It’s well documented on this blog that I genuinely enjoy watching shitty movies, but there are movies that even I’M like No, no, I never ever need to see that. I was reminded of this earlier today when I was glancing at showtimes for Kingsman: The Secret Service and saw all the other, clearly inferior movies NOT starring Colin Firth that were playing. And thus a random poll was born:
The Random ‘Gun to Your Head: Rank These Movies’ Poll
American Sniper
Fifty Shades of Grey
SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
All of these movies are playing at the downtown theater where I live, and I cannot stress this enough: I will not be seeing ANY of them in theater unless one of two things happens:
A.) Someone actually pays me to go watch one of these movies.
B.) Some wandering psycho with a sadistic interest in forcing people to watch movies they have no earthly desire to see actually puts a gun to my head and says, “Watch one of these films, or you DIE.”
Both of these scenarios seem fairly unlikely; regardless, we’re just going to pretend Scenario B is a real thing that is currently happening to you. What I need from you today is a ranking: of those three movies above, which would you MOST want to see and which would you LEAST want to see? From that, I’ll manage to extrapolate your middle choice because I’m smart like that.
For example:
MOST: Fifty Shades of Grey
LEAST: American Sniper
Reason: Jamie Dornan and Spongebob Squarepants are both sexier than Bradley Cooper.
(Providing any kind of reason/commentary is completely optional but always welcomed. Although if you say that Spongebob Squarepants is sexier than Bradley Cooper, I may doubt the veracity of your claim and/or be seriously concerned about your mental health.)
Now, some of you may be thinking, Hey, asshole, I’ve already seen Fifty Shades or Look, I genuinely do want to watch Spongebob, okay? And that’s fine — everyone has different tastes, and I want to hear from you too! The same rules apply. If you’ve already seen one of these movies, go ahead and put it in your number one spot. (Unless you were dragged to it, I suppose. Then please leave a note of some kind explaining your choices.) If you’ve seen more than one, put them in the order you were most interested in. If you’d rather have someone kill you than see any of these movies, you and I need to have a long talk about your priorities.
This arbitrary poll will be open a week. Your participation is most appreciated.
My Geek Blasphemy 
Can’t i just choose to watch a fan mashup of all three, a la Monster a Go-Go? 😀
While the combination of Spongebob, snipers, and bondage sounds AMAZING . . . no. That’s cheating. 😛
Sniper. SpongeBob. Shades. Setting aside the hype (and there’s plenty to set aside), Sniper is supposed to be one of Eastwood’s best films as a director, and Cooper is a better actor than he gets credit for. As for the other two… SpongeBob beats Shades because if I’m killing brain cells with a movie, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror afterwards and not be ashamed.
I actually like Bradley Cooper, and I’ve definitely enjoyed some of Clint Eastwood’s films (Unforgiven is easily one of my favorite westerns ever), but even if I naturally gravitated toward war movies . . . yeah, that one’s got some serious political baggage. I could try it at some point and see if I found it as offensive as some of the reviews I’ve read suggest, but man. I’d be treating myself to some serious ice cream afterwards as a reward.
Also, LOL. Thankfully, self-respect isn’t something I worry too much about myself, but I understand your reasoning on that one. 🙂
MOST: Spongebob, because it’s the only one of the three that’s intentionally silly, and it’s vaguely feasible that there will be some good jokes thrown in there for the poor adults taking their kids. Besides, the cartoon is semi-twisted and odd, so it has that going for it.
LEAST: 50 Shades. It looks like some sort of Ayn Rand powerful uber-man fantasy masquerading as a rape fantasy, and just seems really squicky. People ARE aware that there’s ACTUAL porn pretty easily available on the internet, which they don’t have to pay $9 for, watch in a crowded theater, or wade through a lot of bad, self-important dialog to get to the humpy parts — right?
Maybe the crowded theater is actually part of the turn on? Or they just want really good popcorn?
Most:- American Sniper
Least:- Fifty Shades of Grey
Having a personal loathing for Spongebob Squarepants that is only exceeded by the Pope’s dislike of Satan should give you some idea just how enamoured I am of the 50 Shades of nightmare film. I have had to sit through friends bemoaning the book after courses have put it on the curriculum, and listening to the ladies in the office chatting about it, I think I would rather have a colonoscopy via my tonsils by a rampaging rampant Aardvark before I read that book/watch the film.
As for American Sniper, well, I had to put one at the top : )
Rant aside, your cinema has an appaling taste in films lol
Heh. Fifty Shades isn’t exactly high on my list, but I feel pretty strongly about rampaging, rampant aardvarks anywhere near my person, let alone ones who are performing what does not sound like a very sanitary procedure upon me. 🙂
Actually, I often enjoy this theater. Though I haven’t gone in a long time, they have these awesome cult movie double features a few times a month. This just happens to be a fairly sad week.
Most: Spongebob – I can roll my eyes at bad jokes and enjoy the childish ones.
Least: Sniper – because reasons
Yes. There are Reasons.
American Sniper is definitely my least choice. I was torn between choosing Spongebob and 50 Shades for my most, but Spongebob won out because I don’t want 50 Shades to give a gun-wielding maniac any ideas.
Choice noted. 🙂
MOST: 50 Shades Of Grey. I’m not going to see it in the theatre, but I do actually want to see this at some point. I’ve read the books, and I can’t really emphasize just how terrible, sexist, misinformed and poorly written they are. It’s kind of hilarious. And I find them and their audience really anthropologically fascinating, too.
The movie is supposed to be somewhat of an improvement, which is disappointing, but I’ll still see it. Anyway, the word is that the author was unhappy with the changes made to her masterpiece, and is now wanting to write the next script herself. I hope it happens. That movie would be a beautiful, enormous train wreck. No survivors.
MEH: American Sniper. Honestly, I just don’t know anything about it. I assume it has something to to with the USA and long-range scoped rifles, but.
LEAST: Spongebob Squarepants. I don’t like the show that much, and the first movie even less so. I think I’d just find it boring and unfunny.
50 Shades does strike me as the kind of movie that might be deeply uncomfortable to watch in theater. But I will also admit to being sort of curious about seeing it, in a half-horrified/half-anthropological study kind of way.
I’m most likely to see American Sniper. It’s one that, honestly, I want to wand just haven’t gotten around to. Plus, some of my hometown friends knew him (I grew up in Cedar Hill, which is right next to Midlothian, where he lived and/or grew up). SpongeBob is meh. I have kids that love SB, so we will probably see it at some point. 50 Shades I absolutely refuse to ever watch or in any way contribute to it’s financial success. It glorifies an abusive relationship by masquerading as a “romantic story”. The books are apparently badly written drivel that is an insult to anyone that legimately is in a BDSM lifestyle. So no. Nope. Nuh-unh.
Based on the idea that this gunman is making us pay to see the movie, I’ll see Spongebob and NOT 50SoG. I’m not comfortable with contributing money to a franchise with an author who openly ridicules survivors of sexual assault online, and I work with kids so I might actually be able to salvage the brain cells killed by ‘bob and use the knowledge somehow.