. . . I present to you Piranha 3D. (Only not really, since I don’t have a 3-D TV. Well. There are definitely piranhas, anyway.)
If you want to see extremely fake killer fish or extremely fake giant breasts . . . this is the movie to see.
Prehistoric piranha try to eat all the Spring Breakers at Lake Victoria. (Everybody cheers.)
1. Jerry O’Connell as a cokehead porn director? Always a good start.
2. Too bad the teenage good boy hero is so freaking boring. Also boring? His nitwit bitch of a love interest and his uber precocious blonde siblings. (Precocious kids are tough. A lot of the time, I like them simply because some writers don’t want to credit kids with brains. On the other hand, super savvy kids can be kind of absurd. You know, 30 year olds aren’t this witty, much less tiny people who are still having trouble with their two times tables. And these particular kids? Blah. Charm is the key. These are utterly charmless, annoying, uber brat children.)
At least Good Boy Hero’s Mom (Elisabeth Shue) isn’t quite so irritating, although, like most of this movie, she is a little ridiculous.
3. Piranha also has Ving Rhames as Deputy Badass, Christopher Lloyd as a random scientist dude, and Adam Scott as a nerdy geologist who, out of nowhere, decides to suddenly kick ass. This movie has an awesome supporting cast and enough fun cameos to make it worthwhile. Also . . .
4. It has a scene nothing short of magic. Two porn stars glide together underwater, toplessly, making out with one another as fucking operatic music plays. The girls are swimming there for like ten minutes, never once coming up for air. Apparently, oxygen is not a factor for naked lesbian stripper mermaids.
5. If you’re a guy, there’s one scene that might be a little painful to watch. Surprisingly, there’s not really a comparative scene for women. My friend Norah was actually disappointed by the lack of E-sized breasts being chewed off, much to my amusement. Norah, apparently, is quite the sadist : )
6. I think my only problem with this movie is that it centers around a family. Because this isn’t an edgy movie—it’s a silly movie—so there’s no surprise who’s going to be killed off and who’s going to make it. If this movie centered around a house full of bitch sorority sisters, then everyone would be fair game and that would be kind of enjoyable. But the second someone Good is in danger, it’s like, gee, I wonder if they’re going to implausibly escape somehow.
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if the family weren’t so boring. But I really don’t think I can impress upon just how annoying our heroes are. (Especially the love interest. She’s a great example of a hero needing to “ditch the bitch.” Like, she’s horrible to you, kid! Stop trying to save her!) Trust me, you will be wishing for their messy, underwater deaths long before the end.
7. Finally, the ending? Yeah, it’s kind of awesome. Technically, it’s a “twist” ending, and I usually hate those, but the whole film’s so tongue and cheek that it works. I laughed pretty hard in the last five seconds.
Conclusion: Irritating good guys, yes, and it’s totally predictable, but it’s also silly and fun and very self-aware.
Moral: When trying to climb across a rope over piranha-infested waters, go one at a time instead of four at a time. It’s funny, really, how four people weigh more than one person alone, and how the rope will keep getting closer and closer to the water with every additional 60-120 pounds you add to it.
Also, this is kind of hilarious. I accidentally just stumbled upon a site that screens movies for all the violence, gore, and otherwise naughty bits (for concerned parents, I guess). I didn’t exactly grow up with censored viewing, so I’m always a little amused by people who freak out if their child sees a boob or something, but I figure each to his own where parenting is concerned. There are worse things than being over-protective, after all. That being said, this site has a category for everything, including disrespectful/bad attitude and tense family scenes. Under the tense family scenes? The lack of father figure. I mean, Jesus Christ. That’s not even important in this movie.
If you want to read it for yourself, the site is here: http://www.screenit.com/movies/2010/piranha_3d.html.
Be warned, though: these people do go over everything that happens. They warn you for scary instances of spitting, for God’s sake.