This is one of those times.

Here’s what I can say about Dredd:

1. Despite being set in a dystopian America where crime is so prevalent that the police are authorized to be judge, juries, and executioners, Dredd has a very similar plot set-up to The Raid: Redemption, an Indonesian martial-arts action movie that I also really liked.

2. Karl Urban is fun as Dredd, all stern and badass and very Clint Eastwood — who apparently was a big inspiration for the character in the comic books. Also, he never takes off his helmet, which is apparently a Big Deal. (It’s okay. I can wait a couple of weeks to see Karl Urban’s pretty face in Star Trek: Into Darkness.)

3. Olivia Thirlby plays Dredd’s new, psychic, probationary partner, and she gets the unenviable task of being the I Must Learn The Will to Kill girl — at least to an extent — but she does the job pretty decently, I think, and overall I like her quite a bit.

4. Also, psychic showdowns? Kind of awesome. I love it when mental battles are actually done well in movies.

5. Lena Headey continues to be a Bad Ass in all things.

5. This is the rare film where all the slow-motion action is actually highly plot relevant and surprisingly works pretty well. (I do think they use it maybe one or two more times than they need to, and occasionally the shiny-ness of it all is a little silly and would probably look better with a bigger budget, but overall it works.)

6. Decent foreshadow and set-up in this movie. I can’t go into detail without spoilers, but I approve. I also like that this isn’t a big Save the World story, that it’s just a job, one day’s violent BS in a long string of violent BS-filled days. That works for me.

7. Dredd is a pretty violent film, which also works for me. There are a few surprising moments too, just stuff you don’t normally see in action movies like this — like what might happen to innocent bystanders during those big cop car chase sequences — and I enjoyed those little moments.

CONCLUSIONS:

Fun, solid action flick.

MVP:

Karl Urban. He basically has to do all of his acting with his voice and chin, so even if there isn’t much in the way of character to explore — you need a strong lead to sell this.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

B+

MORAL:

There is no negotiation.

I’m not exactly qualified to say if Argo should have won or not. I’ve now seen . . . ah . . . a whole two of the movies that were nominated for an Oscar this year. But I do think it’s a pretty damn good film.

SUMMARY:

CIA exfiltration expert Tony Mendez (Ben Affleck) hatches a plan to enter Iran under the guise of making a movie, so that he can extract the six American citizens who are trapped and hiding out in the Canadian ambassador’s residence there.

NOTES:

1. Let’s just get this out of the way: I was not alive in 1980, and I am no great student of history, even relatively recent history and certainly not Middle Eastern history. I do, I’m ashamed to say, have a few failings. I DID read Persepolis many years ago, and I know at least half the lyrics to Billy Joel’s, “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” including “Ayatollah’s in Iran/Russians in Afghanistan.” I vaguely knew there was some kind of hostage crisis, although not how big it was or how long it lasted. That . . . yeah, that was about the extent of my knowledge prior to seeing Argo.

Now that I’m armed with Wikipedia and a handful of other people’s reviews, I’m aware there have been some criticisms about historical inaccuracies, the majority of which seem to be centered around the fact that the CIA didn’t save these people quite as independently as Argo would have you believe. I can certainly understand why that would bother people, particularly if you’re from one of the countries that supposedly turned their back on the six Americans citizens. Or, for that matter, Canada. I might be a touch annoyed if I was Canadian.

However, since I’m American and have, by now, come to expect a little “Go us! We’re so awesome!” from my country . . . well, I guess I wasn’t terribly troubled. Plus, I can see how making the CIA the unsung heroes of the whole piece makes for a slightly more thrilling story. It wasn’t a big issue for me.

2. I did have one problem with the movie, though, and unfortunately, that leads us to everyone’s favorite controversial topic: whitewashing.

Now, knowing Hollywood’s incredibly unfortunate history of casting white actors in non-white roles, my eyebrow rose a little bit when I saw that Ben Affleck was playing a guy named Tony Mendez. But only a little — after all, I’m a quarter Mexican, and no one has ever, ever, looked at my white ass skin and correctly guessed that I’m Latina as well as Caucasian.  Maybe the real Tony Mendez had skin as pale as mine, or hey, maybe he wasn’t Latino at all. Maybe Mendez was his wicked stepdaddy’s name. I mean, the hell did I know, right?

Well, unfortunately, that’s not the case. And while it should be noted that Tony Mendez has been vocal about the fact that he doesn’t consider himself to be Hispanic . . . it still bugs me a little. Let’s be clear: it’s not, like, Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s level of atrocious. In my opinion, there are definitely degrees of whitewashing, and I do think this is on the softer end of the offensive scale. I’m certainly glad that Mendez, at least, seems to be genuinely unconcerned about the ethnicity of the actor who played him, but let’s be honest here: the straight white man has been the default of Hollywood for, well, forever. A TV show with an all white cast, and no one blinks. A movie with only white men, same deal. But a TV show with all women, or all Latinos, or all gay characters . . . it’s suddenly become a Thing. It’s a Message Movie. It’s a Statement. And really, it shouldn’t have to be. It would have been nice to see a Latino actor playing a lead role where it wasn’t important to the story that he was Latino . . . he just was.

And while I do think the talent of an actor is integral to his casting, sometimes even more than ethnicity . . . look, I think Ben Affleck is good in Argo, honestly. I think it’s probably some of the best acting work I’ve ever seen from him. I can also think of at least half a dozen actors who could’ve done just as respectable job in the same part. You know how you come to love an actor in a role, and then you find out that some other dude was originally cast, and you’re like, “What? Who in the holy hell thought THAT was a good idea? Obviously, Mr. X is the only person who could possibly have played this awesome character!”

Yeah, well, that’s not how I feel about Ben Affleck as Tony Mendez. If I did, maybe I wouldn’t be as bothered by the casting. Possibly a smidge, but probably not enough to write a five paragraph note complete with comparison pictures and links. Unfortunately, while Ben Affleck was utterly indispensable as a director, as an actor . . . he could have been replaced. And I think maybe he should have been.

3. Although I suppose it’s only fair to note that none of the characters are drawn with a ton of depth, including Tony Mendez, so it’s not easy to have this “you were meant to play this role” reaction to almost anybody involved. Mind you, this isn’t a knock to the writing. The characters aren’t bad. It’s just that Argo is one of those surprisingly good movies where character isn’t really the focus, despite the truly excellent cast. Seriously, there are a ton of terrific actors playing a variety of supporting roles here — we have Alan Arkin, John Goodman, Bryan Cranston, Titus Welliver, Kyle Chandler, Chris Messina, Zeljko Ivanek, Clea DuVall, Victor Garber, Bob Gunton, Keith Szarabajka — but most of these parts aren’t terribly nuanced or even particularly flashy. Hell, Alan Arkin, who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, doesn’t even have all that much screen time.

But despite the fact that — as a writer — I’m hugely drawn to character-oriented stuff, the movie completely works despite that. Some stories, even Oscar-winning dramas, just aren’t particularly character-focused, and Argo is a very good example of that.

4. So, yes. All of the acting is very strong. And I like Alan Arkin a lot — he and John Goodman play off each other so well. They’re a lot of fun to watch. That being said, if I was in charge of, well, anything, I probably wouldn’t have given him the nod. Don’t get me wrong: Arkin’s awesome — it just doesn’t seem in any way like a stretch for him. My own personal vote for Best Supporting Actor in Argo?

Bryan Cranston is kind of a badass. I really ought to start watching Breaking Bad.

5. I think my only other real complaint with Argo is the whole sorta-subplot with Tony Mendez’s wife and kid. Cause, frankly, it was pretty damn thin. The separation from the son didn’t bug me too much, other than that one line about how kids need their mothers (and not their fathers) because, seriously. That’s some total BS I don’t even want to get into right now. But the sort-of-estranged wife thing . . . even if it’s completely based on fact, it still feels very paint-by-numbers: of course the protagonist is separated from his wife. Of course he doesn’t see his kid all that much.

On the plus side, the wife is barely in the film, and I (surprisingly) never had to hear her screech at Ben Affleck for being a horrible father or something like that. Still, I’d rather she hadn’t been there at all. It seems like an unnecessary and cliched addition to the story.

6. I do actually like the few scenes that Tony and his kid are together, though, especially this one shot of them completely surrounded by all the kid’s science fiction toys and memorabilia. It’s a really nice little moment and gives the film a lovely touch of balance.

7. Also, I really like how the credits have side to side pictures of the real people involved and the actors who were cast to play them.

The attention to detail is pretty awesome. Although once again . . . we went to the trouble to make all of these smaller characters look like their real life counterparts, but not our main protagonist? Ack.

Still, these are good credits.

8. A bit of an aside — as you might already know, the fake movie script for Argo was based off of Roger Zelazny’s SF novel, Lord of Light. I have never read it. I’ve actually never read anything by Roger Zelazny, not even his Chronicles of Amber series. Perhaps I should work on that. Fantasy/SF readers? Thoughts?

9. Some quotes from the script that won Best Adapted Screenplay:

Siegel: “It’s got horses in it, it’s a western.”

Siegel: “The saying goes, ‘What starts in farce ends in tragedy’.”
Chambers: “No, it’s the other way around.”
Siegel: “Who said that exactly?”
Chambers: “Marx.”
Siegel: “Groucho said that?”

Chambers: “You need somebody who’s a somebody to put their name on it. Somebody respectable. With credits. Who you can trust with classified information. Who will produce a fake movie. For free.”

Siegel: “If I’m going to make a fake movie, it’s going to be a fake hit.”

Golacinski: “Don’t fucking shoot anybody. You don’t want to be the sonofabitch who started a war.”

O’Donnell: “Carter said you were a great American.”
Mendez: “A great American what?”
O’Donnell: “He didn’t say.”

Mendez: “You really know Warren Beatty?”
Siegel: “Yes, I do. I took a leak next to him at a Golden Globes party once.”

Chambers: “Target audience will hate it.”
Mendez: “Who’s the target audience?”
Chambers: “People with eyes.”

And of course the catchphrase of the year, the catchphrase made of win:

“Argo fuck yourself.”

I’d get that as a bumper sticker. You know. If I had a car.

10. Finally, yeah. Affleck got robbed.

But with a Best Picture award in his hand, I’m pretty sure he made out okay.

CONCLUSIONS:

Very solid action-history-drama with a great cast. Tightly woven, tense, and not a lot of wasted moments.

MVP:

Bryan Cranston

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

Hollywood will save you.

For starters, the name of this blog is a dead giveaway. Also, glasses. Also, funny hats. Also, a propensity for collecting nerdy toys, odd rubber duckies, and weird stuffed animals. (Gollum, on the upper right side of your screen, is easily the creepiest thing I have ever bought at a Barnes & Nobles. Or anywhere.)

And really, I’m actively proud of being a geek. I didn’t used to be, or at least, I worried that I was too geeky, freaky-different instead of awesome-different. I mean, I liked that I was seemingly the only girl in fourth grade who didn’t want to be a veterinarian or a marine biologist because ponies and dolphins and rabbits, pah. I wanted DRAGONS, goddamnit. (Admittedly, with a name like St. George, I was somewhat predisposed to liking dragons.)

Also, I already knew what I wanted to be: a writer. I loved to read. I’ve never been ashamed of loving to read, even when I got teased for it. And I never thought there was anything wrong with liking fantasy or science fiction or horror . . . but I must have secretly reread this Vampire: The Masquerade role playing manual at least half a dozen times. I loved it, but I never would have played it in a million years. I’ve got these social anxieties, see, and anyway . . . wasn’t pretending to be a vampire on any non-Halloween day just too bizarre?

Since I’ve hit my twenties, I’ve thankfully grown a lot more comfortable with my geekiness, and it’s made me a happier person. The fact that I once went to a Star Trek convention when I was seven used to mortify me. Now I think it’s awesome, and I’ve had so much fun going to different fan conventions since then, watching awesome panels and dressing up as various characters. Joining an online Trek RPG made me a lot of great friends. Embracing fandom and fanfiction has, believe it or not, made me a much less judgmental person. I’m not always the most expressive person when it comes to the outpouring of Feelings and Emotions, but I’m passionate about movies, about books, about superheroes and zombies and interesting female characters, and I think I’m all the more satisfied with my life and myself as a person for expressing that passion in any way I deem fit, safe, and fun.

I’m bringing all this up, in case you’re curious, because I just saw this thing over on Wil Wheaton’s blog where he talks about why it’s awesome to be a nerd, and it . . . I don’t know . . . kind of moved me? Did I mention I’m not always good with the Feelings and Emotions bit? Anyway, you can read about it here or just watch the video:

I don’t try and hide that I’m a nerd any more . . . even at work, where my Batman, Clash of the Titans, and English degree related flair gets the gamut of reactions, from nerd solidarity to oh-you’re-so-adorable-and-odd-but-spunky to uh, I-don’t-get-it-and-why-don’t-we-change-the-subject-now-to-something-safe, like-last-night’s-rerun-of-Survivor. But sometimes I do still feel a little awkward about trying to explain what book I’m reading or why I like violent horror movies or what Dragon Con is and why I’m spending my time and money going there. And God help me if I have to try and explain what writing project I’m working on currently. I fear the Glazed Eye Stare of Ummmmm like nothing else.

(Incidentally, my shyness and  social anxiety BS surprises people occasionally, especially if they met me online. I’ve been told, rather repeatedly, in various different writing contexts and mostly — but not always — as a positive, that I have quite a strong, assertive Voice. Some expect that to translate to a strong, assertive personality face-to-face, and I’ll usually get there, but it can take a while, depending on the social situation at hand and just how many people I’ll be expected to talk to. Heh. They force you to take Speech and tell you it’ll cure you of being shy. They’re dirty, dirty liars, the lot of em.)

But watching videos like this one is good for me because it just reaffirms that there’s nothing wrong with the fact that I like British urban fantasy or TV shows about government agents storing mystical objects in secret government warehouses. For that matter, there’s nothing wrong with the fact that I like stupid action movies, either, or that I actually like playing sports, or that I sometimes crave a juicy night soap.

Being a geek is just about loving what you love and enjoying those things with other nerds like you. Being a geek is kind of about being happy. It’s not a terrible thing, ultimately, to aspire to.