Coming Soon-Ish: Zombie Dragons, Guardians of the Galaxy, Old Wolverine, and Horror in Suburbia

Get Out

So, this looks pretty fantastic.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about Get Out specifically, just that it looks original and creepy as hell, and I’m pretty excited about it. I will forever love my horror movies, but the genre repeats itself a lot, often telling the same kind of morality tale with the same kind of killers and the same kind of victims. This, on the other hand, looks like something totally new, and with Jordan Peele behind the wheel and Bradley Whitford as a bad guy? Yeah. Count me the hell in.

Guardians of the Galaxy

This is just a teaser, so I’m not going to get all pumped just yet. But it’s funny (the Drax-Peter exchange)and cute (Baby Groot!) and Zoe Saldana, as always, looks immensely badass. I’m just hoping Gamora gets a little more to do in this movie because–as much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy–she never really felt like more of a collection of tropes to me, the Strong Female Character who’s really not much more than the Hero’s Love Interest. Zoe Saldana is capable of so much more, provided the story will give her better characterization here than the last movie did.


So, I’m sure people are into this, but . . . this just kind of looks depressing to me? Like, sure, the action is cool (dude, claws through the HEAD) and who doesn’t like Johnny Cash, but I’m not so sure I’m interested in seeing a movie about Old Logan and Super Old Xavier in some post-mutant, super tragic future where everyone else we care about is dead. I do enjoy some darker superhero stories, but at the moment, I’m not particularly feeling this one.

A Cure for Wellness

First, any treatment that looks like that? Probably not a reputable treatment.

This is interesting so far. Not a lot of plot-specific details, but some of the creepy imagery is fantastic, and yeah, I’m amused by slowing down and creepifying “I Wanna Be Sedated.” Also, I see that Jason Isaacs, Dane DeHaan, and Carl Lumbly are all in this? That’s not a bad cast. I’m not quite at the “give it to me, give it to me NOW” stage yet, but I have some interest in this one, and I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing another trailer that tells you a little more about the story itself.

Last Girl Standing

This could be interesting. I’ve always been fascinated by stories that take place after the big event, especially slashers; in fact, I had a horror movie idea a little like this years ago that I never did anything with because I’m a failure of a flip-flopper and moved onto another project. But! I think this could be worth checking out if the whole thing doesn’t turn out to be the Final Girl Has Gone Crazy and Is The One Actually Killing Everyone. I hate that shit.

If I watch this and that’s what happens, prepare yourselves, people, for you will have to listen to me (well, read me) rant about if for THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF WORDS because I will not be pleased.

John Wick Chapter 2

John Wick was stylish and fun, though I didn’t love it quite as much as everyone else seemed to, probably because I didn’t buy certain moments and conveniences in the story. Still, I certainly liked it enough to check out the trailer for the sequel, and it looks . . . you know, okay. Fun action scenes, a good cast (newbies include Common, Ruby Rose, and Laurence Fishburne), and of course THE DOG. (The dog can’t die in this one. I’m okay with the dog dying last time–even though it was kind of devastating because it was SO CUTE–but you needed it for the actual plot. Here, it would just be shitty.)

I think my biggest actual concern is that the sequel will go too big. John Wick worked as well as it did, I think, because it was a very simple story, Awesome Hotel of Assassins aside. I’m hoping this one doesn’t have big global conspiracies or fate of the world consequences or anything else like that. Keep it small: John Wick does a job. John Wick gets revenge. John Wick keeps his goddamn dog alive. End of story.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Um. Is that a . . . zombie dragon?

I wouldn’t have bothered watching this trailer, since this series is largely not-great and the last one was actively terrible, like, it was a little embarrassing, just how bad that movie was. But this is being billed as the final movie in the franchise, and while I know better than to believe in any supposed final movies (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, etc.) I’m sure Mekaela will take this as an excuse to force me to watch it. The rotten fiend.

Assassin’s Creed

Okay, I haven’t played the games, so I knew nothing about the whole modern storyline (based off the video game trailers, I had just assumed the whole thing was set in the past), but . . . anyone else think this is gonna flop hard? Maybe it’ll be a lot of dumb fun, but right now, that’s not the impression I’m getting, although I suppose that’s kind of an easy bet: video game movies, after all, are notoriously crap. (Mortal Kombat being the obvious exception. I heart you and your ridiculousness forever, Mortal Kombat!)

On the plus side, this movie does have a hell of a cast. Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Irons, Marion Cotillard, Michael Kenneth Williams, Brendan Gleeson . . . I mean, that’s a damn amazing lineup. I just doubt that this movie is going to be worthy of them. But I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong; I’d like a video game movie to actually succeed, for once.

And finally . . . The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Redband, so beware: this is NSFW, which in this case means boobies. But it also means better scares because, for some reason, the normal teaser trailer is actually pretty boring.

This one is much better, so I’m glad I watched it. I’m enjoying some of the creepy visuals, and the fact that our protagonists are apparently a father-son coroner team is kind of awesome. Though, as always, I immediately couldn’t help but think but couldn’t we gender bend it? That would have been so COOL.

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Season Premiere Round-Up: September 30th-October 16th

So, I mentioned I was behind, right? (Man, I haven’t even watched Elementary yet. I’m sorry, Lucy Liu and JLM–I forgot you moved to Sundays and have now missed multiple episodes.) Well, here’s what I’ve got for you now: the entire CW superhero lineup and one show that has nothing to do with superheroes at all.

DISCLAIMER: Spoilers for each season premiere I discuss, and anything up to that point in the show.



So, this was a really intriguing start. The ideas are interesting, the scenery is gorgeous, and the music is on point. (Seriously, I’m all about that “Paint it Black” cover.) I figured I’d like this show going in, considering it’s Jonathan Nolan continuing to tackle AI, robotics, and morality (plus, cowboys!), but this might have been even better than I expected.  There are so many small heartbreaking moments. I loved the early reveal of the James Marsden twist. (I’m waiting to see if there will be another bigger twist, like, one of the scientists is actually a robot or something.) The mystery of Ed Harris is intriguing. I’m interested in Thandie Newton’s character. And just everything in general is so well framed (the fly, for example).

My only real critique at this point is that, thus far, there are way more naked women than men in this show. I mean, this is HBO, so I obviously expected that, but come on, guys, that robot shop is like tits, tits everywhere. You get the occasional dude butt, sure, but not all that many, and absolutely zero penises that I recall. It would be neat if this network could work a little on that whole ‘gender equality when it comes to gratuitous nudity’ thing. (I’m not exactly holding my breath here.)


Legends of Tomorrow


Holy shit. That was actually fun.

I waffled for a long time if I was even going to bother checking out Legends of Tomorrow’s second season premiere, and if I didn’t watch literally every other show in the CW superhero multiverse, I wouldn’t have, not after how badly the first season failed. But I decided to give the premiere a chance, and if I liked it enough, I’d try to stick with it; if not, I was dumping that shit and just figuring out the other shows without it. I was pretty sure the latter was going to win out.

But guys, that premiere was so much better than last season. For starters, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Vandal Savage are OUT, and that is already, like, a 25% boost in quality. Opening with New Guy Nate Heywood, Oliver Queen, and the mystery of what happened to the Legends was a surprising amount of fun: Oliver is always so much more enjoyable on everybody else’s shows than his own, and getting the team back together was pretty amusing. (Although I think Ray got the short end of the stick there, considering he had to deal with DINOSAURS. Is it possible that Rip doesn’t actually like Ray all that much? Legends actually capitalized on some of the more fun aspects of time travel, which it failed to do in the past, and I’m extremely excited about a villainous team-up between Reverse Flash and Damien Darhk, some of the best bad guys from The Flash and Arrow, respectively.

I would really like to see another woman on this team besides Sara (much as I love Sara, who’s pretty great) and I’m surprisingly disappointed about the disappearance of Rip Hunter (though that has way more to do with the actor, as the character himself has never been terribly interesting). Still, this was a pretty solid start to the show, and I’m definitely going to check out more. Though in some future episode, maybe they could crossover to The Flash and smack Barry around for all his history-breaking time travel shit, too? (Though, I mean, perspective. I suppose he didn’t nuke New York or anything. Still, we can all agree, right, that Barry has the WORST plans?)


The Flash


I like The Flash, but I’ve got to be honest: after the second season finale, I wasn’t exactly eager to pick up this show again, either. I mean, I was gonna; unlike Legends, I never seriously considered dropping it . . . but it was also very hard to make myself sit down and watch it when I haven’t even had the time to finish Luke Cage yet.

But the premiere was okay. Better than I was expecting, anyway; I was happy that the show jumped forward and Barry wasn’t totally bumbling around in this new timeline he’d created. And I’m definitely happy we aren’t in this timeline all season, like, I’m way more interested in a mostly-same timeline with a few minor but important changes. (I’ve since watched the second episode as well, so I know what some of those changes are now, but after viewing the pilot all I really cared about was: a) Cisco better still have powers, and b) Harry better be back, and he and Cisco must maintain their awesome dynamic of awesomeness.)

I don’t have a whole lot to say about this premiere, since most of what happened doesn’t exactly exist anymore, but here’s what I did jot down while watching:

A) Joe isn’t at work, and Iris doesn’t like him? Oh, I bet Joe has turned into an alcoholic. (She shoots, she scores.)

B) Best line deliveries:

Barry: “Might as well be.”

Joe: “I have a hangover. And a gun.”

Barry: “Kay, so, I can tell from the ‘I don’t believe you’ look on your faces that you don’t believe me.”

Cisco: “My money needs me.”

Cisco: “You just kidnapped this woman.”

C. When Iris asks herself why she accepted a date from Barry, Mek says, “Forced chemistry.” Mek is correct.

D. Seriously, I would PAY MONEY for this show to quit it with the Inspirational Speeches. Not all inspirational speeches, of course, just the ones where Barry can’t figure out how to beat a bad guy or defeat a problem or anything in the last fifteen minutes of the show, but thankfully there’s someone there to tell him that he CAN, that they believe in him, and all of a sudden Barry has a Proper Hero’s Motivation. I’m. So. DONE. I know it’s thematic and all, but at a certain point, it’s also just bad writing. And in case you were wondering, we have long since past that point.




For the most part, this was pretty fun. It’s so hilarious to watch Derek Hale as Superman. He’s not doing a bad job by any means, it’s just like . . . sourwolf, why are you smiling so much? It’s weird!

What I liked: Katie McGrath. The new DEO. Oh, neat, they’re bringing in Metallo! And Brenda Strong is working at Cadmus? Excellent.

What I didn’t like: the whole thing about Cat Grant having an infatuation with Clark Kent . .  . I really had problems with how that was handled. Like, Clark’s whole “sway” thing came across super creepy to me when I realized that what he meant by “I have sway” was “dude, this lady, like, totally digs me, and let me bask in my power over her, cause I can use that shit to get whatever I want.” Especially when Jimmy brings up the whole drunk text thing, like, that just made me hella uneasy. For the most part Clark’s portrayed here is all wholesome and charming–you know, the way Superman really ought to be portrayed–but in this scene he came off as arrogant and kind of skeevy, and I really wasn’t okay with that.

What I haven’t made up mind on: the breakup of Kara and Jimmy. On one hand, I didn’t think they had the slightest bit of chemistry and am totally okay not watching them be yet another boring TV couple. OTOH, they kind of spent all last season building up to this, and even though I didn’t ship Kara/Jimmy, like, at all, I feel a little weird about just summarily tossing a big storyline like that out the window.

What I feel about kryptonite: uh, sorry, Superman, but yeah, the DEO keeps that shit. Supergirl’s already gone evil once. It wasn’t her fault, but that wouldn’t have mattered if she slaughtered a bunch of people, right? After all, you can use kryptonite in a non-lethal manner, and seriously, you don’t just toss out your one and only weapon against superpowers. Unless we’re also telling the DEO to get rid of all their guns because the top brass might order them to shoot a bunch of innocent people.





Okay, so this wasn’t terrible. There are still good moments here. I genuinely enjoy the back and forth between Oliver and Felicity (and Curtis, too, who is always excellent), and the flashbacks are at least more interesting, so far, than they were last year. Also, Chad Coleman doesn’t seem like a bad villain so far. (We’ll see about Mr. Mystery Archer.) And have they upped their game in fight scenes? The fight scenes seemed pretty awesome.

At the same time, though, I feel like we’re continuing a backslide that we’ve already backslid before, and I just don’t care. Green Arrow is killing people again! Yawn. Been there, done that, got the bloody T-shirt. Why is it so hard to have a stance somewhere between ALL KILLING IS WRONG ALL THE TIME NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCE  and I MUST KILL EVERYONE EVER TO BE THE HERO THIS CITY NEEDS. Call me morally gray if you want; I’m pretty sure there’s a middle ground in there. Felicity has a new love interest that isn’t Oliver. Yawn. Diggle’s away in the army. Yawn. Quentin is drinking again and he’s broken up with Donna Smoak. Yawn, and WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT SUMMARILY DISMISSING WHOLE STORYLINES, BERLANTI? Thea has found Inner Peace, or something, so she’s reluctant to put on a suit and save her brother’s life. Less Yawn than WTF: look, Oliver has his faults, totally, but if he had seen Thea getting kidnapped while he was in Retired Domesticity Mode, I don’t believe for a second that he would have hesitated on rescuing her just because he didn’t do that kind of thing anymore.

Also, the statue is a nice idea–and I do like that the show hasn’t forgotten about Laurel, and what she meant to our heroes–but the statue itself is . . . pretty bad, right? I mean, I couldn’t take it seriously at all. I hope that’s not the statue they make when I die heroically as a superhero.

Right now, I’m keeping up with the show, but unless it improves, I’m not sure how many more seasons I’ve got in me . . . because right now I’m watching this for the same reasons I gave Legends of Tomorrow a try–and Legends didn’t waste their second chance (at least, not yet). I’m not feeling particularly strong about Arrow pulling off a similar comeback.


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The Next Great Horror Movie Turned TV Show . . . RESULTS!

Oh, blog. How I have neglected you, and how I will probably keep neglecting you for some time–I’m in the middle of a move, which, I’ve got to tell you, guys, is not exactly how I was planning to spend my October, like, it is not helping with my whole 31 Days of Halloween plan AT ALL. I won’t be fully moved in until the end of next week, and in the meantime, I’m struggling to keep up with all sorts of things, My Geek Blasphemy very much included.

But I do have the results of your Halloween poll! It’s a three-way tie, because you people hate me.

Since we don’t believe in ties around here–at least, not when it comes to first place–it is my sacred duty to break said tie and pick a true horror champion, as dictated by the Pop Culture Gods. Thus the horror movie that will (hypothetically) be the great next TV show is . . .



This was a tough call for me. Re-Animator tied with Salem’s Lot and Nightmare on Elm Street, and I could absolutely watch all of those shows as I (awesomely) envisioned them. Of course I’m all about surreal dream sequences and teenagers solving supernatural mysteries, so obviously Nightmare on Elm Street could be a lot of fun. And Salem’s Lot seems like it might have the most natural potential to be a TV show, like, I can really see how that story could easily expand past a one-season premise.

But when push comes to shove, I’m just really excited by the idea of a gender-swapped Re-Animator. I love the idea of a couple of lady mad scientists getting into all kinds of weekly/ongoing zombie-making shenanigans. I know some people think zombies are played out, but I still think they totally work–I’m just a little worn out on, like, The Walking Dead and stuff. Like, I’m less into full scale apocalyptic stories; I’m all about the offbeat right now: iZombie, for instance, is just the best. And I’d be all for a horror-buddy-comedy (created and run by women) on TV that could be weird and gross and star some funny ladies who are up to their ears in reanimated corpses. As for who should play our beloved Dr. Hermione West . . . anyone have any thoughts? Actual Hermione Emma Watson? Is Kate McKinnon a too obvious choice? How about Jessica Williams? Ellen Wong? Ellie Kemper? Gillian Jacobs? Ruth Negga? Jennifer Lawrence? (Assume the budget is sell-your-soul-to-the-devil large.)

As far as the other contenders go . . . Let the Right One In–which actually is going to be a TV show, a fact I hadn’t realized until Teacups commented–slides in at third place; meanwhile, neither Suspiria nor Saw received any votes at all, and thus they both get Total Loser Award. So, for the record, torture porn and witchy ballet academies are out; vampires, killer nightmares, and zombie comedies are totally in!

Thus concludes our annual Halloween poll. Thank you all for playing!

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Poll: Which Horror Movie Would Make A Good TV Show?

In the last few years, more and more TV shows have been made based on horror movies: The Exorcist just began on Fox, The Omen crashed and burned on A&E, and MTV recently aired the second season of Scream this past summer. Which got me to thinking which horror movie I’d most like to see on TV myself, and you know what that means: HALLOWEEN POLL TIME.

So. I will give you six horror movies and how I envision them as TV shows. Choose the one that sounds best and comment to let me know. Also, your choice doesn’t have to be based on how I envision it; if, for example, I said I wanted to see Halloween as an anthology show where Michael Myers kills different babysitters over a 30-year period, and you were like, “That would be lame, but I’d love to see Halloween resurrect Laurie Strode and see her face off with him on a week-to-week basis,” then you can still totally pick Halloween.

Ready? Okay, here we go. Your contenders:

A. Suspiria

Tone: YA mystery with a heavy dose of surreal witchy weirdness

Plot: Basically a tweaked remake where new student Suzy and friends investigate strange happenings at her ballet academy (including a murder in the pilot, obvs) and eventually discovers witches are running the school. To keep the show past a one-season premise, I’m picturing a lot of alliances with good witches and evil witches among both the faculty and the students, and possibly a rival school at some point.

Network: CW

B. Saw

Tone: Gory, grimdark procedural

Plot: Loose remake which focuses on FBI agents investigating Jigsaw, a serial killer who creates weekly gruesome traps for his victims whilst trying to teach them the value of life. Triple bonus points if both agents investigating him are competent AF women.

Network: FX

C. Salem’s Lot

Tone: Supernatural small town horror shenanigans

Plot: Start with initial concept: writer returns home to find that the town has recently become invested with vampires, and then go wild from there. Keep old characters but add new ones too, preferably with more women. And somewhere along the way include the staircase scene. I love Stephen King, but I don’t find his books particularly frightening–but holy shit, that scene got me. It MUST be included.

Network: AMC

D. Let the Right One In (or Let Me In — I will accept either)

Tone: Creepy coming-of-age story with violence and Feels

Plot: Sequel. The further adventures of Eli and Oskar, probably settling in a new town, making friends, being investigated, killing things, the usual. There would also, I suspect, be more vampires in this town, who may or may not be friendly.

Network: Netflix

E. Re-Animator

Tone: Macabre buddy comedy with zombie hijinks

Plot: Loose remake with a couple of med students bringing their dead professor back to life. Go from there to all kinds of wacky morbid shenanigans. Definitely a Jeffrey Combs cameo in there somewhere, at the very least–hey, he could be the dead professor!–but again, I’d love a gender flip. Dr. Hermoine West, c’mon, people! (Also, preferably some kind of winky reference to The Scene without actually having The Scene, thanks.)

Network: FX

F. Nightmare on Elm Street

Tone: YA mystery with surreal nightmare weirdness

Plot: Slow burn mystery with high school students having freaky  ass nightmares of the same burned up dude. Eventually, the kids start dying. In my head, Freddy Krueger could really only be a one-season villain, though. After that, we’d probably need new villains, although they should really all be nightmare or sleep related. Night hags, anyone?

Network: MTV

Okay, that’s it for today. Comment to vote, and I’ll keep the poll open for about a week.

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Season Premiere Round-Up: September 6th-September 29th

So, the 2016-2017 Fall TV Season has begun. Lots of new and returning shows have already started, and I haven’t watched even half of them, because it’s been a bit busy for me lately, and also because I didn’t want to. Still, I’ve checked out about five shows so far. Here are my general impressions:




I have to catch up on this show (we’re like six episodes in or something?) but I just watched the first two, and so far I’m liking it. I find that I have to crank up my volume like I’m listening to Comedy Central, or British people, but other than that, it’s interesting.

There are far, far better people than a white girl from small town California to talk about why this show is important, and have, so I’m not going to try. What I will say is that I generally find the characters likable or interesting, which is especially helpful in Earn’s case, since male protagonists who are always asking their parents for money and not helping ladies out much on the rent . . . not typically my favorite. But nobody does anything so horrible I can’t stand them; actually, I like all three main characters quite a bit. Paper Boi has some nice scenes, and of course Keith Stanfield is pretty hilarious. There are a lot of moments of quiet humor and a fair amount of WTF humor, too. I do find myself hoping that Earn’s girlfriend will get to do something other than, you know, be a girlfriend. Like, it’d be nice for her to have a storyline that didn’t entirely revolve around wanting Earn to make money or get out, especially because the show’s feeling a bit dude heavy for my tastes at the moment.

Atlanta is, as everyone and their mothers have said, a tonally strange show, bouncing seamlessly between scenes of, say, stoner humor and very abrupt, difficult-to-watch scenes of police brutality. It doesn’t quite feel like anything else on TV, and that, along with a soft spot for Donald Glover, makes me think I’ll probably watch it at least a full season, if not more.



The Good Place


So, that was fun. I went back and forth on if I wanted to check this show out or not, but a good review on io9, my love for Kristen Bell, and a need for a little bit of levity in my life tipped me towards the Check It Out side, and I’m glad I did. I’m not sure I’m going to keep up with it forever–I worry that it will become a bit repetitive–but I’d like to try for now. I laughed out loud a lot, even at some of the moments I knew were coming, and that’s always a big plus. I’m trying to remember which jokes made me laugh the hardest: the dog, certainly, was up there. Also, Kristen Bell’s offhand line about the purse, the reminder that Africa is a continent, not a country, and Michael’s clear inability to understand the mass appeal of froyo.

William Jackson Harper is an awesome straight man, and he and Kristen Bell have great chemistry, like, that’s half the show right there. Ted Danson is also a lot of fun, and I pretty much adore D’Arcy Carden as Janet. Also, I didn’t expect the cracktastic karmic consequences for whenever Eleanor screws up, and I’m excited that there’s a bit of a mystery involved, too. Who knows that Eleanor doesn’t belong there? Will we meet God (or whoever) at some point? And what exactly is God’s criteria system, like, I’m pretty interested in what’s going on behind the scenes when Florence Nightingale didn’t merit a spot in the Good Place, but someone like Tahani–who is all charitable action with somewhat questionable intent–did.

There’s possible room to grow here. If the show does, and continues highlighting the Eleanor/Chidi dynamic duo, I could definitely enjoy it.



Agents of SHIELD


So, I’m partially invested in this. Theoretically, I like the idea of breaking up the team: it adds a layer of complication, giving our players secrets and hidden alliances that could be kind of interesting. It also shifts around the power dynamic, like, I’m into Jemma having a bigger position of power than either May or even Coulson in some respects. At the same time, though, I already miss the team, you know, as a team, and the idea of a whole season getting the band back together sounds vaguely exhausting. I’m also a little less interested in Daisy being the vigilante, even though her scenes aren’t bad, and I’m not a Daisy hater by any means. I just would have been more interested if virtually any other character had been playing it solo. I kind of think a Daisy-lite season might do the show some good, although in fairness to AoS, it’s looking like everyone’s going to have stuff to do.

On a more positive note: Ghost Rider is potentially interesting (although the scene with the brother and the surge of inspirational music that followed didn’t quite work for me), I’m totally into the Life Model Decoy (and hey, it’s Madalena from Galavant! YAY!), I’m excited to see that Yo-Yo’s back (YO-YO!), and OOOOH, May has apparently contracted the weird ghost sickness. See, now that I’m fully invested in.



How To Get Away With Murder


After an occasionally awesome but somewhat shaky second season, I’d say “We’re Good People Now” is relatively solid ‘B’ fun, with some drama that I don’t care about and one damn sweet hook. The worst part, easily, was that beginning; please tell me that there are other people out there besides me and my sister who watched that whole Scream Our Fury Into The Night Sky scene and laughed their asses off. I mean, I get the idea, and those kind of moments can totally work, but boy, did I not buy it here, like, at all.

Also, any Wes/Laurel drama is automatically a snoozefest on every level. I am very definitively not a shipper because Laurel is far too interesting for him, and besides, Wes’s whole “I can’t talk to you because when I look at you, all I see is your shitty ex-boyfriend” thing, I mean, that’s such total bullshit. (Don’t get me wrong; Laurel will probably still end up being involved with Frank somehow because TWISTS, but at this point, for all Wes knows? Yeah, this is a shitty way to treat her.) Oh, and new douchebag student guy? Can he die, like, super quickly? I am deeply not interested in spending any time with this guy.

Let’s see, what else . . . oh, right, my favorite goddamn ship has broken up. This is not my happy face, show. Actually, I find that I’m not quite as upset as I thought I’d be, mostly because I don’t think this is the end of Oliver/Connor at all. Also, I’ve gotta say . . . look, Oliver’s totally right that Connor’s reaction (or lack thereof) is just completely wrong and may not say necessarily great things about their relationship–but then, that’s why you go to counseling or something. What you don’t do is make Connor’s saintlike reaction to your pretty atrocious treachery somehow all about you and not understanding who you are as a person anymore and so you have to break up so you can rediscover yourself on your own because, seriously, WHAT?

Away from that total nonsense. I genuinely like that after a year of murder and hacking up bodies and shootings and framings and everything else you could possibly imagine, the Keating Five aren’t actually doing so hot in school, like, that makes complete sense. I enjoyed seeing Annalise visiting everyone over the summer, and also the show getting back to its initial procedural format. I think it actually needs that along with the twisty soapy murdery goodness. It was also pretty hilarious to see Nate giving Annalise a foot rub because–shamelessly, utterly shamelessly–he’s shirtless as he’s doing so; thus we witness a few of Billy Brown’s 680 ridiculously sculpted muscles actually moving as he rubs her feet.

But of course this episode’s really all about those last few minutes and our new mystery: WHO IS DEAD? Like I said before, it’s a pretty great hook, especially since every episode we’ll be eliminating at least one person who isn’t dead. (If Connor or Oliver die, I walk, people.) If you take the scene at face value, then the most likely people are Bonnie, Wes, or Nate, based on Annalise’s grief-stricken reaction. But since anyone who’s still watching this show in the third season knows not to take shit at face value . . . it really could be anyone because, for all we know, Annalise killed them herself and is just putting on a big show for the cops. (Currently, I’m putting early money on Frank dying after somehow managing to impossibly redeem himself to Annalise over the course of the season, but early money isn’t much, like, I’m wagering maybe four pennies here.)

Finally, two more important things to note: a) Meggy is adorable, so either she’s secretly evil or she’s gonna die, and b) Frank shaved his beard and head. NOOOOOOOOOO.



Lethal Weapon


Here’s another show I was on the fence about checking out. But I finally did, and it’s . . . okay? Should we pro/con/whatever it?


Clayne Crawford is actually pretty good as Riggs. I especially like some of his quieter, matter-of-fact moments later on in the episode. Right now, at least, I think his performance is carrying the show. (He and Damon Wayans also have decent enough chemistry, though, which helps.)


Still, when my spellcheck tried to make ‘Clayne’ ‘Claire’ and I thought to myself, man, how awesome would it have been to have seen Marti Riggs instead? Yeah, I’m still bummed we didn’t get it. Cause the thing is Lethal Weapon isn’t anything new or fresh, and while the women thus far are at least likable–I enjoy Murtaugh’s wife, and Jordana Brewster’s counselor appears so far to be playing a more effective and less overtly antagonistic version of Mary Ellen Trainor’s original character–they also don’t have much to do. (Besides, Brewster will probably just end up Riggs’s love interest, anyway.) A gender-flipped version of this show could at least have been interesting.


Especially since they only double down on the Refrigerated Wife backstory by adding a dead unborn baby, too. Sigh.


While it’s nice to see someone who isn’t freaking out at the first hint of a contraction, woman, call yourself a cab, Jesus. Seriously, ladies, this is your public service announcement from someone who totally isn’t a medical professional but works around a lot of them: if you think you are going into active labor, PLEASE don’t drive yourself to the hospital because this is not safe, and also because if you can drive more than three minutes to the hospital without having debilitating contractions, you very possibly aren’t far enough along yet to be coming to the hospital anyway. (Well, okay, women whose water has broken still need to come in regardless of whether they’re having contractions or not–but never mind, you get the point. In general, call a friend, an ambulance, or Uber, okay?)


I am tired of seeing the same accident over and over and over, TV. Anytime I see a driver’s profile, I just sit back and start counting seconds until a truck comes through and T-bones them.


Bad guys are killed like crazy in this show. Like, no one cares even a little bit about offing criminals, so long as car races aren’t interrupted and the city doesn’t suffer too much financial damage. (Seriously, the Grand Prix scene is more than a little silly, and I could easily have done without it.)


Hey, I forgot Kevin Rahm is in this! And he has a pocket square! Man, I haven’t seen that guy in forever.


Murtaugh is like the most oblivious person ever and probably shouldn’t be a detective. How is he the only person at the dinner table to miss out on the obvious clues that Riggs’s wife is dead? Good Lord, Murtaugh.


Instead of just being old, Murtaugh is going back to work after suffering a heart attack and open heart surgery. I feel like they’re just going to use that as an easy joke, as it’s mostly treated comedically here, but this actually has real potential to be a serious ongoing storyline, like, Murtaugh being afraid to die is a perfectly valid thing. Since most of the pathos goes to Riggs, this could be an interesting thing for his partner to explore. Instead, I suspect Murtaugh will mostly have serious drama whenever one of his family members inevitably ends up in danger.


The clear MVP of this story is not Murtaugh or even Riggs but Murtaugh’s ridiculously cute baby girl. She is the most adorable thing ever and needs to be featured in every single episode. Make it happen, Fox.



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“He Who Controls Spice Controls The Universe!”

A few months ago, as you may or may not remember, I took part in the Clarion West Write-a-Thon. Donors could purchase a movie review, should they opt to do so, and a man named Tom did.

Here is everything you need to know about Tom:

1. Tom is an assistant nurse manager of the ICU, one of the departments I work in.

2. Tom is a gigantic movie buff, like, he’s seen way, WAY, more movies than I have.

3. Tom’s movie opinions are completely wrong roughly 90% of the time.

Tom immediately jumped on the chance to purchase a review, and then, fiendishly, spent the next two months going back and forth on what he wanted to make me watch. Would he give me something he thought I’d genuinely enjoy, despite my fairly minimal interest? Would he give me something so ridiculously terrible that it would totally redefine the so-bad-it’s-AWFUL genre? These were hard considerations, and Tom delighted in proposing different alternatives every day, but in the end, the knowledge that I had never seen David Lynch’s Dune proved too much for him.


And so, good people, let us begin our journey into the world of Dune, a place of spice, Chosen Ones, gigantic worms, and winged underoos.

Continue reading

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Emmy 2016 Recap: Fashion And . . . Well, Mostly Just Fashion

So, the truth of it is this: I didn’t watch the Emmys, or at least, not in full. I had planned to, but, well, life. You know how it goes. So I missed out on seeing Tatiana Maslany win a much deserved Emmy, something I obviously deeply regret. (Because seriously. It’s about GODDAMN TIME she won.)

Thus I’m afraid to say that I have no real award show recap for you this year. I did catch the Matt Damon/Jimmy Kimmel bit, which made me laugh, and I was overjoyed to see Last Week Tonight With John Oliver win because that show is so ridiculously good. Oh, and Key & Peele won? YES. I miss you forever, Key & Peele! I’m also happy to see Rami Malek win for Best Actor, not because I watch Mr. Robot (sorry, guys, I still can’t make myself do it), but because apparently he’s the first non-white actor to win the category in 18 years, which is the kind of depressing stat  that I should stop being shocked by, and yet . . . nope, it’s like I don’t learn.

Which leaves us with the bit of the award show that I absolutely did watch: The Red Carpet.


Kerry Washington
You never know how maternity dresses are going to go, but I thought Kerry Washington looked stunning. Her hair is gorgeous, and I love the slender cut-outs. This is the maternity dress all other maternity dresses should aspire to be.


Viola Davis
The hot pink is a bold choice and looks great on her skin. On me, Christ no–I would hate this dress on me. But she makes it work, and I love the lip color, too. Plus, her husband wore a matching pink bow tie, so now I am officially in love with them as a couple forever.

Kristen Bell
Love it. It’s big and romantic and different than everything else on the carpet. Unlike Viola Davis’s gown, I would wear the hell out of this dress.

Sarah Hyland
Also totally different than anything else on the carpet. Personally, I think it’s adorable. I would have a lot of fun wearing this too. (Can’t decide if you should wear a dress or pants? Wear both! Everybody wins!)

Tracee Ellis Ross
Classic, lovely, and elegant. Me like.

Yara Shahidi
I’m unfamiliar with the actress, but there’s something about this dress that I just find rather charming. It’s different without being showy, and she looks great in it.

Trevor Jackson
I’m afraid I don’t know this actor, either, but I definitely approve of his suit–which is SUPER impressive, actually, because velvet suits usually do nothing for me. This looks damn swanky, though.

Natasha Lyonne
This is old school glamour, and I love it. I’m all about anyone who can rock a white cape like that.

Angela Bassett
I feel like I shouldn’t like this one as much as I do–this is a very hard color to pull off–but I think Angela Bassett can actually pull it. I mean, she is owning this dress, right? Besides, you’ve got to like dramatic sleeves.

Lili Taylor
Rocking the pants suit. YES.


Laura Carmichael
Damn it, there are just some colors that don’t go together, and I think banana yellow and soft lavender qualify. Not to mention the structure of that shirt is just peculiar, and . . . is that a daisy? No, I can’t even pretend to understand this look.

Amanda Peet
Er. Maybe it’s supposed to be bumblebee glamour?

Mandy Moore
I like the color, but I have never, ever understood tiered ruffles, and I don’t really like how the dress suddenly becomes sheer, either.

Amy Poehler
I’m a big believer in dressing whatever the hell age you want, but . . . boy, this is an old lady dress. I almost feel like maybe the top part could work on its own but paired with the bottom . . . it’s just way too many green sequins for my taste.

Sarah Paulson
I’m aware that I’m just further demonstrating my complete lack of taste, but this is one of those fashion-forward dresses that I just don’t like at all. Maybe if I could cut off the whole skirt and make it into a super sexy evening jacket? As is, I’m thinking my theme of the night might be “sorry, too much green shit.”

Stacy London
Look, even I don’t like these polka dots, and I love polka dots. This is just bad. And yet, miraculously, it’s still not my least favorite dress on the carpet. Because seriously–

Anna Chlumsky
I can’t even.


Tom Hiddleston, Liev Schreiber, Paul Sparks, Thomas Middleditch, Kit Harrington, Tony Hale, Courtney B. Vance, and all the other guys out there in their perfectly nice tuxes who don’t have to worry about being fashion-forward or wearing the same suit as anyone else or repeating a previous year’s look or really anything at all, fashion wise. You’re lazy, the lot of you. Shame! SHAME!

All right, that’s it for today. I’ll try to actually watch the ceremony next year, if only so I have something to talk about other than my own personal sense of fashion.

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