“Semper Fi, Motherfucker!”

The “Worst Video Game Adaptation” Movie Marathon continues with . . .

This isn’t so much ridiculous as it is kind of boring.

SUMMARY:

Something goes seriously wrong on some distant research facility on Mars. A group of Space Marines, led by none other than The Rock himself, go in to rescue the scientists who need to be rescued and otherwise contain the situation. Unfortunately, the situation does not want to be contained. And soon it is the Space Marines themselves who are in need of rescue . . . dun dun dun!

NOTES:

1. I have never played Doom before, so I can’t really comment on any accuracies or inaccuracies in the film. I just heard that the movie kind of sucked, and that The Rock and Karl Urban starred in it. Really, that was enough for me. Sadly, I must say, I was a little disappointed in the film. Not that it was bad, obviously, but how it was bad.

2. See, we should never have watched Mortal Kombat: Annihilation first. Our expectations for mindless action and ludicrous plot lines were raised so high that Doom might have been . . . heh . . . doomed to fall short of them. Seriously, the story isn’t so bad. It’s just . . . kind of boring. This is a movie about Space Marines fighting alien/mutant/zombie things. Boring shouldn’t even be a possibility.

3. So, I should go over a few characters. Let’s see.

Sarge

The leader of the Space Marines. (I just love typing Space Marines with capital letters. I keep trying to refrain from throwing in exclamation points and virtual jazz hands.) He yells at people a lot. Also: he is super dedicated to the mission.

Reaper

The hot, broody Space Marine with the tragic past. I think Karl Urban does the best he can with the material he’s given. You know, he shoots things when he’s supposed to, and otherwise stares around in a convincingly angsty manner. The general idea of his backstory isn’t bad. It’s just clunky . . . and somehow underdeveloped at the same time.

Urban does have one great reaction, though. He finds a guy that he takes to be a victim, and asks, “Sir, are you okay?” The gentleman in question answers by biting the head off a live rat. Reaper: “Okay . . .”  Hee.

Samantha Grimm

The only attractive blonde scientist. Also, Reaper’s sister. They have issues, but you know, they still love each other deep down and all. (In a side note: I almost put the fact that Sam and Reaper are siblings in the Spoiler Section, if only because her role in his life is mysterious for a whole ten minutes of the film, but I decided against it. I was grateful that she didn’t end up being his ex-wife or something, though. I’m generally much more interested in sibling stories.)

The Kid

The new kid on the block. Seriously, The Kid’s the most ridiculous thing about this movie. This is his first mission out, and I get that he’s green and all, but it’s like he didn’t even go to boot camp, like someone just picked him off the street and said, “Hey, you look tiny. Why don’t you go be a Space Marine? Here’s how you shoot a gun, okay? All right, off you go to Mars.”

Look, I’m sure nothing prepares you for combat until you’ve actually been there, but The Kid might as well have written ROOKIE on his forehead in giant, red letters while running around screaming, “Protect me! Protect me!”

Duke

The comic relief. He gets to say some funny things, shoot some guns, and flirt with Sam. That’s about the extent of his role.

Portman

The asshole. And not the kind of asshole that you secretly sympathize with because he’s the only one making smart decisions. Portman is the kind of asshole that makes you chant, “Die die die die,” as you sit on the couch, watching him sneer. Honestly, why Portman hasn’t been tossed out of the Space Marines (or murdered) prior to this mission, I have no idea.

4. Neither Karl Urban nor Rosamund Pike can hold an American accent to save their lives. Which is interesting with Karl Urban because I love what he does with his voice in Star Trek. Here, not so much. It’s hard to say who’s worse—Pike’s voice is just sort of consistently off, where Urban has a ton of slip-ups in vowels—but they’re both pretty wildly bad.

5. This movie kind of fails for me on two different levels. As an action movie, it just takes too long to get going, and once it is going, I’m still just not very engaged with it at all. I don’t care enough about any of the characters to really worry or hope that they’ll make it out of there. There are some nice bits of gore that I approve of and a couple of funny lines . . . but not nearly enough to redeem the movie.

6. Doom also has some sort of interesting ideas that I’ll discuss in my Spoiler Section . . . but they aren’t very well-developed, so they end up being kind of hokey. Likewise, the idea of the angsty backstory for Reaper and Sam isn’t bad, but it’s not executed that well. For the amount of time they spend on Reaper’s pained face, I wouldn’t have minded a more fleshed out backstory.

7. Finally, there’s a scene that pays homage to the game and is clearly meant to delight the fans  . . . but for me, it goes on way too long. It was a neat idea for the first minute or two. After ten minutes, I was just bored.

On to some spoilers before the final grading . . .

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

So, I already forget what the scientists were supposed to be working on, but it has something to do with an additional Martian chromosome or something. Anyway, the unit discovers that the creatures they’re hunting were once the human scientists and are now kind of like these super mutated zombie monster things, infected with the evil Martian chromosome. But the scientists didn’t have to turn into super mutated zombie things. That only happens to Bad People. If a Good Person is injected with the Martian chromosome, they just become, like, a rockstar. They’ll have superhuman strength and rapid healing abilities and stuff.

You’d think that the Rock, as leader of the squad, would be your Good Person . . . and you would be wrong. Sarge turns out to be the bad guy, not because he’s a greedy bastard or has anything to do with the experiment, but because he takes the order of extreme prejudice, well, extremely. In an effort to secure the situation, Sarge wants to kill pretty much everyone, including people who haven’t even been affected. When he orders The Kid to kill, like, fifty innocent people, The Kid balks. So Sarge kills The Kid.

Sheesh. Whatever happened to court martial, Sarge?

I really want to like the twist that Sarge is a bad guy, cause getting someone like The Rock to be a villain is a bit of casting genius. But like most of my problems with this movie, I just don’t think the character’s well developed enough for that. The movie doesn’t really earn the twist.

And the whole good and evil thing . . . man, that kind of storyline really needs good writing if you don’t want it to be corny as shit. I mean, what defines good and evil? Is it simply your intent? Is it your past actions? Is it the mere capacity to do evil? Some crazy ass Martian chromosome decides if you’re worthy of being a superhuman or a monster? I’m not saying this storyline can’t be sold . . . but they really didn’t sell it well enough here.

Anyway, everyone’s pretty much dead by the end. Only Grimm, Sam, and Sarge are still around. (Duke makes it awhile, but gets killed by the zombie things. Portman also dies, finally . . . but it seems to take fucking years.) Grimm is injured, probably dying, so Sam injects him with the Martian chromosome, having faith that he’s a good enough person to not turn into a giant monster. I get that he needs help now, and it’s good that she believes in him (considering they’re siblings and all), but . . . man, that’s an awful lot of faith to put in someone who you haven’t seen in years, especially when he says stuff like, “I’ve done a lot of bad things, Sam.” I mean, I’m just throwing that out there.

Luckily, Reaper is really good on the inside, or something, so he does not become a monster. He gets super strong, instead, and his wounds heal. Also, he gains the ability to have first person shooter vision! There’s like a ten minute homage to the first person shooter, which is cool at first but then just gets super fucking repetitive. Reaper and Sarge duke it out for awhile, and Sarge eventually bites the big one, making this another happy movie where only the siblings make it out alive. (There’s a list in that.)

CONCLUSIONS:

Doom‘s not a horrible film, but it’s just not super exciting, either. Slow to start out. Underdeveloped concepts and characters. Decent gore but not much else going for it. Could have been so much more badass.

MVP:

Karl Urban, I guess. He gets the most to do, and it’s not his fault that the material sucks. Accent problems aside, I generally like his reactions and line deliveries.

TENTATIVE GRADE:

C

MORAL:

Be good. Or else you’ll turn into this:

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5 Responses to “Semper Fi, Motherfucker!”

  1. Fatpie42 says:

    Rosamund Pike (who played awesome lady scientist character) is really good. When I saw her in “Made In Dagenham” recently (really good btw) I was trying to remember where I’d seen her before. I must say that this performance of hers completely slipped my mind. It’s criminal really that IMDB says most known for “Die Another Day” and “Doom” and doesn’t even mention “An Education”.

    • The only other thing I really know Rosamund Pike from is Pride and Prejudice. I did rather like her in that. Doom . . . not so much. But, you know, it’s Doom. Not like it’s Shakespeare or anything.

      I get a kick out of IMDB’s “most known for” things. I also love the categories of movies that Netflix recommends for me. They’re hysterical.

  2. Emeraldus says:

    Actually I think the Alone in the Dark adaptation should get the Worst Game Adaptation EVER. It was so boring and bad, I left the movie theater after a half hour. Me, who squirmed my way through the entire godawful mess that was Queen of the Damned.

    • That was on the list, but I didn’t end up renting it. I decided I wasn’t in the mood to try out Uwe Boll. But if you sat through Queen of the Damned and couldn’t sit through Alone in the Dark . . . yeesh, that IS bad.

      • Fatpie42 says:

        Queen of the Damned is alright if you think of it mainly as a showcase of Jonathan Davis’ music. I still say I enjoyed it more than Interview.

        But yeah, I think once you start including Uwe Boll movies on your list of awful videogame adaptations then that’s a really nasty jar of worms to open. I think you would probably be best off finding out which one is Uwe Boll’s best videogame adaptation if you are going to watch any of them. From what I can tell from Rotten Tomatoes, the best one is Bloodrayne (4% *gulp*).

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