I cannot begin to tell you what an amazing experience Clarion West has been for me. (Actually, I can and will, but not right now, twenty minutes before class.) However, it hasn’t exactly left me a lot of time for updating the blog, and I didn’t prepare as many posts ahead of time as I would have liked. I did, however, find a survey that I had made for my friends years ago, so I thought, why the hell not adapt it for My Geek Blasphemy?
So welcome to the . . .
What If Your Life Was Infinitely Cooler and Could Be Material For a Movie Survey!!!
1. Say that your life is imminent danger, and people want you dead. Well, you don’t want to be dead. Which of these fictional characters would you hire to be your bodyguard?
And no . . .
Kevin Costner is not an option.
2. Well, you and your bodyguard must have had a falling out because you now seem to be quite alone in a serial killer’s basement. Well. The serial killer is there too, somewhere. As you creep around in the dark, you find a table with three weapons on it: a gun with a single bullet, a four-inch knife, and a stick of dynamite with a few matches. For some reason, you can only pick up one weapon. Why? Who knows? Let’s just say if you try and pick up more than one weapon, you’ll spontaneously combust.
Maybe you should have gone with Kevin Costner after all.
3. Well, whatever weapon you picked, it didn’t work. Good job, you. Thankfully, a superhero bounds in and saves the day. Your gratitude is so overwhelming that you’ve decided to ignore whatever job or career you were previously working at and become a superhero yourself. Of course, the first step to becoming a superhero is being someone else’s sidekick.
Yes, not all of these superheroes traditionally come with sidekicks. Tough. Pick one anyway.
4. Let’s be honest: you’re not really made out for the superhero life. After all, it’s a lot of work, and you’re not an alien who can just turn back time by flying really, really quickly. You’re just about to give up on the dream when, one day, a truck coming from some nearby top secret government facility accidentally splashes you radioactive goo, and voila! You have superpowers!
And yes . . .
I may have basically stolen Alex Mack’s origin story. What of it? HELLS YES to 90’s Nickelodeon!
5. Finally, now that you are your own superhero—to hell with that sidekick bullshit; you have POWERS—clearly, you need your own soundtrack. Sadly, your soundtrack will consist of music only sung by one artist or group, much like Batman only got to listen to Prince back in 1989. As you’re fighting the bad guy, brooding in your superhero lair, dashing to the rescue, and kissing the girl or guy in distress, who do you want to be listening to?
And no, you can’t pick Whitney Houston either. It’s not allowed.
Assuming more than two people respond, I’ll compile results and present them in a semi-entertaining fashion probably next week.
My Geek Blasphemy 
Of the possible protectors, most of them seem pretty used to people in their care being unexpectedly murdered. John McClane always seems way out of his depth with villains even if he wins against the odds in the end. Plissken and Ripley might seem pretty badass, but they’ve had plenty of people suddenly die on them. James Bond might seem like a good bet, but he is often rather non-plussed at deaths happening around him. Jason Bourne lost his gf (or was it wife by then) but he seemed legitimately peeved by it and he wasn’t really in “constantly keeping a watchful eye for danger” mode at the time. Admittedly one of the most annoying moments for me in The Bourne Identity was when he manages to run right round and appear behind a sniper. With borderline MAGIC tactics available like that, I should be pretty safe.
Not keen on getting too close to a serial killer and if they managed to get past Jason Bourne they’re probably clever enough to avoid the explosive. (We’ll leave aside how suspicious it is to find these weapons lined up ready for me to use, so anyway…) Once I’ve fired the gun, that gun could also be relatively effective when I hit the serial killer with it, so I’m inclined to pick the gun.
Spider-Man’s too quick and Superman’s just way too powerful. There’s no way I’m going to be able to keep up with them. Thor can use his hammer to fly so he’s probably going to be awkward to keep up with too. Batman and Wolverine consider themselves lone wolves, so that could lead to conflict. Just being near Hulk is hazardous (and if he’s just going to be Bruce Banner then he’s not going to be much help). Captain America has the worst understanding of camouflage ever. (Seriously, bright blue and red? In a WWII secret army base surrounded by people wearing mostly grey? Great plan… *sigh*) So my final choice is Iron Man (who appears to have some spare Iron suits on offer), plus while he’s a bit eccentric he can also pile on the charm at times too.
Flying isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Without super-speed, you aren’t going to be able to fly very fast. Without super-strength, hitting anything is going to cause quite severe damage (and getting things in your eye is likely to happen pretty often). Super strength might be cool, but would be better united with super healing (which in turn is pretty rubbish on its own). Invisibility (even presuming your clothes become invisible too) is pretty tough to make use of. What’s slightly better is shapeshifting, whereby you can adopt the look of someone who is supposed to be there. So long as nobody sees you change, there’s a lot of potential.
I felt pretty limited by the music choices, feeling that something like Iron Maiden might be more appropriate. Ended up choosing Radiohead because there’s a fairly wide range of stylistic options, but I think whatever Radiohead song I choose it’ll give me a bit of a random and weird style (which might work).
Flying sounds cool to me, but I’m too worried about the day when it stops working because I flew over a cabbage patch full of kryptonite or something. Other abilities are considerably less dire when they stop working all at once.
I’m a bit torn on Iron Man. The suit would be awesome and if he likes you, Tony Stark can buy you pretty much anything. On the other hand, I feel like having to be around him all the time would be . . . trying. Unless I occasionally got to hit him. I mean, he is massively charming, but he’d also be obnoxious if you had to always be with him.
Now I love Batman, but choosing to be his sidekick just seems to be asking for trouble, historically speaking.
Well, only one of them died, right? And he came back eventually. Admittedly, possibly not entirely sane, but he DID come back.
James Bond will protect me and ill get to attend the best parties at the same time.
I hope the serial killer’s method of killing isn’t with a high power long range weapon cause i picked the knife and I would at least like to get close enough to try it out on him.
For the sidekick thing it was at first a tossup between Batman and Iron Man but then I remembered that Batman’s sidekicks tend to be young boys in red spandex, so I said “Hell yeah I’ll be War Machine Mark 2.”
I figured that shape shifting would be the least annoying super power because if I wanted to take the day off i could just become someone else and not have to help out.
I also felt really constrained by the music choices but figured that Johnny Cash at least had some really dark songs for when I’m brooding in my lair.
Shape shifting also lets me set up an alter ego that can become a super villain when I’m just bored with being good. Hmm and my normal music seems to fit this theme much better anyway.
Shapeshifting would be pretty awesome for either superhero or supervillain. I hadn’t thought of that. Keeping a secret identity just got so much easier!
1. James Bond. I’ve never seen a James Bond movie, but I think he’s a lot more on top of things than most of the others, who tend to make it through by the skin of their teeth. I figured that would bode well, although fatpie42 makes a good point.
2. The knife. I don’t think I’ve even held a gun, or a stick of dynamite, and I get as many tries with the knife as I can fit in before being killed. That makes up for the short range.
3. Spiderman? IDK, he seems fun. Iron Man would be too, but his alcolism could be a problem.
4. Telekinesis. I too feel that a lot of the other powers would be hard to make much use of on their own. And I’m sure I could find some ways this would be handy in my everyday life, too, which is always a big deciding factor with superpowers.
5. Johnny Cash, just ’cause I like him the best.
Oh, I saw an interview a few days ago with Stan Lee and Allison Scagliotti where he had an idea for the best superhero power – luck. So if you wanted to sneak into an enemy base, the guard would be asleep. If the villain had captured your girlfriend, she’d escape. And so on. I have to agree with him, I would totally pick that if it was an option.
Luck would be pretty awesome. I always kind of wanted to write a story (which may or may not be a true superhero story) where her superpower was pretty much just intuition, only a lot better than other people’s. Still. I like the idea of luck.
The luck superpower has been done before. Check out the Red Dwarf episode “Quarantine”. (Really good episode too.)
4. Telekinesis is probably what I would pick because I could and would use it every single day. I would be such a lazy bastard. It would be awesome.
5. That’s a perfectly valid reason 🙂
Luck powers: Black Cat, Domino, Longshot (and that’s just Marvel.)
Fun survey. I’ve missed the Monday Polls that you used to do.
I choose to be Justin Long from Live Free or Die Hard. John McClane has essentially transformed into a superhero over the course of the Die Hard franchise. Dude can do anything, and he seems to have a better track record than the others at keeping people alive. I like Ripley, but she has a tendency of being the sole survivor. Dirty Harry’s too much of a curmudgeon. If I had a vagina I’d pick Bond, but I don’t think he cares as much about protecting another dude. While I’m being killed, he’d be at the bar having a shaken-not-stirred martini while hitting on some beautiful woman. Snake I’m too unfamilar with. I’ve seen Escape from New York once a long time ago; don’t remember much about it. I considered Jason Bourne, but I think he has too many issues.
If you had specified that the serial killer is Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees or something, I would’ve chosen the gun or dynamite. But since most serial killers are just balding white men who aren’t physically intimidating, I want the weapon I can use more than once.
The sidekick question came down to Iron Man or Batman. All the other superheros are fighting aliens and mutants and gods and whatnot. I would die the first day on the job. Iron Man and Batman, however, don’t have superpowers. Batman could teach me martial arts and hook me up with a kickass utility belt, but Iron Man could give me one of his spare suits so that I could fly around and shoot missles and take out bad guys. Plus a playboy Tony Stark would be better company than a brooding Bruce Wayne. Not to mention the the skyscraper mansions compared to the dark, dank cave.
As a kid I often fantasized about being invisible, mainly just so I could venture unseen into the girls’ locker room. So there’s that. LOL. Plus I think it’d be fun to just follow random people home and see what their lives are like. The only time people are truly themselves is when they’re alone, so it’d be a fascinating study of human nature. I could spy on celebrities, politicians, etc, see what they’re really like. Plus I could live in their huge mansions and play with their cool toys while they’re away. This is why I hope ghosts exist, just so I can get my voyeur on after I’m dead and fuck with random people.
For the soundtrack, maybe I should’ve chosen to be Batman’s sidekick if it mean listening to Prince all the time. The only artists that I’m a fan of in the poll are: AC/DC, The Beatles, and Johnny Cash. I’m mainly a classic rock guy, though, so I choose AC/DC. If LMFAO was my soundtrack I’d probably commit suicide.
I think I got a little burnt out on the polls but I’ll probably start doing them again, just maybe a bit more infrequently.
I think Tony might get a little trying after awhile, but I’ll admit, cool as Batman is, hanging out with someone who constantly broods is probably not as fun as it sounds.
I, on the other hand, was sorely tempted to pick LMFAO. But then figured I would probably die during my fight scene when ‘Shots’ came on and I started laughing hysterically 🙂
Mekaela, I love you, and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.