After the success of The Expendables and The Expendables II (as well as the likely success of the upcoming Expendables III), there’s been some talk about making an all-female spin-off to the series called, rather unfortunately, Expendabelles. The title is not my only concern — the director and writers who are currently attached have a resume made up primarily of bad romantic comedies, rather than badass action movies. I desperately don’t want this to be a cheesy romp full of nothing but cleavage shots and terrible girl power jokes . . . but if this movie could be done well? Shit, how AWESOME would that be, amirite?
With that in mind, Mekaela and I came up with a cast wish list — twelve actresses who we’d like to see in a movie about kickass female mercenaries beating the shit out of one another. Some of these actresses are action and/or B movie veterans — keeping in line with the Expendables franchise — but we did pick a couple of lesser known actresses from TV as well who we think could fit right in.
Let’s first discuss our heroes. (Oh, yeah. We totally divided our good guys and bad guys.)
(Okay, this isn’t the best quality, but desperate times, right? I had to have the power loader scene.)
We didn’t bother coming up with any kind of character roles for most of our cast, but it is absolutely imperative that Ripley plays the head honcho of our good guys. IMPERATIVE.
Action Resume: Alien franchise
This is, admittedly, probably not the movie that would break Michelle Rodriguez out of the same role she always plays . . . but how could we not include her? On the plus side, if she’s on the hero team, she has a much better chance of survival than usual.
Action Resume: Resident Evil franchise; The Fast and the Furious franchise; SWAT; Girlfight; Avatar; Machete; Machete Kills
Because Aeryn Sun is one of my favorite badasses of all time, and really, that’s all there is to it.
Action Resume: Farscape
Sarah Shahi might be the least well known actress on this list, but I love her as Shaw so much on PoI that I’d really like to see her do more, especially if that more includes kicking the shit out of people. Cause she seems to be pretty good at that.
Action Resume: Person of Interest
Cause, dude. LUCY LIU. I love Lucy Liu. Do I really have to say anything else?
Action Resume: Kill Bill; Charlie’s Angels; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
Okay, Youtube? You have failed me. How are there not more clips of Gina Torres online? I’m aware she’s another actress primarily known for her work in television, but still. I was going to upload a Firefly clip, but there are so few available that I picked one from a show I completely gave up on instead because I wanted a scene where she actually had lines.
Anyway. A lot of nerds might have picked Summer Glau — who I do like and was definitely on the shortlist — but if I have to recruit only one Firefly/Serenity badass, I’m actually going to go with Zoe. Cause, you know. Big damn hero, and all that.
Action Resume: Firefly, Serenity, Alias
HA! I’ve never actually seen Colombiana before, but dude — SPOILER ALERT — she kills someone with sharks. That’s HILARIOUS.
So, yes. For our final team member in this band of heroes, we’re definitely going Zoe Saldana. She’s a pretty great actress, one of the main go-to girls for science fiction action right now, and again, kills people with sharks. That’s a winner right there.
Action Resume: Star Trek; Star Trek Into Darkness; Avatar; The Losers; Colombiana; Guardians of the Galaxy. (Okay, that one’s upcoming. Still.)
Because you know you want Sarah Connor to be the leader of the bad guys. Come on. And she and Sigourney Weaver have to square off in a climactic battle. Obviously.
Action Resume: Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Cause Katee Sackhoff would make an amazing villain. I remember when they tried doing a Bionic Woman remake on TV however many years ago, and it was pretty terrible, except Katee Sackhoff was so AWESOME as the bad guy. I think she would be an awful lot of fun here.
Action Resume: Battlestar Galactica; Riddick
Honestly, I haven’t seen Michelle Yeoh in quite some time, but I like her, and Mek and I both thought she could be a pretty fun addition to the cast. Especially since I’m mostly used to seeing her play good guys. It might be fun to see her as someone evil.
Action Resume: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Tomorrow Never Dies
Speaking of someone who almost always plays good guys . . . Milla Jovovich is like the B-movie action queen. I definitely want her on the side of the villains. (Is it too much if Michelle Rodriguez is the one to take her down? Cause I kind of think that’d be fun.)
Action Resume: The Fifth Element; Resident Evil movies; Ultraviolet; The Three Musketeers
(Man, I love these opening credits. “A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle!” LOVE IT. Also, I totally forgot Karl Urban guest starred on this show. I am so happy right now!)
Anyway, who better to play our last villain than Xena, Warrior Princess. (Although, in all honesty, I was really thinking of a guest spot she did on Burn Notice when I casted her here. Like Katee Sackhoff, Lucy Lawless could be a lot of fun as a villain. She’s got a particularly great smile, and I think the best villains are the ones that grin like madmen and trickster gods.)
Action Resume: Xena: Warrior Princess, Battlestar Galactica
There are, of course, a ton of great actresses that didn’t quite make the cut for our list. If you have any or your own suggestions, though, I’d love to hear them.