“You Know Something! You’re Old!”

This movie is demented, funny, violent, and original. Obviously, I heart it mucho.


I’ve seen Feast before, but I watched it again the other day and felt compelled to write about its awesomeness. If you haven’t seen the movie, please, please don’t read this review. This is the kind of film that will actually surprise you by playing with common horror tropes. Don’t ruin it for yourself just to read my astounding wit. I have a lot of wit to go around. You can easily check out another one of my snarky reviews and bask in the warmth of my wit there.


People hole up in a shitty bar in the middle of nowhere. Huge, ugly, evil creatures try to eat them.


1. I like how this movie begins with every character getting a freeze frame, a fun fact, and a life expectancy. I especially like that these life expectancies aren’t always correct. In fact, they almost never are. One of the best things about this movie is that it truly is a film where just about anyone can die. Most movies try to create that atmosphere, but everyone knows going in that the heroine with the tragic past just isn’t going to bite it, period, and that the old mentor guy is dead either ten minutes in, or halfway through, you know, before the heroine’s now, I mean business music kicks in.

In Feast, however, a soldier, hero, a heroine, and a kid are all killed off with brutal efficiency. (The solider might not have been so surprising if it hadn’t happened in the first five minutes of the film. Soldiers usually last long enough to at least impart some battle knowledge and/or wisdom before dying tragically, usually to save a woman.) I cannot stress enough how exciting it is to watch a horror movie and not instantly guess who is going to make it or what order the cannon fodder is going to die in.

2. Likewise, it’s also exciting to see which unlikely people manage to survive at all. I didn’t have a good feeling about Hot Wheels, one, because I liked him and two, because for the not insignificant fact that he’s in a fucking wheelchair. Still, I thought there was at least a possibility that he might survive, and he did. But the fact that Bozo (the total dick character in the film) makes it out alive is completely and utterly awesome. To be fair, you do start to sort of like him somewhere in the middle of the film—or maybe I just did. I do tend to root for siblings in horror films. And about half of the time, they even make it, too.

3. Of course, the best moment in the whole freaking film is when Honey Pie completely deserts the other survivors. It’s amazing. She manages to get to the truck and is supposed to back up said truck so that the others can hitch a ride to freedom. Instead, Honey Pie gets the thing rolling and hightails it out of there while the others watch on, incredulous. Other horror films would have to show Honey Pie getting her commeupance for such an act, but in Feast, Honey Pie is never seen again. EXCELLENT.

4. On the downside, my biggest complaint about this movie is the character Beer Guy. Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander) is just this dumb guy, and he’s fine for awhile, but after he gets slimed with acidic beast juice and loses one of his eyes, he really should just stay dead. Once he comes back to life (or wakes up, whatever) he’s just not very funny anymore, and he really doesn’t serve any kind of purpose to the story. I find him excessively annoying. Besides, his “I’m-not-really-dead” thing takes away from Harley Mama’s “I’m-not-really-dead” thing, and hers is far, far more important to the plot.

5. Feast was the movie that the show Project Greenlight was all about. I wish I’d had HBO when Project Greenlight was on. From what I understand, Feast was a nightmare shoot, and it would have been interesting to see it from that perspective.

6. I like that the creatures are never really explained. There’s no reason they should be. They’re just the gooey, nasty, bad guys. Let’s just leave it at that.

7. This movie is over-the-top in gore and uckiness. One example: Jason Mewes’s face getting ripped off. (Oh, hi producers Ben and Matt! I didn’t see you there.) Another such example: the momma and poppa bad guys eat their dead, baby bad guy, screw, and immediately have a new baby, bad guy. It’s all kind of ridiculous and in-your-face gross, but that can be kind of fun too.

8. Although I do think that some of the dialogue is trying just a little too hard. Most of it I like, but occasionally someone will say something stupid or jerkish or awful, and I’m just like, Yes, movie, you’re very crass, I get it. Move on.

9. On the other hand, some of my very favorite bits of dialogue:

  • Hero: “I’m the guy that’s gonna save your ass.” (Hero is immediately pulled out of the window behind him and eaten. Bye, Dr. McSteamy!)
  • Coach: “It’s been awhile since someone’s been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be . . . well . . . offed.”
  • Bozo: “You know something! . . . You’re old! You’ve seen things . . . Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.”

10. Finally, this is probably the only movie in the world where you’ll see badass Henry Rollins in bright pink sweatpants. This alone doesn’t make the film worth watching, but it’s definitely a bonus.


Despite a little awkwardness and my general annoyance with Beer Guy, I really enjoy Feast. I laughed really hard when I first watched it. It’s original and refreshing and that’s worth something in a horror film. That being said, there are at least two sequels to this movie, and I have absolutely no interest in ever watching either of them. This story works really well as a stand-alone. I’m pretty sure that, with subsequent sequels, they’ll just prove to ruin the ending of the first one for me.




Anyone can die. But, on the bright side, anyone can step up and be the hero too. It’s just a matter of waiting for the most current hero to die horribly before you make your badass move.

Also, never listen to the motivational speaker. Ever.

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5 Responses to “You Know Something! You’re Old!”

  1. Susan says:

    What I remember about this season of Project Greenlight:
    they basically picked bad screen writers on purpose(and that turned out ok), i think they tried to pick campy writers, i don’t remember their exact words about it

    the director was really shy, had little control, and kind of got shit on, but i remember his dad, Clu Gulager(who played the bartender, i think, and was in a bunch of horror movies) freaked out on everybody and was like “LISTEN TO THE DIRECTOR RAAAAAH”

    Krista Allen showing up drunk on set

    Anyway…I ended up absolutely loving the final product, it was refreshing, and hilarious. I liked the hero’s quick entrance, and then quicker exit, and the kid in the wheelchair.
    Have you ever seen The Battle of Shaker Heights, or Stolen Summer? Those were the other Project Greenlight movies, and they were pretty good, actually Stolen Summer was excellent. I think you can rent the seasons on dvd, and then the movie is on the last disc or something like that. Feast’s season is the only season that I am unsure about it’s dvd status. I don’t recall us(as in hollywood video at the time)getting it for rental, I think we only got the film leading me to believe the season was not on dvd. I don’t know!

    I really enjoyed the show, so if you can rent any of them, i’d go for it.

    ps. I also hate that beer guy!! i have not seen the movie in a few years, but if he’s the fat guy w/the gross hair, and hat, I hate him! i don’t even like him on 30 Rock.

  2. Susan says:

    I just realized maybe the kid wasn’t in a wheelchair. Your “hot wheels” comment confused me. Was the kid just a kid, and that’s why they said “kids don’t die!” and then he did? or was he also in a wheelchair? My memory fails me.

  3. Susan says:

    I realize I’m not commenting way too much.
    But I remembered…it’s not in the movie, but I either saw it on Project Greenlight or elsewhere, but the creatures are a goverment experiement-gone wrong!
    I think they had a very misleading trailer with that information as well.
    So that’s what those creatures are, and why they’re in the desert. government secret lab shit.

  4. I’ve never seen the other Project Greenlight movies. I’ll have to check them out. I am interested in the show . . . but it will probably be awhile before I watch it. My queue is ridiculously long.

    There was an actual “kid” kid, like a child who gets eaten, and then there was the kid in the wheelchair who makes it, and by kid, I mean someone in his young twenties. That guy’s name was Hot Wheels. (In my head, I called him Wheelchair Boy, but I actually decided to review with the official nicknames, for once.)

    I heard that they cut out some of the expository scenes for the monsters, and frankly, I’m glad for it. I just don’t think it was necessary. And if it doesn’t make it to the final product, I don’t usually count it as cannon. Not that I mind them being secret government lab shit—I just don’t think it makes one damn bit of difference to the movie, so why bother telling us?

    • Susan says:

      yes yes yes
      i think the story line of “goverment made creatures gone wild” is lame, anyway. it’s better with out reasoning

      i really want to watch this again, now

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