Happy New Year, everybody! We at My Geek Blasphemy (er, me) like to celebrate this time of year with a (relatively new) tradition of fantasy geek-fighting.
What this means:
I have chosen 32 fighters from various movies, video games, and television shows. I have pitted these fighters against one another in sixteen different match-ups. It will be your job to choose the winner of each battle. The losers will go home crying to their fictional mothers. The winners will continue into next week’s match-ups until we have an Ultimate Fighting Champion!
I have guidelines for you before we get to the imaginary carnage.
1.) You choose how and where and when the battle plays out. For example, in a fight between, say, Zeus and Poseidon . . . I don’t want to hear any nonsense about how you can’t decide because Poseidon would so totally shove Zeus’s lightning bolt up his ass if they were in the sea, but anywhere else Zeus would put the smack down on his brother. It is up to you to decide these things. If you tell me the fight is a draw, I will just ignore you. If you can’t decide or are unfamiliar with the contestants, that’s fine, you don’t have to vote on that particular fight, but I don’t want to read a bunch of waffling if you aren’t even going to come to a decision. All votes for ties will be instantly disqualified, and I’ll be forced to grumble about how stupid your hair looks, nevermind the fact that I’ve (likely) never actually met you.
2. Similarly, in a fight between Zeus and Poseidon, please don’t vote for Hades. There is no option C. Votes for Option C will be instantly disqualified, and I’ll stop insulting your hair only to insult your momma.
3. Keep in mind that your fighters can have access to have anything they would normally have access to (weapons, vehicles, tech, etc.) However, they do actually have to fight for themselves. If, say, Santa Claus is fighting Xander from BTVS, Xander can use any weapons or spells (presuming you think he can use them correctly) from the BTVS universe. What he cannot do is hide in a corner and have Buffy fight Kris Kringle for him. I don’t care if that’s what would happen on the show. The fight is between Santa and Xander, not Santa and Buffy, or Santa, his elves, and his reindeer versus the entire Scooby Gang.
4. Please only nominate once per battle. I’m sure you can be terribly clever and cheat the system and all, but, you know, why?
5.) Finally, please don’t tell me why these fights would never actually happen. Seriously. No one cares.
All right. Now that all that preliminary nonsense is over . . . let’s FIGHT!
1. JAMES BOND VS. BATMAN
Access to all kinds of crazy gadgetry. Partial to guns.
Good at withstanding torture.
Super spy abilities.
One suave motherfucker
His customary suits, while debonnaire, aren’t exactly Batman’s body armor.
Access to all kinds of crimefighting gadgetry. Partial to batarang.
Can practically fly.
Martial arts master.
One stealth motherfucker.
Doesn’t kill as easily or as readily as Mr. James Bond.
2. BLADE VS. BUFFY
Basically all the advantages of vampirism and little of the disadvantages
Dependent on serum to keep him from going Dark Side.
Literally destined to kill vampires
Has killed considerably more than vampires—witches, demons, robots, etc.
Masterful at the witty pun
Smaller than Blade
Probably less resilient to injury
3. ASH VS DARYL
Can’t be trusted to remember three words, even when his life depends on it.
No real hand-to-hand combat knowledge.
Good with guns. Partial to crossbow.
Ash’s chainsaw might make close-quarters fighting very dangerous for Daryl.
4. SARAH CONNOR VS RIPLEY
Good with a gun.
Serious maternal instincts.
Won’t have a Terminator to back her up this time.
Knows how to use a gun.
Her guns are probably more advanced, considering they’re from the future.
Sarah Connor’s normal opponents are harder to kill than Ripley’s aliens, or Ripley herself. But Connor’s still around.
5. DARTH MAUL VS IRON MAN
Mystical Force powers. Including telekinesis
Ninja quick fighter
Awesome with two-sided lightsaber
Even Darth Maul might have trouble dodging Iron Man’s missiles.
Ridiculous body armor.
Can target and shoot all kinds of weaponry. Including missiles.
Considerably slower than Darth Maul.
No mystical powers.
6. SELENE VS ERIC
Able to withstand sunlight (per 2nd movie)
Strong, ridiculously fast, heals rapidly
Not supposed to let humans know they exist. Could be a liability.
Younger than Eric, which almost always means weaker.
Manipulative and vicious. Will seduce and then later kill an enemy’s loved ones, just to make them suffer more.
Strong, ridiculously fast, heals rapidly
Can be burned and tied down with silver.
Doesn’t think clearly (or at all) if Sookie is in danger.
7. XENA VS. GANDALF
Considerably younger than Gandalf
Can put ruthless warlord on her resume
Excellent with sword and chakram
Fierce battle cry
Probably wiser than Xena.
Pretty spry for an old guy. Surprisingly handy with a sword.
Still hard to imagine him beating Xena, Warrior Princess, in a sword fight.
The extent of his magic’s usefulness is hard to determine. It’s not like he has a spell on hand for every possible danger.
8. KILLER RABBIT VS JASON VORHEES
Tiny and fast.
Hard to kill.
Nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Much smaller than Jason. Could, potentially, just be stepped on.
Good with any weapon of convenience, although machete is favored.
Seems to suddenly appear out of nowhere.
Also fairly hard to kill. Or at least to stay dead.
Considerably slower than Killer Rabbit.
9. THE BRIDE VERSUS SIX
Master of martial arts and all kinds of weapons. Favors samurai sword.
Knows the five point palm exploding heart technique.
Got shot in the head once. Didn’t take.
Still just a human.
Access to all kinds of future weapons and tech.
Hell, Six is future tech.
Was party to mass genocide and planet destruction. Hard to get less sentimental than that.
Seduction is one of Six’s primary strategies. That probably won’t work on The Bride (to the disappointment of many fanboys, I’m sure.)
10. WORF VS AERYN SUN
Klingon warrior. Physically strong and intimidating.
Trained in combat. Likely to use phaser or bat’leth.
Have you ever noticed how often Worf gets knocked out or otherwise injured in TNG?
Sebacean soldier, trained since birth.
Good hand-to-hand fighter. Mostly uses firearms. Partial to pulse pistol.
Doesn’t do well in the heat.
11. LIU KANG VS ALICE
Martial arts master. Signature move: gravity-defying bicycle kick.
Can shoot fire from his hands.
Can transform into a dragon.
Genetically altered soldier. Heightened strength, speed, agility.
Can jump long distances.
One injection of the right serum can take away her telekinetic powers. Also, she can’t turn into a dragon.
12. MARV VS HELLBOY:
Equal to or even larger than Hellboy in size and stature. (Depends on your sources.)
Also pretty hard to kill.
Good at torture. Can keep people alive even after cutting off all their extremities.
Good fighter. Knows many different styles.
Can withstand a lot of pain.
Has a condition. Gets confused.
Demon. Immensely strong.
Can heal from many would-be-fatal injuries.
Natural immunity to fire.
BFG with bullets that can be used against all kinds of supernatural creatures.
Right hand of doom.
13. CYCLOPS VS BLANKA
Exceptionally powerful optic blast.
Trained fighter. Trains in the Danger Room. It is an aptly named room.
Fairly vulnerable without his visor. Can’t turn off his power so effectively blind if the visor is somehow taken from him.
Strong, self-taught fighter. Somewhat feral.
Can electrocute people.
Doesn’t have any long-distance weapons or abilities that really compete with Cyclops’s optic blasts.
14. SEVEN OF NINE VS ROBCOP
Seven of Nine:
Borg for most of her life. Not exactly the touchy-feely type.
Strong. Resistant to many forms of injury and radiation.
Superior vision per ocular implant.
Borg tech can occasionally malfunction.
Needs to regenerate.
Has a targeting system.
Hard to kill.
Unlike Seven, Robocop has certain directives (like “protect the innocent” or “uphold the law”) that he has to follow.
15. MAX VS BULLSEYE
Genetically engineered, transgenic supersoldier.
Seriously heightened senses, strength, agility, stamina, coordination, etc.
Doesn’t like guns.
Due to feline DNA, will occasionally go into heat. Could prove to be dangerous against Colin Farrell.
Can use pretty much anything as a weapon to kill someone. Including peanuts.
No superhuman/transgenic abilities or powers.
16. THE KURGAN VS RAIZO
Can only be killed by having his head chopped off.
Lived a lot of centuries to improve his fighting technique.
Cruel and bloodthirsty.
Nowhere near as fast as a ninja.
Speedy little bastard and a ridiculously good fighter.
Can shadow blend (literally move so fast that he seems to disappear and reappear).
Special ninja healing abilities.
Not an Immortal.
Nowhere near as evil and vicious as The Kurgan.
Okay, everyone, that’s it! I’ll have your results and new match-ups next Monday!