The 2011 Geek Playoffs, Week 1!

Everyone loves a good death match, right? Well, get ready, folks, cause today we have eight of them. Welcome to the 2011 Geek Battle of Blood, a four week event in search of an Ultimate Champion.

For Week One of the Playoffs, I’ve picked out sixteen contenders. Most of them possess limited or no magical abilities, just a handy weapon and/or a willingness to kill. There are a few, however, with some superhuman talents or abilities. These fights have all been randomly chosen, and it will be up to you to decide who will win. Will it be the wand or the Glock? The soldier or the ninja? Batman or God?

(No, Batman versus God is not a real fight. But it will be the example I’ll be using to demonstrate the DO’s and DO NOT’s of voting.)

A few things to keep in mind before the carnage begins.

1.) Voting starts today (Wednesday, January 19th). You will have a week to nominate one winner for each of the eight battles. Voting ends Wednesday, the 26th, at 12:01 a.m. I will post the winners and their new battles later that day. For example, say you think that Batman has everything in that utility belt of his, including a Kill God Bat Spray or something. If the majority of people agreed with you, Batman will continue on to fight say, Buddha, Week 2 of the playoffs, while God will, er, return to that Great Fortress of Solitude in the Sky.

2.) Please only nominate once per battle. I’m sure you can be terribly clever and cheat the system and all, but, you know, why?

3.) Leave your votes in the comments section of this blog. (Especially Facebook users. PLEASE comment here and not on Facebook.) Keep in mind, your comments can be as detailed or as sparse as you like. If you’re feeling terribly creative, feel free to reenact the entire Batman versus God battle, Deadliest Warrior style. I’d love to hear why you feel Batman wouldn’t stand a chance, or exactly how God would annihilate The Dark Knight, or whatever. That being said, you may, in fact, have a life, so just listing the winners is perfectly acceptable too. No explanations are required.

4.) Remember: you get to choose how and where the battle plays out. That means, I don’t want to hear any nonsense about how you couldn’t choose because Batman would defeat God in Gotham, but God would defeat him anywhere else . . . you decide where the battle is at, so you decide the winner. Please don’t tell me that the fight is a draw. Votes for ties will be instantly disqualified, as well votes for player C. Do not tell me that in a fight between Batman and God, Spiderman would win. This will seriously annoy me.

Also, please keep in mind that your fighters can have access to anything they would normally have access to, weapons, tech, etc. However, they do have to fight for themselves. If Batman is fighting Xander from BTVS, Xander can use any weapons or spells (presuming you think he can use them correctly) from the BTVS universe. What he cannot do is hide in a corner and have Buffy fight Batman for him. I don’t care if that’s what would happen on the show. The fight is between Batman versus Xander, not Batman versus Buffy or Batman, Robin, and Batgirl versus The Scooby Gang.

5.) Finally, please don’t tell me why these fights would never actually happen. Seriously. No one cares.

All right, now that that’s all over, let the games begin.

WEEK ONE MATCH-UPS:

1. The Android Vs. The Zombie Slayer (Boy)

DATA, STAR TREK: TNG

PROS:                                                                           

  • Extremely strong
  • Knows almost everything
  • Carries a phaser
  • Doesn’t feel pain

CONS:

  • Gullible, to an extent
  • Literal off-switch
  • The kind of moral code befitting a utopian society

 

TALLAHASSEE, ZOMBIELAND

PROS:

  • Creativity with weapons
  • Easily handles multiple attackers
  • On the 1-10 Badass Scale? 11.

CONS:

  • Not as strong as an android
  • Stuck with 21st century weapons

 

 

2. The Zombie Slayer (Girl) vs The Evil Ex-Boyfriend Slayer

SELENA, 28 DAYS LATER

PROS:

  • Absolutely ruthless
  • Determined to survive
  • Very good with a machete

CONS:

  • Has never punched anyone’s head into coins.

 

SCOTT PILGRIM, SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

PROS:

  • Martial arts fighting skills
  • Gets do-overs
  • Can (sometimes) pull flaming swords out of his chest

CONS:

  • Twig-like, and kind of a slacker. Seems easily intimidated.

 

3. The Bounty Hunter vs. The Moon Princess

SPIKE, COWBOY BEBOP

PROS:

  • Expert at Jeet Kune Do
  • Resourceful, sneaky
  • Pickpocket
  • Good with a gun

CONS:

  • Can’t turn anyone into moon dust.
  • No magic of any kind.

SAILOR MOON, SAILOR MOON

PROS:

  • Possesses multiple magic items and transformation devices, including a magical tiara that turns people into moon dust.
  • Upgrades a lot into more special versions of herself, like Super Sailor Moon.
  • Lots of energy.

CONS:

  • Silly and often has to be rescued by Tuxedo Mask
  • Could easily be attacked in the middle of saying, “In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!”
  • Doesn’t have any guns or plasma cannons. Probably wouldn’t know how to use them if she did.

 

4. The Techno Wonder vs. The Demon Hunter

CLAUDIA, WAREHOUSE 13

PROS:  

  • Exceptionally smart
  • Access to a multitude of powerful artifacts
  • Can adapt almost any piece of technology.
  • Spunkiness

CONS:

  • No real combat or weapon skills.

DEAN WINCHESTER, SUPERNATURAL

PROS:

  • Groomed since childhood to hunt demons, monsters, angels, witches, etc.
  • Access to spells, charms, and a LOT of guns.
  • Good fighter.
  • Has survived the Apocalypse.

CONS:

  • Not nearly as smart as Claudia.

 

5. The Superhero vs. The One Who Loves The One

HIT GIRL, KICK-ASS

PROS:

  • Trained entire life to be a ruthless superhero.
  • Expertise with weapons.
  • Great fighter.
  • Easily mistaken as innocent and helpless.

CONS:

  • Sometimes, size matters. Kickass or not, she’s still very young and very small.

TRINITY, THE MATRIX

PROS:

  • Can download kung fu, helicopter piloting skills, etc, etc. in a matter of seconds.
  • Great with guns and can jump roof tops.

CONS:

  • Not nearly as badass outside of the Matrix.

 

6. The Bodyguard vs. The Witch

GOGO, KILL BILL

PROS: 

  • Psychotic, merciless.
  • Excellent with a ball and chain.
  • Skilled personal bodyguard

CONS:

  • Is a spiked ball and chain really an equal match for avada kedavra?

HERMIONE GRAINGER, HARRY POTTER

PROS:

  • Witch. All kinds of spells at her disposal, including killing, freezing, hurting, teleporting, etc, etc.
  • Extremely intelligent

CONS:

  • Certainly more squeamish than Gogo. May not be able to kill.
  • No real fighting skills that don’t include magic.

 

 

7. The Alien Vs. The Fighter Pilot

SCORPIUS, FARSCAPE

PROS:

  • Very strong
  • Intelligent, devious, patient.
  • Access to alien tech and weapons

CONS:

  • Does not stand up to heat well.
  • Dependent upon cooling suit and rods.

STARBUCK, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

PROS:

  • Stellar fighter pilot
  • Good brawler
  • Possibly the herald of the Apocalypse?

CONS:

  • Most weaponry likely not as advanced as Scorpius’s
  • Often self-destructive

 

8. The Cop Vs. The Pirate

JOHN MCCLANE, DIE HARD

PROS: 

  • Resourceful
  • Good brawler
  • Not afraid to blow shit up
  • Can take a helicopter down with a gun.

CONS:

  • Not particularly patient or level-headed.
  • Not as smart as Wesley.

WESTLEY, THE PRINCESS BRIDE

PROS:

  • Great with a sword
  • Knowledge of immunity to certain poisons.
  • Can withstand a lot of torture.
  • Hard to kill (you know, true love and all.)

CONS:

  • Well. Kind of bringing a sword to a gunfight.

That’s it, everybody! Remember, please place your votes in the comments section and have them in by Wednesday, 12:01 AM, PCT.

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11 Responses to The 2011 Geek Playoffs, Week 1!

  1. Kat says:

    1. Tallahassee, as long as he remembers rule #25 (shoot first)
    2. Selena, no contest
    3. Spike
    4. I’ll say Claudia because I like her glasses. (I haven’t seen either of these shows.)
    5. Trinity; barely if it’s in the real world, by a mile if it’s in the Matrix
    6. Gogo, but it’ll be a long and messy battle
    7. Scorpius
    8. John McClane…without Miracle Max to get him back on his feet, Westley is worm food

  2. Jaime says:

    1. Data
    2. Scott
    3. Spike
    4. Dean
    5. Hit Girl
    6. Gogo
    7. Scorpius
    8. McClane

  3. Fatpie42 says:

    1. Data would win. Tellahassee seemed to rely on zombies coming straight for him. Data would have the sense not to do that. Plus Data’s gun would be better. Data wins.
    2. Selena was unable to handle a few guys with guns, so she wouldn’t have a chance against Scott Pilgrim. Therefore Scott Pilgrim wins. Unless we ignore the second half of “28 Days Later” (my preference) and then she’s in with a chance….
    3. ?
    4. ?
    5. Hit Girl would beat Trinity outside of the Matrix. She can move fast, she’s resourceful and she can use a wide variety of weapons. I think Hit Girl would be able to pick up Matrix skills pretty fast, so I think Trinity’s best hope inside the Matrix would be escaping on a motorbike. In the end, Hit Girl is going to win no matter what. 🙂
    6. As awesome as Gogo is, I don’t think she’s going to be able to defeat magic. Hermoine wins.
    7. I want to say Starbuck, but I know nothing about what slien tech Scopius has. Still, if she can handle Cylons then I think she can handle alien tech. Right?
    8. McClane blows shit up. A lot. I don’t think immunity to poison and being good with a sword is going to be much help here. McClane wins.

  4. Susan says:

    1. Data, but I really like Tallahassee
    2. Selena
    3. Spike
    4. Dean
    5. Hitgirl
    6. Hermione
    7. not familiar enough to vote
    8. John Mcclane, although it pains me!

  5. Rob Hudson says:

    1) Data, he’s not into killing but he faster stronger and smart enough to shoot first.
    2) Scott Pilgrim, because he demonstrated the ability to handle a wide variety of threats, not just viral zombies.
    3) Spike, because goofy Moon Princess Girl would be making eyes at him while he was shooting
    4) Dean, because Claudia’s not really a killer and he’ll do what has to be done to win.
    5) Trinity, since everything else being equal, a good big woman will beat a good small woman more often than not.
    6) Hermione, as long as she sees the fight coming; she’s smart enough to can keep it at range.
    7) Scorpius, because being a sneaky shit counts for lots
    8) John McClane, because Westley is a nice honorable guy, and John is a bastard.

  6. Betred says:

    1. Tallahassee –a moral code and an off switch? Data has no chance.
    2. Selena — always bet on the girl against the geek.
    3. Spike — Because cute must die…
    4. Claudia — Just guessing…
    5. Trinity — because there is no spoon.
    6. Hermione — swish and flick; good-bye Gogo
    7. Starbuck — she is other directed…
    8. McClane — he’s just too pissed to loose.

  7. Pat says:

    1. Data’s bulletproof, as shown in First Contact. He wins.
    2. Scott Pilgrim has punched people’s heads into coins. He wins.
    3. Spike isn’t a moron. He wins.
    4. Claudia has the entire Warehouse 13 at her disposal. She wins.
    5. Hit-Girl edges out Trinity due to the whole ‘reality’ thing. She wins.
    6. Hermione probably has about three dozen ways to take out Gogo without ever resorting to an Unforgivable. She wins.
    7. Starbuck, though I’m honestly not sure why. Just a hunch.
    8. John Mcclane made a career out of taking out people smarter or tougher than he is. Westley did the same… but John has guns. He wins.

  8. rorf says:

    (1) Psh, Data. No question here. Which is sad, cause Tallahassee could totally have beaten the winners of a few other matches here.
    (2) Selena. Scott is cool and all, but he’s mostly lucky. And not this time.
    (3) Never seen Cowboy Bebop, so I’m gonna go with Sailor Moon.
    (4) Claudia. Sorry Car, but Claudia would win.
    (5) Trinity!
    (6) Oh no. I don’t know what to do here. I’m too biased, as much as I love Gogo, I can’t not vote for Hermione. She’d levitate the ball and chain and drop it on Gogo’s head.
    (7) Starbuck may be self-destructive, but she’ll just as happily destroy anything else. She’d kick his ass, no question.
    (8) Westley would find a way around the gun vs. sword issue. He might steal a gun and immediately learn how to use it.

  9. Becky says:

    Tallahassee
    Selena
    Uh…Spike?
    Hmm. Love Claudia, but have to go with Dean.
    Trinity.
    Hermione.
    Staburck.
    John McClane. Always John McClane.

  10. Pingback: Just a Reminder . . . | My Geek Blasphemy

  11. Kate says:

    1. Tallahassee. Plus, he’s hilarious without needing a chip.
    2. Selena. Because Michael Cera sort of irritates me.
    3. Oh come on. Sailormoon. She has the power of friendship. And true love. And talking cats!
    4. Dean. Definitely Dean.
    5. Hit Girl.
    6. Hermione. Brilliant and powerful. And again, that whole friendship thing.
    7. Hm. Starbuck I guess. Though I often want to punch her in the face myself.
    8. Westley. McClain would go all big and impossible and Westley would get him with subtlety.

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