. . . except when I feel like laughing my ass off. Or when I feel like tearing my hair out in chunks. Sometimes, I try to have both reactions simultaneously. If you leave your windows open while you do this, you’ll find that people trying to sell you Girl Scout cookies or God are far less likely to approach your door. This, of course, is a shame: I love my Tagalongs.
Now, to the list:
Top Ten Best Edited For TV Moments, Ever
10.) Lethal Weapon— “I’m miffed, Roger.”
I’ve never been shot through a store window before, but bulletproof vest or not, I’m guessing my reaction to this incredible pain would not be, “I’m miffed, Roger. Now I’m miffed!” How many men do you know who are terribly MIFFED about anything, anyway? I figure if anyone’s ever had cause to be pissed off about something, it’s the guy who’s just been shot through a big ass pane of glass. By Gary Busey, no less.
9.) G.I. Jane— “Kiss my stick.”
The best “screw you, buddy” moment of 1997: after being beaten to Hell in a faux prison camp scenario, Demi Moore stands up to Evil Viggo Mortensen (oh, before the days of LOTR) and says, “Suck my dick,” proving that she’s one of the guys and, also, awesome.
However, some of this rock-on, feminist, girl power is lost when the line is edited to “Kiss my stick.” Somehow, shockingly, it’s just not the same.
8.) Die Hard with a Vengeance: “I Hate Everybody”
I’m white, or at least visibly white, so not only do I not throw around the ‘n’ word (clearly, I’m uncomfortable even typing it); I don’t understand why some other white people feel that they’ve been, I don’t know, oppressed??? because black people get to say the ‘n’ word, but white people don’t. Like, really? That’s the double-standard you’re going to fight against? Our right to use racist epithets just like everyone else?
That being said . . . if John McClane goes to Harlem wearing nothing but boxers and a sandwich sign that reads: “I Hate Everybody” instead of “I Hate Niggers” . . . aren’t we kind of losing out on why McClane’s in such deep, deep shit? I mean, are we saying that young, black men in Harlem are so out of control that they’ll just murder some white dude in his undies for his public disapproval of humanity?
7.) The Faculty— “Fooey”
I’ve never seen The Faculty on television, and I couldn’t find a video online confirming this, but supposedly, every time anyone says, “Fuck” during the movie, the word is changed to the more kid-friendly, “Fooey.” Like, “Get the fooey out of here,” and “Fooey you” and “Give me a fooey-ing break.”
I don’t know if this is true or not, but if anyone has witnessed this or, better yet, can find this video online, please, for the LOVE OF GOD, send it my way. I would love to see this.
6.) Scarface— “Pineapple”
Here’s my first real blasphemy of the post: I have never seen Scarface. I know. I also don’t really want to see Scarface. For some reason, gangster and mafia movies tend to rank right under inspirational sports movies in the entirely separate list of Types of Films I Have Absolutely No Interest In.
Still. This was too funny not to include. Apparently, when some bad guy has Al Pacino tied up in a chair, he leans over, all menacing and asks, “Where’d you get that beauty scar, tough guy? Eating pussy?”
This is what ended up on television.
I’ll never be able to watch Psych the same way again.
5.) Die Hard With a Vengeance: “Racist Melonfarmer”
Yep, it’s this movie again. This time, the great Samuel L. Jackson is supposed to be saying, “Look, all brothers don’t know how to shoot guns, you racist motherfucker.” Instead, we get melonfarmer. Racist melonfarmer.
Dammit. I hate those racist melonfarmers. They get me every time.
4.) Snakes on a Plane— “Monkey Fighting Snakes . . .”
There are no words. Except . . . do you think the Monday to Friday plane is a plane that just stops running on the weekends, or does it take off on Monday and land on Friday? That’d be a flight. I hope they wouldn’t charge you with some BS two dollar fee for crappy peanuts or a bag of three pretzels.
Also: can I get one of those monkey-fighting snakes? Or maybe a snake-fighting monkey? That’d make an awesome pet.
3.) The Big Lebowski— “Alps”
Prepare for me to rock your mind with blasphemy–I haven’t seen this movie, either. I know. No, really. I know. Still, I’ve seen this scene before, and wow. Just, wow.
Yes, I’ve never seen this movie, but I’m pretty sure that finding strangers in the Alps and eating scrambled eggs don’t really have much to do with what’s happening on the screen.
2.) Die Hard 2: Die Harder: “Mr. Falcon”
Of course, all of the edits in Die Hard 2 are so preposterously bad, considering that half the time Bruce Willis opens his mouth, this strange, very non-Bruce voice comes out with words that have no relevance to anything going on, but this moment, I think, takes the cake:
Mr. Falcon, the secret villain behind it all.
1.) The Usual Suspects— “Fairy Godmother”
Hands down, this may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life:
I now want to rewatch Cinderella, and every time someone says, ‘fairy godmother,’ I will mentally change it to ‘fucking cocksucker’ and snicker like mad.
Bless you, censorship. You ruin so many things, and yet, I smile all the same.