Clearly, we’re not gonna get a better shark movie than Jaws. I mean, it’s just not going to happen. I’m not interested in trying. However, the second best shark movie and your recommendation for today: the awesome, the glorious . . . Deep Blue Sea.
Don’t look at me like that.
I will have you know, haters, that Deep Blue Sea is, in fact, total cheesy, awesome fun, and it plays with a surprising amount of “scary movie” conventions for a flick about genetically engineered, super smart, killer sharks. In fact, I’ve compiled a list to highlight the most awesome things about Deep Blue Sea. Be WARNED, however: this list contains SPOILERS, so if you don’t want to read them, just take my word for it: it is spectacular.
Otherwise, continue here.
Here’s what Deep Blue Sea has going for it:
1.) The Best Fucking Inspirational Speech of All Fucking Time
2.) After they kill off the biggest name in the movie, Scoggins (Michael Rapaport) has the best damn reaction to it ever: he curls up on the floor, rocks himself back and forth, and says, “I’m not moving. I’m not moving. Someone will come. They’ll come, and they’ll get us, and we’ll be fine.”
Now, I’m not saying that this is a particularly productive or useful response, but it’s probably how I (and a lot of you) would react, and I hold a special place in my heart for male characters who freak the fuck out in movies.
2.) There are two main female characters in Deep Blue Sea, and by the end of the film, they both die. That’s just immensely not typical. It usually goes more like this: either, only the pretty girl lives, or, more often, the pretty girl and the cute guy lives. Naturally, these two have secretly liked one another and have been flirting the entire movie. Or, they used to be married. One way or another, it all ends with googly-eyes. In Deep Blue Sea, though, there are no googly-eyes. Saffron Burrows is Thomas Jane’s (admittedly manipulative, bringer of doom) love interest, and she and the perky blonde both get their asses swallowed (although, not whole, not really. There’s definitely some chewing first.)
Which reminds me . . .
3.) In an ill-advised and guilt-induced moment of altruism, Saffron Burrows risks her life to keep her pet creation from getting out and killing people freely. And, yes, that’s what causes her to be yet another round of shark-food. Hear that, kids? Altruism doesn’t always pan out! Remind people of that, the next time they want you to do something for the good of the group.
4.) Deep Blue Sea has the best prayer ever: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, because I carry a big stick and I’m the meanest mother fucker in the valley! Two sharks down, Lord! One demon fish to go! Can I get an Amen?”
5.) Finally, LL Cool J . . .
. . . is never a bad idea.