“Michael Myers is My Business.”

My friend Kirsten wrote me and said that she had, for some unknown reason, decided to watch Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers. She’d also written a review and was like, “Hey, do you want this?”

What I heard:

“Hey, Halloween’s around the corner, and you have stories you’re supposed to be working on, stories that people are actually planning to pay you for. You want a Free Day from MGB to go, you know, do something about that?”

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Thus Kirsten presents the majesty of The Curse of Michael Myers.

DISCLAIMER: FULL SPOILERS AHEAD

Our film opens with an empowering scene depicting a woman giving birth as nature intended: strapped to a bed, surrounded by candles and people in robes.

birth

Having not seen Halloween IV or V, I am not sure of the significance of this woman until later: she is Jamie, Michael Meyer’s niece, and therefore is marked for death. So is her newborn son. Michael is the poster child for family drama.

The one obvious woman in the scene besides Jamie has a surprising Change of Heart™ and helps Jamie escape, only to be impaled for her troubles. At least, I think she was impaled. I turned my head for a moment and suddenly she was glued to a hallway wall and bleeding. It was horrible and I shed a tear.

Jamie steals a truck from a Slow Walking Man™ who of course comes to a sad end. No truck AND dead? Terrible. She decides to make a phone call to a shock jock DJ so that everyone in northern Illinois can conveniently hear that Michael Myers is coming. No wait, that phone call was genius. She reached Tommy, the little boy that Laurie Strode was babysitting during the first movie, AND Doctor Loomis, who is So Very Retired™. This is what he tells his friend from the sanitarium, played by the always-nice-guy Mitchell Ryan, who never has any bad intentions at all, no sir!

Tommy is portrayed in an Oscar-worthy performance by Paul Rudd, who went severely downhill immediately in Clueless (a movie I didn’t understand at all).

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The director told him to be awkward and that man took his direction and ran a marathon with it!

Our leading lady, Kara, played by the world-renowned Marianne Hagan, has moved herself and her young son back home with her family. They just happen to be members of the Strode family and by some crazy happenstance they live IN THE MYERS HOUSE!!! Amazing Twist™!!! Kara’s father is very subtly portrayed as the Worst Human Ever™; cussing at and slapping his daughter in front of her son, who then pulls a knife on granddaddy. Wait, are we sure these are Strodes and not Myers?

Mom dies in a mass of laundry (don’t we all?) and dad’s head explodes. Brother and his girlfriend show us the nudity we’ve been craving and then, too, fall victim to The Shape. Oh, and the Shock Jock bites it as well, wound up in a bale of barbed wire that Michael must have been keeping in his pocket just for the occasion.

Meanwhile, there’s ominous mumblings from old people, Michael Myers uses his invisible transportation device a lot, Kara sees her dead father with his head magically restored, Jamie’s baby is still alive and under the care of Tommy, and the movie’s running time is expanded by at least 15 minutes by characters walking down hallways VERY SLOWLY.

It seems like the Final Showdown™ is going to take place at the Myers household, but NO! Kara brightly decides to jump out a second story window and wakes up in a gown of virgin white linen without a scratch on her.

wake

She’s in the insane asylum! That’s scary! There’s even one whole patient who says creepy things and then dies in front of Tommy! You know a movie cares about the state of mental health care when they show just how jam-packed asylums are these days. This patient probably wasn’t getting any better because her doctors seem a bit off. I mean, red scrubs? Really?

We needn’t worry about the evil doctors anymore, though, because Michael bursts into the operating room with a few strobe lights and kills everybody! It’s almost too bad he felt the need to do that, because I was looking forward to The Fallacy of the Talking Villain™ so I could find out what they were planning on doing with Jamie’s baby and Kara’s son. Oh well, it’s a mystery!

I think Tommy wanted an explanation, too. He got pretty angry and injected Michael with all kinds of unmarked pre-filled syringes then beat him to a green (???) pulp with a pipe. Riveting.

I was so happy to see Kara, Tommy, and the two boys leave in a van together. I bet they’ll be a great, healthy family. Doctor Loomis valiantly decided to stay behind, though he didn’t really say why. The man screaming while the camera lingered on an empty Michael Myers mask has been left open to interpretation.

(Interpretation: Donald Pleasence told the filmmakers: “For the love of God, I’m going to die soon. Please let my character be finished off so I never get talked into participating in this steaming pile of horseshit franchise again!” And he didn’t QUITE get what he asked for. RIP, Donald Pleasence.)

Moral of the Story:

If you lived in Haddonfield, you’d be dead by now!

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