Happy New Year, everybody! We at My Geek Blasphemy (er, me) like to celebrate this time of year with a (relatively new) tradition of fantasy geek-fighting.
What this means:
I have chosen 32 fighters from various movies, video games, and television shows. I have pitted these fighters against one another in sixteen different match-ups. It will be your job to choose the winner of each battle. The losers will go home crying to their fictional mothers. The winners will continue into next week’s match-ups until we have an Ultimate Fighting Champion!
I have guidelines for you before we get to the imaginary carnage.
1.) You choose how and where and when the battle plays out. For example, in a fight between, say, Zeus and Poseidon . . . I don’t want to hear any nonsense about how you can’t decide because Poseidon would so totally shove Zeus’s lightning bolt up his ass if they were in the sea, but anywhere else Zeus would put the smack down on his brother. It is up to you to decide these things. If you tell me the fight is a draw, I will just ignore you. If you can’t decide or are unfamiliar with the contestants, that’s fine, you don’t have to vote on that particular fight, but I don’t want to read a bunch of waffling if you aren’t even going to come to a decision. All votes for ties will be instantly disqualified, and I’ll be forced to grumble about how stupid your hair looks, nevermind the fact that I’ve (likely) never actually met you.
2. Similarly, in a fight between Zeus and Poseidon, please don’t vote for Hades. There is no option C. Votes for Option C will be instantly disqualified, and I’ll stop insulting your hair only to insult your momma.
3. Keep in mind that your fighters can have access to have anything they would normally have access to (weapons, vehicles, tech, etc.) However, they do actually have to fight for themselves. If, say, Santa Claus is fighting Xander from BTVS, Xander can use any weapons or spells (presuming you think he can use them correctly) from the BTVS universe. What he cannot do is hide in a corner and have Buffy fight Kris Kringle for him. I don’t care if that’s what would happen on the show. The fight is between Santa and Xander, not Santa and Buffy, or Santa, his elves, and his reindeer versus the entire Scooby Gang.
4. Please only nominate once per battle. I’m sure you can be terribly clever and cheat the system and all, but, you know, why?
5.) Finally, please don’t tell me why these fights would never actually happen. Seriously. No one cares.
All right. Now that all that preliminary nonsense is over . . . let’s FIGHT!
1. JAMES BOND VS. BATMAN
James Bond:
PROS:
Access to all kinds of crazy gadgetry. Partial to guns.
Good at withstanding torture.
Super spy abilities.
One suave motherfucker
CONS:
His customary suits, while debonnaire, aren’t exactly Batman’s body armor.
Batman:
PROS:
Access to all kinds of crimefighting gadgetry. Partial to batarang.
Can practically fly.
Martial arts master.
One stealth motherfucker.
CONS:
Doesn’t kill as easily or as readily as Mr. James Bond.
2. BLADE VS. BUFFY
Blade:
PROS:
Super strength
Super speed
Great reflexes
Basically all the advantages of vampirism and little of the disadvantages
CONS:
Dependent on serum to keep him from going Dark Side.
Buffy:
PROS:
Super strong
Great reflexes
Literally destined to kill vampires
Has killed considerably more than vampires—witches, demons, robots, etc.
Masterful at the witty pun
CONS:
Smaller than Blade
Probably less resilient to injury
3. ASH VS DARYL
Ash:
PROS:
Chainsaw arm
Boomstick
Certifiably groovy.
CONS:
Can’t be trusted to remember three words, even when his life depends on it.
No real hand-to-hand combat knowledge.
Daryl:
PROS:
Good with guns. Partial to crossbow.
Hunter/tracker
Unspeakably badass
CONS:
Ash’s chainsaw might make close-quarters fighting very dangerous for Daryl.
4. SARAH CONNOR VS RIPLEY
Sarah Connor:
PROS:
Good with a gun.
Buff.
Serious maternal instincts.
CONS:
Won’t have a Terminator to back her up this time.
Ripley:
PROS:
Knows how to use a gun.
Her guns are probably more advanced, considering they’re from the future.
Also buff.
CONS:
Sarah Connor’s normal opponents are harder to kill than Ripley’s aliens, or Ripley herself. But Connor’s still around.
5. DARTH MAUL VS IRON MAN
Darth Maul:
PROS:
Mystical Force powers. Including telekinesis
Ninja quick fighter
Awesome with two-sided lightsaber
CONS:
Even Darth Maul might have trouble dodging Iron Man’s missiles.
Iron Man:
PROS:
Ridiculous body armor.
Can fly.
Can target and shoot all kinds of weaponry. Including missiles.
CONS:
Considerably slower than Darth Maul.
No mystical powers.
6. SELENE VS ERIC
Selene:
PROS:
Able to withstand sunlight (per 2nd movie)
Uses guns
Strong, ridiculously fast, heals rapidly
CONS:
Not supposed to let humans know they exist. Could be a liability.
Younger than Eric, which almost always means weaker.
Eric:
PROS:
Can fly.
Manipulative and vicious. Will seduce and then later kill an enemy’s loved ones, just to make them suffer more.
Strong, ridiculously fast, heals rapidly
CONS:
Can be burned and tied down with silver.
Doesn’t think clearly (or at all) if Sookie is in danger.
7. XENA VS. GANDALF
Xena:
PROS:
Considerably younger than Gandalf
Can put ruthless warlord on her resume
Excellent with sword and chakram
Fierce battle cry
CONS:
No magic
Gandalf:
PROS:
Magic
Probably wiser than Xena.
Pretty spry for an old guy. Surprisingly handy with a sword.
CONS:
Still hard to imagine him beating Xena, Warrior Princess, in a sword fight.
The extent of his magic’s usefulness is hard to determine. It’s not like he has a spell on hand for every possible danger.
8. KILLER RABBIT VS JASON VORHEES
Killer Rabbit:
PROS:
Tiny and fast.
Hard to kill.
Nasty, big, pointy teeth.
CONS:
Much smaller than Jason. Could, potentially, just be stepped on.
Jason:
PROS:
Good with any weapon of convenience, although machete is favored.
Seems to suddenly appear out of nowhere.
Also fairly hard to kill. Or at least to stay dead.
CONS:
Considerably slower than Killer Rabbit.
9. THE BRIDE VERSUS SIX
The Bride:
PROS:
Trained assassin.
Master of martial arts and all kinds of weapons. Favors samurai sword.
Knows the five point palm exploding heart technique.
Got shot in the head once. Didn’t take.
CONS:
Still just a human.
Six:
PROS:
Access to all kinds of future weapons and tech.
Hell, Six is future tech.
Was party to mass genocide and planet destruction. Hard to get less sentimental than that.
CONS:
Seduction is one of Six’s primary strategies. That probably won’t work on The Bride (to the disappointment of many fanboys, I’m sure.)
10. WORF VS AERYN SUN
Worf:
PROS:
Klingon warrior. Physically strong and intimidating.
Trained in combat. Likely to use phaser or bat’leth.
CONS:
Have you ever noticed how often Worf gets knocked out or otherwise injured in TNG?
Aeryn Sun:
PROS:
Sebacean soldier, trained since birth.
Good hand-to-hand fighter. Mostly uses firearms. Partial to pulse pistol.
CONS:
Doesn’t do well in the heat.
11. LIU KANG VS ALICE
Liu Kang:
PROS:
Martial arts master. Signature move: gravity-defying bicycle kick.
Can shoot fire from his hands.
Can transform into a dragon.
CONS:
Not telekinetic.
Alice:
PROS:
Genetically altered soldier. Heightened strength, speed, agility.
Telekinetic powers.
Can jump long distances.
CONS:
One injection of the right serum can take away her telekinetic powers. Also, she can’t turn into a dragon.
12. MARV VS HELLBOY:
Marv:
PROS:
Equal to or even larger than Hellboy in size and stature. (Depends on your sources.)
Also pretty hard to kill.
Good at torture. Can keep people alive even after cutting off all their extremities.
Good fighter. Knows many different styles.
Can withstand a lot of pain.
CONS:
Has a condition. Gets confused.
Hellboy:
PROS:
Demon. Immensely strong.
Can heal from many would-be-fatal injuries.
Natural immunity to fire.
BFG with bullets that can be used against all kinds of supernatural creatures.
Right hand of doom.
CONS:
Lousy shot.
13. CYCLOPS VS BLANKA
Cyclops:
PROS:
Exceptionally powerful optic blast.
Trained fighter. Trains in the Danger Room. It is an aptly named room.
CONS:
Fairly vulnerable without his visor. Can’t turn off his power so effectively blind if the visor is somehow taken from him.
Blanka:
PROS:
Strong, self-taught fighter. Somewhat feral.
Can electrocute people.
CONS:
Doesn’t have any long-distance weapons or abilities that really compete with Cyclops’s optic blasts.
14. SEVEN OF NINE VS ROBCOP
Seven of Nine:
PROS:
Borg for most of her life. Not exactly the touchy-feely type.
Strong. Resistant to many forms of injury and radiation.
Superior vision per ocular implant.
CONS:
Borg tech can occasionally malfunction.
Needs to regenerate.
Robocop:
PROS:
Extremely strong.
Has a targeting system.
Hard to kill.
CONS:
Unlike Seven, Robocop has certain directives (like “protect the innocent” or “uphold the law”) that he has to follow.
15. MAX VS BULLSEYE
Max:
PROS:
Genetically engineered, transgenic supersoldier.
Seriously heightened senses, strength, agility, stamina, coordination, etc.
Expert fighter.
CONS:
Doesn’t like guns.
Due to feline DNA, will occasionally go into heat. Could prove to be dangerous against Colin Farrell.
Bullseye:
PROS:
Psychopathic assassin.
Can use pretty much anything as a weapon to kill someone. Including peanuts.
CONS:
No superhuman/transgenic abilities or powers.
16. THE KURGAN VS RAIZO
The Kurgan:
PROS:
Can only be killed by having his head chopped off.
Lived a lot of centuries to improve his fighting technique.
Cruel and bloodthirsty.
CONS:
Nowhere near as fast as a ninja.
Raizo:
PROS:
Ninja assassin!
Speedy little bastard and a ridiculously good fighter.
Can shadow blend (literally move so fast that he seems to disappear and reappear).
Special ninja healing abilities.
CONS:
Not an Immortal.
Nowhere near as evil and vicious as The Kurgan.
Okay, everyone, that’s it! I’ll have your results and new match-ups next Monday!
My Geek Blasphemy 
1. Batman takes Bond, because as cool as Bond is, he’s fairly average (for a superspy.) Batman… well, he’s Batman.
2. Ooh. That’s a lot harder, but I think the Slayer takes the Daywalker – but only barely. Blade’s specialized in killing just vampires, while Buffy’s taken down a whole lot of folks smarter or way more powerful than her.
3. Ash, but only because he’s a higher level zombie killer. Daryl might edge him out with time. Plus, he cut off his OWN hand. That gets him even more BAMF points.
4. Ripley mostly got lucky. Sarah Connor spent a good chunk of her life preparing for the evil robot takover. Sarah wins.
5. Iron Man easily takes down Darth Maul, who was kind of a pussy. Plus, he steals his lightsaber.
6. Selene… but I admit bias because I haven’t watched True Blood.
7. Do you not like Xena much? Gandalf would wipe the floor with her and make Gabrielle cry.
8. Killer Rabbit, but mostly because that idea makes me laugh a lot.
9. The Bride – I never saw Six as much of a fighter.
10. Worf – DS9 redeemed his fighting abilities.
11. Liu Kang, based on adaptability. Again, Alice is more specialized.
12. Oh, that’s mean, Carlie. Hellboy, of course. But you shouldn’t pit Ron Perlman against himself. That’s just wrong.
13. Dude. Cyclops.
14. Robocop. Seven of Nine is not an OCP employee.
15. Max. Bullseye is way overrated.
16. Ninjas win.
@patrickhweber
Agreed on a lot of these. One quick point Hellboy and Marv are not played by the same actor. Hellboy is played by Ron Perlman. Marv is played by Mickey Rourke.
5. Iron Man just snatches the lightsaber away, does he? How does he manage that? Darth Maul has ninja-esque skills and Iron Man does not. Short of flying away and firing blasts from a distance I’m not sure what Iron Man can really do. (And besides Darth Maul is not going to have much trouble avoiding or deflecting blasts from a distance.)
11. Sure Liu Kang can do an insane bicycle kick and turn into a dragon, but having seen him get ripped apart in all sorts of bloody ways, I have trouble believing him to be on the same level as Alice. She could use her telekinetic powers to stop him in mid-air… then she could remove his still-beating heart… or something like that.
13. Perhaps if I’d seen Cyclops somewhere other than the movies I’d understand this choice. How is an electric-powered super-fast beast going to be defeated by an ordinary bloke who happens to have laser vision? I just don’t see it.
16. Didn’t the Kurgan smash down castle walls with his bare hands? Even if I accept (and I’m still unsure on this) that anyone other than another immortal can harm the Kurgan, I’m still not convinced that Ninja skills are going to be enough to defeat him.
About 9. Absolutely right on the outcome. The thing is that the main reason I thought Six was so fascinating was way she cruelly manipulated her boyfriend into joining her crackpot religion. *SPOILERS FOR BSG* The way that is made out to be “a good thing” by the end was just a complete betrayal of her whole character. *END OF SPOILERS FOR BSG.*
I feel so ashamed for the Rourke/Perlman mix-up. Wow. I blame sleep-deprivation.
5. Iron Man could pull it off. Like many of the others, he’s someone that’s fought a lot of opponents, so he’d be more adaptable than Maul, who only fought two Jedi (and lost to the second.) And I’m saying he’d take the lightsaber after.
11. Eh.. maybe.
13. The only better strategist in the Marvel Universe than Cyclops is Captain America. Cyclops would win, easily.
16. Yeah, but.. ninja!
When all else fails, blame sleep deprivation. I always do 🙂
Darth Maul loses because he’s such a pussy. I would have thought that much was clear from the way he got cut in half real bad.
It physically hurt to vote against Six and Xena. Damn you Carlie, damn you!
Bwahaha.
To decide between Ripley and Sarah Connor, I think we first need to see a fight between an Alien and a Terminator.
1. I think Batman’s body armour gives him the edge here. He’s not invulnerable, but I don’t think Bond would be able to take him down before he was able to get some good shots in, which would then give him the oppotunity to finish Bond off.
4. I’m going to assume that this is Sarah Connor and Ripley at their most infamously badass, in Terminator 2 and Aliens. In which case, definitely Sarah Connor. Sorry Ripley.
7. I’m sure Gandalf’s got a lot more power generally, but he wasn’t really as handy in combat situations as you might’ve thought.
8. The rabbit. It’s a lot faster and harder to hit than Jason is.
I can’t fairly choose in any of the other battles because I haven’t seen both contestants in action.
Sorry, I meant to say that I voted Xena as the winner of Round 7. I need to remember to proofread comments.
1) Bond vs. Batman
Ugh, Batman in every way feasible, except apparently getting panties wet (apparently. Batman is like the goth kid who the girls would be down to have a date with if he didn’t spend all of his time being mopey and self-abasing – Wayne groupies aside). The majority of Bond’s kills, seriously, come from his gun and Batman’s armor blocks that shit, plus Bond’s investigative powers are more along the lines of stumbling into whichever tech-dungeon he magically manages to find, wherein he’ll find Batman in his own cave ready to take hidden passages and shit Bond never would be able to work out.
2) Blade vs. Buffy
Blade is a vampire. Buffy is a vampire slayer. ‘Nuff said.
Okay, just a bit more. Blade media are terrible. Buffy media are good. There. Now ‘nuff said.
3) Ash vs. Daryl
Don’t know Daryl, so I won’t vote.
For all rounds like this, I don’t think an Internet research can really be the same as having the relationship with the character that comes from actually watching the movies/reading the books/comicbooks/ playing the games/etc. I want these rounds to be open to people who actually care.
4) Sarah Connor vs. Ripley
Ripley has survived so much more face to face shit than the always running Sarah Connor it’s not even funny. Connor may try to stay off the grid but Ripley controls the grid. Plus Ripley now has acidic blood, apparently.
5) Darth Maul vs. Iron Man
Yikes. I’m not really sure if Iron Man’s special armor of craziness would have any effect against Maul’s lightsabers. However, seeing as in the first Star Wars prequel ol’ Qui-Gon Jin had to stick that lightsaber and let it cook in that door for a good few minutes before it broke through, and Iron Man’s armor has been shown in at least two movies if not the comic books to be stronger than most tanks-worth of metal, I’m going to play the favoritism route and say that even though Maul seems to have the upper hand, we’ll see how it works out when those lightsabers bounce off armor like epees off of sheet metal.
Though I’m willfully ignoring that Maul could basically just use the force to crush Iron Man’s larynx without a thought and there’s NOTHING IRON MAN COULD DO ABOUT IT.
Nah fuck that, Iron Man still wins.
6) Selene vs. Eric
Don’t know either of them, unless Selene is that chick from Underworld. At any rate, I can see that they are both vampires, which means as you and I well know they’ll just devolve into slow motion sex to the Cure in about three rounds of fisticuffs anyway, so forget it.
7) Xena vs. Gandalf
I would have never, ever thought about pairing these two together, so kudos. Took me a minute to work past the “what the fuck is she smoking?” to give it some serious consideration. Which is as such: Gandalf does his “Thou shalt not pass!” thing and falls into the abyss. Gandalf confronts Sarumon and gets imprisoned on a roof. Gandalf talks a big game but most of his really visually proven moments of power are when he shines light from a staff while riding a horse.
Xena actually kicks ass daily in half-hour bits. Gandalf just jabbers a fuckton for like ten hours of epic. Xena wins.
8) Killer Rabbit vs. Jason
The killer rabbit lays waste to dozens in a single sequence and never gets killed. Vorhees lays waste to maybe as much per two hour movie and dies all the time. Sure he comes back for whatever stupid reason (the Friday the 13th series, seriously, is the worst), but the fact of the matter is that he was dead before the series even started. Rabbit wins.
9) Bride vs. Six
I don’t know Six and because her name is a number I don’t even know where she’s from but hey, (douche jock voice) I’d like to find out!
No seriously where’s she from, she’s hot and I want to see it.
10) Worf vs. Aeryn Sun
Dunno, sorry.
11) Liu Kang vs. Alice
On a technicality, even though I don’t “know” Liu Kang as well so I should follow my own rules, most of those button masher fighters are purposefully designed to be “balanced” which also pretty much means they are interchangeable (with some variation for player comfort). Those games in some sense are designed to clear up these “who would win in a?” situations, but Alice has sort of blossomed in a wider world and arena that Kang doesn’t even have access to.
I’m not a huge fan of Alice. There are plenty of Resident Evil video game heroes that would be a lot more fun to match up against Kang. But Alice has the better resume; she wins.
12) Marv vs. Hellboy
Oh please. They’re both burly brawlers but Hellboy has taken harder hits than Marv without the need for bandages. Also, Marv only THINKS he’s seen Hell. Hellboy’s fuckin’ FROM IT.
13) Cyclops vs. Blanka
Willfully ignoring that Cyclops is now dead (apparently), his basic fighting style has been to stay far away and just blast blast blast. Blanka exists in a limited staged environment with no escape from ranged weapons. Blanka loses.
14) Seven of Nine vs. Robocop
Seven of Nine reprograms Robocop. End of story.
15) Max vs. Bullseye
No clue. In heat?!
16) Kurgan vs. Raizo
No idea. Looks like quite the battle though!
Batman definitely loses due to his reliance on pussy gadgets, his stupid costume, and the fact that he’s a pussy.
I should point out I’m talking the modern Bond, not the gadget happy Bond of earlier years.
Selene would totally win in a fight against Eric, she has the strength of a six hundred year old vampire and Alexander Corvinus’ fifteen-hundred, Eric is only one thousand years old, and she virtually has no weaknesses unlike Eric who is burned by the sunlight and silver, if Selene has one of her silver-nitrate bullets, it’s all her.