“I Was In The Hall . . . I Know Because I Was There.”

My sister challenged me to write a review for Clue. I laughed at her. Then I tried it.

Warnings for self-indulgent nostalgia.

SUMMARY:

The first movie ever based on a board game. Also the best movie based on a board game. (That’s not entirely fair since I haven’t actually seen Battleship, but to hell with it.)

Six strangers are invited to a creepy house for a dinner party. It’s all fun and blackmail and monkey brains until someone gets killed, and the guests have to find out who the murderer is before the police arrive.

NOTES:

1. This is less of a review and more of a semi-ordered list of squee and light snark. Okay, that sounds like all my reviews, but what I’m trying to say here is that you shouldn’t be looking at this for objectivity because you will find none here. Let’s not even pretend about that.

Now. I love Clue. I LOVE it. I have said this before, and I will probably say it again. I can’t actually remember the first time I watched this movie. It just seems to be something that’s always existed. It’s also one of the two movies that I tormented my mother with by watching over and over and over again. (Actually, I think she liked it better when I was two years old and watching Cinderella non-stop. It was my sister who detested that particular phase and tried to hide the movie from me, the fiend. Thankfully, Mek was on board a few years later when it came to obsessively watching Clue and driving our mother mad. Yay, fun times.)

As this is such a giant nostalgia movie for me, I never know if I should recommend it to people. Or, rather, I will recommend it, but I’ll usually attach the “I’ve watched this movie since I was a kid” caveat because I don’t know how an adult watching Clue for the first time would react to it, particularly with the switches in tone. I mean, I’d like to think it’s clearly a silly movie the very second Wadsworth steps in dog shit, but it does seem to start out life as a quieter comedy before it progresses into Full Out Wackiness. Clearly, I don’t consider this a bad thing, but I just can’t guess how other people will react to it.

2. It can’t be said enough . . . Tim Curry is amazing.

Tim Curry, in fact, is the epitome of awesome, and while I love him in a ton of movies . . . clearly . . . this is my favorite role of his to date, and I have a really hard time seeing that changing any time in the near future. He plays Wadsworth, the butler, and he’s just . . . he’s just awesome. At first, he’s fairly dry, and that’s excellent enough —

Wadsworth: “I’m merely a humble butler.”
Colonel Mustard: “What exactly do you do?”
Wadsworth: “I buttle, sir.”

— but later on, when everything gets full on zany, Wadsworth runs around the house, reenacting pretty much every scene in the film thus far to explain whodunnit, and it’s hysterical. I really like all the other actors, particularly Lesley Ann Warren, Madeline Kahn, and Eileen Brennan, but this is clearly Tim Curry’s movie. His impression of Mrs. Peacock screaming will make me smile every time I think of it.

3. While we’re on acting, though, I should mention that the role of Miss Scarlet was not originally awarded to Lesley Ann Warren. Instead, this woman was supposed to play her:

That’s right, Carrie Fisher. Princess Leia was supposed to play Miss Scarlet and would have, if she hadn’t ended up in rehab a few days before shooting. Now, I like Carrie Fisher, but it’s hard for me to picture her as Miss Scarlet because I like Lesley Ann Warren so much here. I like scheming, sexy, business-oriented women, and Warren nails that for me in Clue. Not every strong female character has to be a badass superhero in leather. I am perfectly content with funny cutthroats in pretty dresses.

I wanted to rock this dress so badly as a child.

3. Both Mrs. Peacock and Mrs. White have notable speeches throughout the movie. Mrs. Peacock’s is early on at the dinner table, and whenever Mek and I watch this film, she recites this rapid-paced monologue. I, on the other hand, deliver Mrs. White’s little speech about flames. (Madeline Kahn improvised that whole thing, by the way.)

I did consider videotaping a performance for y’all for approximately six seconds and then came to my senses. Sorry. My sensibility doesn’t have much of a lag time. Anyway, I can hardly compete with Madeline Kahn.

In fact, the only person who can compete with Madeline Kahn? Tim Curry. These two are AWESOME together in this movie. “Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be left alone with you.” Heh heh heh . . .

4. There are a few inconsistencies or continuity problems with Clue, most of which I ignore because, seriously, I can’t hear bad things about this film, and anything that doesn’t make sense just becomes a part of the fun. Still, there is one part of the movie where they totally show a character in two different places at the same time, and that’s a bit problematic. Like I said, though, the occasional bit of bad editing is just part of my movie experience now. It’s fun to laugh at.

5. A few of my favorite scenes in the movie:

A: When everyone runs into each other on the staircase.
B: Wadsworth reenacting the whole movie. (Pretty much the last thirty minutes, really.)
C: The I-will-cut-off-your-testicles-and-then-also-your-head look Mrs. White gives to Colonel Mustard when he says, “Too late.”

6. Also, about six thousand quotes:

Mrs White: “Maybe he wasn’t dead!”
Professor Plum: “He was!”
Mrs. White: “We should have made sure.”
Mrs. Peacock: “How, by cutting his head off, I suppose.”
Mrs White: “That wasn’t called for.”

Colonel Mustard: “How did you know that?”
Wadsworth: “Can you keep a secret?”
Colonel Mustard: “Yes.”
Wadsworth: “So can I.”

Mr. Green: “Well, he couldn’t have been dead.”
Professor Plum: “He was! At least, I thought he was, but what difference does that make now?”
Miss Scarlet: “It makes quite a difference to him.”

Religious Pamphlet Guy: “But your souls are in danger!”
Mrs. Peacock: “Our lives are in danger, you beatnik.”

Wadsworth: “Why would anyone want to kill him twice?”
Miss Scarlet: “It seems so unnecessary.”
Colonel Mustard: “It’s what we call ‘overkill’.”
Professor Plum: “It’s what we call ‘psychotic’.”

Professor Plum: “What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?”
Mrs. Peacock: “No, just death, isn’t that enough?”

Miss Scarlet: “Why would he want to kill you in public?”
Wadsworth: “I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.” (rolls eyes)

Miss Scarlet: “Why has the car stopped?”
Professor Plum: “It’s frightened.”

Mrs. Peacock: “Everything all right?”
Colonel Mustard: “Yep, two corpses, everything’s fine.”

7. Finally, before spoilers, I should mention something I never caught after 247 times of watching this movie because, apparently, I’m just not that clever. While eating dinner, Professor Plum says that he works for a branch of the World Health Organization, which is a branch of the United Nations Organizations. And what does this mean, people who love acronyms?

It means that Professor Plum works for U.N.O. W.H.O.

Oh, Clue, you witty bastards.

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

SPOILERS

First, a few more favorite quotes that are a bit more spoiler-y.

Wadsworth: “I suggest we take the cook’s body into the kitchen.”
Colonel Mustard (exasperated): “Why?”
Wadsworth: “I’m the butler. I like to keep the kitchen tidy.”

Wadsworth: “Three murders?”
Mr. Green: “Six altogether.”
Wadsworth: “This is getting serious.”

Also, I always quite enjoy the shooting of the singing telegram girl.

I! Am! Your Singing Telegram! BANG!

Funny thing about that: I cut my hair last week, and one of the nurses I work with swears I look like Jane Wiedlin from The Go-Go’s. (I’m not a dead ringer or anything, but I can at least see what she’s talking about, unlike half the other celebrities I’ve been compared to over the years.) Until approximately seven seconds ago, I never knew that Jane Wiedlin played the Singing Telegram Girl in Clue. Seriously, I love weird shit like this.

Anyway, I’m not doing a recap of this movie or anything. (For one, I’m lazy. For another, I’m okay with people reading my reviews of shitty movies so they don’t have to watch the movies themselves — and here I thought there was no altruism in my soul, ha! I’m a wonderful person; I’m a saint; I’m providing a public service here — but this is not a shitty movie, so you have to watch it on your own.) I really only created a spoiler section so I could talk about the ending . . . or, more accurately, the movie’s three endings.

If you have not seen Clue and are reading this . . . well, first off, shame on you. Second, the movie has three alternate endings. They go like this:

A. Miss Scarlet is the bad guy, and Yvette is her (now dead) accomplice. Wadsworth is a secret cop.
B. Mrs. Peacock is the bad guy. Wadsworth is a secret cop.
C. Everyone is the bad guy except Mr. Green. But Wadsworth is especially the Bad Guy because he’s not actually a butler or a secret cop but the real Mr. Boddy, who’s been blackmailing everyone.

Apparently, when people went to see Clue in theater, they would see one of the random different endings. So Betty could have gone to Showing A and Julie could have gone to Showing B, and when they went to eat pie afterwards and talk about it, Julie would be all like, What do you mean, Mrs. Peacock did it? How many shrooms did you take before you went to the movie? It was Miss Scarlet, remember?

And this, well, this is just all kinds of awesome. I kind of love this movie for fucking with the audience. You can randomize the endings on the DVD as well and see which ending you come up with . . . but I actually can’t do that, myself, because I didn’t see this movie in theater; I saw it on VHS. And on VHS, the endings just came one after the other with little title cards that say things like “But here’s what really happened.” So it’s really just not Clue for me if the movie doesn’t stop, rewind, and start all over again a couple of times. Like an early version of Run Lola Run.

The only thing that makes me a little sad about Clue is that I kind of want Wadsworth to get away with it, probably because I care a lot more about Tim Curry than I do about Michael McKean.

Not that Michael McKean is bad, not at all. He’s just not TIM CURRY.

Sadly, in the third ending, Michael McKean — that is, Mr. Green — is the secret cop, and he shoots Wadsworth dead. (He also reveals he is neither gay nor near-sighted because we all know that dashing secret agents can’t like men or wear glasses. This is a bit unfortunate and probably the only thing I would change about this movie if I could, but I can’t, so I just choose to ignore it.)

According to IMDb, there actually was a fourth ending scripted where Wadsworth poisoned all the guests at dinner and then tried to escape in a squad car and was randomly eaten by a Doberman or something, but apparently everyone decided it would be better if this ending did not exist on film. I kind of have to agree . . . but the ludicrous nature of it kind of makes me wish it was at least a deleted scene or something.

And . . . well, I guess that’s about it. It’s funny how much easier it is to go on and on about the movies that you despised instead of the ones you adored.

CONCLUSIONS:

Superlove.

MVP:

Tim Curry. Obviously.

GRADE:

A

MORAL:

Don’t accept dinner invitations from people you’ve never met, particularly when they live out in the middle of nowhere in some creepy house on a hill.

Oh, and if you have a gun while a mysterious person is killing people left and right? You don’t just throw that gun in the middle of the floor and leave it behind.

Yvette, you totally deserved to die.

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11 Responses to “I Was In The Hall . . . I Know Because I Was There.”

  1. Teacups says:

    Damnit, I could’ve gotten Clue yesterday when I was in the DVD rental shop, if only I’d thought of it. Oh well, I’ll get it next week instead, and be shamed no longer. Yay for Tim Curry!

    • Teacups says:

      The shop didn’t have it, but I got it somewhere else and watched it last weekend – after hearing good things about it for ages, so you know, finally.

      It was okay as a quieter comedy, but I didn’t really get into it until people started dying and it got more slapstick-y. There were so many quick jokes I adored, like everyone gathering around to stare intently at Mrs Peacock for signs of impending death, or Tim Curry “catching,” her, as well as the more elaborate ones – the corpse makeout made me laugh out loud, as did Tim Curry and Miss Scarlett’s argument about whether the gun had any bullets left in it or not. And I especially love that, as the secret special agent man, he was wrong.

      I’m torn about which my favourite ending was. I did love that joke, but I also really liked the idea that everyone in the party was the murderer (except for Mr Green) but then, I wasn’t a big fan of the “I’m going home to have sex with my wife,” line either, and since they were my two favourites, I would prefer he and Miss Scarlett to not end up dead or arrested, like in the second ending. But that was my least favourite otherwise…

      • SPOILERS: The second ending is probably my least favorite ending too, not because I really dislike the ending, but I think I just prefer how Lesley Ann Warren and Tim Curry play Villain. And I like the last ending especially because I like everyone being murderers, even if that means that (sob) Tim Curry bites it.

        I like the whole movie (clearly) but when Tim Curry starts recapping the whole film and the music gets all super zany . . . that’s when I start bouncing around my couch like a maniac, so that’s probably what makes the whole film. And yeah, one of my other favorite parts I forgot to mention is when everyone’s staring at Mrs. Peacock, waiting for her to drop dead. That’s hilarious.

  2. Claire says:

    My whole family loves this movie! And quoting it.
    More quotes:
    Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
    Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
    Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
    Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn’t a very good illusionist.

    Colonel Mustard: This is war, Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that.
    Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!

    When I was a kid I went thru a Without a Clue watching phase.

  3. Susan says:

    Clue is just awesome. I didn’t see it when I was little because my Mom told me it was silly & stupid. More like clever and hilarious. I just watched again last week(because it’s free on amazon.com’s awesome prime instant video thingy).

    PS. Ti West loves clue.

  4. RobertS says:

    O.M.G. This brings back a few memories, and for me this film has the distinction of being one of the first I wore the video tape out 🙂

    I always remembered also the innocent look on the dogs face after Mr buttle put his foot in it lol

  5. Steven says:

    I love Clue. One of my favorite moments that hasn’t been mentioned here yet is when they sing “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and bust into three part harmony, with Madeline Kahn doing her tentative descant that kind of trails off at the end. Other great Madeline Kahn moments: When she throws off her hat in a rage (“PLEASE!”) and when she tosses her glass in a rage (“Does anybody know what’s going ON HERE?!”)…Rewatching it the other day, I became aware of one little inconsistency i hadn’t noticed before: Miss Scarlett’s behavior when she is left alone in the ballroom while everyone is searching the house. The wind is blowing the curtain and she’s clearly scared. This isn’t in keeping with the first ending where she and Yvette are the killers. She would have no reason to be scared or even act scared if she were left in a room by herself.

    • Madeline Kahn is awesome in this movie. I also like “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” I love how abruptly they stop singing it as soon as Mrs. Peacock is out the door.

      Rewatching it the other day, I became aware of one little inconsistency i hadn’t noticed before: Miss Scarlett’s behavior when she is left alone in the ballroom while everyone is searching the house. The wind is blowing the curtain and she’s clearly scared. This isn’t in keeping with the first ending where she and Yvette are the killers. She would have no reason to be scared or even act scared if she were left in a room by herself.

      You know, I don’t think that ever occurred to me before. Funny.

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