The Random Movie (And TV Movie) Awards

All right, folks. Today’s survey is modeled loosely off of the Guys Choice Awards on Spike, except that instead of every other award being for Hottest Girl in a Horror Film or Hottest Girl with a Shotgun or Hottest Girl with One Arm, mine will have questions more like, “Best Tom Cruise Movie Where He’s (Not Literally) Haunted By His Dead Father.”

Please answer in the comments. Feel free to explain/argue/make diagrams as needed.

1. BEST USE OF A CHICKEN:


Killer Arrow (Hot Shots! Part Deux)

VS.

Sacrifical Bucket (Major League)

On one hand, Topper Harley uses the chicken in Hot Shots! Part Deux to kill a guy, which may be one of the most ridiculous/bad-ass things ever seen on screen. I mean, the chicken is shot into a dude’s chest where it then, wait for it, lays a freaking egg. Chicks dig guys who take out villains with killer arrow chickens.

On the other hand, when Pedro wants to sacrifice a whole chicken to ensure the team’s victory in the last game of the pennant (thus keeping everyone on the team in the majors instead of back in the minor league/penal system/retirement/etc.) Tom Berenger gets this awesome substitute: a bucket of KFC. Sure, the KFC doesn’t kill anyone, not in the short-term, anyway, but the Indians do win, and I’d say that’s pretty damn impressive.

2. BEST UGLY CRY:

Luke Skywalker

VS.

John Rambo

*********

I always thought that Mark Hamil as Luke Skywalker perfected the ugly cry. I mean, every time we watch Empire Strikes Back, Mek and I have to screw up our faces in the most grotesque manner possible and go, “That’s not true! That’s impossible!” I mean, Luke does not cry pretty. I kind of laugh at him whenever I watch this classic moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbOjS0Ah7_o

But I also recently watched First Blood, and Sylvester Stallone is a slurring, ugly mess in the middle of John Rambo’s breakdown. The emotion is there; you feel it, but good Lord, the man looks and talks like he’s having a stroke. Here’s that scene, although he doesn’t really start crying until about a minute in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzZqa70p7MQ

3. Best Stephen King Villain—Miniseries


Pennywise (It)

VS

Randall Flagg (The Stand)

Clearly, I’m a huge fan of Pennywise (and, really, Tim Curry in general) but I watched It too late in life to be traumatized by anything except the butchering of my favorite character, Richie. That being said, Tim Curry as Pennywise is one creepy motherfucker, and had I watched it as a child, I’m sure I would have acquired coulrophobia along with all the rest of the kids in my and my sister’s generation. Pennywise is the eater of worlds . . . and of children. In other words, not your friend.

But Jamey Sheridan as Randall Flagg is pretty awesome too. I mean, who doesn’t like a villain who wears a smiley face button on his jean jacket? Clearly, he’s going to be fun. And in his spare time, he gathers all the naughty people left in the world, crucifies anyone who he doesn’t much care for, and often turns into a crow and watches people ominously. Plus, he’s pretty much impossible to take out. I mean, you kind of had to nuke Vegas to do it.

4. Best Movie Where A Parent Dies And The Protagonist Learns The Meaning Of Life

Garden State

VS.

Elizabethtown

**********************

In Garden State, Zach Braff is a struggling actor in soulless LA, making a living by waiting tables in a Vietnamese restaurant. Also, he’s on lithium. Then, his mom dies, and he goes back to his childhood home for the first time in nine years. Thankfully after meeting up with a lot of old, crazy friends, listening to The Shins, and falling in love with the quirky, beautiful Natalie Portman, he’s able to discover that you can’t wait for life to start; it’s going to go on without you. Also: stop taking lithium.

Now, in Elizabethown: Orlando Bloom is this hotshot prodigy whose dream shoe idea has lost his soulless company a shitload of money. Considering that he’s about to be a very public, epic failure, he goes home to kill himself in the most inventive way known to man . . . but stops when he finds out that his father has died. Thankfully, after meeting up with his crazy, Southern family, listening to Jeff Buckley, and falling in love with the quirky, beautiful Kirsten Dunst, he’s able to discover that life is a series of successes and failures and that he shouldn’t kill himself via knife-wielding-exercise-bike, no matter how creative it is.

Have fun with that one.

5. Best Sex Scene That’s Just . . . Wrong . . . And Wrong on SO Many Levels

The Tree Gets Some Lovin’

VS.

The Head Gives Some Head

Well, hell . . . there’s just no way to sugarcoat this. Okay.

In The Evil Dead, an evil tree literally violates a woman with one of its branches. Yeah. It’s a tree that rapes women. You thought the Whomping Willow was bad. (Also, sorry: I couldn’t find a great picture. You just get a happy tree.)

And then, in Re-Animator, a decapitated zombie head performs oral sex on the bound, naked, and otherwise helpless heroine.

. . . let’s just move on, shall we?

6. Best Tom Cruise Movie Where He’s (Not Literally) Haunted By His Dead Father


Top Gun

VS.

A Few Good Men


In Top Gun, Maverick must overcome the ghost of his father’s mistakes . . . what if he chokes the way his dad supposedly choked? What if he gets a man killed while he’s up in the air? Oh, the angst! Oh, the rebellion! Oh, the Kenny Loggins!

In A Few Good Men, Tom Cruise’s dead father haunts him too, not in the sky but in the courtroom. Can Lt. Daniel Kaffee overcome the odds, Jack Nicholson, and his super daddy angst to save two men from being court-martialed and/or arrested for murder?

7. Best Squick Romance

Harold and Maude

VS.

Margot and Richie

(The Royal Tenenbaums)

Look, it’s a significant feat when a movie’s great script and/or acting allows the audience to root for a love story that, simultaneously, makes them feel mildly dirty and uncomfortable.

In Harold and Maude, that love story is between a young man and a very old woman. And don’t get me wrong; it’s a great movie, but a 79 year old woman and  a 20 year old guy? This isn’t just the normal double-standard. This is actually weirder than Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart.

But is age creepier than almost-incest? In The Royal Tenenbaums, Margot and Richie are raised as siblings . . . they aren’t actually related by blood, as Margot is adopted, and their story is surprisingly sweet, and you actually do want them to get together, but  . . . incest! Incest!

8. Best Jesus Inspired Death Pose

Prison Guard

VS.

Carrie’s Mom

Of course, we all know that Hannibal Lecter is one of the best film villains of all time, and the scene where he kills the two guards and then listens to classical music with blood all over his face is, obviously, the most amazing thing ever. He only adds on to the awesome when he hangs one of the guards up on the bars, arms spread out like Jesus, waiting to be found.

But Piper Laurie is no slouch, either, and her scary-religious “parenting” methods sure as hell have me trying to hide behind my pillow. Which, of course, makes it all the more fitting when Carrie kills her by telekinetically impaling her with kitchen knives, leaving her body hanging in a Jesus-esque fashion.

9. Best Traumatizing Mommy Killing In An Animated Film

Bambi’s Mom (Bambi)

VS

Nemo’s Mom (Finding Nemo)

************

We all know about Bambi’s mom (the, er, shot heard around the world, at least in the mind of millions of children who were traumatized by this film). Didn’t like Daddy’s hunting cabin so much after that, did you, kids? I hate this fucking movie.

Then again, maybe Bambi’s mom is not quite as shocking as the first five minutes of Finding Nemo, where Daddy and Mommy Fish are so cute and adorable and perfect with their loving relationship and their witty banter . . . right up until Mommy Fish is suddenly EATEN. She’s EATEN, for Christ’s sake.

Kids movies suck.

10. Best Ability To Make Kick-Ass, Weaponized Lemonade Out Of An Amputated Limb Lemon

Ash’s Chainsaw Hand (Evil Dead 2)

VS.

Cherry’s Shotgun Leg (Planet Terror)

Of course, Ash’s chainsaw hand is a classic, and Bruce Campbell kills many an undead and evil thing by slicing and dicing it back to Hell. It is, in a word, groovy. Also: probably easier to run with than, say, a shotgun leg.

But Cherry Darling maneuvers pretty well on that shotgun leg, and she does have the advantage of range that a chainsaw doesn’t give you. Plus, she’s unlikely to ever accidentally shoot herself with her shotgun. The same cannot be said for anyone using a chainsaw in a film.

Okay, that’s it! Once again, leave your choices in the comments section. I’m planning on leaving this survey up for a week, maybe two, and assuming I get more than two responses to it, I’ll tally the votes and post them here for your viewing pleasure.

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15 Responses to The Random Movie (And TV Movie) Awards

  1. Mekaela says:

    1. Chicken Arrow
    2. Luke Skywalker
    3. It
    4. Garden State
    5. The Head Gives Head. This scene is just … ick.
    6. Top Gun
    7. Harold and Maude
    8. Carrie’s mom
    9. You know, I’m just not sure. I’ll say Bambi because it’s my generation
    10. This is my boomstick! Er, I mean the chainsaw 🙂

  2. Chris D says:

    1. Chicken Arrow…meh
    2. Luke Skywalker….Noooooooooooooo!
    3. Ok Pennywise was wrong, but there was so much wrong in that book in general.
    The 10 year old heros defeat the badguy…and then have a gangbang? I must have missed that part in the TV show. (ick)
    4. Didnt see either one of these movies.
    5. The tree…..you know this scene would make a great anime. 😉
    6. Top Gun. The need for speed baby!
    7. Didnt see either movie, but ewww
    8. tie….meh on account of “I see what you did there-ness”
    9. Bambi. Becaue by Nemo’s time it was cliche. Bambi’s mom was a visionary. Also on that note deer season is coming up soon….
    10. Boomstick baby!

  3. Brian says:

    Sadly, while I’d love to participate, I simply haven’t seen enough of these movies to have an opinion one way or the other. 😦

  4. Jaime says:

    1. Chicken Arrow
    2. John Rambo – Just because the more upset or angry he becomes, the more crooked his lower jaw becomes.
    3. Pennywise
    4. Garden State – I’ve never seen Elizabethtown, but if my sisters can be believed, the movie induces some sort of narcoleptic coma that erases all memories of the movie except that is was superbly bad. And I liked Garden State alright, so I’ll go with that one. Although I am curious about the knife-wielding-exercise-bike.
    5. Head^2
    6. Top Gun – I’ve never seen A Few Good Men, but I do have it on my To Watch list with the brief explanatory note: “The unhandleable truth”
    7. Harold and Maude
    8. Prison Guard
    9. Nemo’s Mom – For what it did to the dad as much as anything.
    10. Ash’s Chainsaw Hand – ‘Groovy’ pretty much says it all. (And Cherry’s shotgun leg makes her walk gimpy as heck. It’s like having one knee-less Barbie leg and one regular leg)

    • 4. Actually, I like both movies, but I know a lot of people who didn’t like Elizabethtown. I think it’s definitely more uneven than Garden State. On the other hand, Orlando Bloom has a spectacular hissy fit, which I enjoy.

      6. Hee. I like your note.

      10. I know Ash is going to win this; I just know it, but I’m still unsure about the chainsaw versus the shotgun thing. I mean, I feel really strongly about my leg, and even though I’m a crappy runner, I can still go faster than Cherry, and that’s important. But chainsaws always seem better in theory. Off the top of my head, I’ve got two movies and a TV show where people die by their OWN chainsaw.

  5. Robert says:

    1 – Chicken Arrow. The sacrifice idea was cool and all, but the egg laying moment puts the arrow over the top.

    2 – Luke Skywalker. As far as the actual scenes go, I really think that Stallone portrays a man falling apart better than Hamil did, but Luke is just so damn whiney that you can’t get it out of your head.

    3 – Pennywise. Not that I’m a clown hater, but the underrated Tim Curry managed to make an idea that looked good on the page just creepy enough onscreen that it overcame the goofiness of it.

    4 – Garden State. I didn’t want to shoot Braff’s character in the first five minutes of the film. Sadly, Bloom’s guy did not come off so well.

    5 – The Head. Worse than the tree by several levels of bad.

    6 – Top Gun. Because Good Men is really a *Jack Nicholson* movie that just stars Cruise.

    7 – Harold & Maude. Because they didn’t pull punches and have Maude turn out to be a twenty-year-old with that rapid-aging disease. Tenenbaums weren’t brave enough.

    8 – Carrie’s Mom. Really, doesn’t Hannibal get enough props? Spread the love, man!

    9 – Bambi. Because sometimes you have to go with the classics.

    10 – Ash. Was there ever really a choice?

  6. Betred says:

    1) Sacrificial Bucket — good chicken is dead chicked, fried, with lots of greese. I don’t care why she crossed the road willingly or was shot from a bow, laid an egg, and then got to be dinner — I want that chicken in a bucket. Can you tell I’m not allowed to eat fried chicken anymore?

    2) Luke Skywalker — ’cause Rambo never made you root for the cops…

    3) Randell Flagg — clowns (even evil ones) are easy to dismiss, but Flagg — he could be your friend. Remember, evil is just live spelled backwards…

    4) Elizabethtown — one of the films on my ten best list. There is much wisdom to be mined from this picture. And you know you wanted to try on a pair of those shoes…

    5) Although The Evil Dead does give new meaning to the term “woody,” I gotta go with the head due to its sheer generosity. I mean, the tree was equipped to get something out of its experience — but what did the head get out if its encounter?

    6) Top Gun. I liked both films, but I don’t think Cruise was a star in either of them — in Top Gun the real star was the F-14 Tomcat, and in A Few Good Men, well, I gotta agree with Rob.

    7) I haven’t seen either of these films. That said, I’d have to vote with the Tannenbaums — “almost” incest beats out the shagging of the ancient — unless there is money involved. Toss ‘Sunset Boulevard’ into the mix and I may vote differently…

    8) Prison Guard — ’cause if you believe the legend, thenthe guard didn’t deserve it and is therefore more “Christlike.” Carrie’s mama on the other hand — the woman had some issues.

    9) Bambi — It’s classic. In one shot, a story is told and the kid learns what life is all about. Two hours after mama gets eaten and Nemo is still a floundering around trying to figure it out.

    10) Chainsaw. Ever see what happens when you pull the trigger on a firearm when the barrel is all clogged up as if used as an artificial leg? Besides, a chainsaw is multi-functional…

    • rorf says:

      1. One of your options is a chicken laying an egg in a man’s chest, and you have to ask? Seriously, woman.
      2. Luke, hands down. As Betred said, he makes you root for the bad guys! That’s some ugly crying.
      3. Flagg. Third place behind those two is Linoge in Storm of the Century.
      4. Batman! How is Batman not on here? I object.
      5. oh my god. Maybe Japanese tentacle porn has inured me to the tree, but I’m going to have to go with the head giving head. I have no words for how disturbing that is.
      6. Top Gun
      7. Wow, I can’t decide which one I root for more. They’re both so well done. I guess…I’m going to have to go with Harold and Maude, bc they were more serious about the issues involved than RT was.
      8. Carrie’s mom, no question. Hannibal is possibly the best villain of all time, but the Carrie’s mom death scene is absolutely amazing.
      9. Bambi, because he was completely left alone, and Nemo still had his dad.
      10. Ash

      • 1. I feel it was a worthy question. I love the KFC bucket in Major League (though, yes, my own personal vote went to Hot Shots Part Deux)

        4. Oh, no. Superheroes are they’re totally their own category here. I’m talking semi-normal protagonists who do wacky things like scream at gorges, carry around their dead father’s ashes, and preferably stand around in the rain, thinking about their lousy life. Less with the vengeance, more with the quirk.

        8. I agree. Secretly (well, less secretly now), I would have been really disappointed if Carrie’s Mom had lost. Her death scene ROCKED.

  7. 1. I’m very sorry for your loss. I mean that sincerely. I love fried chicken.

    5. Woody . . . that’s so bad. Heh.

    8. That’s a very interesting reasoning. I hadn’t thought of that before.

    10. Poor Cherry. Her shotgun leg is going to get slaughtered in this fight.

  8. Pingback: Just a Reminder . . . | My Geek Blasphemy

  9. Laura says:

    1. Haven’t seen either
    2. Luke Skywalker
    3. Pennywise
    4. Oh god I hate both of these movies lol. Well if I have to…I guess Garden State
    5. The rape tree
    6. Top Gun
    7. Harold and Maude
    8. Carrie’s mom
    9. Bambi
    10. Cherry, because I am rooting for the underdog here

  10. Melanie says:

    1. Major League sacrificial chicken – one of the funniest moments of the movie
    2.Luke Skywalker – because let’s face it….doesn’t Stallone’s face get made fun of enough?
    3. Pennywise – because as much as I LOVED The Stand, Flagg was kinda campy in the mini.
    4. Garden State – I liked E-town, but Garden State was better.
    5. The head gives head – haven’t seen either movie but the idea of a severed head down in my never regions gives me the creeps. *shudders*
    6. Top Gun – because it’s a classic!
    7. The Royal Tenenbaums – I’ve never seen Harold and Maude and I’m glad. I hate movies about major age differences….even if it’s guy is old and girl is young (Paging you, Entrapment!)
    8. Carrie’s Mom – because Piper Laurie was all kinds of creepy and the visual metaphor is deep.
    9. Bambi’s mom – like others had said, it was the shock factor that has now become cliche’. It was the first to do it.
    10. Evil Dead II – I’ve never seen either movie, but based on the YouTube clips, that was kick-ass! 🙂

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