The battles were fought. The results were brutal.
Only eight fighters remain standing now.
1. THE BRIDE VS THE KURGAN
After killing Six last week, The Bride has decided to channel her roaring rampage of revenge into a vicious venture of vigilantism. She targets the Kurgan for being, well, awful, and tracks him down to some random warehouse with lots and lots of windows. The Bride sneaks in, her Hattori Hanso sword raised, but the Kurgan instinctively feels her approach and easily blocks her first attack. He advances on her, snarling, but the Bride does not fear snarling. She also, unfortunately, doesn’t know that he’s an Immortal. She stabs him in the chest, and he just laughs at her. But he spends too much time laughing. While he’s busy telling her how weak she is and how soon she will die, The Bride pulls the sword back out of his chest and quickly decapitates him. All the warehouse windows blow up as the Quickening takes place.
Of course, the Bride can’t receive the Quickening. But she gets a good light show.
The Bride (57.14%)
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: From fairly early on, the Bride had this one in the bag. The Kurgan tried to make a comeback—he had a respectable 42.86% of the vote by the end—but he just could never quite catch up to The Bride and her awesome yellow motorcycle jumpsuit.
2. BATMAN VS ROBOCOP
OCP has extended its reach to Gotham. Their policy is to treat vigilantes as outlaws, so RoboCop is ordered to arrest Batman. When it becomes clear that Batman isn’t about to stop crimefighting or, for that matter, be arrested, RoboCop is then ordered to kill Batman.
The two duke it out in one of the seedier alleys. RoboCop draws his gun and shoots, but Batman easily dodges the bullets. Batman leaps and lands a kick to RoboCop’s head, but the cyborg is not moved. Hand to hand is not going in Batman’s favor, so he jumps backward and throws an electric-charged batarang. It buries itself in RoboCop’s chest and short-circuits his whole mainframe. Also, his brain. RoboCop falls over, dead.
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Batman’s come up against a lot of crazy opponents. I like RoboCop and all, but I’m pretty sure the Dark Knight could take down one cyborg. I am happy with these results.
3. HELLBOY VS GANDALF
Saruman captures Gandalf and decides to imprison him somewhere far worse than the top of his ridiculously tall tower: our world! Gandalf is unceremoniously dropped into the middle of the city, and when he starts causing huge traffic collisions and chaos by slamming his staff into the street and screaming, “You shall not pass!” to double-decker tourist buses, Hellboy is sent to stop him.
Hellboy tries to shoot Gandalf, but misses. Gandalf attacks Hellboy with some kind of fire spell, but Hellboy is immune to the flames. Gandalf then charges with his sword and staff. Hellboy is surprised by the wizard’s speed and strength and is cut up badly as he mostly fights back with his fists. His punches don’t land—Gandalf is quick to dodge or block them—and it seems like things are going bad for Hellboy . . . but then he brings his right hand of doom down on Gandalf’s staff, and it shatters. Gandalf falls, and Hellboy tries out his gun again. This time, he doesn’t miss.
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I thought I might have to break this tie, but when I got up this afternoon, Hellboy had emerged the victor by two votes. It was an exceptionally close battle all week, but I think, in the end, it was the gun over the sword.
4. WORF VS KILLER RABBIT
The Enterprise is thrown back in time. Again. Worf goes down to Earth with an away team, but gets separated due to a transporter malfunction. He finds himself in front of a cave that is decorated with the bones of many warriors . . . and one hockey mask. Worf is intrigued, wondering what manner of beast could have killed so many, and then he turns around and finds out. The rabbit is there, watching him.
Worf is uneasy because he thinks this creature might be some kind of long-earred cousin to the terrible tribble, but he will not shame his ancestors or his ship by running. Which is shame. The rabbit attacks, and it is too fast for Worf’s phaser. It flies in and chews out the Klingon’s throat.
Killer Rabbit (82.5%)
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Poor Worf. He didn’t stand a chance in this poll. I’m very amused by some of my friends—looking at YOU, Pat—who betrayed their Trekkie kind and voted for the Killer Rabbit. For shame, Pat. For shame. 🙂
5. ASH VS MAX
Ash gets sucked into a vortex and ends up in Terminal City. Surrounded by a bunch of scary looking mutants, Ash does what Ash does best . . . he starts killing them all. Because he’s not good or bad; he’s the guy with the gun, which means he doesn’t ask questions like, “Are you good mutants or bad mutants?” before he starts firing. Max takes some offense to that.
Ash fires his boomstick, but Max easily avoids the shots. She jumps up and delivers a swift kick to his face. He stumbles backwards. She tries to follow-up, but Ash is done playing now and raises his chainsaw arm. He goes on the offensive, charging, and Max is barely able to keep from being hit as she dodges each blow. Ash backs her up to a chainlink fence and tries to go in for the kill. Before he can deliver the final blow, however, Max catches Ash’s forearm. She’s stronger than Ash, and she turns his own chainsaw arm against him. The blades hits him in the stomach, nearly tearing him in half.
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: This was another close battle all week, and I was incredibly surprised to see Max win it . . . but happy too, because I think she’d slaughter him. Also, as awesomely cool as a chainsaw arm is, it’s rare when a chainsaw doesn’t actually end up being more trouble than it’s worth.
6. RIPLEY VS SELENE
Selene flees the Earth, looking for a little cozy spot for her and Michael to live where they won’t constantly be hunted down by vampires or werewolves. But this leads to a limited food supply, so Selene starts eating fellow star-travelers. Ripley highly objects to being eaten.
Selene chases Ripley around the ship, knocking her around a lot and generally playing with her food. Ripley tries shooting Selene, but Selene is unharmed. Ripley then considers going for the Power Loader, but she knows it will be too slow against the vampire. Instead, she tricks Selene by pretending to hide in the airlock. When Selene follows, Ripley punches her in the face and locks her inside. Then she ejects Selene into space.
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Selene was actually leading this fight for awhile, but towards the end of the week, Ripley and her general badassness took it back.
7. BLADE VS CYCLOPS
After slaying The Slayer, Blade leaves Sunnydale and starts looking for food elsewhere. When he hears about a school of super-powered mutants, Blade knows where he wants to go. Most of the X-Men are away fighting Sabertooth somewhere else, so while Professor X and Storm evacuate the children, Cyclops stands as the last line of defense for the mansion.
Cyclops blasts his optic lasers, but Blade is too fast for this. He gets close to Cyclops and the two fight hand to hand. Blade is stronger than Cyclops and wears him down, but Cyclops fires an optic blast to his chest. Blade goes flying backwards out of sight. Cyclops goes to finish the job, but Blade has disappeared. Cyclops looks around but doesn’t sense Blade behind him until too late. Blade bites into his neck and drinks up.
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Another battle narrowly won by Blade. This guy likes to make a comeback, I’m telling you.
8. IRON MAN VS LIU KANG
Like Alice before him, Iron Man is drafted into Mortal Kombat to fight against Liu Kang. Liu Kang makes some chicken noises and jumps up to do his famous gravity-breaking bicycle kick of doom. Iron Man shoots a missile at him. Liu Kang dies very, very abruptly.
Iron Man (86.49%)
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Our biggest knock-out of the night. Liu Kang only managed to get five votes total. I’d like to think his complete lack of body armor was a pretty huge factor there. I mean, seriously, Liu. You couldn’t even throw on a shirt? Pretend to not be so vulnerable?
That’s it for now. Week 3 Battles will be posted tomorrow.