Okay, everyone. Here are your movies.
1. “If he gets up, we’ll all get up! It’ll be anarchy!”
I watched this movie about eighty billion times when I was in high school, so nearly ten years later, I’m still a little burnt out on it. But there’s something about this quote that just makes me giggle. Do you ever feel the need to just start yelling random things at passing strangers or work colleagues, just to see their faces? This is probably one of those things I would yell, if I were the kind of person prone to giving in to her spontaneous and/or psychotic impulses, that is.
2. “No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative!”
The only movie on this entire list that I haven’t actually seen. I know this quote from a Kanye West and Jay-Z song, but the line makes me laugh so much that I almost want to watch Blades of Glory. Almost, but not quite. I like some silly Will Ferrell movies—I enjoy Old School well enough—-but there’s something about him and Jon Heder as ice skaters that makes me facepalm. Still, I love this quote. It’s not the kind of thing you scream at passing strangers, though. More like something you yell at that ridiculously pretentious guy in your creative writing workshop that everyone hates. There’s always at least one.
3. “Welcome to Northern Overexposure, the story of a young doctor from New York who comes to Alaska, complains about everything, and freezes to death.”
First, massive props to Becky for getting this movie. I wasn’t actually sure other people had watched it.
Secondly, this is one of those weird little movies that I can’t really objectively judge because I have crazy childhood nostalgia for it. When I think of John Ritter, I always think of this movie first. It’s completely silly, but sometimes you need silly.
4. “Good shooting, Charlie. No such thing as a nice shooting.”
I wasn’t, ultimately, a huge fan of this movie, but there were a few quotes that really stuck with me, and this was one of them. At some point—probably far, far in the future, I really will make myself do a George A. Romero day and watch at least the first four in the series back to back. As is, I will at least be reviewing Day of the Dead sometime this year because it’s on my resolution list, even though I’m not expecting to like it.
5. “Don’t point that gun at him. He’s an unpaid intern.”
The first time I watched this movie, I felt disappointed. I thought some parts were kind of funny, but overall, I just wasn’t that impressed, especially considering how much I liked The Royal Tenenbaums. A couple of years later, I caught about thirty or forty minutes of Life Aquatic on TV, and I was cracking up the whole time. So I’d like to give it another go and watch it all the way through, if for no other reason than to see Matthew Gray Gubler stand in the background with the funniest hair I think I have ever seen.
6. “Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it’s marching across your face.”
I’ve read a lot of negative reviews for this movie recently—why recently, I don’t know, it’s only been out about, oh, twenty odd years or so—but again, I grew up with this movie, and I don’t feel a lot of shame for liking it, either. It’s funny. I love the chemistry between all the actresses. Sally Field always makes me cry near the end. Sure, it’s an estrogen-fueled adventure in a hair salon, but hey, at least it’s a good one.
7. “Can I have a bit of earth?”
Yes, this is another childhood favorite, probably the only movie in the whole world that’s ever even remotely inspired me to try my hand at gardening. (The early mornings that usually seem to come with the hobby prevent me from taking this aspiration more seriously. Well, that, and I live in an apartment, of course.) I think every kid wants to find some secret, beautiful place that’s all theirs, don’t they? I don’t know if this movie is anything particularly special, but there’s just something about it that makes me return to the film every few years.
8. “I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?”
I haven’t watched this one in awhile—I need to get it on DVD—but it’s one of my favorite teen romantic comedies. It came out about the same time as She’s All That, and this is definitely the better movie. From Allison Janney’s crazy guidance counselor to Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s sad puppy face to Heath Ledger singing, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”—this movie is made of win.
9. “You know how you got that dent in your top lip? Way back, before you were born, I told you a secret. Then I put my finger there and said, ‘Shhh.’”
I’m not as up on my angel mythology as I’d like to be, so let me ask you people: does the archangel Gabriel ever do anything particularly evil, or even just a little naughty? Because whenever you need an angel to go to the Dark Side, it’s always Gabriel. The Prophecy. Constantine. Legion. All evil Gabriel’s.
Well, regardless. The Prophecy is just good guilty pleasure fun. Elias Koteas and Virginia Madsen are perfectly acceptable, Eric Stoltz is enjoyable, and I love Viggo Mortsensen’s small part as the Devil, but let’s not kid ourselves here: this movie is all about Christopher Walken being awesome.
I love you, Mr. Walken.
10. “There’s a monster outside my room; can I have a glass of water?”
I know a lot of people hate this movie, but I’m not the Blasphemous Wench for nothing: this is my favorite Shyamalan film. Sure, you’d think aliens might do some basic research on the planet they’re about to invade, make sure they aren’t allergic to something that’s kind of found, oh, almost everywhere—but, guys, this is hardly a new trend in science-fiction movies. Aliens are apparently pretty dumb. Don’t believe me? Read this article over on Cracked.com. It’s hilarious.
More to the point, this was the first alien invasion movie I ever saw that really focused on just one family instead of, like, the whole world, and that was kind of a revelation for me. I love Joaquin Phoenix in this film. Gibson actually isn’t too bad himself, and if you need two really strong child actors, it’s hard to top Rory Culkin and Abigail Breslin.
11. “Ernest Hemingway once wrote, ‘The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.’ I agree with the second part.”
Oh, this movie. Love this movie. This has to be one of the strongest film conclusions, like, ever. Plus, it gave us, “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” (Yes, I didn’t use that quote. That’d be like asking people what movie “It’s just a flesh wound” came from. Not exactly a challenge.) This movie has so, so many good things going for it, but I just want to focus on one thing right now: if you’re making a film that requires narration, consider hiring Morgan Freeman or just scraping the voiceover entirely. I’m not saying he’s the only actor in existence who can narrate . . . but you know, sometimes it seems like it.
12. “I’m a boy. I’m a boy. I wish I were dead. I’m a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I boy.”
I watched this movie for the first time in . . . history class, I think, although I can’t for the life of me remember why we watched it in history class. Not that I care. I love this movie. Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe are funny, of course, but there’s something about Jack Lemmon here that just utterly charmed me. I would like to watch more of his movies. Anyone have any good recommendations? I liked The Apartment a lot, although it’s been a while since I’ve seen it, and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten a lot of it now. I’ve been thinking about trying out The Odd Couple at some point.
13. “The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!”
I love love love this movie, and the quote I chose is just one of those random lines that makes me smile every single time I think about it. This is my favorite Jason Reitman film. Nick Naylor is my favorite Aaron Eckhart role. (Yes, I’m including Harvey Dent.) I even think this might be Katie Holmes’s best role. (Although pretty much anything would be better than Rachel in Batman Begins.) And William H. Macy? The Merchants of Death? J.K. Simmons? Yeah, I couldn’t love this movie more if I tried.
14. “I have hated you for months, and now I have evidence that you suck as a person!”
I reviewed this movie fairly recently, so I’m not going to go into it too much, other than to say I think it’s well worth your time if you haven’t seen it. There’s not a bad performance in this film. It’s funny and smart and just very well done. There were a lot of really good quotes to choose from.
15. “You and your trained, exploding shark!”
Tell me you don’t want to have the opportunity to say that line someday. Tell me.
Clearly, I like pretty much every Batman story, even the most ridiculous. Especially the most ridiculous. This may very well be the most ludicrous movie in the history of the universe, but I can’t help but love it. It’s just so cheerfully absurd.
16. “I’ll come round sometime and get that squeak out of your door.”
Does that sound like a sexy quote? If you haven’t seen Chocolat, it probably doesn’t. If you have, and you’re into men, you should know that this is the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to anyone else EVER. You know how, in movies, women are always sighing in unison over some man who’s just so sexy? Yes, well, I have never actually seen this happen in real life except while watching Chocolat, where four of my friends and I all actually sighed out loud at the same time after Johnny Depp said that line. It was, quite possibly, the funniest and most ridiculous moment of my young life.
17. “Spandex: it’s a privilege, not a right.”
Because, well, it’s true isn’t it? I’m generally a big supporter of people wearing whatever the hell they want to wear—as long as I get to mock them mercilessly for it—but let’s be honest here: there are a lot of people you don’t want to see in spandex. Judge your bodies honestly, people. Don’t wear things you don’t have the body shape for. It actually makes you look worse.
Now, as far as Hackers goes . . . yes, it’s hopelessly outdated, but I kind of love it anyway. I remember watching it for the first time when I was twelve or thirteen, and I think we had just gotten the internet (we’re talking 1997, 98 folks), and my automatic reaction was, Um . . . is hacking really this . . . colorful?
I think I was a little disappointed—if not exactly surprised—to find out this was not exactly the case.
18. “Sometimes, I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!”
I can’t even explain why I like this movie so much—it seems like the kind of movie I would normally just hate—but I do enjoy it a lot. This move introduced me to Jake Gyllenhaal, Jena Malone, and just a ton of 80’s music that I didn’t know about (“Head Over Heels,” “The Killing Moon,” and “Under the Milky Way” for example. Oh, and “Mad World,” of course, although that’s actually just an 80’s cover.)
There’s something I particularly adore about Mary McDonnell in this movie—I’m not at all convinced that any other actress could have played her part so well. And of course Beth Grant is just such an awesome character actress. Her delivery of the quote above? Priceless. Another line that just makes me unreasonably happy.
19. “Look, I probably should have told you this before, but . . . well . . . insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
When I was about sixteen, I went to the California State Summer School for the Arts (see-sa), and I made friends with a girl who gave me a list of old movies I needed to watch. I’m ashamed to say I never I did watch most of them—I know there were at least two or three Audrey Hepburn movies on there, and I’ve never gotten around to watching any of her films. But I did watch this screwball comedy, and I fell in love with it immediately. And while I do like the quote above, it’s not actually my favorite in the film. My actual favorite is, “CHAAAAAAAAARGE!”, and someday I’m going to have a two-story house where I can yell this as I run up the stairs.
If you don’t understand that reference, watch the film. It’s a lot of fun.
20. “It’s not that we’re afraid. Far from it. It’s just that we’ve got this thing about death. It’s . . . not us.”
Finally, another movie I grew up on. I think I actually saw Spaceballs before I saw Star Wars, which might explain a few things about me. I’ve read a lot of people arguing that movies like Spaceballs or Robin Hood: Men in Tights simply can’t compare to Brook’s earlier work, but . . . to hell with them. I am a huge fan of Blazing Saddles, but I also absolutely adore Spaceballs, and the quote above . . . I could put that shit on a T-shirt. Hell, I’d put that on business cards.
Thank you, Barf, for encapsulating my life’s motto in twenty short words.