Coming Soon-Ish: Moses, Amnesiacs, and Dracula Origin Stories

Exodus: Gods and Kings

Well, this looks pretty bad all around. Like, okay, there are a couple of good visuals in here, and sure, the cast is pretty solid. Of course, the cast also appears to be rather overwhelmingly white, which seems like a rather spectacularly bad call on Scott’s part. (Joel Edgerton and his terrible makeup also seem like a particularly egregious choice.) Then there’s the whole subtitle issue — because while ‘Gods and Kings’ certainly isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, the ‘title-colon-subtitle’ format is almost always reserved for sequels, which I really don’t believe this is. And finally there’s the music, which, well. I don’t dislike the song so much as it sounds like something a shipper might use to set their Elena/Damon fan video to.

If Exodus: Gods and Kings doesn’t turn out to be a cheesefest parading around as a Serious Picture, I will honestly be surprised.

The Skeleton Twins

Despite the fact that there is nary a beauty pageant in sight, my immediate reaction to the first thirty seconds of this trailer was, “So . . . it’s Little Miss Sunshine? With Kristen Wig and Bill Hader instead of Toni Collette and Steve Carrell?” But, you know. I LIKE Little Miss Sunshine. In general, I’m a sucker for dysfunctional family stories, and I’m especially a sucker for anything about siblings that seems to move a little deeper than ‘we’re opposites and we hate each other.’ And this actually looks pretty funny, so I might give it a try sometime. (Probably by myself, unfortunately, since my own sister is not as enthusiastic as I am about fictional dysfunctional families. I’m sure that says something relevant about our relationship, but it’s currently one in the morning — at least as I type this — and I can’t be bothered to analyze too deeply.)

Foxcatcher

There are the movies you watch, even though you’re iffy on the genre or plot, just because you like the main cast so well. And then there are the movies that you just can’t make yourself see, no matter how much you like the three principle guys in it. After this sixty second teaser, I’m pretty sure Foxcatcher is going to fall in the latter category for me. Sorry, Channing Tatum, Mark Ruffalo, and Steve Carrell — there is no amount of hilariously ridiculous wigs or obvious makeup in the world to make Disturbing Wrestler Movie my kind of thing.

Before I Go to Sleep

Look, it’s another one! Another Good Cast vs Meh Plot dilemma. Well, okay. I guess I’m more likely to see this than Foxcatcher, if only because Twisty Mystery is more my thing than Creepy True Sports Story. But even considering my adoration for both Colin Firth and Mark Strong, I’m not feeling real jazzed about this one. Mostly because, well. I’ve already seen Memento, which is kind of the King of Retrograde Amnesia Mysteries. This would have to be really special to top that, and I’ve got to tell you, I don’t think this is going to be nearly that special.

Also, I’m waiting to see an amnesia storyline that isn’t a twisty mystery. About the only thing I can think of is 50 First Dates, which was actually a lot better than I thought it was going to be, although it’s also pretty highly — and unintentionally — disturbing. (Can you even imagine? You wake up, and holy God, you’re suddenly going into labor with babies you don’t even remember conceiving? I mean, Jesus.)

And finally . . . Dracula Untold

First, let it be said that Lorde’s cover of “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” is one of my favorite covers of all time, and it is so much better than this trailer. It’s not even funny, how unworthy this movie is of that song. Second, let it be said that this looks hilariously bad, and I might have to watch it purely to mock the holy hell out of it. Oh. My. God. And here I thought Judas-as-Dracula was the funniest vampire origin story I was ever going to get. I can’t believe they made a whole movie about the sympathetic origins of Warrior Dracula.

Oh, Charles Dance. I totally get why Luke Evans is starring in this, but seriously, man. What are you doing here?

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