I’m shamelessly breaking my own rules. I didn’t post a recommendation yesterday, and I’m probably not going to write one tomorrow—limited internet access, dammit. Everyone should have wireless. Anyway, today I decided that I didn’t feel like recommending anything (other than wireless) because I wanted to talk about something else instead.
See, I’m a huge sucker for movie trailers. I can watch previews for hours on end, just seeing what looks interesting, what looks shitty, what I would potentially eat dirty socks full of drain cleaner before paying to see in theater. And, thinking about it, I realized that there are at least five types of movies that just automatically equal zero interest for me. I mean, for me to even consider going to see this kind of movie . . . dude, Joseph Gordon-Levitt AND Jensen Ackles both better be in it, shirtless, CONSTANTLY shirtless, and maybe singing and playing the guitar in a soulful manner while they’re at it. Shirtlessly.
And so I present to you, a list:
The Please, Please, For The Love Of GOD, Don’t Make Me Watch This List
*Most, if not all, examples are of movies that I have not actually seen yet, so there are no spoilers. You may have seen this movie and disagree with the category that I’ve put it in. That’s fine. However, that’s how the movie struck me as I watched the trailer (or heard it described from others) and that is why I’m not interested.*
5.) Romantic Comedies
Look, I like my share of romantic comedies. I do. I’m a girl. Give me horror; give me blood, but occasionally, I’m gonna wanna cuddle. I have made my peace with that.
However, that being said, most of the romantic comedies that I’ve seen advertised over the past five years have made me kind of want to vomit, preferably over Katherine Heigl’s face. Uptight, neurotic, gorgeous woman; guys who do something “unforgivable” and get caught twenty minutes before the movies over; formulaic plots or ridiculous plots . . . everything but a fucking laugh track, really. I’ll rent a romantic comedy sometimes, but I haven’t seen one that I’d be willing to pay even matinee prices for in years.
Examples: Made of Honor; Killers; The Bounty Hunter; The Ugly Truth; Life As We Know It; The Back Up Plan; Letters to Juliet, etc, etc.
Exceptions: Definitely, Maybe; Enchanted
4.) Thrillers Where There’s A Good Chance That The Protagonist Is Going Crazy
I like mind-trippy thrillers, to an extent, but I hate this plot twist: the hero/heroine has lost their girlfriend/boyfriend/son/daughter/puppy/goldfish and asks the police for help, only the police have no record of the girlfriend/boyfriend/son/daughter/puppy/goldfish and, furthermore, has the hero/heroine been taking their meds lately? Then it’s a big conspiracy if the hero/heroine really IS crazy, or if it’s the government/aliens/mustache-twirling villain fucking with them, or maybe the hero/heroine is crazy but somehow someone really IS in danger, and in the meantime I so checked out of this plotline twenty minutes ago to go watch something that didn’t make me roll my eyes into my brain.
There are actually a good number of variants on this basic plotline, but they all annoy me. Here’s another one: someone has died (possibly been murdered), and either a loved one or a person in authority (cop, doctor, etc.) who’s investigating suddenly starts having unexplained hallucinations or experiences, and maybe there is no crime after all. Maybe the cop/doctor/loved one has actually been crazy all of this time, and they’re in a loony bin bouncing off walls, talking about rainbows, or who the hell knows. I still don’t care, and my eyes have still been violently relocated inside of my skull.
Examples: Flight Plan, The Number 23, Shutter Island, Gothika, Jacob’s Ladder
Exceptions: Err . . .
3.) Mafia/Mob Type Movies
You’d think that I’d love mob movies, with my penchant for fictional violence and whatnot, but truthfully, there’s something about these types of films that just doesn’t intrigue me at all. Unlike many of the stupid romantic comedies mentioned above, I’m sure that many of these films are actually good ones—obviously, there are some hugely classic mafia movies—but given the choice between sitting down and watching the ultimate family business or, I don’t know, reorganizing my sock bucket, the socks usually win. (I lie. Actually, I ignore both of these and go read angsty fanfiction. I know my priorities.)
I like a decent amount of heist movies, from the fun Ocean’s Eleven to the somewhat less upbeat The Usual Suspects, but mob movies? So not my cup of tea. And there’s really no justification for this. I just don’t give a damn.
Examples: The Godfather, Scarface, Casino, Goodfellas, The Town. To be fair, I’m not sure The Town actually has any mafia in it. But it’s, you know, another gritty movie about Boston. I’m telling you, I’m tired of Boston, man. See, I’m from California. I’m for more laid-back crime.
Exception: The Departed. And even then, I wasn’t that interested when I watched the trailer, only a little, and that was mostly due to the Matt Damon, the Martin Sheen, and The Rolling Stones. And now that I have seen the film, I willingly concede that it was quite good. Also: I never need to watch it ever again.
This is why I’ve never seen every movie in the Best Oscar race. There’s always a fucking biopic. And I just . . . don’t . . . care. Admittedly, there are degrees of how much I don’t care, like some things are a “blah” don’t care, and others are a “good Christ, please don’t hurt me by making me watch that” don’t care. For instance, Milk is a political biopic, and I had a little more interest in it than I had in Ray, a musical biopic, despite the fact that I like the Ray Charles music I know. I just don’t care about his life. I don’t care about his . . . drinking? Did he drink? Or have affairs? I don’t know; I didn’t see the film.
I just know that, for some reason, I usually prefer to be inspired by fictional people in films. I don’t want to pay to see the true life story of anybody. I certainly don’t want to pay to see someone’s version of this dude’s true life story. That doesn’t interest me. Maybe it’s because those movies are usually so centered around the idea of let’s make money and inspire people! that the sincerity of it usually rings a little false to me. Or maybe it’s because nine times out of ten, the movie ends with that person dead, and I hate a predictable end. I don’t know exactly what it is. I just don’t know that biopics are probably my least favorite movie to pay my own money (or anyone else’s money) to watch.
Examples: Milk, Ray, Amelia Earheart Movie, Capote, Beyond the Sea
Exception: Ed Wood. When Tim Burton and Johnny Depp team up to do more biopics, I’ll start paying more attention to the genre.
1. Inspirational Sports Movies
I’m not real crazy about sports movies to begin with, but if I’m going to watch them, then they’d better be fucking hysterical, like Major League or Necessary Roughness. Hell, I’ll even go for The Replacements, which I fully recognize is not that impressive of a movie, but it’s one that I enjoy watching on cable when I’m bored and there’s nothing else on, (yes, even with Keanu Reeves’s infuriatingly wooden performance in it. I have learned to overlook almost every one of Keanu’s bad performances, except in Much Ado About Nothing, where it cannot be overlooked. You have to revel in it, or else the movie is ruined. Don’t let Keanu ruin that movie for you, people. Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh alone make it awesome.)
Ahem. Anyway. Look, if you give me a few jokes, fine, okay. I’ll try out your damn sports movie.
But if you expect me to learn some moral lesson from your sports movie, if you want to teach me about racism or sexism or classism or any kind of –ism . . . bitch, please. You can’t pay me to see those kinds of movies. (Actually, that’s also not true. You just have to pay me a lot. Otherwise, you have to be my parents, in which case I’ll have no choice and I will be awarded no money of any kind for watching your stupid movie. I will, however, be silently mocking the inspirational speech given by the quarterback before the last play in the meanest, most vulgar terms I can think of.)
I know some of them are good, I know it, but . . . UGH. Count me out on the trip to the theaters, thanks. I’ll stay home and watch B movies (well, D- minus movies, really) on Syfy Channel and be happier for it.
Examples of My Least Favorite Movies I Get Forced To Watch: The Blind Side, The Rookie, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Remember The Titans, Friday Night Lighs, Coach Carter, Hoosiers, Glory Road, Rudy, Miracle, We Are Marshall, Seabiscuit, etc., etc. ETC!
Exceptions: The original Karate Kid, I guess? I don’t really consider it’s a sports movie, but it’s got a training montage, so I guess it is. Really, though, it’s all about Miyagi, isn’t it? Pat Morita rocked.