And then there was . . . Sorority Row.
Hee hee hee. Let’s see some skinny bitches die!
1.) Overelaborate and tasteless pranks never end well. Here, the girl who gets herself dead, Megan, isn’t much of a victim, considering that she was in on the prank in the first place and really only has herself to blame for her untimely demise. This stops no one (except the heroine, of course) from freaking out that they’re all going to go to jail, which, honestly, I’m not sure that anyone would be, except for Garrett, who would definitely do some jail time. (Much like in I Know What You Did Last Summer, when Ryan Phillippe is sure that the cops will assume he was driving, even though he wasn’t and there’s really no reason to assume that he was or that he would go to prison for life.)
Whether the girls would go to jail or not, though, I know this: if we’re supposed to feel even remotely sympathetic for Megan . . . I don’t. Sorry, Megan. In Discworld, they would call you a suicide, cause you did it to yourself, babe.
2.) Leah Pipes plays Ryan Phillippe’s part in this movie, as Jessica, the blonde superbitch who gets everyone to go along with her plan of not calling the cops. There’s something about her face that kind of reminds me of Katee Sackhoff, and honestly? She’s sort of awesome. I mean, evil, sure, but she’s funny as hell. “Claire, I like being your friend because . . . it makes me multi-cultural without having to do anything.” Heh. Bitch.
If Pipes is essentially playing a female version of Ryan Phillippe from IKWYDLS, then Briana Evigan’s Cassidy is the snarkier and easily more likeable version of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Cassidy has a couple of silly lines, but is, for the most part, ten times more believable as a good girl who doesn’t make you want to vomit rainbows just by watching her. For a movie about gratuitously killing off sorority sisters with tricked out tire irons, Jessica and Cassidy are surprisingly strong female characters, and they’re actually fun to watch. Honestly, they kind of make the whole movie.
3.) More casting: we have Rumer Willis as Ellie, the only other good girl in the group. She’s also the weak and useless one, as evidenced by her wearing glasses.
We also have Carrie Fisher as Mrs. Crenshaw, the den mother or whatever. She makes a semi-badass cameo here, but is mostly underused and could have been infinitely cooler.
4.) The killer is pretty predictable. Even before you know the motive, if you’ve ever watched a horror movie before, you probably won’t be surprised.
Also: the last thirty seconds of the movie are pretty lame. Honestly. I wish they would stop adding on these stupid “bwa-ha-ha” moments to horror movies. Is there anybody out there who doesn’t roll their eyes at them?
5.) The killer has a serious mouth fetish. That is, (s)he’s very fond of stabbing people through the face. Also, through the neck. The vast majority of his/her attacks are centered above the shoulders for some reason.
6.) Okay, let’ s say you have a goal. You want to go find something or do something—it doesn’t really matter what, but you have some kind of objective in mind. However, accomplishing said objective means walking through total darkness, or deep water, or a massive huge bubble pit where someone could easily be laying in wait to murder you.
If your objective is either a) running from a murderer or b) saving your friend from a murderer (you noble bastard), then it’s (questionably) acceptable to go through darkness/water/bubble pit to accomplish said goal.
If your objective is turning off a fucking hot tub because it’s making an aggravating sound? I hope your death is vicious and slow, because you do not deserve to help populate the species.
7.) Maggie is Megan’s younger, bitchy sister who wants to join the sorority next year. Maggie is like Jessica-lite. It’s an acting thing, I think; Caroline D’Amore isn’t as strong of an actress as Leah Pipes, because, as the movie goes on, you actually start to root for Jessica to survive. Maggie, not so much. Maggie’s the kind of bitch that you just start chanting, “Die, die, die,” at the TV.
Finally, a few spoilery notes. If you don’t want to be spoiled for Sorority Row, turn away, turn away now.
8.) Before they tell you who the real villain is, movies often give you a lame, fake-out villain. In this movie, that would be Jessica’s boyfriend, Kyle, who’s clearly a few marbles short himself, as his reaction to all the craziness that’s happened is to almost take his girlfriend’s head off when he tries to Jack Nicholson his way through the door with a fire axe. I guess he’s trying to protect his reputation or something, because his daddy’s some big-shot politician? Or Kyle’s going to be a big-shot politician, or maybe they’re both in politics? I can’t remember the specifics. But up till this point, Kyle seems to be reasonably sane (he’s barely in the movie, to be honest) which is why his sudden transition into a dude in a graduation robe with a fire axe who’s stalking after two girls in the middle of a house that’s burning down is just kind of ridiculous. I mean, there’s protecting your reputation and there’s deciding to devolve into Jack Torrance in three seconds or less. The whole “twist” is just so obvious that it’s really kind of annoying, honestly. The real villain, who Mek and I called, naturally, is . . .
9.) Cassidy’s boyfriend, Andy. The real message of this movie? Don’t date.
10.) A few words on Andy and the end of the movie. First, Andy’s really obviously not American. Sorry, Andy.
Second, he’s doing all this murder and mayhem in order to protect Cassidy. He loves her, see, and since all of the sisters have told somebody else about Megan (Chugs told her therapist, Jessica told Kyle, etc, etc) it’s only a matter of time before the secret gets out. Andy’s plan is to kill everybody who knows, which is crazy but fine, except that when Cassidy doesn’t go along with this plan (you know, being sane and all), he turns on her in like half a second. I mean, I know serial killers love differently than normal people, but you’d think that after going to all this trouble, he might hesitate for at least a minute before trying to kill her too.
11.) Inconsistencies: when Cassidy finds out that Jessica told Kyle about the secret, she asks if she was the only person who didn’t tell somebody about what happened to Megan. The problem here is that, at this point in the movie, Cassidy doesn’t know that Ellie told Andy what happened. She doesn’t know if Claire told Mickey, and I don’t think she knows that Chugs told her therapist, although I suppose that could have come up sometime earlier in the movie. Still, this line occurs too early in the movie for it to really make sense.
12.) Finally, sometimes, directors are not subtle.
Case in point: Andy is killed when Ellie shoots him with the shotgun. He falls to the floor, and since the whole house is burning down, his weight causes him to fall through the floor into the basement. Not that you can see the basement, oh no. All you can see are the FLAMES OF HELL coming up to catch him. Because he is BAD. Because he is getting his JUST DESSERTS.
Although, to really get his just desserts, he ought to fall into the flames of hell and land on a burning piece of pipe that impales him through the mouth.
Tentative Grade: B
Moral of the Story: if you accidentally kill somebody, just tell the cops about it. Seriously. It’s a lot less complicated, and fewer people will die by having entire bottles of alcohol slammed into their mouths.