May I Have the Envelope, Please . . .

The 2010 Random Movie (And TV Movie) Awards have been tallied, and your winners are here:

1. Best Use of a Chicken

Killer Arrow, Hot Shots! Part Deux

Sorry, Pedro. The sacrificial bucket of KFC was no match for the Chicken Arrow of Death. When in doubt, always vote for the chicken that can be used with deadly force if necessary.

2. Best Ugly Cry

Luke Skywalker, The Empire Strikes Back

John Rambo’s monologue may be a slurry mess of strange vowel sounds, and one side of his jaw may try to disconnect from the rest of his face, but no one, I mean, NO ONE, can take ugly cry away from Luke Skywalker’s, “That’s not true. That’s IMPOSSIBLE!”

Hee. I’m smiling just thinking about it.

3. Best Stephen King Villain – Miniseries

Pennywise, IT

I don’t know why I bothered asking. Clearly, Tim Curry is the creepiest motherfucker ever known to man. Look at them teeth. I bow before you, Tim Curry.

4. Best Movie Where A Parent Dies and the Protagonist Learns The Meaning of Life

Garden State

Wow, there’s really a lot of Elizabethtown hate out there in the world. Garden State won, but mostly because people despised E. Town so much. Poor Orlando Bloom. Come to California. I’ll hug you : )

5. Best Sex Scene That’s Just . . . Wrong . . . and Wrong on SO Many Levels

The Head Gives Some Head, Re-Animator

Sorry, Creepy Tree. You are number two on The Squickiest Scene of All Time. The head . . . the head just wins. Let’s leave it at that.

6. Best Tom Cruise Movie Where He’s (Not Literally) Haunted By His Dead Father

Top Gun

Flawless Victory! The people were unanimous: Top Gun CRUSHES A Few Good Men. I can only assume this is due to the awesomeness of Goose and Kenny Loggins. Michael Ironside (we call him Smiley) is pretty fun too.

7. Best Squick Romance

The Tenenbaums made a decent effort for the crown, but in the end it was Harold and Maude’s 59 year age gap that won them Squickiest Romance. Hmmm. If only one of them might somehow be turned into a zombie, get themselves decapitated, and then reenact the scene from Award 5 . . . I think we would have The Nastiest Movie of All Time on our hands.

8. Best Jesus Inspired Death Pose

Carrie’s Mom, Carrie

This one was pretty close, people. The Prison Guard from Silence of the Lambs almost took it, but I think all the religious symbolism and general “yeaaaah, you BITCH!” moment of vindication that you get when Mrs. White bites the big one pushed Carrie’s Mom to first place.

9. Best Traumatizing Mommy-Killing in an Animated Film

Bambi’s Mom, Bambi

The opening scene in Finding Nemo may have been sad, but I think Bambi instilled a sort of irreparable loss and subconscious need for therapy in all our little childish hearts. Can’t beat the classics.

And now, finally . . .

10. Best Ability to Make Kick-Ass, Weaponized Lemonade out of an Amputated Limb Lemon

Ash’s Chainsaw Hand, Evil Dead 2

Yeah, I know. No shocker here. Ash is The Master.

Groovy, baby.

Thank you all for playing! I hope to come up with more silly surveys in the future.

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