“Forward, Victoria” – Nominated For The Shirley Jackson Awards

Other than eligibility posts, I don’t usually write here about award nominations and the like for one very important reason: I’ve never been a finalist for anything before. As far as I know, I’ve never even made a long list, much less been nominated for a major award. But to my absolutely bewildered delight, my story “Forward, Victoria” (published in The Dark) has just been nominated in the Short Fiction category for the 2021 Shirley Jackson Awards. And I want you to know, here and now, I’m not gonna be cool about this at all. Folks. Lovelies. I’m so fucking excited.

You can check out the entire list of nominees here. In the meantime, just assume this is me today.

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World’s Worst Trekkie: Elaan of Troyius, Whom Gods Destroy, and Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Listen, I meant what I said however many months ago: I will finish TOS this year. It might not happen until the very last week of 2022—October, undoubtedly, will be swallowed whole by horror movies—but it WILL happen.

So. Let’s dive back in, shall we?

“Elaan of Troyius”

Oh, boy. Okay. The Enterprise is on an escort mission. They’re transporting Elaan, the Dohlman of Elas, to the planet Troyius, where she is to marry their ruler and create peace between their two worlds. Only one problem: Elaan doesn’t want to get married and live on Troyius. She certainly doesn’t want the Troyian ambassador, Petri, to teach her their customs; in fact, when he enters her quarters without permission, she stabs him. (She’s hilariously nonchalant about it, too.) Since Elaan responds (somewhat) better to Kirk, he ends up trying to teach her courtesy and table manners. The lessons go, uh. Well, we’ll come back to that. What’s important here is that Elaan cries on him, which isn’t great because her tears are a biochemical love potion. Meanwhile, Klingons are trying to blow up the Enterprise. Again, not great, as the ship has been sabotaged and needs dilithium crystals to escape. Thankfully, Elaan is wearing dilithium crystals: her necklace is made out of them. Turns out, these crystals are common stones around here, which is why the Klingons are so invested in gaining control of this territory. The Enterprise neutralizes the Klingon threat, Elaan ultimately goes to Troyius, and Kirk conquers his love for Elaan with his love for the Enterprise, or some shit.

“Elaan of Troyius” is basically The Taming of the Shrew in space, and since I hate the ending of that play almost as much as I hate the ending of The Merchant of Venice . . . yeah, this wasn’t my favorite episode. There are some good things, like, the costumes are hysterical. Elaan has kind of a Cleopatra meets Leeloo thing going on, and her guards, well. Just look at these silly ass costumes. And I actually do like Elaan (France Nuyen from The Joy Luck Club). Yes, she’s literally a royal pain in the ass, but she’s also doing her best to get out of an extremely shitty situation where she has to leave not only her home but her entire home world behind to marry her enemy and live in a culture that’s completely antithetical to her own. If this story had a happier ending, Elaan would take off with the Klingons, where she’d obviously thrive; instead, she abruptly makes peace with her situation for no clear reason that I can see and goes off to live a presumably miserable existence with her new husband. I don’t necessarily mind that she does this, like, it’s her duty, it’s for the good of her people, etc. But the story doesn’t bother to present any real turning point in her arc. Elaan just changes her mind because, well. Cause the episode is about to end.

And Jesus, the casual misogyny and ethnocentric bullshit in this one. Like, Kirk supposedly explaining Troian customs to Elaan by yelling at her about (white, Western) human table manners: using silverware, eating food off the plate, not drinking straight from the bottle, etc. He calls her both an “uncivilized savage” and a “vicious child in a woman’s body.” He threatens to spank her and actually does slap her—which, sure, she slapped him first, but you kind of hope that a Starfleet captain could manage to display authority without resorting to physical violence. Kirk also has these wise words to offer Spock: “The women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim.”

For real. Fuck this guy.

Chief Asshat: Kirk, no doubt.

MVP: France Nuyen, without question. I really do enjoy her performance here.

Grade: Rocky Road

Line of the Episode: “So, Ambassador Petri is going to recover. That is too bad.”

“Whom Gods Destroy”

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Kirk and Spock beam down to an asylum for the criminally and incurably insane on Elba II, a planet with an atmosphere that’s poisonous to humans. They’re bringing medicines that might be able to cure insanity once and for all; unfortunately, one patient, Captain Garth (AKA, Lord Garth), a former Starfleet captain and one of Kirk’s many heroes, has taken over the place, imprisoning the warden (Keye Luke) and quickly capturing Kirk and Spock. Garth almost escapes a few times because he has, er, learned how to shapeshift? Thankfully, though, Scotty isn’t allowed to beam anyone up unless they give the proper chess-themed countersign. (It’s a decent idea, honestly, but it’d make a lot more sense if one, Kirk had actual reason to suspect shapeshifters here, and two, if anyone on this ship had ever thought to use a secret password before—or, presumably, ever again.) Roughly 45 minutes of shenanigans later, Kirk and Garth-Kirk battle it out, Spock finally realizes which is which, and Garth gets the new medicine and seems to regain some lucidity. Uh. Folks? Did Trek just . . . cure all mental illness wholesale?

Honestly, I did have a pretty fun time watching this one. If you enjoy William Shatner’s particular brand of overacting, Garth-Kirk’s temper tantrum alone is well worth the price of admission. But a lot of the dialogue is genuinely funny, too. I enjoy Steve Ihnat as Garth, and I like his girlfriend Marta (Yvonne Craig, AKA, Batgirl), an Orion patient who boldly and hilariously takes credit for Shakespeare’s “Sonnet 18.” Marta also attempts to seduce Kirk before quickly trying to stab him, which is frankly something I wish more of Kirk’s ladies would do on this show. (I wonder if Marta and Elaan might get along.) And yes, there’s a sexy dance because of course there’s a sexy dance, but I’m mildly amused that Spock, predictably unmoved, is reminded of a Vulcan children’s dance while watching it. (He does specify the children themselves are not usually so “coordinated.”) There are, I’m sure, a lot of creepy, terrible jokes that can be made here, but I’m genuinely interested in exploring things that are considered obviously sexy by (many) humans, but aren’t considered even remotely sexy by non-humans.

Still, this episode is something of a hot mess. Lots of silly or lazy writing, like the aforementioned password, Garth’s very random shapeshifting abilities, and especially Spock’s inability to tell which Kirk is the real Kirk. Cause one, bullshit, sir. Spock could obviously come up with questions that only Kirk would be able to answer. And two, Spock doesn’t even need to ask questions. He could just stun both dudes, and the problem would immediately be solved. There’s also the subject matter itself, which, admittedly, isn’t nearly as offensive as I’d feared. Garth’s delusional megalomania is played for laughs, but it somehow doesn’t feel as gross as I’d expected, and Kirk does tell Garth that his mental illness isn’t his fault, which is surprisingly progressive. That being said, uh, we’re keeping these people in tiny cells on a planet thats atmosphere is poison; clearly, we’re not that progressive. And while it isn’t Garth’s fault that he’s sick, Kirk also says Garth’s not truly responsible for the terrible things he’s done, and . . . no, that’s not quite how responsibility works. Like, Garth murders Marta here;  he is, ultimately, responsible for that. I also feel like Garth’s mental illness would be more compelling if we got a deeper glimpse of past trauma or something that made his disease feel more character-oriented, rather than simply a plot obstacle. (Also? Garth can’t watch He-Man anymore because he says “Master of the Universe” way too often.) And seriously, DID TREK CURE INSANITY? Like, I have so many follow-up questions.

Chief Asshat: I mean. Garth did blow Marta up. (And not just with any bomb, mind you, but the most powerful explosive in the universe. Seriously, some silly ass writing in this episode.)

MVP: Marta, poor Marta. I will miss your stolen poetry and attempts at homicide.

Grade: Chocolate

Line of the Episode: Oh, this is difficult. There really are several good quotes here. Kirk has a few nicely delivered lines, like when Garth proposes that Kirk serve as a human sacrifice, and he’s like, “No, I wouldn’t enjoy that at all.” Also, Spock being questioned about whether he and Kirk are brothers or not: “Kirk speaks somewhat figuratively and with undue emotion. However, what he says is logical, and I do, in fact, agree with it.” And of course, Garth telling Kirk, “You continue to resist. That was stupid of you.”

Still, I think I’m going to have to give this one to Marta, notorious poet thief:

“You wrote that?!”
“Yesterday, as a matter of fact.”
“It was written by an Earth man named Shakespeare a long time ago!”
“Which does not alter the fact that I wrote it again yesterday!”

“Let That Be Your Last Battlefield”

Oh, no. We’ve hit this episode: TOS takes on racism.

The Enterprise rescues Lokai, a shuttle thief whose skin is black on the left side and white on the right. Then Bele (Frank Gorshin, AKA The Riddler), an alien cop whose skin is white on the left side and black on the right, pops up and demands that Kirk hand over Lokai and fly them back to their home planet. Lokai, himself, demands political asylum, and we quickly discover that Bele’s people once enslaved Lokai’s people, and even now Lokai’s people are still widely oppressed. Bele has apparently been hunting Lokai down for 50,000 years, so he’s pretty obsessed about it; when Kirk won’t do what he wants, Bele psychically takes over the ship and—eventually—gets them back to his world, only to discover that everyone there is dead, having annihilated one another. Despite this, Lokai and Bele are unable to let go of their hatred, so when Lokai escapes to the planet, Bele gives (hilariously pathetic) chase, and the Enterprise leaves them there, presumably to kill each other and/or die of exhaustion.

So. This is not a subtle episode. Subtlety wants absolutely nothing to do with this clunky ass episode. That being said, I like some of it. I enjoy the bridge crew’s quiet reactions when Kirk orders the self-destruct sequence. Frank Gorshin’s performance, for the most part, is really solid throughout—except that chase scene, which I think is supposed to indicate a man on the verge of emotional and physical collapse, but which is really just the silliest and saddest running I’ve ever seen in my life. I like how Spock and Kirk are completely baffled when they discover the cause of this entire racial divide, and Bele is just as baffled (not to mention indignant) to realize that they don’t see any meaningful difference between him and Lokai. And—with serious caveats—the downbeat ending works for me, as I assumed this would be the episode where Star Trek handily solves racism in 50 minutes. I think this works better.

That being said. Some of my problems are plot related, like, why is Bele able to psychically steer the ship but can’t disrupt the self-destruct sequence? That seems silly. Also, 50,000 years? No. That’s ridiculous. That is too much. How long do these guys even live? How often did they think, ‘Hey, it’s been 40,000 years. Maybe I should check in and make sure everyone back home is still alive.’ Also bizarre: our heroes are weirdly startled by Lokai’s two-toned skin, to the point that they decide he must be a genetic mutant; Bones even refers to Lokai as “anyone or anything,” like this guy is the most unfathomable being they’ve ever come across, like this isn’t the crew who met Mother Fucking Horta. Acting like Lokai is some inexplicable creature feels like an off-putting way to begin an episode where all our heroes have long since defeated racism. (Which is hard to swallow, too, like, I genuinely enjoy that Star Trek is an aspirational show. Still, exchanges like this one—There was persecution on Earth once. I remember reading about it in my history class/Yes, but it happened way back in the twentieth century. There’s no such primitive thinking today—are always going to be hard to take seriously, partially because that’s not even true in canon—we’ve definitely had racist crew members—and partially because racism is a thing of the past is how many white people talk right now.)

But maybe my biggest problem with this episode is that it’s framed as a “both sides” racism story. Like I said, the metaphor isn’t exactly subtle here: Bele’s people are white people and Lokai’s people are Black. Bele’s people are in the wrong—because when it comes to slavery and brutal systematic oppression—white people are in the wrong. Like, pretty unequivocally. But TOS doesn’t explore that; what it does, instead, is present Lokai and Bele as equally irrational people consumed by hatred. Consider the scene where Lokai is explaining his behavior and the current living situation of his people. You’d think this would be a moving speech, emotional; instead, the scene has a weirdly sinister edge. We barely see Lokai as he speaks; mostly, he’s depicted as a shadowy presence. The scene is primarily from Spock’s POV, actually, as he eavesdrops outside. We even get, like, danger, Will Robinson, danger music, as if Lokai is a serious threat who might brainwash the crew and/or incite them into mutiny and rebellion. (Also, and this is neither here nor there, but why does Lokai know that racist persecution apparently ended on Earth in the 20th century. Honest to God.) It’s also insinuated that Lokai lets people die for him, rather than face danger himself—a theory of which we’ve seen literally zero evidence for. And the whole ending where Kirk urges Lokai and Bele to give up their hate, as if their hate is equal, as if they both have genuine cause to despise one other and will only be free once they let go of their rage . . . like, this is a totally solid ending for some other episode about prejudice, but for one that’s so clearly about white and Black people in 1960’s America? Yeah, I’m not so convinced on that.

Chief Asshat: Bele, obviously

MVP: Frank Gorshin, continuing the winning streak of Batman alums.

Grade: Vanilla

Line of the Episode:

“All that matters to them is their hate.”
“Do you suppose that’s all they ever had, sir?”
“No . . . but that’s all they have left.”

Now Available at IZ Digital: “An Atlas of Names and Footprints and Thoughts Unsaid”

On average, I probably publish 2-3 short stories a year, which is why it’s very neat and very weird that I have so much happening in just the next four weeks—not to mention some good news that I can’t quite announce yet. In October, my debut short story collection You Fed Us to the Roses will come out. I’ll also have a flash fiction appear in Nightmare and a micro-flash in Apex. And today my short story “An Atlas of Names and Footprints and Thoughts Unsaid” is now available to read at IZ Digital for paid subscribers.

“An Atlas of Names and Footprints and Thoughts Unsaid” is . . . I don’t know if I want to call it a departure, exactly, but I do lean heavily towards contemporary fantasy and horror, while this is my first weird western/second world fantasy short story. It’s also an F/F romance between an ace monster hunter and a fashionable lady detective, and I’m just really pleased it’s out there because it meant quite a bit to me to finally find a home for this one.

Unofficial Radiohead Pairing: “Videotape”

The 4th Annual Horror Bingo is About to Begin! (And You Should Play Along!)

October is just around the corner, which means it’s almost time for Horror Bingo! This will be our 4th Annual Horror Bingo, which works like so:

Every year, Mekaela and I separately come up with a list of 15 horror movies we’d like to watch or rewatch. In years past, we’ve always managed to avoid picking the same films; this time around, however, we both chose Nope and The Black Phone. (Nope will go into the bingo bucket twice, while The Black Phone will be our free space movie.) Throughout October, Mekaela and I will randomly pick these movies out of the bingo bucket (in actuality, our favorite skull jar) and watch them until one of us eventually gets BINGO. I’ll also be reviewing said movies here, of course, and if you’re inclined, you’re more than welcome to play along. All you need to do is this:

1. Make or print yourself a bingo card. (I use an Excel spreadsheet, but you do you.)

2. Put The Black Phone in the free space.

3. Fill out the rest of your bingo card with any 24 of the following horror or horror-adjacent films:

Lake Mungo
One Cut of the Dead
Bit
The Call (2020, dir. by Lee Chung Hyun)
Popcorn
The Omen (1976)
The Night House
Hell House LLC
The Fly (1986)
Tenebrae
Nope
The Abominable Dr. Phibes
Poltergeist (1982)
Ring (1998)
The Faculty
Battle Royale
Promising Young Woman
As the Gods Will
Pontypool
My Best Friend’s Exorcism
28 Days Later
Train to Busan: Peninsula
Sweetheart
Spree
Bodies Bodies Bodies
Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror
Blood Quantum
Rhymes for Young Ghouls
Halloween Kills

(Mekaela and I always draw our bingo cards randomly, but feel free to pick your favorites and/or be strategic, i.e., definitely put Nope somewhere on your card because the odds are obviously in your favor. We also have a few alternate movies in case one of the films above ends up becoming unavailable; for example, if The Abominable Dr. Phibes gets taken down from YouTube or if Bodies Bodies Bodies doesn’t end up streaming anywhere in October. The alternates won’t affect the game itself, just which movie I ended up watching and reviewing here.)

4. Cross out the appropriate spaces as I watch/review the movies. Watch the movies themselves if you’d like, and if you get bingo, feel free to gloat in the comments section! There are no prizes to be won, I’m afraid, but it is something easy and fun to do in the spooky season.

And that’s it! Let us all have a glorious October and pray that, finally, this is the year Pontypool and Lake Mungo actually get picked, for they have become the red-headed stepchildren of Horror Bingo and really deserve a bit of love.

TV Superlatives – June, July, August – 2022 – PART II

Hello again! It’s time to dive back into TV Superlatives, this time with ALL THE SPOILERS. (You can check out Part I if you missed it.) Here’s a quick reminder of all the shows I’ve been watching this summer:

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Another
Floor is Lava (Season 2)
Last Week Tonight (Season 9, Episodes 13- 22)
Running Man (Episodes 63-75 and 606-618)
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds
Stranger Things (Season 4, Volumes 1 and 2)
Evil (Season 3)
Why Didn’t They Ask Evans?
Tomodachi Game
The Great Shaman Ga Doo Shim
Inspector Koo
Harley Quinn (Season 3, Episodes 1-7)
The Sandman
Soundtrack #1
Adamas (Episodes 1-10)
KinnPorsche (abandoned)
Baking Impossible (abandoned)
Resident Evil (abandoned)

Again, SPOILERS abound in this post. We’re gonna start off real light (the first award barely even counts as a spoiler, honestly) and then bounce straight into character deaths, so please do scroll with caution.

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TV Superlatives: June, July, August – 2022 – PART I

It’s that time again! Over summer, I watched a fair bit of television, definitely more than I managed during spring. Here’s a list of everything I’ve been watching, including the few shows I heartlessly abandoned for other things:

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Another
Floor is Lava (Season 2)
Last Week Tonight (Season 9, Episodes 13- 22)
Running Man (Episodes 63-75 and 606-618)
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds
Stranger Things (Season 4, Volumes 1 and 2)
Evil (Season 3)
Why Didn’t They Ask Evans?
Tomodachi Game
The Great Shaman Ga Doo Shim
Inspector Koo
Harley Quinn (Season 3, Episodes 1-7)
The Sandman
Soundtrack #1
Adamas (Episodes 1-10)
KinnPorsche (abandoned)
Baking Impossible (abandoned)
Resident Evil (abandoned)

A quick reminder for how these work: superlatives may be bestowed upon any show I’m watching, no matter whether said show is currently airing or not. This summer, I’m splitting my superlatives in half, so Part I is generally spoiler free; however, I may discuss events from past seasons. For example, I won’t spoil Season 4 of Stranger Things, but any major revelations from Seasons 1, 2, or 3 are totally fair game. Also, I allow ties. Get used to ties because there are gonna be a LOT of them.

Let’s begin, shall we?

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Triple Scoop Review: Big Match, Inseparable Bros, and The Villainess

Big Match

Year: 2014
Director: Choi Ho
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Viki
Spoilers: Nah
Grade: Vanilla

Big Match is enjoyable, pretty light-hearted fare. Once again, Lee Jung Jae is playing a dude trapped in a high stakes game where rich assholes bet money on if he survives; unlike Squid Game, however, Choi Ik Ho (Lee) isn’t playing various deadly children’s games. Instead, he’s a hothead MMA fighter forced to complete various dangerous tasks (escape the police, attack a bunch of gangsters, sing karaoke, etc.) if he wants to see his brother alive again. Shin Ha Kyun, who I’ve been pretty much obsessed with since watching Beyond Evil, plays the villainous mastermind Ace, and his hair in this movie is just . . . it is art. It is perfection itself. If I owned a curling iron, or hair spray, and actually knew how to do anything with my hair, I would 100% style it this way. His whole aesthetic in this film is just . . . *chef’s kiss.*

But yes, yes, the movie itself. Big Match is fun and silly—there are zero tonal similarities between this and Squid Game—and never takes itself too seriously. My attention did start to drift, I don’t know, maybe the last 20-25 minutes of the movie? And of course, it’s always hard whenever an actor I love is playing the villain, since I just end up rooting for them the whole time, particularly since I never did care very much about Ik Ho. (I do feel sorry for his brother, though, poor dude.) Still, I had a decent time watching this. Shin Ha Kyun is campy and petulant and delightful, and it’s fun to see Lee Jung Jae as this buff martial arts dude. I was both surprised and pleased to see Choi Woo Shik pop up, and I enjoyed Ra Mi Ran as Ik Ho’s sister-in-law, Hyung Soo. If you’re in the mood for an easy watch with ridiculous action scenes and fantastic hair, you could probably do worse than Big Match.

Inseparable Bros

Year: 2019
Director: Yook Sang Hyo
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Viki
Spoilers: Some, yes
Grade: Chocolate

. . . LOL, I’m not at all convinced that this trailer does a great job establishing the overall tone of this movie. Like, parts of the film are definitely comedic, but . . . yeah, this isn’t quite it. Also, fuck it, this whole Triple Scoop Review is just gonna be dedicated to Shin Ha Kyun, I guess, because I’ll apparently watch all kinds of shit that I wouldn’t normally sign up for so long as he’s in it. Case in point: Inseparable Bros, which—in fairness—I didn’t watch solely for Shin Ha Kyun. I also wanted to see Lee Kwang Soo and Esom, too. But yeah. My wheelhouse is pretty firmly horror/fantasy/SF/action/mystery. I’m not saying I never venture out of these genres, but inspirational comedy-dramas, particularly ones based on true events, are really not my jam. And a story about two good friends—a very intelligent quadriplegic man and a sweet swimmer with intellectual disabilities—who’ve closely relied on one another for years . . . like, Jesus, I already watched The Mighty, okay? I know where you’re going with this, and my soul’s not in the fucking mood. (I feel the way about tearjerkers that some people feel about horror movies: why would you willingly do that to yourself, why?)

That all being said . . . I actually did enjoy this one.  It helps that while I did get a tiny bit emotional once or twice (because there are sad moments, and/or because I’m a weepy mess of a person), it wasn’t quite the soul crushing tragedy that I’d anticipated. And the movie didn’t feel too, like, cringeworthy inspiration porn, either? (Though as a non-disabled person, I could very well be missing things here.) To me, the focus, really felt like it was on Se Ha and Dong Goo’s relationship, rather than just some, IDK, triumphant underdog story that makes able-bodied people feel good about themselves?

The cast is excellent: Shin Ha Kyun and Lee Kwang Soo both give really solid performances as Se Ha and Dong Goo, respectively, and they have a great rapport. I like Esom in this, too, although I do feel like her character is a bit off balance with the rest of the story; I wish she either had less screen time or a stronger arc. (Although I do like that this isn’t a romance and that any jealousy aspects are minimal. Also, I enjoy the mildly antagonistic friendship between her character and Se Ha.) I was delighted to see other familiar faces in this movie, too: Kwon Hae Hyo, Kil Hae Yeon, Ahn Ji Ho, and Park Chul Min. Ahn Ji Ho and Kim Hyun Bin are both really well cast as Young Se Ha and Young Dong Goo, and despite limited screen time, I really enjoyed Kwon Hae Hyo as Father Park as well.

Inseparable Bros. is kind of a simple story and there aren’t any big surprises except that—SPOILERS—our leads both live! But overall, I think it’s told pretty well: I like Se Ha’s reserve and crankiness, I like Dong Goo’s complicated relationship with his mother, and I think a couple of the flashbacks near the end of the film are used quite nicely. Obviously, it’s unfortunate that I, notably cold of heart, enjoyed a heartwarming dramedy, but there you have it. Sometimes, we just can’t help ourselves.

The Villainess

Year: 2017
Director: Jung Byung Gil
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Amazon
Spoilers: Yes, absolutely
Grade: Vanilla

Hm. You know, I have mixed feelings on this one, and I’m still trying to sort them out. The Villainess has some serious La Femme Nikita vibes (with a few parts that strongly reminded me of Kill Bill), and obviously, I’m a sucker for badass assassins and revenge flicks. I generally enjoyed all the frenetic action scenes. There are one or two pretty brutal surprises. I’m obsessed with the shot of Sook Hee in a wedding dress holding a sniper rifle. And the cast is pretty great, too. I enjoy Kim Ok Bin as Sook Hee, our assassin protagonist whose life just gets increasingly more and more tragic. Kim Seo Hyung is great as Kwon Sook, the chief of the spy agency who recruits Sook Hee. (I loved Kim Seo Hyung in Nobody Knows; this woman was just born to play a mega cool badass in charge.) Obviously, I continue to like Shin Ha Kyun; motherfucker just exudes charisma in this film, like, hot damn. He is one insanely cold-hearted (and sexy) bastard here. And it was nice to see a couple of actors I didn’t expect: Sung Joon (who I enjoyed in White Christmas) plays Hyun Soo, a spy who falls in love with Sook Hee, and Park Chul Min pops up for the second time this week, this time playing Sook Hee’s father.

Still . . . I feel like something’s missing here, and I’m trying to decide exactly what that is. I saw a lot of reviews arguing that The Villainess has second act problems, and . . . yeah, I probably wouldn’t disagree with that. In a way, I feel like this movie doesn’t quite know what it wants to be about—or maybe it does know but never quite supports the thesis? Like, okay. By the end of the film, Sook Hee has lost everything—her child, her husband, her (admittedly not great) spy/assassin job—and all she has to show for it are a bunch of dead bodies (including the body of the man who ruined her life) and yet another arrest for mass murder. That, I think, is supposed to be the tragedy here: Sook Hee could (possibly) have had the normal life she longed for, but her obsession with revenge (and with Joong Sang, himself) ruins any chance of that. Kwon Sook tells her as much shortly before Hyun Soo and Eun Hye are murdered, and Joong Sang tells Sook Hee that the real pain will begin once she kills him—which she does, giving way to the last shot of the film, which (in true cycle of violence style) echoes the beginning of the movie, with Sook Hee violently grinning as she’s arrested.

Of course, “revenge destroys you and everyone around you” is not the most original moral, as far as these things go, but that’s not really my problem here. I think my bigger problem is that I never quite buy that Sook Hee does long to have this normal life. We’re told she does, but . . . I don’t know, I never quite felt it. Maybe I would have if we got more into her acting career, or if we spent more time with her daughter, or if I ever bought her romance with Hyun Soo—but I never did. The actors are both fine separately, but I’m not convinced they have much chemistry together—frankly, I think Kim Ok Bin has the best chemistry with Kim Seo Hyung—and while I think Hyun Soo is supposed to come off as an awkward but ultimately good-hearted spy stuck between a rock and a hard place, he mostly struck me as a Nice Guy creeper, and I spent half the film chanting for his death. I totally buy Hyun Soo’s thing for Sook Hee, but I never quite buy her thing for him, and maybe because of that—because Sook Hee never seems all that invested in her relationship or her career or really becoming this new person who puts her old life behind her—I don’t think the tragic arc hits nearly as hard as it could—even though they kill off her small, adorable child, which I will admit surprised me. Likewise, I don’t think Sook Hee’s implied descent into villainy makes for a particularly strong or satisfying conclusion, either. It’s totally a cool shot, but the emotion doesn’t linger. Which . . . yeah, might be how I feel about the movie as a whole. I could totally watch it again, didn’t have a bad time at all, but was also definitely left with the impression that it could have been so much better with a stronger script.

Triple Scoop Review: Green For Danger, Free Guy, and The Lost City

LOL, I started writing up reviews for these movies ages ago, and then got sidetracked with other projects, travel, etc., and just sorta . . . forgot about them? Whoops.

Anyway, here are some movies I watched, like, probably back in May or something!

Green For Danger

Year: 1946
Director: Sidney Gilliat
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service – ScreenPix
Spoilers: Not really, no
Grade: Chocolate

Before I cancelled my free trial ScreenPix subscription—because dudes, I have way too many channels as it is—I wanted to check out this 1946 British whodunit. I’m glad I did, too, because it’s an awful lot of fun. Green For Danger is apparently based on a novel of the same name by Christianna Brand, and it’s set at an English hospital during World War II. A patient mysteriously dies on the operating table, and when the person who claims it was murder is also very quickly murdered, Inspector Cockrill is sent to investigate.

The basic setup is a lot of fun because we’re told a few things right from the start: there are six people at the scene of the first murder, two of those six will die, and one of those six is the killer. And I mean. You’ve already got me right there because I just adore this kind of shit, trying to guess which of our suspects will die, who is the killer, etc. I really enjoy the hospital setting, and the script is an awful lot of fun, too, particularly if you, like me, also love that dry and snappy British humor. The banter back and forth between Inspector Cockrill and Mr. Eden, for instance, or Mr. Eden and Nurse Woods is just fantastic.

The solution to the mystery is fine—not awful, not great, just sort of there. There are fun suspects to choose from and shadiness which abounds, but probably not any twists or developments that are gonna break your brain with OMG. That being said, there is at least one surprise at the very end that I rarely see pop up in detective stories. Also, the cast is spectacular, particularly Leo Genn as Mr. Eden (wait, surgeons are referred to as Mr. and not Dr. in England? That’s so weird) and Alastair Sim as Inspector Cockrill. Some great detectives are known for their fastidiousness, others for their aloof nature; Cockrill’s defining quality appears to be that he’s an impish little shit who loves riling his suspects up and watching the drama unfold. At one point, he all but eats popcorn as he watches two doctors come to blows, and it’s hysterical. In fact, I happily would’ve watched a whole series with this guy, and I’m a little disappointed that this is the only adaptation we got. Still, even on its own, Green For Danger was an awfully good time.

Free Guy

Im Up Good Morning GIF by Regal - Find & Share on GIPHY

Year: 2021
Director: Shawn Levy
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service – Disney Plus
Spoilers: Some, yes
Grade: Chocolate

I didn’t know much about this film going in, other than that Ryan Reynolds plays a video game NPC who becomes self-aware, but I’m really glad my sister convinced me to check it out. Free Guy is an awful lot of fun. It’s very Stranger Than Fiction meets The Lego Movie (not a bad combination), with a pretty delightful and charming cast who really pull the whole thing together. Ryan Reynolds is kinda tailor-made for Guy, of course, excelling in both quick-witted, breaking the fourth wall humor and being able to surprise you with sudden Feels. But I also really enjoy Jodie Comer, Taika Waititi, Lil Rel Howery, and Joe Keery. (NGL: Joe Keery  is at least 70% of the reason I watched the fourth season of Stranger Things; that, and I really thought it was the final season of Stranger Things. Goddamn it, show.)

Honestly, I’m not sure how much I have to say about this one. I know there were a bunch of moments that made me laugh, but fuck, I don’t remember them now. (Actually, I do remember one: “They don’t have thumbs, Phyllis. No thumbs!”) I really like that our designers acknowledge that they’ve created the first A.I. because I thought that was a neat development. I like that Guy doesn’t just wake up and become self aware because he sees, you know, some random attractive girl; it’s because Keys coded his love story into the game. I’m happy that a certain character survives.  I enjoyed the surprise cameos. (Though Alex Trebek was a bit sad. Threw me for a minute, too, since he passed back in 2020.) I honestly don’t have too much to complain about here.

Although I am mad about one thing: Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy.” It is played a LOT during this movie, which is a serious problem. Not for other people, mind, but definitely for me because that song always gets stuck in my head, Jesus Christ. It’s playing in my head now just because I typed the song title. (See also Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You.” FFS, Mariah. Release my brain, I beg of you.)

The Lost City

Channing Tatum GIF by The Lost City - Find & Share on GIPHY

Year: 2022
Director: Aaron Nee & Adam Nee
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Paramount Plus
Spoilers: Nah
Grade: Vanilla

This is pretty cute, for the most part, although the romance between Sandra Bullock and Channing Tatum doesn’t totally work for me. I want to be into it. They’re both very funny actors, and I’m 100% here for a grumpy/sweet romance with an older lady/younger dude. I genuinely like, too, that Alan is just totally into Loretta right from the start. He’s earnest and enthusiastic and not terribly bright; basically, Alan is the textbook definition of a himbo, and I think that’s neat. The thing is, Loretta is in a depressed funk at the beginning of this film. She’s still mourning her late husband and is extremely bitter about how her life has turned out, all of which is super valid. Actually, I quite like her whole arc. My problem is that Loretta takes her bitterness out on Alan a lot in this story,  and since Alan is basically a golden retriever personified, their supposedly cute banter mostly comes across as Loretta kicking a puppy  for half the movie. It does improve for me in the second half of the film (when Alan gets a bit more backbone, not to mention slightly cleverer and quippier dialogue), but by then, the damage is kinda done, at least for me.

Still, The Lost City is a pretty fun story with some solid LOL moments. I am, per usual, entirely charmed by Daniel Radcliffe. (Actually, the whole press tour has been pretty charming. I’ve watched way too many interviews with Radcliffe and Sandra Bullock riffing off one another.) Comedic villain is a good fit on him; I should really rewatch Now You See Me 2 at some point because I seem to remember both roles having a very similar energy. I also enjoyed Brad Pitt’s small role in this film, and Da’Vine Joy Randolph made me laugh a lot, too, although I’m still not entirely sure if Beth is Loretta’s. . .  editor? Publicist? Agent? Beth totally deserved her own B- romance storyline, I think. At the very least, she deserves so many drinks after going above and beyond to rescue Loretta. (I think she does get one, but still. ALL THE DRINKS.)

Someone oughta write another “romance novelist adventure romcom” so we can have a spiritual trilogy with this and Romancing the Stone. (I’m trying to think of who I want to cast. Ooh, maybe Ashley Nicole Black could write and star. She’s hilarious.) Also, I know I haven’t hit the novelist stage of my writing career yet, but something tells me that when I get there, this movie will not be an accurate representation of how it works. Alas. No sequins for Carlie.

“Kill Her, Mommy! Kill Her!” – Friday the 13th (1980)

Recently, I went to New York for the very first time. I had an awful lot of fun, and in between the more expected tourist attractions (Central Park, various museums, going to a live TV show taping—we got to see Last Week Tonight!!!), Mekaela and I watched the original Friday the 13th on this rooftop terrace in Midtown. This was the first movie I’ve seen on a big screen in actual years, and I had a very yummy (and very overpriced) margarita in hand, so obviously, I had a pretty good time. Considering we’ve been slowly making our way through this franchise for like a decade now, finding this showing felt pretty serendipitous, especially since the next film on our To Watch list was the original Friday the 13th.

This being something of a special occasion, I decided to write up a slightly longer review for the movie that started it all.

Warning GIF by Friday the 13th - Find & Share on GIPHY

Year: 1980
Director: Sean S. Cunningham
First Watch or Rewatch: Rewatch
Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, or Other: Other – Rooftop Cinema Club!
Spoilers: Absolutely
Grade: Vanilla

1. It’s been a  pretty long time since I watched Friday the 13th all the way through, and though it’s obviously not as campy and self-referential as later installments in the franchise, there’s actually a bit more humor than I’d remembered, which was a nice surprise. Overall, I was delighted to find that the movie holds up better than I expected. Friday the 13th knows exactly what it’s about. Some of the death scenes are quite fun. (Kevin Bacon’s, in particular, still absolutely gets me.) I adore the score, the silly title card, the ki ki ki, ma ma ma. And Betsy Palmer as Pamela Voorhees is both fun and charmingly over-the-top. Did you know I dressed up as Mrs. Voorhees for Halloween last year? Now you do! (Obviously, I had to wear my Friday the 13th mask to match.)

Friday the 13th is not, admittedly, a particularly innovative slasher—no one involved has been particularly shy about how much it deliberately rips off other movies, notably Halloween, Carrie, and Psycho—but it is an iconic horror film that hugely influenced the slasher genre, and I still very much enjoyed watching it. Particularly since the weather decided to lend a helping hand and provide something of a 4D cinematic experience.

2. If you’ve seen this movie, you may remember that most of the camp counselors are murdered during a big rainstorm. Well. About the time it started raining on screen, it also started raining in New York—just some light sprinkling, really, with a bit of wind, but the timing of it was hilarious. I’d actually spent half the day convinced the showing was gonna be cancelled, considering the weather forecast for that night, and when thunder rumbled in my headphones, I had to doublecheck to make sure it wasn’t also happening in real life, too. Honestly, it was kinda the best.

3. Unfortunately, much as I enjoy Friday the 13th, I still find Alice (Adrienne King) a boring and mostly useless Final Girl, which is a funny sorta thing to say about someone who full-on decapitates a serial killer, I know. And like, credit where credit’s due: when Alice finally commits, she commits. Still. Up until that moment, Alice is pretty meh, and—though I hate to say it—the fact that she bests Pamela Voorhees so many times is a little bit embarrassing for Mrs. V.

Betsy Palmer Mrs Voorhees GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Like. I say this with love. I am always here to celebrate the awesome ladies of horror, and for the most part, Mrs. Voorhees does a phenomenal job murdering people. Her kill count in this film is 9, which is very respectable, particularly for a middle-aged woman in a cable knit sweater. She uses knives, axes, and arrows in her work, hauls corpses through windows, and even takes the time to impale dead bodies to doors for maximum terror. And until Alice, Mrs. V has no trouble murdering anyone; only Annie provides even the smallest challenge, and really, that’s just an extra minute Mrs. Voorhees spends casually strolling through the woods before finding Annie and slitting her throat.

Alas, for unknown reasons (i.e., the Final Girl has to live, boo, hiss), Mrs. Voorhees decides that Alice is the one counselor she’s going to fuck with, rather than immediately murdering. I mean. Some of that is amazing, obviously. Calmly introducing herself, then later hamming it up, all “what monster could’ve done this,” HA. I’m all about that. But then Mrs. V just slaps Alice around a bunch rather than stab her in the face, and obviously, that’s just silly. Worse, Alice easily manages to knock Mrs. Voorhees down like, what, four different times or something before finally decapitating her? Our killer deserved a better Final Girl, that’s all I’m saying.

4. Here’s a hypothetical scenario for you: you’re half-naked in some cabin in the middle of the woods. Maybe you’ve been playing strip Monopoly with your friends, or maybe you just had sex with Kevin Bacon; whatever your reasons, you’re now in a bra (or shirt) and panties, and have to leave the cabin in the middle of a rainstorm. Before leaving, do you put on A) shoes, B) pants, or C) a short little rain slicker that maybe hits mid-thigh? If you answered D) gosh, I think I’d put on all of them, congratulations on being a reasonable person, unlike Marcie and Brenda, who both opt for the rain slicker and nothing else, like, what the actual fuck, ladies? It is pouring. There is thunder. You are in the middle of the woods. Maybe I could understand forgoing the pants (not really), but what do these bitches have against shoes?

5. Speaking of strip Monopoly (sort of), one of the first things we watched after coming back home was Psych, specifically, “Tuesday the 17th,” the Friday the 13th homage episode.

It’s probably my favorite episode of Psych, but I’d forgotten just how many parallels there are between it and this movie: Erwen, like Crazy Ralph, shouting the line, “You’re all doomed!” The introduction of Shirtless Billy chopping up wood vs. the introduction of Shirtless Steve chopping up wood. The breaking glass title card, naturally. The character Jason Cunningham named after Jason Voorhees and director Sean S. Cunningham. And of course our counselors playing a friendly game of strip cribbage. (I’ve never played cribbage, but strip Monopoly, at least, has to be an improvement on regular Monopoly, if only because it won’t take fucking DAYS for someone to finally win the game.)

6. Finally, you can’t talk about Friday the 13th without discussing the ending.

Friday The 13Th Horror GIF by filmeditor - Find & Share on GIPHY

. . . I mean, truthfully, I think it’s silly as hell. I like the shot and all, but I’m also rarely a fan of the One Last Scare trope, and while Sue having a nightmare works well in Carrie—because it’s less about the villain still being alive/setting up a sequel than it is about Sue still being traumatized, still being caught in that endless horror—Alice’s nightmare of an undead boy she never met and has no reason to actually believe in feels, well. Yeah. Damn silly.  (Unless Alice secretly always has psychic visions when she sleeps, which certainly seems unlikely, but would definitely make her more interesting.) That whole “he’s still out there” line would work so much better if this movie had ever bothered to make Undead Child Jason an actual possible threat.

Still. As much as I love our Jason Voorhees—and I do so love him—I would totally pay good money to watch a reboot/sequel where Undead Drowned Child Jason (rather than Inexplicable Grown Ass Man Jason*) comes back to creatively murder camp counselors. It would never happen of course, partially because the franchise seems to be stuck in eternal lockdown due to lawsuits/rights shit and partially because most fans would absolutely lose their shit, but I think it could be a lot of fun. It would, at the very least, make for one hell of an anime AU.

*Don’t give me that whole “Jason survived and has just been living in the woods for 20 years by himself for no reason” BS backstory; that is the dumbest shit ever. Look, one of my favorite things about this franchise is the weirdly slow evolution of its iconic killer—I think it’s fascinating, I think there’s a paper in it—but come on now. We must all simply accept that Jason’s transformation into adulthood makes absolutely NO logical sense, and no amount of retconning will make it any less ridiculous. Considering this franchise eventually (and gloriously) goes to space, I think we can all handle that.

CONCLUSIONS:

The genesis of one of my favorite horror movie franchises of all time! Pamela Voorhees deserves better, but I still enjoy this one.

MVP:

Betsy Palmer, no doubt.

MORAL:

Don’t work anywhere that the locals call ‘Camp Blood.’ Very obviously, things will go badly for you.

TV Superlatives: March, April, May – 2022

Well. I’ve definitely been ignoring my blog lately. This is partly because of travel and partly because of writing, more specifically, because I started work on this fanfic that, Jesus Christ, has exploded into a novella-length monstrosity and has taken over my entire life. Which means I’m well past due for my Spring TV Superlatives, among other things. Unfortunately, I’m still trying to catch up on a bunch of shit and also, really didn’t watch as much TV as normal, so today we’ll be doing Modified TV Superlatives. (Don’t worry. I’ll still manage to make this post at least 1000 words longer than it needs to be.)

Here’s a list of everything I’ve been watching (and in some cases, abandoning) over the past three months.

The Guest
Running Man (Episodes 50-62 and 594-605)
Last Week Tonight (Season 9, Episodes 3-13)
Our Flag Means Death
The Crowned Clown
Tomorrow (abandoned, may return to)
Vincenzo (abandoned, may return to)
Moon Knight (abandoned for good)
A Black Lady Sketch Show (Season 3)
Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (abandoned, will return to)
Star Trek TOS (Season 3, Episodes 4-12)
Nobody Knows
Don’t Call It Mystery

Today, we’ll briefly discuss most of these shows. (Not all. I’ll probably ignore the ones I gave up on.) You’ll be safe on spoilers unless you venture into the clearly marked Spoiler Section, where you will definitely see me rant about certain character deaths because gah. STILL so annoyed about it.

But that’s for later. For now, let’s begin with . . .

The Guest

Creepiest Moment; Most Horrifically Tragic Character; Longest Previously On; Grand Prize for Survival (TIE); Worst Plan (TIE)

A priest, a cop, and a psychic taxi driver walk into a ghost-infested bar . . .

I’d been meaning to check out this Korean supernatural horror-drama for a while now, and overall, I had a pretty good time watching it. (I wish I could find a decent trailer to link to, but it’s proving difficult. This FMV captures the tone and visuals pretty well, though, and I don’t think there are any big spoilers?) I do wish Kang Gil Young (Jung Eun Chae, AKA, the cop) got a little more to do in the Big Finale. And I probably wouldn’t recommend this one if you’re looking for something, you know, upbeat and lighthearted? Like, The Guest is all exorcisms and ghostly possessions and childhood trauma. (A few of my favorite things!) Not to mention, seriously, Most Horrifically Tragic Character can definitely apply to more than one person. I do think one character wins the tragedy competition, but it is, admittedly, debatable.

Still, if you’re in the mood for something a little creepy and a lot angsty with a bit of mystery and some fun side characters (Detective Go Bong Song is precious to me), you might enjoy this one.

(Also. I am not kidding about those Longest Previously Ons. Holy shit. I just clicked on a random episode to time this segment, and it was literally two minutes long.)

Our Flag Means Death

Favorite Canon Ship; Favorite Kiss; Favorite Individual Song (TIE); Favorite New Show (TIE)

Now if you do need something a little lighter and adorable, and you’re also a fan of queer pirates and shenanigans (and who isn’t), Our Flag Means Death might be more your thing. I generally enjoyed the first few episodes well enough (generally, because awkward comedy can be rough for me), but I was definitely sold in “Discomfort in a Married State” when Blackbeard and Stede meet for the first time. Taika Waititi is awesome in this, I adore his cute chemistry with Rhys Darby, and I am just so here for the actually canon Blackbeard/Stede ship. These two have so many cute moments—the wardrobe swap, the foot touch (spoilers in this clip, but also, God bless any movie or show that uses Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain”), THE KISS. This show has a pretty great support cast, too; I’m particularly fond of Jim, Oluwande, and Lucius.

Thank God HBO Max finally renewed OFMD for Season 2, cause otherwise, there was gonna be a riot. (Seriously, dudes. No need to wait for Pride next time. Don’t torment us like this; it’s cruel.)

Running Man

 Best Dance Scene; Favorite Betrayal; Best Product Placement; Favorite Scene Stealer

Just assume that I’m always watching this show. We literally have it on twice a week: Thursday is Classic Running Man Day and Sunday is Current Running Man Day. It is my silly time, and I need it, damn it.

Things this show is pretty much always good for: hilariously blatant product placement (in one episode, even the producer starts laughing and tells Jae Suk and Jong Kook to stop overdoing it), silly dances (So Min and Ji Hyo’s birthday dances for Jong Kook are fun, but Sexy Security Guard obviously wins ALL the awards—he needs to come back immediately), and betrayals (the face Jong Kook makes in one episode when Jae Suk betrays him, holy shit, I was dying). Ah, this show makes me so happy.

The Crowned Clown

Happy Korean Drama GIF by Eccho Rights - Find & Share on GIPHY

Favorite Sidekick; Favorite REVEEEEENGE; Favorite Holy Shit Moment; Most Unexpected Tears; Best Death; Worst Death; Favorite New Show (TIE); Favorite Individual Song (TIE); Worst Plan (TIE)

Oh, man. This show. This show. With a few notable exceptions, I’m not generally drawn to doppelgänger and identity swap stories, but I got super invested in this one: the characters, their relationships, the badass moments, the plot twists, the absolutely lovely score (my favorite song might be “The Way of Truth,” but it’s a very hard call, like, “Before Fall Down” is pretty amazing too, not to mention, uh, every other song). And the fantastic acting, my God, especially by Yeo Jin Goo and Kim Sang Kyung. NGL: I mostly checked this show out to see Yeo Jin Goo play batshit crazy—and whew, he does it well—but watching him flip back and forth between Yi Heon, Ha Seon, and Ha Seon pretending to be Yi Heon is especially a treat. And Kim Sang Kyung is wonderful here, too, particularly as we watch Lee Gyu’s dynamic with both Yi Heon and Ha Seon shift over time. There’s this one scene, especially, that just . . . oh, oh, my heart.

Really, though, this whole supporting cast is excellent. I enjoy Lee Se Young as So Woon (restrained, dignified, very different from her delightful role in A Korean Odyssey) and Jang Gwang as Eunuch Jo (I would die for this old man; his relationship with Ha Seon is so sweet). There are our villains: Jang Young Nam as the Dowager Queen (man, I love this actress, the notes she hits when she’s enraged) and Kwon Hae Hyo as Shin Chi Soo (this fucking guy, I swear to God). And I can’t forget about Yoon Jong Seok as Officer Jang, either (quiet badass, and cool to see in a more substantial role after a small part in The Guest). Truly, there is so much good about this show, so much to recommend . . .

. . . but by God, I hate the last 15 minutes so much . . .

List Use GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Meet me in the Spoiler Section, The Crowned Clown, because boy . . .  we’ve gotta talk.

A Black Lady Sketch Show

Most Welcome Return; Favorite Opening Credits

Man, I wish this show had longer seasons. Six episodes is not enough! I was super happy to see A Black Lady Sketch Show come back, mostly because this show is a delight, but also because I’m always excited to hear the new theme song and see the new opening credits. (They change every season.) These opening credits, in particular, are great because they vary a little bit with each episode. Like how Skye Townsend is playing “the rich jilted bride” in Episode 1, but by Episode 6 has become “the rich jilted bride who just committed murder but has no regrets because she killed for righteous reasons including exposing her now dead fiancé as the man who accidentally ran over Robin’s leg at her inaugural parade in the Maldives.” I mean, that’s perfection. No notes.

Moon Knight

Moon Knight Disney GIF by Marvel Studios - Find & Share on GIPHY

Most Unintentionally Hilarious Moment

. . . so, despite the fact that this show is only six episodes total, we gave up on it just two episodes in. Much as I like Oscar Isaac, Moon Knight just didn’t do much for me at all. I’m only bringing it up now because holy shit, that time when Ethan Hawke speaks “Mandarin,” like . . . let me tell you, I 100% do not speak Mandarin, watching a couple of C-dramas does not make me an expert on literally anything related to Mandarin, and even I was like, ” . . . are you shitting me?” If you’d given me three guesses on what language Ethan Hawke was speaking in that clip, Mandarin would not have been any of them. FFS, Marvel. Hire some people for this shit, Jesus.

Star Trek: The Original Series

Star Trek Slapping GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Best WTF Moment, Worst WTF Moment, Most Historically Relevant Moment, Character Who Most Deserves a Better Show; Worst Plan (TIE)

I know I’ve taken a hiatus—again—but I really am going to finish watching TOS sometime this year. In the meantime, “Plato’s Stepchildren” is extremely notable, not only for broadcasting the very first interracial kiss between a Black/white couple, but also for containing the Best and Worst WTF Moments, all in one episode. (The best, obviously, is the GIF above—good for every occasion—while the worst is when Michael Dunn rides on Kirk’s back like he’s a pony. Seriously. WTAF.)

Meanwhile, I just so desperately wish the supporting cast in TOS got, like, subplots and actual shit to do. I know this was the 1960’s, and it was legitimately a big deal to even have, like, a Black woman or a Japanese character onboard. I’m not arguing that, just, I want so much more from Uhura and Sulu. I want more of everyone, really, that isn’t in our Holy OT3, but Uhura and Sulu especially. You two deserve more than this!

Nobody Knows

Favorite Bromance; Most Improved Character; Favorite Like-a-Parent & Child Dynamic; Favorite Kicked Puppy Face; Favorite Plot Twist; Grand Prize for Survival (TIE); Favorite Individual Song (TIE)

I randomly stumbled across this show while browsing Pinterest, of all things, and decided to check it out, partially because I’m a sucker for a good mystery, and partially because of the support cast: I’d just enjoyed watching Jang Young Nam and Kwon Hae Hyo in The Crowned Clown, and had also recently seen Ahn Ji Ho and Yoon Chan Young in All Of Us Are Dead.

I do think the first half of this show is stronger than the second (where I feel like the mystery gives way to a slightly weaker cat and mouse thriller), but I still really enjoyed watching this one. There are some clever plot twists, a fantastic score (unfortunately, most of my favorite instrumentals—including “Grandfather Clock” and “The Long Sleep”—aren’t available on Youtube, but “The Secret Not Revealed” definitely got stuck in my head a lot),  and excellent acting all around. I really like Kim Seo Hyung as Cha Young Jin, our kickass female lead detective; she’s no-nonsense, clever, and goddamn, that woman gets me whenever she cries. I really like her relationship with Eun Ho. Actually, I really like all the kids quite a bit. Naturally, I enjoyed all the cast I was already familiar with—it was almost funny, how bad I felt for Kwon Hae Hyo after hating his character so much in The Crowned Clown. I also really liked Ryu Deok Hwan as Lee Sun Woo and Park Hoon as Baek Sang Ho. Sun Woo is such a delightful scamp, but also constantly looks like he’s on the verge of tears, like, you just want someone to hug this guy. Meanwhile, Sang Ho is, well,  one crazy motherfucker. (I actually have seen Park Hoon before in Descendants of the Sun, but I remember so little about that show; it only exists in my brain as a vague montage of Song Joong Ki, tears, and an improbable number of emergencies.)

Don’t Call It Mystery

Favorite Non-Canon Ship; Favorite Hair; Worst Hair; Worst Plan (TIE)

This quirky Japanese detective show was Mek’s pick, and for the most part, I had a lot of fun watching it. I like Totono as our lead Sherlock. He’s a college student with just the most amazing hair, a serious appreciation for food, and a deep reluctance to solve mysteries for the police department, even though they keep coming to him and interrupting his dinner. Poor Totono. He so rarely gets to eat his curry.

Don’t Call It Mystery has a pretty lighthearted tone, overall, but there are some surprisingly serious and affecting moments, and I definitely found myself invested in the (presumably non-canon) ship of Totono/Garo. (Although my God, Garo needs to fix his hair, STAT.) I’d be happy to be wrong, BTW, about the non-canon thing. It is possible; I’ve never read the manga. Mostly, I’m just hoping we aren’t actually going forward with a Totono/Furomitsu ship. In fact, if we could just kill off this one-sided thing Furomitsu seems to have for Totono, that would be great, too. In general, I would like Furomitsu to get an upgrade in Season 2 (assuming there is one), because even her subplot in the bonus episode doesn’t quite work as well as I’d like. (She gets a friend, who is fantastic; I 100% approve of New Lady Cop and their dynamic in general. But Furomitsu’s plans leave something to be desired, and the Lesson she supposedly learns, well. Without spoilers, let’s just say that I remain unconvinced that she actually demonstrated learning anything, no matter what the other characters insist.)

Finally, before spoilers . . .

Legends of Tomorrow

Most Painful Cancellation

You may have noticed that Legends of Tomorrow wasn’t on my Shows I’ve Been Recently Watching list, and that’s because I fell behind on Season 7 and haven’t yet caught up. I’ll admit, I wasn’t feeling the beginning of this season quite as much as seasons previous, and thus it fell by the wayside when I got busy. Still, I was absolutely planning to catch up because Legends is charming and ridiculous and laugh-out-loud funny, and unlike pretty much every other CW superhero show I dropped, I really wanted to see this one through.

Only then in May I found out that the show had been cancelled, which sucks for all sorts of reasons but especially because I’m pretty sure it ends on some kind of (now forever unresolved) cliffhanger, and I’m trying to decide if I even want to bother finishing it, if we’re only gonna end on some terrible, unhappy note. CW, you absolute bastards. I saw that awful, AWFUL Gotham Knights trailer. You’re cancelling my beloved Legends for shit like THAT? Unacceptable.

And now, let us continue into the . . .

SPOILER SECTION

SPOILER SECTION

SPOILER SECTION

SPOILER SECTION

I wanna wrap this up, so I’m only gonna talk about a couple of the shows that I mentioned before. First, let’s discuss . . .

Nobody Knows

Favorite Plot Twist; Grand Prize for Survival; Favorite Bromance; Most Improved Character

So, Eun Ho is a fifteen-year-old kid who ends up in a coma after mysteriously falling from the roof of a ten-story hotel. Of course, that’s far too high a fall for anyone to reasonably survive in real life, but Plot Contrivance is a powerful god, Eun Ho was definitely on the roof at some point, and salvation is a Big Damn Theme in this show, so sure, it was possible that Eun Ho had actually fallen from the roof . . . and yet, I wondered. Was Sun Woo’s disbelief that Eun Ho survived not just honest shock but also foreshadow? Was Sang Ho pushing that “miracle” narrative a touch too hard? Eun Ho falls, certainly, but was it possible that he actually fell from somewhere else?

It turns out, yes on all counts! Eun Ho, being chased by Sang Ho’s people, finds himself trapped on the roof and uses the emergency ladder to try and escape—but he only gets roughly halfway down before one of the bad guys gets hold of the rope and starts hauling him back up. Desperate, knowing that being captured will mean certain death, Eun Ho does the only thing he can think of—he jumps, trying to escape. Which means his survival is still pretty miraculous, considering that fall,  but not quite so damn impossible. It’s really a clever and nicely executed twist.

Also, I just need to mention that I became so damn invested in the unlikely friendship between Eun Ho and Dong Myung, Dong Myung and Min Sung, and just all three of these kids together. I adore sullen but sweet Dong Myung, sweet but frustrated Eun Ho, and, er, sweet-post-redemption Min Sung. This kid definitely improves over time. Another character who improves over time is the one total jerk cop on the team who apparently just . . . realizes he’s being a total jerk? And then, like, stops? It’s kind of neat, actually; I really ended up enjoying the dynamic of Young Jin’s team, especially once she starts actually being honest with them.

The Crowned Clown

Most Unexpected Tears, Best Death, Worst Death; Worst Plan

Before I get into extended ranting, let’s discuss the excellent death scene in this show. Actually, there are multiple good death scenes here—Lee Gyu is another very strong contender, sob—but nothing surprised me as much or hit quite as hard as Yi Heon. It’s a surprise partially because Yi Heon is a Big Deal Character, one of the two roles being expertly played by Yeo Jin Goo, a primary villain and a king gone mad. Upon starting this show, I certainly didn’t expect him to only make it halfway through before getting murdered—a surprise, but absolutely the right call.

But it’s not just the timing that’s a surprise. I was genuinely shocked by how heartbreaking this scene was. If you haven’t watched The Crowned Clown, let me tell you: Yi Heon is the actual Worst. I’m not saying he doesn’t have some cause, like, the kid has definitely had it rough: his dad never loved him, people tried to assassinate him, and advisors he should’ve been able to trust deliberately hooked him on opium and slowly drove him crazy. OTOH, dude becomes so monstrously paranoid that he orders the murder of his own adorable baby brother, like, seriously, this kid can’t be more than, IDK, 8? Yi Heon abuses his servants, orders his wife’s execution, and sometimes violently loses his shit and kills people. (Admittedly, not great people. Still, this man should not have access to a sword.) Trust me, we were rooting for Yi Heon to die during this show.

And yet when it actually happened . . . I mean, I wept. This scene is so heavy that Mek and I actually took a small break from the show. Yi Heon is so achingly vulnerable, so childlike, in this episode. The drugs have ravaged his body and mind to the point that he can barely hold a sword or feed himself; at one point, he barely seems to understand where he is. And then he’s betrayed ( justifiably so) by the only person that he trusts: Lee Gyu, his one loyal advisor since childhood, the man Yi Heon wishes was his own father. (You know, just to really dig that knife in.) The acting between Yeo Jin Goo and Kim Sang Kyung in this episode, just, gah. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s so GOOD.

Less great, unfortunately, is the death of Officer Jang and, generally, the whole ending of The Crowned Clown.

Okay, so. Here’s how this goes: in the last, say, 15 minutes of the show (give or take, I didn’t go back and count), when we seem to be at our relatively happy ending, Ha Seon has decided to abdicate the crown and go off to live in the countryside. For God knows what reason, he leaves the palace by himself, only Officer Jang knows that’s dumb, so he secretly sneaks out to protect him. Of course, Ha Seon is immediately set upon by a handful of enemies who stab him, and Officer Jang dies trying to protect his dumb ass. (It’s supposed to be worthwhile because we flashback to the moment when Officer Jang says that he wants to serve Ha Seon and die a glorious death while defending him, which, like. Technically? But writers, this is not a glorious death, especially considering he dies presumably thinking that he failed.) We then fast forward two years later and reunite Ha Seon (who survived, possibly—we’ll get there) and So Woon, who’s been waiting for him all this time. And . . . that’s it. That’s where the show ends.

And I’m like, okay, NO. Folks. Lovelies. I know I’ve ranted about many character deaths on this blog, but I haven’t been this unhappy about a lousy death scene in a long, long time. This is such a bullshit way to kill off an important supporting player. Unlike the other heartbreaking deaths on this show, Officer Jang goes out in such a shitty throwaway moment. The whole scene takes maybe less than a minute and feels incredibly tacked on for one last moment of cheap and unnecessary drama. The only consequence of this last minute attack is that it takes Ha Seon and So Woon a little longer to reunite. That’s it. That’s the whole reason Officer Jang gets killed. It’s so infuriating, especially because A) Ha Seon’s decision to leave alone is just unthinkably stupid, and B) the people who kill Officer Jang aren’t even cool villains! They’re just some nameless henchmen of the dead Queen Dowager, and FFS, there aren’t even that many of them! Officer Jang has definitely survived worse odds before, but now he bites it fifteen minutes before the credits roll? Nope. Fuck that. Don’t buy it at all.

It’s also worth pointing out that The Crowned Clown has a somewhat ambiguous ending because it’s been interpreted in one of two ways: either Ha Seon and So Woon reunite after Ha Seon nearly dies, OR Ha Seon also dies with Officer Jang, and his reunion with So Woon is actually in the afterlife. In which case . . . holy shit, that is not better. Not only is it a horrifically tragic and unnecessary twist to pull during the last few moments of a show, it also means that Officer Jang died for nothing. Seriously, NO.

I don’t regret watching The Crowned Clown, like, it legitimately became one of my favorite K-dramas, and I would still recommend it to people (with, admittedly, a pretty big caveat), but the way it ended . . . holy shit. Like, this honestly goes on my Worst TV Endings Of All Time list. Probably not as high on that list as other shows, say, Game of Thrones or Battlestar Galactica, but . . . yeah. It’s definitely on there.

Well, guess that’s it for now. Feel free to agree with me or argue with me or talk about the shows you’ve been watching in the comments, and I’ll be back with more superlatives in two or three months!