Everyone loves a good death match, right? Well, get ready, folks, cause today we have eight of them. Welcome to the 2011 Geek Battle of Blood, a four week event in search of an Ultimate Champion.
For Week One of the Playoffs, I’ve picked out sixteen contenders. Most of them possess limited or no magical abilities, just a handy weapon and/or a willingness to kill. There are a few, however, with some superhuman talents or abilities. These fights have all been randomly chosen, and it will be up to you to decide who will win. Will it be the wand or the Glock? The soldier or the ninja? Batman or God?
(No, Batman versus God is not a real fight. But it will be the example I’ll be using to demonstrate the DO’s and DO NOT’s of voting.)
A few things to keep in mind before the carnage begins.
1.) Voting starts today (Wednesday, January 19th). You will have a week to nominate one winner for each of the eight battles. Voting ends Wednesday, the 26th, at 12:01 a.m. I will post the winners and their new battles later that day. For example, say you think that Batman has everything in that utility belt of his, including a Kill God Bat Spray or something. If the majority of people agreed with you, Batman will continue on to fight say, Buddha, Week 2 of the playoffs, while God will, er, return to that Great Fortress of Solitude in the Sky.
2.) Please only nominate once per battle. I’m sure you can be terribly clever and cheat the system and all, but, you know, why?
3.) Leave your votes in the comments section of this blog. (Especially Facebook users. PLEASE comment here and not on Facebook.) Keep in mind, your comments can be as detailed or as sparse as you like. If you’re feeling terribly creative, feel free to reenact the entire Batman versus God battle, Deadliest Warrior style. I’d love to hear why you feel Batman wouldn’t stand a chance, or exactly how God would annihilate The Dark Knight, or whatever. That being said, you may, in fact, have a life, so just listing the winners is perfectly acceptable too. No explanations are required.
4.) Remember: you get to choose how and where the battle plays out. That means, I don’t want to hear any nonsense about how you couldn’t choose because Batman would defeat God in Gotham, but God would defeat him anywhere else . . . you decide where the battle is at, so you decide the winner. Please don’t tell me that the fight is a draw. Votes for ties will be instantly disqualified, as well votes for player C. Do not tell me that in a fight between Batman and God, Spiderman would win. This will seriously annoy me.
Also, please keep in mind that your fighters can have access to anything they would normally have access to, weapons, tech, etc. However, they do have to fight for themselves. If Batman is fighting Xander from BTVS, Xander can use any weapons or spells (presuming you think he can use them correctly) from the BTVS universe. What he cannot do is hide in a corner and have Buffy fight Batman for him. I don’t care if that’s what would happen on the show. The fight is between Batman versus Xander, not Batman versus Buffy or Batman, Robin, and Batgirl versus The Scooby Gang.
5.) Finally, please don’t tell me why these fights would never actually happen. Seriously. No one cares.
All right, now that that’s all over, let the games begin.
WEEK ONE MATCH-UPS:
1. The Android Vs. The Zombie Slayer (Boy)
DATA, STAR TREK: TNG
- Extremely strong
- Knows almost everything
- Carries a phaser
- Doesn’t feel pain
- Gullible, to an extent
- Literal off-switch
- The kind of moral code befitting a utopian society
- Creativity with weapons
- Easily handles multiple attackers
- On the 1-10 Badass Scale? 11.
- Not as strong as an android
- Stuck with 21st century weapons
2. The Zombie Slayer (Girl) vs The Evil Ex-Boyfriend Slayer
SELENA, 28 DAYS LATER
- Absolutely ruthless
- Determined to survive
- Very good with a machete
- Has never punched anyone’s head into coins.
SCOTT PILGRIM, SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
- Martial arts fighting skills
- Gets do-overs
- Can (sometimes) pull flaming swords out of his chest
- Twig-like, and kind of a slacker. Seems easily intimidated.
3. The Bounty Hunter vs. The Moon Princess
SPIKE, COWBOY BEBOP
- Expert at Jeet Kune Do
- Resourceful, sneaky
- Good with a gun
- Can’t turn anyone into moon dust.
- No magic of any kind.
SAILOR MOON, SAILOR MOON
- Possesses multiple magic items and transformation devices, including a magical tiara that turns people into moon dust.
- Upgrades a lot into more special versions of herself, like Super Sailor Moon.
- Lots of energy.
- Silly and often has to be rescued by Tuxedo Mask
- Could easily be attacked in the middle of saying, “In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!”
- Doesn’t have any guns or plasma cannons. Probably wouldn’t know how to use them if she did.
4. The Techno Wonder vs. The Demon Hunter
CLAUDIA, WAREHOUSE 13
- Exceptionally smart
- Access to a multitude of powerful artifacts
- Can adapt almost any piece of technology.
- No real combat or weapon skills.
DEAN WINCHESTER, SUPERNATURAL
- Groomed since childhood to hunt demons, monsters, angels, witches, etc.
- Access to spells, charms, and a LOT of guns.
- Good fighter.
- Has survived the Apocalypse.
- Not nearly as smart as Claudia.
5. The Superhero vs. The One Who Loves The One
HIT GIRL, KICK-ASS
- Trained entire life to be a ruthless superhero.
- Expertise with weapons.
- Great fighter.
- Easily mistaken as innocent and helpless.
- Sometimes, size matters. Kickass or not, she’s still very young and very small.
TRINITY, THE MATRIX
- Can download kung fu, helicopter piloting skills, etc, etc. in a matter of seconds.
- Great with guns and can jump roof tops.
- Not nearly as badass outside of the Matrix.
6. The Bodyguard vs. The Witch
GOGO, KILL BILL
- Psychotic, merciless.
- Excellent with a ball and chain.
- Skilled personal bodyguard
- Is a spiked ball and chain really an equal match for avada kedavra?
HERMIONE GRAINGER, HARRY POTTER
- Witch. All kinds of spells at her disposal, including killing, freezing, hurting, teleporting, etc, etc.
- Extremely intelligent
- Certainly more squeamish than Gogo. May not be able to kill.
- No real fighting skills that don’t include magic.
7. The Alien Vs. The Fighter Pilot
- Very strong
- Intelligent, devious, patient.
- Access to alien tech and weapons
- Does not stand up to heat well.
- Dependent upon cooling suit and rods.
STARBUCK, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
- Stellar fighter pilot
- Good brawler
- Possibly the herald of the Apocalypse?
- Most weaponry likely not as advanced as Scorpius’s
- Often self-destructive
8. The Cop Vs. The Pirate
JOHN MCCLANE, DIE HARD
- Good brawler
- Not afraid to blow shit up
- Can take a helicopter down with a gun.
- Not particularly patient or level-headed.
- Not as smart as Wesley.
WESTLEY, THE PRINCESS BRIDE
- Great with a sword
- Knowledge of immunity to certain poisons.
- Can withstand a lot of torture.
- Hard to kill (you know, true love and all.)
- Well. Kind of bringing a sword to a gunfight.
That’s it, everybody! Remember, please place your votes in the comments section and have them in by Wednesday, 12:01 AM, PCT.