Well, this is it. The final round, the Superbowl of fantasy fighting. A lot of worthy opponents have gone down in the last few weeks: Buffy, Ripley, Cyclops, Iron Man, the Killer Rabbit, etc. Only two remain standing.
Here is your last battle scenario:
BATMAN VS HELLBOY:
Batman and Hellboy are magically transported to Outworld where the two superheroes can fight on neutral ground for . . . some reason. (Ever played Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe before? Perhaps they’re both infected with glowy-eyed rage or something and don’t entirely know what they’re doing. Who cares, right? Pow! Smash!) Anyway, for those of you who don’t play Mortal Kombat, here is Outworld:
Hellboy attacks immediately, shooting his ridiculously large gun at Batman. Batman runs, jumps, and dodges these bullets, grappling upwards to one of the creepy ass statues and out of sight. Hellboy stalks around, trying to find him and occasionally shooting at the shadows above. In a signature move, Batman flies down from one of the statues and lands both heels squarely in Hellboy’s chest.
Hellboy staggers back a bit, not significantly hurt, but he does drop his gun to the ground. Batman kicks it away. The Dark Knight then attacks with a flurry and fists and feet. Being both highly skilled in martial arts and ninja-quick, he lands many blows, hurting Hellboy a bit. . . but mostly just pissing him off too. Hellboy lands less of his punches, but the ones that connect hit hard. His Right Hand of Doom comes down a few times, and while Batman’s body armor absorbs some of the blow, he’s definitely the more wounded of the two.
Changing tactics, Batman pulls a Bat Smoke Grenade out of his utility belt and throws it. The smoke rises quickly, and Hellboy turns around repeatedly, trying to find his opponent. As Hellboy starts feeling around, Batman throws his Bat Lasso around the demon and uses it to electrocute him, a little. Hellboy collapses to the ground. Batman goes to investigate—
—but Hellboy’s only playing dead. As soon as Batman gets close, Hellboy sweeps his arm around and slams his Right Hand of Doom into Batman’s left knee, audibly crunching it. Batman falls to the ground, releasing the Bat Lasso. Hellboy gets up and sees his gun lying only a couple of feet away. He punches Batman in the face once for good measure and picks up his gun.
Batman tries to get up, but he can’t even stand, much less try to jump away. He digs hastily at his utility belt just as Hellboy starts to turn around. And when Hellboy starts to aim his weapon, Batman pulls out his grapple gun and fires.
The grapple itself strikes Hellboy in the forehead, impaling him just underneath his horns.
Your Champion and Ultimate Winner:
The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Hellboy and Batman tied at twenty votes each, leaving me to be the tie-breaker . . . and I am certainly not objective. During most of the battles, I tried to ignore which character I liked best and focus on which character would actually win . . . but we’ve all got our blind spots . . . and, well. I have every live-action Batman movie, a handful of animated Batman movies, the first season of Batman: The Animated Series, Batman video games, Batman tennis shoes, a few Batman graphic novels, Batman Christmas ornaments, Batman Band-Aids, and Batman pajama pants that I’m actually wearing right now. So, yeah. Objectivity wasn’t on the menu today. Besides, while I know he’s just human and doesn’t have Hellboy’s natural strengths or immunities, I have a lot of faith in that utility belt of his. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he had Demon Repellant Bat Spray. You know. As one does.
Thanks everyone for playing! We’re going to take a week off of surveys to recuperate a bit, but next Monday I’ll have something new for you to vote on.