Well, the votes have been tallied. Should some wandering psychopath force you to see either American Sniper, Fifty Shades of Grey, or SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, the majority of you would choose to see .  .

Anything that wasn’t Fifty Shades of Grey.

Yes, American Sniper and SpongeBob tied for most desirable film. Meanwhile, there was obviously little contest on which film was least desirable.

No competition here, although I suppose it’s worth noting that the LEAST objectionable movie was apparently SpongeBob, which only received one vote for No God, Don’t Make Me Go, No God. (On the other hand, nobody seemed actively interested in SpongeBob, whereas a few people already watched or were genuinely excited to see American Sniper.)

I’m basically the opposite of all this. If forced, I’m actually far more inclined to watch Fifty Shades of Grey, mostly because I think I could write a pretty decent review of it. Fifty Shades and American Sniper are obviously the two controversial movies on this list, and I think I’m far more suited to critique the former. If Fifty Shades fills me with rage, I feel like I could use that anger more productively, and if it’s just a ridiculously bad movie, I’m pretty sure I could have a good time mocking the crap out of it. If American Sniper fills me with rage, though, I worry that I wouldn’t be able to properly verbalize that anger, that it’d leave me feeling inarticulate and useless. And if it’s just a ridiculously bad movie (which I don’t actually expect it to be), well, obviously I won’t have nearly as much fun mocking it as I would Mr. Singular Tastes.

(If you’re not sure why American Sniper is considered controversial, you may want to read this critique of the film written by another American sniper or this article discussing the rise in hate speech on social media following the film’s release.)

Alternatively, I could actually like one or both of these movies, I suppose. But as I’m not expecting to, I don’t particularly want to pay for the privilege of viewing them, at least not in theater.

Still, the movie I would least like to see is actually SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water. I may not be able to successfully contribute anything worthwhile to the discussion of American Sniper, but at least if I saw it, I could be sure that whatever positive or negative impressions of the movie I had were mine. On the other hand, SpongeBob — less topical — is not a cartoon I’m overly familiar with. However, the tiny bits of it I have seen have struck me as fairly damn annoying. At home, I could at least play on my computer or do chores as I watched it, but at the theater I would just be stuck staring at a fifty-foot-tall sponge in stupid looking shorts while surrounded by small children probably crying because that’s what small children do in movie theaters. Not ideal.

Thanks, everyone, for playing! I enjoyed this one — I’ll definitely have to come up with more polls that feature our wandering psychopath and his malevolent, cinema-imposing ways. (Hmm. I should name him. I’ll work on that.)