Coming Soon-Ish: Vampires, Glowing Whales, and Raccoon Infestations . . .

Beautiful Creatures

You know how to make any trailer instantly better? Set it to Florence and the Machine’s “Seven Devils.”

I haven’t read the book this is based on, but I’m surprisingly kind of interested in Beautiful Creatures, even if it is a teenage paranormal romance. This seems about 8,000 times more interesting than Twilight, anyway, and there’s something about Southern magic stories that I’ve always found intriguing. (Why? I don’t know. Born and raised in California. But there’s something about country magic — maybe it’s from growing up in a small town? Well, who cares.) Also, Emma Thompson is always a bonus. I could potentially rent this one.

Life of Pi

You know how to make any trailer instantly worse? Set it to Coldplay’s “Paradise.” I like some Coldplay, but I fucking hate this song.

I have never read this book either. I guess I might at some point, but this trailer . . . wow, this looks awful. I’m sorry, I know it’s Ang Lee and everything, but this is one of the corniest trailers I’ve seen all year, and believe you me, I have seen some corny fucking trailers. I guess I understand why using real animals would be problematic, but maybe then we shouldn’t have filmed this particular story until our CGI animals were ridiculously evolved because these don’t impress me all that much.

And seriously, unless that whale has just been hit with wildfire, I’m afraid I can’t take the green glowing seriously.


Okay, so this is going to be a totally silly thing, but . . . I don’t know; it could be fun. Amy Heckerling reuniting with Alicia Silverstone for Clueless 2 with Vampires . . . I’m just saying, I could be into it. I like most of the cast. Krysten Ritter is funny. Sigourney Weaver  is giving me slight Ghostbusters flashbacks with that hair, (“There is no Dana, only Zuul!”) and Wallace Shawn as a vampire hunter? Who even thinks of that? Also Matthew from Downton Abbey is in this, and that shit there is just hilarious.

I could rent this one.


This looks . . . interesting. Stoker was directed by Chan-wook Park, who also directed Oldboy (which I actually haven’t seen yet) and Sympathy for Lady Vengeance (which was kind of awesome but also problematic). And the screenplay was apparently written by Wentworth Miller, which was just like . . . wait . . . the ridiculously pretty, blue-eyed guy from Prison Break and Resident Evil: Afterlife writes? Interesting . . .

Normally, the older man seducing a younger girl storyline really does absolutely nothing for me, certainly not when he’s dating the mom, and certainly not when he’s the girl’s UNCLE . . . but I’ll admit, the idea that he’s a serial killer, or something, and she’s becoming his little protege . . . I don’t know, that actually makes things more interesting. Probably because I’m hoping Evil Mia Wasikowska kills everybody by the end, including him. (She’s a brunette now because while blondes may have more fun in normal activities, brunettes have more fun cutting up body parts. In related news, brunettes are awesome.)

And finally . . . The Details

Honestly? I would see this movie just for the first fifteen seconds of this trailer alone. That made me laugh.

What I particularly like about this trailer is how what I just watched completely fails to match up with the plot summary provided. Here is said summary: “When a couple discovers an infestation of raccoons in their backyard, disagreements over how to handle the situation lead to a series of events.”

. . . you know, I think I want to see how an infestation of raccoons leads to that insanity I just posted.

3 thoughts on “Coming Soon-Ish: Vampires, Glowing Whales, and Raccoon Infestations . . .

  1. Yeah, “The Details” looked interesting, but it really caught me at the line, “So far, this has been the good news.” HAHAHA! Awesome. Also, I’m totally on board with Stoker. That looks creepy and horrifying, just the way I like ’em.

    Beautiful Creatures, maybe.

    Animal shipwreck movie whose name I’ve already forgotten unless I scroll up but I won’t because I’m lazy, too ridiculous to believe. That tiger would eat that kid, the end. I don’t even care about anything else because that part is too stupid. I admit my imagination is like “but wouldn’t that be cool?” but then again my imagination is also like “you know what’s actually cool? TIGERS EATING PEOPLE, LIKE THEY DO.”

    • You know, my suspension of disbelief will actually allow me to accept the basic premise . . . well, depending on how well they sell it in the film . . . but it won’t allow me to accept the CGI tiger as a real one. (Although, why aren’t there more movies about tigers eating people, like they do? That could be awesome.) Even if I didn’t hate the CGI as much as I do, though, this trailer would do nothing for me. Freaking “Paradise.”

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