A couple of days ago, I watched a Greek zombie film called Evil.

Apparently, it’s the first Greek zombie ever. I thought it might also be the last Greek zombie movie ever, but apparently it has or is getting a sequel? I can’t even wrap my head around that yet.

Due to the fact that this movie hurt my brain, I’m not sure I can give you a true, comprehensive review of Evil (aka To Kako), but I’ll give it a go in my usual sprawling, profanity-laced style. It may not make a great deal of sense . . . but that’s okay because neither did the movie.

SUMMARY:

Three men are infected by . . . something . . . in a cave, but don’t realize it or don’t remember it and are thus unprepared for when they turn into zombies and help infect all of Greece. A bunch of survivors eventually band together and run around trying to escape the zombies. Or, sometimes, get into these epic, ridiculous battles with them, where the humans proceed to dismember the undead with their bare hands.

Evil . . . the movie about the most useless zombies, ever.

NOTES:

1. This is definitely another Writer Joe and Writer Susan movie:

Writer Joe: For our next project, I think we should write a zombie movie.

Writer Susan: Excellent idea, Writer Joe! Where should we begin?

Writer Joe: Well, Writer Susan, Hollywood has shown us that it only takes a few men to infect a whole city. The problem is, how do these guys get infected in the first place? We COULD go the whole bio virus experiment gone wrong approach.

Writer Susan: OR maybe some kind of invisible cave creature/zombie spirit could float by and attack the three guys, only they wouldn’t remember it cause everyone knows that invisible cave creatures/zombie spirits cause amnesia in their victims, so they’d just go about their day until they became zombies themselves!

Writer Joe: That’s brilliant, Writer Susan! But will all the zombies be invisible too?

Writer Susan: Oh no, Writer Joe. That would be silly. Only the original monster will be invisible.

Writer Joe: And where does the original monster come from, Writer Susan?

Writer Susan: . . . for fuck’s sake, Writer Joe. Do I have to think of everything?

2. The debate between slow and fast moving zombies is entirely ignored in this film. When the humans are lightly jogging away in terror, the zombies are free to slowly lurch after them. When the humans start actually running as if their lives, you know, depended on it, the zombies are suddenly marathon style sprinters. They also like to hop after their victims and, very occasionally, fly at them.

3. And if you’re thinking flying zombies just aren’t very fair . . . trust me, the humans easily have the advantage. You know how there’s usually one character who is so badass that he can kill an entire troop of bad guys with only a No. 2 pencil? Well, every character you meet in Evil is that badass. In this movie, zombies are ridiculously easy to pull apart and kill. A cab driver punches through a zombie’s chest. A woman throws her stiletto and pierces a zombie’s brain. One dude just rips off a zombie’s arm with his bare hands, while another guy uses the handle of an axe to impale a zombie. (Not that there was anything wrong with the blade side of the axe, mind you. I guess that just wouldn’t have been as cool?)

The fight scenes are ridiculous, but they’re easily the best part of the movie. Then . . . there are other scenes, scenes with ludicrous dialogue and quite possibly some of the worst acting I think I’ve ever seen.

4. Because a zombie uprising in Greece is not the same as a zombie uprising in America. In America, people freak the fuck out when zombies attack. In Greece, they apparently stand there calmly and ask what the hell is going on with absolutely no expression on their face. You might be tempted to think that these people are in shock, but I’m fairly convinced that the actor simply were incapable of, you know, emoting.

5. There’s also a very curious shot with a guy that’s magically hiding behind a tree that’s literally not even a foot wide. I’m sure it was a joke, but . . . you know . . . why? It seems like a very oddly placed sight gag. (Although, admittedly, the two of us who caught it laughed in a WTF sort of way . . . the only way you can laugh at this movie.)

Although at least that shot was obviously intended to be funny. Most of the camera angles on this movie are crazy . . . and by crazy, I mean bad.

6. Zombie vision is pink. They see everything in pink.

Excellent.

7. If you’re going to watch this movie, you need to watch it with a big group of people so you can laugh at it together. If I had started this movie by myself, I would have turned it off in about fifteen minutes. It’s too WTF for just one person. With a group, though, you can try to puzzle out what drugs the filmmakers were on together, and that might work out for you. It certainly did for me and my friends. Evil isn’t very good . . . but I can’t say I wasn’t entertained.

8. Oh, and the music? You’ve GOT to rock out to the music. I can’t even describe it. It’s just that random.

Now, I hate to do this for a movie like Evil, but I actually have to create a spoiler section because that end . . . oh my god, that end. It’s like the most WTF moment of all, that stupid, ridiculous end.

If you want to hear about it, follow below.

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Okay, so in this random group of wildly kickass strangers, there’s this super psycho soldier guy who starts off all seemingly normal and attractive but soon descends into total crazytown behavior.

Well, somewhere in the middle of the movie, the group continues on to find . . . shit, I don’t remember, a way out of the city, maybe . . . and Sergeant Psycho decides to stay behind so that he can needlessly torture this zombie chick. (And . . . do other things to her? I’m not really sure, but I am very glad we aren’t shown.)

Anyway, near the end of the movie after the cab driver with the toe fetish gets impaled (and after the Useless Teen sobs at his imminent demise, despite the fact that they’ve maybe shared a line of dialogue during the whole film) Sergeant Psycho comes back to save the last three survivors. He tells them to follow him if they want to live, and being the kind of people who generally approve of living, they follow him to this soccer stadium. Why? Well, fucked if I know. I assumed maybe a helicopter or something was coming for them, that there was a reason they were going to the stadium. Instead, the four stand in a back-to-back circle in the center of the field, link their arms together like any good band should, and wait for the thousands of zombies rushing their way. Last lines?

Useless Teen: “I have to pee.”
Obvious Father Figure: “Just hold it.”

And . . . that’s it. The zombies race in, and . . . the film just ends, in one of the shakiest, shittiest camera shots I think I’ve ever seen. And hey, I’m all for everyone dying—I don’t give a shit about any of these people, especially Useless Teen—but what the fuck is up with soccer field? Why does the soldier take them there in the first place? What was the point in any of that? Oh, aiya.

Conclusions:

This is a terrible movie, but my friends and I did have a lot of fun blinking at it and laughing hysterically at its ridiculousness. I mean, it is supposed to be a comedy, but some of it’s just so bad. It’s impossible to grade.

Grade:

What did I just say?

Moral:

Watch out for mysterious, invisible, zombie creature spirit things? Ooh, or don’t get drunk during a zombie attack, no matter how safe you might think your setup is. First, you’ll end up in bed with the pervy cab driver that you despise, and secondly, you’ll get eaten.

There’s a motivation for sobriety if I’ve ever heard one.