The Results To The Best Survey Ever Known To Mankind!

Well, I (finally) have results for you. Oh, and there are alluded to spoilers for The Bourne Supremacy. Just so you know.

1. Your life is imminent danger. Which fictional character do you hire as a bodyguard?

Jason Bourne narrowly wins the role of Bodyguard with 32.14% of the vote. Franka Potente and I think y’all are crazy for picking the action hero who actually lets the bad guys kill the girl, but we are outruled. John McClane came in a close second and right behind him was James Bond. For my money, I’d pick John McClane. He never let a sidekick or love interest bite it in a sequel.

Total Loser Award goes to Snake Plissken. Snake’s pretty awesome, but I guess I can’t fault for you that one. I don’t know if I’d trust him as a bodyguard, either.

2. Well, either way, Jason Bourne abandons you, and you end up in that basement with only one weapon to defend yourself. The weapon you pick?

The knife. (I could have taken a picture of a knife, but I decided that you probably didn’t need the visual aid. Really? You do? All right then.)

That is a knife.

Of course, there’s always one crazy bastard who picks the dynamite. (Actually, there were three of you. Good for you, bold people who trust themselves with explosives.) A good chunk of voters preferred a gun with only one bullet, but 50% of you apparently don’t trust your aim and would take the knife that has the potential to be used more than once. And considering I’ve never shot a gun in my life, I’m with you on that one.

3. When a superhero saves you from the basement, you decide to become a sidekick. Which superhero would you most like to sidekick for?

I’m not sure if I would want to sidekick for Iron Man — I think I’d need to punch Tony Stark in the face every now and then — but he does have the best toys, and you can be sure he’d throw a killer party. Batman came in second place with 23% of the vote (and I probably would have picked him, although it’s hard to be objective about that, and Robyn does have a very good point about his sidekicks, considering Red Hood and Oracle and all). Thor came in a very close third place.

Nobody wants to be The Hulk’s sidekick for probably fairly obvious reasons. No one wants to be Superman’s sidekick, either, and I can only assume that’s because he’s so immensely boring.

4. Eventually, you get your own superpower. If you could choose, you would pick . . .

No, not to be that kid. To be telekinetic, like that kid is. (And if you haven’t seen it, I’d still highly recommend Chronicle. It’s a pretty awesome movie.)

There are a lot of other abilities that sound pretty nifty — shapeshifting took silver and invisibility and rapid healing tied for a distant third — but the convenience of telekinesis . . . think about how quickly you could tidy your place before visitors come over. Think about the seven seconds you could save making a beer (or a soda) float over to you while you sat on the couch watching movies. As a lazy bastard, telekinesis is totally my ability of choice.

The only thing no one wants to be, apparently, is telepathic. I expect that depends on exactly how telepathic you are. There are certain things you don’t want to know about people. Sometimes, though . . . sometimes, it’d be a good thing to have on your side.

5. Finally, if you had to pick one artist or group to listen to for your action movie soundtrack . . .

This was a fairly tight race, probably because a few of you expressed some dissatisfaction with the available choices. Ha ha. System of a Down narrowly won with Beastie Boys and AC/DC tying for second and The Beatles, Radiohead, and Johnny Cash tying for third. The only group that didn’t get picked at all was LMFAO, and that made me a tiny bit sad. I mean, I wouldn’t have picked them either, but I can’t lie: I like some of their songs, and the idea of having a fight scene to “Shots” makes me smile too, Mek.

That’s it for now. Thanks, everyone, for playing.

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