My Much Belated Golden Globes Commentary

So, the Golden Globes happened, like, days ago. Here are my somewhat-less-timely thoughts.

1. Sadly, this is the last year that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are hosting. Per usual, I enjoyed the hell out of them. I did feel kind of awkward about the Bill Cosby jokes, but I also laughed pretty hard at the bit with George Clooney’s lifetime achievement award. Also this: “Firth, for a polite amount of time.”

2. ICU had an Academy Awards pool last year. If I’d entered, I would’ve won, like, ALL the money. On the other hand, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t participate in any theoretical Golden Globes pools, as the sheer number of incorrect guesses would have almost certainly shamed both me and any descendants I might have for about a hundred years to come.

Although how I was supposed to guess that How to Train Your Dragon 2 would beat out both The Lego Movie and Big Hero 6, I don’t know. Also, I was amused that The Grand Budapest Hotel won for Best Comedy despite the fact that it didn’t win a single award in any other category. (On the other hand, I really enjoyed The Grand Budapest Hotel, so I was happy to see it win for something.)

3. I’ll admit to fast-forwarding past a lot of the speeches (I was on the clock, people), but of the ones I did watch, my favorite definitely went to Gina Rodriguez. She kinda made me tear up, dammit.

4. I like Jeremy Renner, but he’s always struck me as incredibly awkward person. Like if he has to talk live, I kind of cringe on his behalf. He just looks so uneasy and stilted.

As far as the boob joke goes . . . I don’t know. I’ll admit to laughing, because I did. I also thought, Maybe not the best idea, Renner. Cause Jennifer Lopez genuinely doesn’t seem offended, which is great — except if she secretly had been, it would have put her in a really awkward position. Imagine if J-Lo had said, “You know, that actually made me a little uncomfortable.” I bet some people would be supportive of her. I bet many more people would be angry at her for taking it “too seriously” or argue that she can’t be offended because of the type of clothes she wears. I suspect she’d get called a lot of ugly words for being honest. Online threats would not be in any way surprising. Knowing this, how many women might choose to play along rather than risk being ostracized by a world that thinks “feminist” is a dirty word?

I personally didn’t find the joke offensive in and of itself. And I, too, sometimes get frustrated trying to navigate what’s “safe” to say. But I also think that ignoring the very real and complicated gender politics in play by telling everyone to lighten up and refusing to even acknowledge that there could be another side to this issue? I think that’s kind of shitty. Jeremy Renner’s offhand, annoyed response irritates me more than his actual joke did.

5. All right, let’s pull back from the Serious Stuff and focus on what’s really important: all of the terrible facial hair. Jamie Dornan, your beard is a little too big for your face, but I’m prepared to give you a pass for now. Jared Leto and especially Matthew McConaughey, though. This is unacceptable.

6. Finally, fashion:

THE BEST:

Lorde
I’m a sucker for pants. I’d wear the hell out of this if I ever felt comfortable enough with my midriff. (And if I was important enough that someone would feel comfortable loaning me a bazillion dollar necklace.)

THE GOOD:

Emma Stone
See above. The bustle’s a bit big for me, but otherwise, yeah. This is awesome.

Kate Hudson
Holy God, how this dress fits her. I mean, damn. I wish I liked her movies anywhere near as much as I like her fashion.

Katherine Heigl
Again, it’s all about the fit. The dress is fairly simple (you know, for an awards show), but I like the color and the cut of it looks amazing on her.

Naomi Watts
Yellow is a hard color to rock, especially for a blonde. Naomi Watts rocks it.

THE BAD:

Kerry Washington
The blue sides read to me like a last-minute effort to make the dress more interesting. They feel ill-conceived and out of place. Also, the length seems a little off.

Julianne Moore
The shiny tinfoil top is okay, if a bit boring, but the transition into gray and black feathers is just not good.

Claire Danes
I will admit that up close the pattern isn’t quite so awful. But the sizing is all wrong, and covering up a deep plunge neckline with dark illusion netting? No.

Lana del Rey
This is the kind of dress you see at a Homecoming dance. Or maybe a low-rent play about  Aphrodite coming out of the sea.

THE WORST:

Keira Knightley
Man, I like Keira Knightley, but what the hell is this dress? Between the lace doily top and the lace ruffle bottom and the giant butterfly on her hand and the dozens of awful butterflies and feathers and whatever else is sewn into this thing . . . no. Just no.

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