The 2010 Annual Bloody Hearts Fest: Jason X

Oh, Jason X. This is exactly what Bloody Hearts is all about. It’s the kind of movie someone tells you about, and you say, “Bullshit. No one would actually write a movie based on that stupid of a pitch.”

But they went there. They did, and Mekaela and I went every ridiculous step into the future with them after the rest of the friends went home for the evening.

Here’s how Jason was transported through time: After several very failed executions, Jason is to be cryogenically frozen and locked away where he can never hurt anyone again. But instead, he and Rowan, our handy gorgeous Jason Vorhees expert, are both frozen and only found 450 or so years later by a ship carrying some archaeology students, some marines, one robot, and the slimiest archaeology professor ever. Indiana Jones, this guy is not. Thanks to some helpful technological advances, they are able to thaw out Miss Rowan. Unfortunately, Jason comes to life too and starts with his wacky killing spree again. Yay, death!

Here’s the thing you gotta know about Jason X. It’s a total crap movie. It also knows that it’s a total crap movie, so if you’re making the extreme mistake of taking it seriously, well, that’s just sad, cause they filmmakers certainly didn’t.

Here are some examples—there are plenty to pick from—to show you just how NOT serious this movie is:

Dude gets stabbed through the chest by Jason.
Dude: “It’s gonna take more than a poke in the ribs to put down this old dog.”
Dude gets stabbed again.
Dude: “Yeah, that oughta do it.”

Trying to distract Jason, a VR diversion of two young girls in sleeping bags:
Girl Number One: “Hey, do you want a beer?”
Girl Number Two: “Or do you wanna smoke some pot?”
Girl Number One: “Or we can have premarital sex?”
Both (while removing shirts): “We love premarital sex!”

And then, of course, there’s the whole attempt to transfer Rowan into Ripley (it laughably fails) and the robot’s transformation and the medical ants and the whole ending . . .

Yeah. It’s a special movie.

I’m not gonna argue that this is anything but a C movie. On the other hand, I’ve seen parts of Jason Goes to Hell and, WOW. Not only was that ridiculous, it was mind-numbingly boring. This had a decent sense of humor and, also, that guy from 300 who gets kicked into a pit. I don’t ask for a lot from my bad horror. I just want something that isn’t going to put me to sleep (ie, Dead BirdsRest Stop) and something that will make me laugh. . . and Jason, who manages to slice off a dude’s arm simply by FALLING OVER . . . well, he succeeds in this particular incarnation. All hail the random space setting for horror movies. I have got to make myself watch Leprechaun 4.

By the way, the best part of Jason X, for those curious? The special features. Seriously, check that shit out. You can pick a death scene you want to revisit, watch all the death scenes, or watch a death scene at random. I think that may be my favorite special feature since the family friendly version of Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever.

Moral of the story: Greed is bad. You might think the frozen corpse of a 20th century serial killer will earn you some serious moolah, but when you learn that this dude is pretty much immortal, maybe you should eject the fucker into space before he can run his machete through you. Just a thought.

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