It’s well documented on this blog that I genuinely enjoy watching shitty movies, but there are movies that even I’M like No, no, I never ever need to see that. I was reminded of this earlier today when I was glancing at showtimes for Kingsman: The Secret Service and saw all the other, clearly inferior movies NOT starring Colin Firth that were playing. And thus a random poll was born:
The Random ‘Gun to Your Head: Rank These Movies’ Poll
Fifty Shades of Grey
SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water
All of these movies are playing at the downtown theater where I live, and I cannot stress this enough: I will not be seeing ANY of them in theater unless one of two things happens:
A.) Someone actually pays me to go watch one of these movies.
B.) Some wandering psycho with a sadistic interest in forcing people to watch movies they have no earthly desire to see actually puts a gun to my head and says, “Watch one of these films, or you DIE.”
Both of these scenarios seem fairly unlikely; regardless, we’re just going to pretend Scenario B is a real thing that is currently happening to you. What I need from you today is a ranking: of those three movies above, which would you MOST want to see and which would you LEAST want to see? From that, I’ll manage to extrapolate your middle choice because I’m smart like that.
MOST: Fifty Shades of Grey
LEAST: American Sniper
Reason: Jamie Dornan and Spongebob Squarepants are both sexier than Bradley Cooper.
(Providing any kind of reason/commentary is completely optional but always welcomed. Although if you say that Spongebob Squarepants is sexier than Bradley Cooper, I may doubt the veracity of your claim and/or be seriously concerned about your mental health.)
Now, some of you may be thinking, Hey, asshole, I’ve already seen Fifty Shades or Look, I genuinely do want to watch Spongebob, okay? And that’s fine — everyone has different tastes, and I want to hear from you too! The same rules apply. If you’ve already seen one of these movies, go ahead and put it in your number one spot. (Unless you were dragged to it, I suppose. Then please leave a note of some kind explaining your choices.) If you’ve seen more than one, put them in the order you were most interested in. If you’d rather have someone kill you than see any of these movies, you and I need to have a long talk about your priorities.
This arbitrary poll will be open a week. Your participation is most appreciated.