Coming Soon-Ish: Feral Children, Chainsaws, and Abraham Lincoln, Sans Vampires . . .


Yay, a new spook story by Guillermo del Toro. My interest in the plot is actually only so-so, but I really want to see Nikolaj Coster-Waldau outside of Game of Thrones, and I’d like to see Jessica Chastain in anything. (She’s supposed to be an amazing actress, but she rarely pops up in anything I have interest in.) So it’s a maybe. Creepy kids may be a cliche, but they can also be pretty effective. Anyway, it has to be better than Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, right?


God, this movie has such an amazing cast. Here are some of the people in Lincoln: Daniel Day Lewis, David Strathairn, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Jackie Earle Haley, Jared Harris, James Spader, John Hawkes, Lee Pace, and Walton Goggins. And yet . . .

And yet I just don’t care. I don’t. I’m not saying it’ll be a bad movie. It’s a Spielberg film designed to win Oscars. Of course it’ll be a good movie. I just have no interest in seeing it at all. Biopics are generally a hard sell for me, certainly biopics about people as well known and revered as Abraham Lincoln. If I have to watch a biopic, I’d rather watch a smaller story and probably about someone I know nothing about. Oooh, or the story about how Lincoln’s body nearly got stolen that one time. That might make an interesting film.

Stand Up Guys

Much to my surprise, I’m actually interested in this one, and I haven’t been interested in an Al Pacino movie in . . . God, I don’t even know how long. I do like Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin, though, and there’s something about this trailer that catches my attention. I have a fondness for depressing black comedies . . . at least when the humor is done right. (Which is, admittedly, a hard thing to do.) Watching this trailer, my mind kept flashing back to In Bruges. If the balance between dark and funny works as well here as it did there, this could be kind of awesome.

Although. I think I’ll be disappointed if Christopher Walken doesn’t actually kill Al Pacino by the end of the movie.

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Yawn. You know a franchise has gotten ridiculously overblown when they just start lopping words off the title. I fully expect that by the time 2020 comes around, we’ll be watching Texas 3D. Massacres and chainsaws not required.

Seriously, I enjoy the original film, and I have written often and passionately about the mid 90’s version with Renee Zellwegger and Matthew McConaughey. (Chainsaws really were optional in that film — Random Cross-Dressing Leatherface swings one around a bit but fails to ever actually kill anyone with it.) But this franchise has the most ludicrously complicated timeline I’ve ever seen with so many sequels and prequels and remakes that I’m honestly not sure how to order it. And this particular installment doesn’t seem like anything special. If I’m going to waste my time with one of these films, I’d rather try the one with Matt Bomer in it.

And finally . . . The Oranges

Allison Janney is in this movie, so without knowing anything else, you should know that the story is probably about suburban family dysfunction.

Of course, I’m a sucker for suburban family disfunction movies, and this actually looks kind of funny — sometimes, a break from all the melodrama is sort of nice. I’m not really a sucker for older man and considerably younger woman romance stories — especially here, where it seems all kinds of creepy — but I’ll put up with a lot for Allison Janney, Oliver Platt, Adam Brody, and Hugh Laurie. Who knows? Maybe they’ll actually be able to sell me on the relationship.

13 thoughts on “Coming Soon-Ish: Feral Children, Chainsaws, and Abraham Lincoln, Sans Vampires . . .

  1. Oh my goodness, what the hell is the point in that Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel. It looks like the exact same thing as every other blooming sequel up til now. We must have had pretty much the same movie six times already. Shouldn’t they be doing something crazy like setting it in space around about now?

    I know you’ve seen the Zellwegger/McConaughey sequel already, but have you seen Part 3 (the one called “Leatherface”) with Viggo Mortensen yet? Out of all the sequels I reckoned that one was the best. (Though I reckon the only really worthy sequel is the spiritual descendent from Australia: “The Loved Ones”.)

    • I haven’t seen that one yet, or the one with Dennis Hopper. Actually, I didn’t even know that Viggo Mortensen was in one, so thanks because clearly I will have to check that out at some point.

      Yeah, that’s the problem I have with this series. Like, I enjoy the Jason movies. They never took themselves too seriously. They were enjoyable. And now you can enjoy them in space! I’m all okay with that. But TCM just keeps remaking the same old stuff. If you’re not going to make these updates good, at least have the decency to make them entertaining.

    • If they do that with TCM, I want it to be called The Milky Way Chainsaw Massacre: Leatherface Kills In Space. Because the whole idea of that movie would be that it’s given up any pretense of being serious or good, right?

      And yay, The Loved Ones. That was such a fun flick, apart from the very superfluous B-plot about the protagonist’s friend’s night at the dance. I’m suprised there’s been so few torture porn horror comedies, actually.

      • Ohmygod, YES. And slutty teenagers will be brutally torn apart as The Church’s “Under the Milky Way Tonight” plays. (Because if any movie can be so ridiculously on the nose about their music choices, I think it would be this one. Also, I love violent scenes or fight scenes matched with unusual, less aggressive music.)

        I haven’t seen The Loved Ones yet, but I’ll have to check it out someday. The Torture Porn Comedy genre is sadly underdeveloped.

  2. That Lincoln trailer was interesting. Not interesting as in “Gee, that looks like a cool movie,” because I swear to god I zoned out twice during the trailer, so I very much doubt I’ll ever see the actual film voluntarily. But it was interesting in the sense that I could almost feel it reaching out of the screen and bashing me across the head with that Best Picture Oscar it’s hoping to win. I even downloaded the trailer to analyse it further… or something, I don’t know.

    It did remind me that I should find something with David Strathairn in it that’s better than Alphas, though. So that’s nice.

    • Heh. Teacups, I love you. Pretty much my thoughts exactly.

      I actually do enjoy Alphas — I don’t think it’s a perfect show, but it’s interesting enough, and it’s improved since the beginning of first season. (Although I still find Rachel kind of intolerable.) As far as other Strathairn movies . . . I don’t know what you’ve seen, but he’s in LA Confidential, and I love that film. Also he’s great in Good Night, and Good Luck.

      • I figured out what made it so dull to me – it’s so grand, aware of it’s own importance and impersonal, it feels like an overly sentimental history lesson. So, IMO the way to fix it would be to make it without being so concious of the fact that this is an Important Historical Event, and tell it as though it were a fictional story, with a stronger focus on Lincoln and the others as people.

        I enjoyed Gary a lot, and Dr Rosen and the team as a group got quite morally interesting as the season wore on. The fact that they came to find what they were doing kind of reprehensible, and yet continued to do it because they didn’t know what else to do? I liked that. Season One ended on a very strong note, as well. But for the most part I feel like I’m watching Warehouse 13 without the humour, likable characters, good team interaction, or reasonably talented cast* – so, without the things that I actually enjoy about Warehouse 13. I haven’t seen any of Season 2, so I wouldn’t know of any improvements that only happened there.

        *Well, I liked Ryan Cartwright, David Strathairn, and to a slightly lesser degree Malik Yoba. But I found Nina, Rachel, and Cameron all bland as fuck, both in the writing and acting departments. To be fair, their performances might’ve been bogged down by the writing.

        • I suppose that’s my basic problem with a lot of biopics in general — I go to the movies for stories, not history lessons or sermons. Those don’t have to be mutually exclusive things, but if I feel like I’m being preached to or that someone shaped a story around an agenda, I’m so out. I have Opinions about that kind of thing.

          Of course, to be fair to Lincoln, just because the trailer is made to look Important! Amazing! Oscar-Winning! doesn’t mean the movie will be patting itself on the back the whole time. It could be a perfectly good movie. It’s just not going to be one I’m seeing in theaters. (It will be one someone forces me to watch. Presumably a parent.)

          I think Alphas is better this season. I stuck with first despite major problems I had and thought it definitely improved by the end, but I’m still liking season 2 more. I’m curious to where they’re going with certain storylines. I love Ryan Cartwright and David Strathairn. Cameron’s more enjoyable second season . . . and I can’t stop thinking of Sawyer from Lost when I look at him. I didn’t used to see it at all and NOW I CAN’T STOP SEEING IT. I like how they’re handling Nina’s storyline right now too. I’m still find Rachel really annoying, and I’m not in love with the villain . . . I miss Anna . . . but all in all, I think it’s improving. But then, I haven’t seen tonight’s episode yet, so who knows? Maybe everything goes all to hell 🙂

      • I suppose I might rent it if it starts getting crazy amounts of praise and is supposed to be very different to the trailer, if only to see what everyone’s carrying on about. Or if my grandma wants to see it.

        I started reading the episode summaries today, and it does sound better. The Nina-gone-bad storyline especially impressed me, since I wouldn’t have thought the show would have the balls to take it so far. Although the Rachel/Nina kiss cheesed me off (and I found the scene on Youtube to confirm my feelings) because it seems like the kind of gay kiss which is put in to demonstrate a character’s loose morals and wild lifestyle with sudden bisexuality, and because people still find ladies macking on one another to be oh so shocking and sexy, right? So thankyou for that wonderful queer representation, show. Anyway, I’m still not planning on watching for the time being, but I’ll probably keep an eye on it and consider getting back into it someday.

  3. At first I was wondering what Daniel Day-Lewis was doing in that movie, because at first glance I thought it was that one where Abe is a vampire hunter.

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