So, my friends had a Halloween crafting party yesterday. I am not much of a crafter—origami is my mortal enemy, and I get frustrated with my inability to even cut paper in a straight line very well—so I just hung out, ate yummy cake, and watched a movie called Satan’s Slave instead.
Satan’s Slave (also called Evil Heritage) is a very bad 70’s horror movie starring the late Michael Gough (Alfred from most of the Batman movies!). Like most terrible 70’s horror movies, it’s pretty much a porn with a few more violent deaths than you would normally expect from your typical adult film. I couldn’t possibly hope to do it justice in a normal review, so instead, I have made up a list of things that I’ve learned from watching the Satanic, er, chiller.
Massive SPOILERS ahead.
In Case of Satan, Take Stairs . . . Or 10 Things I Learned From Satan’s Slave
1. When you’ve had these weird premonitions all your life, and you’re really having a strange feeling about visiting the uncle that you’ve never met before . . . you know, you should totally go. Because you’re spunky, and you like meeting new people, and you’re totally sure that they won’t be Satanists looking to sacrifice you. There’s no reason to think something silly like that. It’s not like you had a premonition warning you or anything—
Oh. Wait . . .
2. When you’re almost at your uncle’s house, and your parents’ car blows up with them still inside of it . . . don’t worry about calling the cops. Go ahead and take the mysterious sedative that your uncle—who you’ve still never met before—has just given you. Taking unmarked medication from strangers is a totally normal thing to do.
3. Furthermore, do not be concerned by the fact that the cops apparently have no need to talk to the only surviving victim of a fatal car accident. Or that they’ve apparently released your mom and dad’s bodies to your estranged uncle for a private burial with no paperwork or statements from you. Or that the car apparently blew up simply because the ignition was still on . . . and the car in question is not a Pinto. Do not consider these silly things in favor of taking yet another nap.
4. When you start having actual visions—not just weird feelings, mind you, but actual visions about evil pilgrims flogging and then killing a naked blonde woman who also happens to have a serious bikini line—it is not time to call it quits and go home. (Okay, so they probably aren’t actually pilgrims, as this film is set in England, but to hell with it. It’s clearly in the past.)
Instead, it’s time to go back to the house and whine that your cousin left you alone outside—because that’s your biggest concern right now, walking around by yourself. Hallucinations, pah. You’re still in shock. Shock constantly causes hallucinations of random, naked, blonde women being flogged.
5. Also, when you have a nightmare of one very naked chick violating another very naked, chick with a giant ass cross up the hoo-ha . . . clearly, it’s time to wake up and fuck your cousin.
6. Cheating on your boyfriend is okay because the guy’s a lazy waste of space, anyway. And cheating on your boyfriend with your first cousin is not strange or icky in the slightest because you’ve fallen madly in love with him in just 24 hours, and he’s totally not creepy at all. And really, there’s no whole incest taboo that you even need to reference, much less discuss or secretly feel guilty about. The heart wants what it wants, okay? There is nothing wrong about any of this.
7. Always take the stairs. Always. Because you never know when your girlfriend’s uncle will turn out to be a Satanist who will steal your mom’s bracelet and cast a spell that will torment you with ear-splitting music while you’re stuck in an elevator, forcing you to kill yourself by jumping off the roof of your apartment building. You Just. Never. Know.
8. When your uncle’s secretary tells you that your family is planning on sacrificing you to Satan tomorrow . . . what you really should do is hang out for the rest of the day, eat some dinner, and wait until long after nightfall before you make your move to leave. Because, sure, they may be cutting out your heart in less than 24 hours, but you know, a good pot roast is hard to find, and your uncle’s cook is super talented.
9. Fashion is always important. Wear jackets that appear to be made from poodles whenever possible. Also, when you need to go outside and show a woman a hidden grave in order to prove that she’s about to be sacrificed, it’s mandatory that you change your entire outfit into something just as stylish and just as impractical as what you were wearing before because . . . because it just is. So there.
And when you’re going to sacrifice a young woman, oh man. You must be wearing the right thing. Do not even consider sacrificing your niece to Satan so that you can raise the ghost of a dead powerful witch unless you are wearing the proper red and purple balloon robe.
10. Finally, when you escape from your uncle’s attempt to sacrifice you, only to run straight into your Dead Daddy, who claims that you have a concussion from the car accident and that the sedative you were given has caused you to dream all this horrible sacrifice-naked-women-cousin-sex stuff . . . believe him in a matter of seconds. Because reality and dreams feel so similar that you can never tell the difference between them, and concussions—not unlike shock—can apparently cause you to have massive hallucinations. And if he’s lying, well, it’s not like you’re going to be sacrificed to Satan or anything—
Sorry, Catherine. Sucks to be you.