Scandal – How to Woo a Lady Back into Your Arms

So, I stopped watching Scandal last season for multiple reasons (poorly handled rape subplots, characters suddenly making no sense, torture scenes featuring face licking, etc). But while clearing out my drafts folder, I found this entry that I’d forgotten I’d written, and I thought it might be kind of fun to post it now, despite the fact that the events I’m mercilessly mocking happened over almost a year ago, which means that approximately 27,006 twists have already taken place to make such a rant completely irrelevant.

Still. I’m considering creating a new feature on my blog, a deeply irregular series of How-to posts based on anytime a movie or television show (new or old) causes me to wonder, “Wait, that worked? WHY? HOW?” and quiver in rage until somebody pacifies me with chocolate. Also, this gives you something to read while I continue working on my Kiss Me Deadly review.

With that in mind . . .

SPOILER FOR “VERMONT IS FOR LOVERS, TOO” AND ALL PREVIOUS EPISODES OF SCANDAL:

grant1 olivia1

Are you having relationship problems? Maybe you’re unhappily married and your mistress doesn’t believe you’re ever going to divorce your wife. Maybe this situation is compounded by the fact that you’re the President of the United States. And maybe you once also shot down a commercial airplane under orders, and a passenger on that plane was your lover’s mother.

You might think that killing your girlfriend’s mom is the death knell of your relationship, but fear not! We know a way to mend those broken fences with just a few easy steps:

Fitzgerald Grant: Hey, I’m summoning you to this super secret house in the middle of nowhere. You really should have told me that your dad was an uber spy, but enough of that. Look at this awesome fireplace.

Oliva Pope: You killed my mother!

Fitzgerald Grant: Seriously, check out these curtains. Did I do a good job or what?

Olivia Pope: I don’t care about curtains! I don’t care about this house! You killed MY MOTHER!

Fitzgerald Grant: But I built this house for you. I built this house for the future I thought we might someday share.

Olivia Pope: . . . take me now. Take me hard. I love you so much.

And there you have it, folks. If you want your special ladyfriend to forget all about the terrible things you did, up to and including killing her mother, just build her a house. Oh, and be sure to mention all the bedrooms you’ve created for the potential children you two might have together. She will melt before you like butter.

Any woman would.

Next time on How-To: Arrow teaches us how to become a better superhero by not only letting a mass murderer responsible for the death of your best friend go free, but swearing to defend said murderer at all costs from the terribly powerful and particularly vindictive King of Super Assassins.

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4 Responses to Scandal – How to Woo a Lady Back into Your Arms

  1. Teacups says:

    It could have been worse.

    I finished off Season 4 of Louie last night, and in all seriousness, he wooed his friend by sexually assaulting her (and possibly attempting worse – he verbally only referred to wanting a kiss, but during parts of that scene he really looked to be physically trying for something more) as she tried to leave from babysitting his kids. It was a really full-on scene, too. (There’s a clip eighteen seconds in, although I understand if you don’t want to watch it.) Then, in episodes 2 and 3 of the storyline, he pressured her into going on a date with him, pressured her to be intimate with him at the end of the date (she later took control of that scene, but still) and got angry with her when she wasn’t willing to say “I love you,” as fast as he was. His justification for this is that she actually does want all of these things, she just won’t admit it – and he’s eventually proven to be right about that. The season ends with them in a relationship, having a romantic bath together.

    I’m sorry, I needed to vent. This was one of my favourite shows, so I’m sad today. I don’t think I’ll be finishing the kickass Louie tapestry I was making.

    • That clip is pretty disturbing. I’ve never watched Louie, despite the rave reviews, and I have to say that considerably drops my interest. I watched a little bit of the accompanying video (only a minute or two), and I would agree that the scene is depicting rape in a way that’s not normally shown on TV, and that would be a good or at least interesting thing if we weren’t supposed to be happy that the two got together at the end. But since it sounds like that’s not the case, that’s a big problem for me.

      Sorry. It outright sucks when something you love decides to be a skeevy asshole. It’s hard to know if you want to try to move past it for all the awesome things it’s gotten right, or if it’s something you need to drop because just letting it go feels wrong and icky.

      • Teacups says:

        You’re right, we are supposed to be happy that they got together at the end. And it wasn’t meant to be attempted rape or sexual assault – Pamela Adlon, the actress/producer/co-writer, thinks it’s crazy that people call it “the rape scene.” Because the characters have an over-the-edge, push-pull relationship, and I guess that just redefines what sexual assault and attempted rape are.

        But that scene happened at the end of the episode, and until the storyline continued, the non-rapey portrayal really wasn’t clear. This lead to discussions and think pieces like that video. They came out before the following episodes had aired, and subsequently misinterpreted the scene. I wonder if I can find anything about those people thought of the whole thing once the season ended.

        Thank you. I’ve enjoyed so much of the show, so cost-benefit wise, I guess I should try it out next season and see how I go. But I doubt I’ll ever call myself a fan again. I can’t even look at the first three seasons of the show the way I used to.

        I think it’s worse because I know the same guy who made them, and who I deeply admired for making them, is the one responsible for one of the most sexist storylines I’ve seen in a modern TV show. (He’s the showrunner, usually the director, and apart from Pamela Adlon sometimes co-writing, the only writer. He even cut a deal with the network so they have no say in the show.)

        • I think it’s worse because I know the same guy who made them, and who I deeply admired for making them, is the one responsible for one of the most sexist storylines I’ve seen in a modern TV show.

          I get that. Sometimes, if I’m watching a movie I really like that has, say, a director who’s done horrifying, illegal things or a homophobic lead actor or something, I’ll comfort myself by thinking that, yes, I may be financially supporting or at least enjoying something made by this asshole, but I’m also supporting/enjoying something made by the hundreds of other hardworking, totally-not-assholes who are also involved in this project, whether they be other actors, writers, whatever. It doesn’t always work, and I’m not saying everyone should adopt this strategy, but it does make me feel better sometimes. But you’re right: that’s a lot harder to do when the same guy is producing, directing, writing, AND staring in the work.

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