We don’t really go for the inspirational Christmas films in the St. George household. For instance . . .

Yeah, it’s totally a Christmas movie.

DISCLAIMER:

Spoilers. I’ve been doing a lot of reviews with spoilers, lately, and I should probably stop doing that — but it’s not going to be today because, let’s face it: this movie was made in 1987, it has three sequels, and if you don’t know that the bad guys die and the good guys win, you probably don’t know very much about action movies in general.

SUMMARY:

Family Man Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) is paired up with Suicidal Headcase Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson). Their first case? Solving the murder of a young prostitute — and taking down a group of well-connected drug smugglers while they’re at it.

NOTES:

1. Can I just say . . . this is the most ridiculous premise ever?

Don’t get me wrong — I love Lethal Weapon. I grew up on this movie, and it’s one of those films that I’d hate to see Hollywood remake because, really, what would they do? I mean, they could change the tone of it, make it darker or grittier or something, but . . . you know, why? Better to just write a whole new story for that. And this is pretty classic as far as buddy cop action movies go . . . I have a hard time seeing anyone improving it with a modern update.

But honestly . . . we have a possibly suicidal cop on our hands, and our solution is to promote him to homicide?

I know the Chief doesn’t actually believe Riggs is suicidal, but I’m generally of the opinion that even people who might be suicidal probably shouldn’t be working with guns — and even if he was trying to score some insanity insurance cash — how, exactly, is working in homicide as opposed to narcotics going to change that? And what do you even employ a department shrink for, if you’re not going to listen to her? (Although, admittedly, Shrink Lady does use the words “suicidal” and “psychotic” like they’re synonyms, so maybe she’s not the best shrink in the whole world. Still.)

It’s hard to see this as a good move in either direction — we’re either heaping more pressure on an unstable guy by forcing him in a new, potentially grislier department with a new partner who hates him, or we’re basically rewarding him for his shitty, greedy ways — because from every cop movie I’ve ever seen in my life, being a homicide detective in a police force is like being one of the coolest kids on the playground ever.

2. Shrink Lady, by the way, is played by 80’s Veteran Small Part Actress, Mary Ellen Trainor —

— who was also in such notable movies as The Goonies, Romancing the Stone, and Kuffs. (Okay, so Kuffs is actually early 90’s and probably isn’t very notable to anyone who isn’t me. Still, I like that movie. It’s Slater before his career went all to hell and has a very young Milla Jovovich, before she became a B-movie action heroine. It’s sort of refreshing, actually.)

(EDIT: She’s also in Die Hard, of course, which I can’t BELIEVE I forgot to mention. Thanks, Kirsten, for the heads-up.)

In movies, psychologists either seem to be Deeply Insightful Godsends or Foolish People Trying to Bring a Good Man Down. In Lethal Weapon, Shrink Lady is clearly one of the latter and will continue to be for the rest of the series.

3. Also, what I said about not remaking Lethal Weapon? Still true, but if you just absolutely had to remake it — let’s cut out some of that homophobic humor, shall we? There actually isn’t too much of it, but a couple of the lines are pretty awful. Like when Riggs refers to the idea of two women sleeping together as “disgusting.” That was pretty standard quo for the 80’s, I guess, but it’s a different world now, and some changes are thankfully for the better.

4. There are three villains to concern yourself with.

4A. Will Riker’s Daddy

Will Riker’s Daddy — or General McAllister — is the Big Boss Man but not particularly menacing standing next to his right-hand man, Mr. Joshua. This is probably why he dies first. (I kind of like the way he dies, though. Trapped in a car with a grenade about to go off — you’d be making some shrieky, desperate sounds too.)

B. Mr. Joshua

There’s something about referring to your villain as ‘Mr’ that automatically makes the character sound more villainous. At least, it’s a working theory, based on Mr. Chance (from Plunkett & Macleane), Mr. Croup and Mr. Vandemar (from Neverwhere), and of course, Mr. Joshua. Gary Busey is fun in this. I miss those good old days where Gary Busey was scary without being, you know, SCARY.

C. The Best Henchman from Die Hard

Okay, Al Leong is in this movie for about four minutes, if even, but he’s just one of those 80’s small-time icons — I had to pay tribute. In Lethal Weapon, Leong’s the guy who electrocutes Riggs for a while. He’s also the guy Riggs refers to as “the Chin” — so yeah, this movie’s a bit less PC than I remember it being.

(Also — and just as an aside for, er, diehard Die Hard fans — Special Agent Johnson {Grand L. Bush — my God, that’s a truly awful name} is in this for about two minutes too. He’s not a villain, though. He’s the cop that tells Murtaugh about his new partner. Sadly, Special Agent Johnson {the other one, Robert Davi} does not make an appearance.)

5. This is probably the first movie I ever saw Danny Glover in.

Actually, there’s a good chance that this is the first movie I ever saw any of them in — but I point out Danny Glover in particular because when I think of him, this is always the first movie that comes to mind. Also, while Murtaugh is just turning fifty when this film starts, Danny Glover was only forty when it was filmed. I mostly find this amusing because Riggs spends the whole moving calling Murtaugh an old man, but Gibson’s only a decade younger than his co-star.

By the way, in case I forget to mention it later — one of the reasons this movie works as well as it does? Gibson and Glover’s natural chemistry. All their scenes together are fun — I’m particularly a fan of Glover’s little nervous breakdown while driving. (“Fifty years old; what a birthday; goddamn fifty years old; been on the force twenty years, not a scratch on me, not a scar; got a wife, kids, a house, a fishing boat, but I can kiss all that goodbye because my new partner has a death wish; my fucking life is over.”)

And whether you buy into their emotions or not — man, these two are going for it. Mel Gibson’s whole face goes red when he’s angry, and the veins on Danny Glover’s neck look like they’re going to pop at any second. (Also, his voice gets really low, like absurdly low, when he yells. It’s actually a little funny.)

6. By the way — while it might be different for boys — I don’t want anyone to sing me happy birthday and give me presents while I’m in the bathtub. The bathtub is private time. Cake and presents generally come when I’m dressed, thanks.

7. This movie begins with some holly jolly Christmas music that quickly transitions into something a bit darker when a young woman jumps off a building.

I might complain about the fact that of course Amanda is topless when she jumps out of her window — I mean, who doesn’t walk around her place with covered feet but exposed breasts — but to be fair, we do get to see Mel Butt, so. It’s not like there isn’t some nudity on both sides of the equation.

[I do not have a picture of Mel Butt for you. This is a family friendly blog, for godsake!]

8. It’s not a big wonder I like this film, of course. I mean, other than being a sucker for the buddy cop movie, Lethal Weapon was directed by Richard Donner and written by Shane Black. Donner’s directed some pretty awesome movies — The Omen, Ladyhawke, Maverick, The Goonies — and Shane Black wrote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is just one of my most favorite things ever. (Here’s to hoping, Iron Man 3!)

And of course, what would Lethal Weapon be without . . .

9 . . . that angsty 80’s sax.

Mek and I can’t watch this movie without chiming in with that angsty 80’s sax.

Also, you know who worked on this movie’s score?

Yeah, Eric Clapton. See, you do learn things every day. (Even if they’re things that are totally irrelevant to your everyday life.)

10. Michael Hunsaker (Tom Atkins) is yet another prime example of why you never stand in front of a giant open window.

Even as a small child, I was like, dude, move away from the fucking window, you assclown. 

11. I’m feeling lazy and skipping over all sorts of good scenes we could be talking about — but we can’t skip over a couple of things. First, briefly, let’s at least mention this scene . . .

. . . and just be very, very clear that there’s no way Martin Riggs wouldn’t have been fired on the damn spot. Okay, maybe not on the spot, but definitely shortly afterwards. Come on. Seriously. He controlled the jump my ass — he forced a civilian off of a building; he’s done. It doesn’t matter that this is the most annoying suicidal guy ever known to man. I’m  may not be a cop, but I still feel pretty confident about this.

But, you know, Riggs can make pretty pictures with bullets . . .

. . . so to hell with the rules. He’s a keeper.

12. All this, however, might be slightly less ridiculous than the ending. Oh, the ending.

Okay, so here’s how the final fight goes down:

Riggs and Murtaugh beat Mr. Joshua to Murtaugh’s home. They have time to set up a clever little ‘fuck you’ note to Mr. Joshua, which they plant inside the house. What they apparently don’t have time for? To warn the two cops stationed in front of Murtaugh’s home.

These cops aren’t alarmed at all when Mr. Joshua comes by . It’s not like he gets the drop on them. He just casually drives right up to the car before saying a quick howdy and killing them. I’m sure the cops knew that they were stationed there for something, but apparently, they didn’t get a suspect description — and it’s not like Mr. Joshua is that hard to describe. (“So . . . if I see a six foot tall menacing albino in the vicinity, maybe I should be on guard? Cool. Good to know.”)

Pressing on. So while Mr. Joshua is inside the Murtaugh’s home, snooping around and shooting up innocent televisions, Murtaugh and Riggs distract him by sending a car through the living room wall. And while I know that the element of a surprise is a big deal in a fight . . . is this really the only way we could think to get the drop on Mr. Joshua? I hope it doesn’t cost a lot of money to, you know, rebuild your house or anything, Murtaugh.

Then we could just arrest Mr. Joshua — but what fun would that be? Instead, Riggs offers him a chance at the title as they try to kill each other on Murtaugh’s lawn.

A few things:

A: Who says Riggs holds the title anyway? I’m not sure it’s his to offer. I mean, I’m just saying.

B. While this is totally ridiculous, at least Murtaugh is shown to repeatedly be holding off other officers while saying that he’ll take full responsibility for what happens. Considering Mr. Joshua is a cop-killer, I can see some people bending the rules for a beatdown . . . although I’m not sure this extends as far as murder. So, you know, probably a good thing Riggs doesn’t go with Murtaugh’s suggestion to “break his [Mr. Joshua’s] fucking neck,” or Murtaugh would be taking on a whole lot more responsibility than initially figured.

C. One of my least favorite ways for a bad guy to die: the good guy has the chance and the motivation to kill him but decides not to — because he’s a better person and revenge is wrong and the bad guy is just “not worth it” and blah blah blah. But then the bad guy gets a gun or otherwise puts everyone in jeopardy again, and so the good guy is forced to kill him anyway.

And — blah. This is a cheap cop-out, Lethal Weapon, and I hate it in every movie I’ve ever seen it in.

D. Oh, oh, one more thing: in the denouement, Riggs is still all beat up because, you know, Mr. Joshua was one tough motherfucker. Murtaugh, on the other hand, looks fine, and while we don’t know exactly how long these last scenes take place after the fight with Mr. Joshua — he did get rather beat to hell himself, not to mention shot in the shoulder. But, you know. Everyone knows a bullet to the shoulder leaves no lasting damage.

13. Finally, some quotes:

Murtaugh: “See how easy that was. Boom, still alive. Now we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. I didn’t shoot him full of holes or try to jump off a building with him.”
Riggs: “Hey, no fair. The building guy lived.”

Mr. Joshua: “Well, our problem, and yours too, is we have a shipment of merchandise to deliver.”
Riggs: “Why don’t you guys just call it heroin?”
Mr. Joshua: “It’s rather large, this shipment. It would be unfortunate, however, if we showed up to deliver our heroin, and we were surrounded by fifty cops.”
Riggs: “That would be too bad.”

Murtaugh: “Saved my life. Took a bayonet in the lungs.”
Riggs: “That was nice of him.”

Murtaugh: “Piece of cake. Now I’m happy. You go read him his rights, and I’ll stand here, being happy.”

Murtaugh: “God hates me; that’s what it is.”
Riggs: “Hate him back. It works for me.”

Murtaugh: “You sure?”
Riggs: “Yeah, I’m sure, man. I never forget an asshole.”

CONCLUSIONS:

Some ridiculous moments — okay, a lot of ridiculous moments — and a few unfortunate lines, but this is the quintessential buddy cop movie, and I love it. One of my favorite Christmas movies — although not quite as good as Die Hard.

MVP:

Mel Gibson

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

Suicide is bad. Also, if you’re going to be a part of a nefarious operation, totally make sure to name it something cool like SHADOW COMPANY!