A Month Early and a Day Late . . . The 2014 Emmys

1. Opinions may be divided, but I actually thought Seth Meyers was a fairly decent host. He doesn’t seem to have the natural energy and charisma that some other hosts have, but I actually enjoyed the majority of his opening monologue, which — outside Tina Fey and Amy Poehler — seems rare for me, these days. I liked that the emphasis was more on industry humor than roasting specific celebrities, for once. (Not that making fun of celebrities can’t be a good time — but the material is often several years old, and sometimes, the jokes are just unnecessarily mean.) I laughed especially hard at this: “That’s right, kids. Jesse Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn’t make it. Sleep tight.”

2. Truth be told, I didn’t much care about who won what, since I don’t actually watch the majority of the shows that were nominated. (I even dropped Scandal last season, although I’m considering trying to start fresh in Season Four and see if I can get back into the crazy soap I once loved.) I was surprised about the The Normal Heart, though — I’ve gotta admit, I kind of assumed it would sweep. But the only thing it took home, in the end, was Best TV Movie or Miniseries. (Admittedly, if you’re going to win only one, I suppose that’s the one to win, although I always think it’s weird when a program or movie wins the top prize if they didn’t win a single acting, writing, or direction award. Then again, who knows, maybe The Normal Heart won a whole bunch of Creative Emmys that I’m too lazy to look up right now.)

Anyway, I was happy to see Sherlock take as many awards as it did. Surprised, but happy. I enjoyed last season a lot more than the previous one, and I liked His Last Vow quite a bit. Up until the last thirty seconds anyway.

3. As you may or may not remember, awards shows are rarely ever scheduled for my convenience. Moving it to Monday didn’t help much, unfortunately, so I did my usual ‘tape the earlier broadcast and hastily watch the recorded version before I have to go to work’ method of Emmy-viewing. And by hastily, I mean I fast-forwarded past the commercials and anything else that looked totally boring. Apparently, I fast-forwarded past one of the better parts of the ceremony, actually, which was some pre-taped thing called Billy On the Street? Oh well, my regrets are limited.

Cause, yeah. I gave Weird Al about two songs before I gave up and moved on. It made me a little sad to do it, because Weird Al was my very first concert, but still. Those parody songs seemed almost painfully unfunny. I also skipped the Q&A session with the stars because that seemed pretty painful too.

4. Other Things That Didn’t Work:

4A: Stephen Colbert’s ‘invisible friend’ bit. Which kills me to say because I love Stephen Colbert, and he did, at least, commit to the whole joke. Still. It was awkward.

4B. Singling out Julia Roberts for a special highlight reel when none of the other supporting actress nominees got the same attention? Dude, that’s kind of bullshit. I don’t care if she’s a Big Time Movie Star. Who thought this was a good idea?

4C. The thing about Sofia Vergara . . . look. I didn’t feel particularly offended by the joke, but I also think it was ill-conceived. Like, I don’t mind someone doing a bit about how sex appeal livens up a boring speech. That’s fine. And Sofia Vergara is an incredibly sexy woman who seems totally confident in herself and her body. That’s great. But here’s the thing: I could be wrong, of course, but I’m going to take a stab and say that nobody suggested a man stand up there on a rotating platform and Just Be Sexy. Which is crap. There shouldn’t be a gender default for sex appeal. If you just want someone to stand around and look hot (and do absolutely nothing else), your go-to shouldn’t ALWAYS be a woman. Because that’s the kind of thing that leads people to think that’s all women should be valued for.

Others might feel differently, but I suspect I wouldn’t have minded this joke as much, or possibly at all, if we could just have some equal opportunity. There’s no reason a man and a woman couldn’t have been on stage together looking hot. I, personally, would have been okay with seeing Matt Bomer up there, or plenty of other actors in the audience. But you know if a man had been up there, they’d have made it a joke — like it’d be Sofia Vergara and some frumpy comedian dude making a lot of exaggerated and awful ‘I’m so sexy’ poses. I find that frustrating.

But in general, putting a live woman on a spinning platform like she’s a new car is probably not going to go over well with a lot of people. I’m a little surprised that needs to be said, but there you go.

5. I might have put the bit about Julia Louis-Dreyfuss forgetting that she made out with Bryan Cranston on Seinfeld in the Fail Section, too — just because it was such an obvious joke  — but it paid off pretty well when she won for Best Actress, and he attacked her with his lips, and she reciprocated in kind, basically all, “Yup, he was that guy on Seinfeld.”

Nicely played, you two. Nicely played.

6. I see that, since MORTAL KOMBAT was successfully averted last year, The Amazing Race has started its second shot at winning ten straight tournaments in a row. Let’s all agree to meet back here in a decade and see how they did, okay?

7. Finally, the most important part of the evening: fashion.

Since Mekaela is usually working during the pre-awards stuff, I usually watch the stars arriving on the red carpet without her and send emails every thirty minutes with updates on who’s wearing what godawful looking thing and why would you ever wear that, WHY, that dress should be burned and its ashes should be scattered so it doesn’t spontaneously resurrect.

Unfortunately, I slept through the majority of the red carpet yesterday — I needed the sleep to make up for the absolute ZERO sleep I’m currently getting right now — so I couldn’t fulfill my usual email commentary tradition, which made me sad. Thankfully, I could still look at the various internet galleries to get a good look at all the dresses I missed.

I think my Best Dressed would have to go to Lizzy Caplan, whose black and white dress I really liked. Honorable mentions, though, go to Sofia Vergara, Uzo Aduba, Laverne Cox, Robin Wright, and Christine Baranski.

But I’ll be honest, I wasn’t particularly overwhelmed by the vast majority of dresses this year. Ugly ass dresses, though, were everywhere to be found. I’m afraid Worst Dressed would have to go to Sarah Paulson because what. The. HELL. But other contenders were Lena Dunham, Laura PreponAllison WilliamsClaire Danes, and Amanda Peet.

And let’s be clear, Lena Dunham. I don’t care that you’re almost certainly doing this on purpose — I would still put you as Worst Dressed if I didn’t hate Sarah Paulson’s dress so damn much that I’d like to attack it with garden shears.

Well, that’s it for the Emmys this year, folks. Return next year to see if John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight gets nominated for the first time, if Tatiana Maslany gets nominated ever, and who turns out to be the new Drama darling now that Breaking Bad is over.

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