If Only You Actually Existed . . .

The sad thing about movies: they aren’t real. I know. You’re all reeling in collective shock right now. I’ll wait a moment.

. . . waiting . . .

Moment over. Thing is, if movies were real, there are all these places I’d like to go to. And I’m not even talking about taking a trip down the Golden Brick Road or hanging out with the elves in Rivendell or getting into a bar fight in the Mos Eisley Cantina. I mean businesses or establishments set on Earth that (mostly) could actually happen.

—okay, well, maybe not really, not all of them. But don’t you wish they could?

Here are the nominees up for consideration.

Jack Rabbit Slims from Pulp Fiction

This is the 1950’s restaurant to beat all 1950’s restaurants. You don’t sit inside a normal booth. You sit inside a car booth. You listen to excellent 50’s music. You’re served by the likes of Buddy Holly, Marilyn Monroe, and James Dean. They have the best milkshakes money can buy, and if you feel like dancing, there’s a contest with your name on it.

Jurassic Park from Jurassic Park

Okay, so things didn’t turn out so well for everyone involved, but if you could go on a day when a guy wasn’t stealing secrets and inadvertently causing a gigantic, people-are-being-eaten crisis . . . dude, you could go see dinosaurs. Real, living dinosaurs! (Maybe you should skip the velociraptors, though. Just in case.)

Empire Records from Empire Records

This isn’t just any music store. First off, just finding music stores nowadays is a treasure in itself. But besides having pretty much every record or CD ever made, Empire Records is the only music store where you’re likely to find everyone dancing in the aisles, and that includes good-looking employees who have stripped off their shirts for no apparent reason. Plus, there’s all kinds of good employee drama to watch, meaningful life lessons to learn, and booths to make out in. And if you’re a shoplifter, no worries. You might just get a job!

Lacuna Inc from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Everyone has people or things that they don’t want to remember. Would you pay money to delete them from your brain forever? It’s easy to say no, that your memories are what make you who you are, but I bet there are some of you out there, maybe even most of you out there, who would be happier without the ghosts of your pasts or the skeletons in your closet holding on. (Or at least that night in Cabo that you never, ever want mentioned again.)

Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Come on. You want to know what a snozberry tastes like. Everyone does. You can run around a room and eat everything you want, the grass, the flowers, the trees. You can lick candy off a wall. You can levitate to the ceiling and belch your way down. It’s a chocolate lover’s nirvana! Just remember: the chocolate factory comes hand-in-hand with Oompa Loompas. And you might want try to avoid the creepy hell tunnel, too.

Rekall from Total Recall

Sure, there’s a possibility that your brain could be fried and you could end up a drooling vegetable, but what’s life without risk? How incredible would it be to have a virtual reality fantasy where you can go anywhere, do anything? You can be a secret agent. You can be with that man of your dreams. You can explore the boundaries of the universe, all while lying down.

Poll closes on Monday, April 2nd. Results will be posted later that day.

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