Geek Battle of Blood, Week One — WINNERS!

Well, 16 battles were fought and won, and some of them were considerably harder than others.

Here are your results, Deadliest Warrior style!

1. James Bond vs Batman

James Bond has a mission: kill Bruce Wayne! (Why? Just go with it. Something to do with money and corporations, no doubt. Ooh, maybe they think he’s secretly a terrorist.) Anyway, Bond sneaks into Gotham in his invisible car, scales the fence around Wayne Manor, and knocks out Alfred with at tranq gun that’s been cleverly disguised in a friendship bracelet or something. But he isn’t expecting Batman, who emerges from the shadows of the parlor. Batman’s batarang misses. They engage in hand-to-hand combat, where Japanese ninja shadow master techniques kick SSA training’s ass. Batman strings Bond up to be arrested, but Bond is used to such treatment, and although surprised by the lack of a lava pit or man-eating sharks, quickly uses a knife hidden his wristwatch to escape. When Bond catches up to Batman again, this time threatening Robin in an effort to get the upper hand, Batman is forced to run Bond over with his Batmobile.

Winner:

Batman (68.29%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: YES!

2. Blade vs Buffy

There’s a new vampire in Sunnydale. Buffy goes to investigate, and finds that Blade hasn’t been taking his serum—he’s now a vicious killer like all the rest. It’s Buffy’s duty to slay him . . . but she didn’t expect that he could walk during the daylight hours. (Giles is on vacation. No research for Buffy.) Blade, getting pro-active, attacks the Slayer at the grocery store. They engage in an epic battle including swords, crossbows, and the occasional launched jar of Grey Poupon, but near the frozen foods section, Blade manages to overpower Buffy and drains her dry.

Winner:

Blade (52.5%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: This one went back and forth all week with Buffy leading by a very small margin most of the time. Blade fans struck back at the last minute, though, and won by two votes. I’ll admit, I was surprised. Apparently, Blade is the one vampire Buffy cannot slay.

3. Ash vs Daryl

Ash stumbles around in the woods, probably arguing with hallucinations of himself, when Daryl spots him. He might mistake Ash for a walker, or he might just not want any part of that crazy shit. Either way, Daryl uses his last arrow to try and kill Ash. But Ash, suddenly aware of his surroundings, catches the arrow like a badass and fires his boomstick at Daryl. It misses. Daryl goes in for the closer kill . . . but takes a chestful of chainsaw for his trouble.

Winner:

Ash (64.71%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Honestly, as much as I like Ash, I don’t really think he stands a chance against Daryl, not in a real fight. I think the S-Mart employee is more lucky than anything else. That being said, you know, he’s ASH. You gotta love Ash.

4. Sarah Connor vs Ripley

Ripley is so happy to be on Earth for a change—or would be, if Sarah Connor hadn’t immediately picked a fight with her. (Er, Sarah thinks Ripley’s a Terminator? Let’s just go with that.) This one’s a straight-out brawl, nothing fancy, just two hardcore chicks punching the everloving shit out of each other. But in the end, Ripley lands the lucky swing, and Sarah Connor doesn’t get back up again.

Winner:

Ripley (52.5%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Like Blade and Buffy, this battle was close the entire week. Both ladies kept mounting comebacks—but Ripley won in the end, presumably because she does more of her own fighting.

5. Darth Maul vs Iron Man

Iron Man invents a device to travel to alternate realities because he’s bored and he has too much time on his hands. Unfortunately, he lands squarely in front of Darth Maul who decides to kill him because he’s, you know, evil. Darth Maul attacks with his lightsaber, jumping around like a ninja monkey and quickly tearing through Iron Man’s armor. Iron Man quickly decides he’s had enough of this, however, and before Darth Maul realizes what’s happening, Iron Man fires a missile at him. It doesn’t miss.

Winner:

Iron Man (56.41%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: This one was also fairly close for most of the week . . . but a good blaster at your side always seems to overcome hokey religions and ancient weapons, doesn’t it?

6. Selene vs Eric

Selene is passing through Bon Temps and hears that faerie blood is just to die for. Eric, determined to defend Sookie like the sap that he’s become, hides her away, but Selene easily tracks them to Fangtasia. Knowing that he could crush her at night, Selene attacks during the day. She traps Eric with silver while he sleeps and drags him outside where he experiences the True Death. And then she feasts on faerie. Everyone rejoices.

Winner:

Selene (72.73%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I enjoy True Blood more than Underworld—well, until last season—but as much I love Eric, Sookie is such a huge liability that I couldn’t even pretend to argue when Selene brutally crushed him in the polls.

7. Xena vs Gandalf

Due to some mischief by the gods, Xena finds herself in Middle Earth engaged in a battle with Gandalf, who is not particularly intimidated by her fierce battle cry. When her trusty chakram misses, Xena goes to attack. Unfortunately, Gandalf has retreated to the other side of a narrow bridge, and when he brings his staff down with a good old, “You shall not pass!” . . . well, Xena plummets to her doom, and this time, Gandalf does not follow.

Winner:

Gandalf (77.5%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I think I may have underestimated the LOTR fans out there. Gandalf crushed Xena, and being honest, I don’t really see why. Don’t get me wrong: I like Gandalf, but Xena has to square off with GODS. A hand to hand fight? Not a chance. She’d kill him. I’m not nearly impressed enough with Gandalf’s spellwork to believe his wizardry gives him the upper hand. 

8. Killer Rabbit vs Jason

Jason is stalking around the woods, looking for more teenagers to kill, when he happens upon a cave. Thinking that it seems like just the kind of place that drunk idiots go to have sex, he marches over . . . but the Killer Rabbit is there, lying in wait, and before Jason can even lift his machete, the rabbit has flown over and decapitated him with a single bite.

Winner:

Killer Rabbit (68.29%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: This one was pretty close for the first couple of days, and then . . . it really wasn’t. Speed wins out in the end. At least in this fight.

9. The Bride vs Six

When the Cylons destroyed Earth, a whole lot of people died. One of them? The Bride’s daughter. The Bride immediately goes on what the movie advertisements called a roaring rampage of revenge against the Cylons. Six tried to bargain her way out of it, but no trickery, seduction, or price could appease The Bride, who took her Hattori Hanzo swords and chopped Six into bits.

Winner:

The Bride (70.27%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Two kick-ass blondes seemed like it would be an awesome fight . . . but yes, I must admit: The Bride would crush Six.

10. Worf vs Aeryn Sun

Worf goes through a wormhole and ends up in the Uncharted Terrorities. He’s quickly captured by some evil Sebaceans and thrown in one of those kill-or-be-killed gladiator rings that pops up at least once per action/adventure show. Also in the ring: Aeryn Sun. The two warriors battle without weapons, and the fight is epic . . . but, in the end, Worf’s natural Klingon strength overpowers Aeryn’s training. Worf gives her an honorable death.

Winner:

Worf (57.14%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Farscape is my very favorite sci-fi show, so I was kind of secretly voting for Aeryn the whole time . . . not to mention that she’s the underdog purely based on how prevalent Star Trek is. That being said, I love Worf too, so I was just happy to see the fight was fairly close up till the end. I think watching these two characters duke it out would be AWESOME.

11. Liu Kang vs Alice

Alice is drafted into the Mortal Kombat tournament. After bitchslapping Sonya Blade, Johnny Cage, and Sub-Zero into submission, she faces up against Liu Kang, who proves to be more of a challenge. Alice delivers a flying kick to Liu Kang’s head. He counters with a gravity-defying bicycle kick to her face and quickly follows up with a fireball. She ducks under the fireball just in time and shake part of the ceiling loose with her mind. It comes down on top of Liu Kang, seemingly crushing him . . . until he emerges a moment later, not as Liu Kang but as a dragon! He then proceeds to fly over and bite off Alice’s head.

Winner:

Liu Kang (52.94%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Another fierce battle that was a tie going into Monday. By the time I got up this afternoon, though, Liu Kang had persevered by a matter of two votes. I’d like to think that turning into a big dragon gives you the edge over a lot of things in life.

12. Marv vs Hellboy

Hellboy shows up in Sin City, and Marv—who gets confused—thinks that Hellboy is some guy that’s been killing women. They fight for a little while—Hellboy’s right hand of doom has surprisingly less effect against Marv than against other folks—but when Hellboy can’t get through that he’s not a bad guy, he finally just shoots Marv in the face. A lot.

Winner:

Hellboy (91.18%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Wow, not even a contest. This one was the closest we had to a flawless victory. Marv only managed to get three votes total.

13. Cyclops vs Blanka

Marvel vs Capcom, baby! Cyclops fights Blanka honorably at first, skill against skill alone, but once Blanka tries to electrocute his opponent, Cyclops has had enough. He backs up and fires an optic blast at Blanka that could take down an entire building. Blanka does not get back up.

Winner:

Cyclops (86.49%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I’m no huge fan of Cyclops—at least, not in the cartoons from the early 90’s, where I was always hoping something would just eat him already—but I can’t deny that he has a seriously powerful long distance weapon. If he sees you coming . . . you’ve probably already lost.

14. Seven of Nine vs RoboCop

Seven of Nine is back on Earth, and her Borg implants are acting up. Again. She tries to contact the Borg with secret codes that will enable them to conquer Earth. RoboCop shows up to stop her. She phasers him to no effect. He shoots at her, but her Borg shielding has started working again and stops the bullets cold. They fight hand to hand on the top floor of a tower at Starfleet Academy, and RoboCop manages to damage her shield tech and then throw her ass out the window.

Winner:

RoboCop (68.42%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Star Trek may beat out Farscape, but it does not beat out ROBOCOP.

15. MAX VS BULLSEYE

Bullseye has been hired by Manticore to track down all the transgenics. He finds Max at Crash and attempts to kill her with a peanut, but Max is too fast for that. She picks Bullseye up and throws him out on the street. They fight into a dark alley, Bullseye using everything he can find as a weapon—just because he can—but Max dodges it all, gets him to the ground, and easily breaks his neck.

Winner:

Max (66.67%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: So far, Max is only girl to face up against a boy in this tournament and survive.

16. The Kurgan vs Raizo

The Kurgan mistakes Raizo for an Immortal because, well. Because he’s not that bright. He attacks Raizo, and Raizo shadowblends for awhile, easily kicking the crap out of The Kurgan while trying to figure out what the hell this giant guy wants from him. Before he can explain the situation, however, The Kurgan lands a lucky blow and decapitates Raizo with one fell swoop.

Winner:

The Kurgan  (59.26%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Look, I’m a big Clancy Brown fan, and I love how deliciously over the top and evil he is in Highlander, but I can’t even pretend to get this. If you haven’t seen Ninja Assassin, that’s one thing, but if you have and still think The Kurgan could take him . . . sorry, no way. Raizo’s not just a normal ninja. He’s a SUPER-POWERED ninja. If it was up to me, he’d have this one, hands down. As is, The Kurgan lives to decapitate others another day.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m running a bit behind today, though, so I’ll probably post this week’s battles tomorrow evening. Come back then for more fictional bloodlust!

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11 Responses to Geek Battle of Blood, Week One — WINNERS!

  1. 13/16, not a bad round for me. I can give you Ripley over Sarah Connor, and, I guess, Kurgan over Raizo. But c’mon. The Slayer should have totally taken out the Daywalker.

  2. Brandon T. says:

    FYI on Gandalf: he is a lesser god in the Tolkein universe simply given the FORM of a old man.

    • Jim King says:

      Gandalf of the book would kill Xena easily, but he seemed really underpowered in the movie. Although a far lesser god – like, say, a Little League player compared to Babe Ruth – he could still kill a mere mortal. I assumed we were talking Evil Xena before she reformed. Gandalf and Good Xena wouldn’t fight.

    • Yeah it just isn’t Gandalf’s style to flaunt all his power.

      • Brandon T. says:

        It’s actually due to him being commanded by the Vala NOT to use his full power. The wizards were instructed that they couldn’t use their god-powers to *directly* confront Sauron. They were allowed only to use them to influence, or cause indirect things to happen. The few times Gandalf kicks ass are dire situations where no other options are available.

        Dude stabbed a flaming demon (Balrog) to death while falling down a nearly-bottomless chasm, *died*, and all it did was give him a new wardrobe and kick-ass white beard.

      • Jim King says:

        The wizards were instructed that they couldn’t use their god-powers to *directly* confront Sauron.

        I doubt they would have had to command him to do that since he couldn’t go toe-to-toe with Sauron anyway. From what I remember the Valar wanted to go that route because the last time the world was almost destroyed. No one’s saying he wasn’t powerful, but the Wizards were described as men who aged but more slowly. To me that says that they were still men once they took on that form – just very powerful men.

  3. Jim King says:

    The Kurgan beats the ninja only if Raizo doesn’t know that cutting his head off kills him permanently. Otherwise, I can see Raizo just getting tired.

  4. fatpie42 says:

    “The Kurgan mistakes Raizo for an Immortal because, well. Because he’s not that bright.”

    The Kurgan can only be killed by Immortals, but he’ll happily fight anyone he thinks is worthy of him.

    I’m still not convinced that Immortals in Highlander can actually be killed by non-immortals. I find it a bit annoying to imagine them being killed by, say, a large explosive.
    – “Well he was sort of decapitated. There were bits of him everywhere and some of those bits must have been his head.”
    – “So why don’t any of the other Immortals use explosives on each other then?”
    – *shrugs*

    • If we include the HIghlander series, there was one mentally disabled immortal that was decapitated via locomotive because he realized he couldn’t survive. Although I’m not sure if this counts in this situation because Duncan was still close enough to collect the quickening off him.

      • fatpie42 says:

        Um… what does “decapitated via locomotive” mean? Did he put his head on some train tracks? :S

        What do you mean “realised he couldn’t survive”? He was immortal, right?

        This is all very puzzling…

      • Jim King says:

        Um… what does “decapitated via locomotive” mean? Did he put his head on some train tracks? :S

        I remember that episode. He conveniently fell on the tracks just in time for a train to run over his neck.

        – “So why don’t any of the other Immortals use explosives on each other then?”

        In the original draft for the movie, the Kurgan talks about it being tradition. That doesn’t make sense to me. If I was an Immortal, I doubt I’d fight fair if I wanted to be the last one. Anyone remember that Buffy episode where she used a rocket launcher on a supposedly indestructible demon? I have a feeling that in a world where Highlander immortals are real, that would be a commonly used weapon.

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