Well, it’s my birthday today.

Actually, that’s not true at all — it was my birthday a few hours ago, but for this night shift worker, “today” is really just a state of mind that lasts for however long you’re actually conscious, so . . . yes. Today is still my birthday, and I am officially 27.

You might think that I would have compiled a list of great birthday movie moments or something similarly thematic, but in fact I did nothing of the sort. Instead, I had a birthday party, and my birthday party was all about artwork and joy and creativity.

In short, my friends and I destroyed a bunch of Barbies.

Warnings for geekiness, immaturity, and just general depravity.

Disclaimer:

If you’re offended by the idea of Barbies in suggestive positions — or people having fun taking paint and pliers and various sharp things to dolls — this may not be the post for you. Don’t worry. 99% of my entries have absolutely nothing to do with Barbie violence or fornication at all.

Also, any of the pictures that look particularly awesome? My friend Norah — you know, the one that’s a professional photographer — probably took them. The ones with crappy focus and shit framing? Yeah, those were probably by me.

Oh, and finally: depending on your boss’s sense of humor . . . and if you work at a toy shop or anywhere where small, impressionable children abound . . . this post may be NSFW.

The Backstory:

Back during Halloween, some dive bar in SF hosted this event that I desperately wanted to go to — you went, ordered drinks, and mutilated Barbies with your friends, and a percentage of the proceeds went to this art charity thing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it for the event itself, so I decided to recreate it with less alcohol and charity and more sugar and greed for my 27th birthday.

The Pre-Show:

As a child, I had a bazillion Barbies, but I eventually gave them away because no one wants to be the teenager who still plays with dolls. (If only I had known that toys would become cool again in my twenties. Curses!) So I had to buy Barbies for this birthday extravaganza, and not wanting to spend hundreds of dollars that I could be spending on bills or, well, pretty much anything else, I went to eBay and purchased the cheapest lot I could find.

We washed the Barbies and bought craft-y things for the guests to use, although some of the very best items were actually improvised at the last minute just by looking around my living room and snatching shit off the walls.

I, of course, dressed for the occasion.

Once the guests had arrived, and the hat was adjusted just so, the work could begin.

The Dolls:

Decapitation is a serious business. (And I now want that on a T-shirt.)

Working on my Pinhead-inspired Barbie. (I haven’t finished this one yet. I was distracted by birthday presents. You would be distracted, too, if one of your presents was basically a giant coffin.)

When I’m not standing in it, there are actual shelves. Still. Coffin! CAPTAIN MORGAN COFFIN!

If you would like a better look at that strange winged thing that is flying through the left-hand corner of the picture above. . .

Believe it or not, this thing actually started out life as a Barbie. Creepy, right?

Course if you’re looking for creepy . . . or just generally offensive . . .

. . . it’s hard to beat Blackface Ken having sex with Feminist Barbie. (Chris wanted to win the Most Non PC Use of Barbies and . . . well. Chris has always played to win.)

For some more randomly weird Barbies . . .

Much discussion was made of this Barbie. Words that I never thought would be in the same sentence — like “ducky” and “boner” — were strung together seamlessly. Also, it was decided that Lady Gaga would totally wear this outfit. (I’ll admit, I thought of Bjork before I thought of Lady Gaga.)

Other potential Lady Gaga Barbies:

While Norah does not have a beret — and is therefore not qualified to be a Super Artiste like me — she certainly does have Superior Artist face down.

Although posing with your creation is not always required, of course. Some artists might prefer to integrate their work into the wall decals:

Hanged and soon to be devoured by carnivorous plants? Bad break, lady.

For a better look at this one . . .

And the funny thing is, she’s not even the only creepy blue Barbie on the table.

For instance, this one is wearing a dress of recycled Barbie hair.

We also have . . .

Steampunk Kills Barbie . . .

Monster Hand and Button Eyes Barbie . . .

and Creepy Clown Ken Barbie . . .

. . . who only gets ten times weirder with a pink Batman hat.

And finally . . .

. . . the whole pack as presented to you by Carlie St. George and Her Company of Particularly Strange Birthday Guests — ooh, new band name —

Thanks for an awesome 27th, you guys.