Jem and the Holograms

Now, I didn’t actually watch the 80’s cartoon. My sister did, but I’m a few years too young for it. We did have some of dolls, though: Jem, Rio, and Storm — well, Stormer, I guess. We never called her that. Also, young, suave Rio in this movie is particularly hilarious to me, since our Rio was kind of an ugly doll with purple hair and no legs. In our Barbie games, he tended to be a villainous and/or scheming millionaire who would very often get murdered to start the plot. I was sure Google would help with the visual assist, but I can’t seem to find the dolls, or at least, not the right ones. Anyway, I didn’t think I really had any particular expectations for this movie — I certainly wasn’t expecting soapy murder mysteries with shocking death traps, sadly — but I guess I figured there’d be, like, holograms? The Misfits? Some kind of an action scene?

Instead, Jem and the Holograms appears to be a two hour version of “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt — or a remake of Josie and the Pussycats, but without Alan Cumming, Rosario Dawson, attempted murder, or subliminal messaging. Basically, it looks like suckiness. And I can’t help but be disappointed that the music isn’t, you know, even vaguely punk. I’m not saying I needed the Sex Pistols here. But this is just so . . .ugh.

Crimson Peak

I’m still not hugely interested in the plot of this one — newly married woman, duplicitous husband, spooky house, blah blah blahcakes — but I have to admit some of the shots look fantastic, and the fashion. I don’t even want to see this for Tom Hiddleston. I want to see this for Mia Wasikowska’s costumes. They’re so awesome. Pretty dresses and bloodshed. That’s what I’m interested in.

Although, honestly, I’d be at least 20% more excited about this movie if our heroine looked like she might actually have something of a personality instead of just being a terrorized blonde woman in a big white dress. That’s not a knock to Wasikowska, because I think she’s a hell of an actress. But if her character has actual character traits, and ones that aren’t, like, virtue . . . well. Let’s just say I’d be surprised.

Supergirl

I have incredibly mixed feelings about this.

People have been comparing this trailer to the Black Widow skit SNL recently did, and honestly, it’s not hard to see why. I automatically want to support any female-lead superhero show because I know so many women, myself very much included, who love superheroes and comic books and action movies, and it pisses me off that Hollywood won’t take us seriously. I want to be supportive, but in this new era of Superhero TV, I watch this trailer and think, “This isn’t what I want from a female superhero show. I want badass fight scenes, hard choices, interesting characters, explosions. I don’t want boy drama and lattes and oh, I can’t remember my name because you’re hot and I’m a girl, hee hee hee, whoops, look at me trip now.”

That all being said . . . what I want from a female-led superhero show probably isn’t what a Supergirl show should be about. Supergirl has, to my understanding, always been a considerably lighter character than many other DC players, and I genuinely like Kara’s enthusiasm here and how she pretty much embraces being different and powered and awesome. I like that she isn’t hiding her true nature from either her sister or best friend (although the nerdy BFF who has a crush on her — ugh, let’s drop him down a well), and there are a couple of moments that actually made me laugh. So, it’s not what I want, but that doesn’t make it bad. Not yet, anyway.

I will probably give Supergirl a try. But if they actually use that terrible, “This is My Fight Song,” in the show itself, I will not be responsible for my actions. Seriously, forget whatever I said about the music in Jem and the Holograms. Gah. This just kills me.

Legends of Tomorrow

Now, this, I’m a lot more interested in, even if it looks like it could be something of a hot mess. Seriously, Victor Garber’s skepticism seems well-founded. I knew Captain Cold and Heatwave were in this show, but they’re on the team? Good God. Dominic Purcell is going to take down his camp factor by about 20%, right? I mean, I roll my eyes and deal with it on The Flash, but I don’t know if I can take that shit every single week.

Still. Ha, they’re bringing in Vandal Savage. The team constantly traveling through time to try and take down their immortal archnemesis could be fun. And I’m interested in both White Canary and Hawkgirl, even if this isn’t the Hawkgirl I fell in love with on JLU. Also, despite his creepy stalker beginnings, I kind of adore Atom, not to mention time-traveling Rory. So, yeah, I’m interested.

Whether I think this show can keep itself glued together or not, though . . . that remains to be seen.

Between

Huh. This is like The 100 meets The Stand meets Under the Dome, or something. The basic premise is kind of interesting, but I’m not sure the teaser itself is doing much for me. I feel like it’s not doing anything particularly new with the concept, but it is a relatively short trailer and the show itself could be more exciting. I’ll probably wait to see what everyone else says before giving it a try myself.

Containment

And . . . it’s another mysterious disease/quarantine show, only this one doesn’t just kill everyone over the age of 22 because of Reasons. (What cracks me up is that this show is on CW, while the show you’d think would be on CW is actually on Netflix.) I’m slightly more interested in Containment, though not hugely excited by it, either. Mostly, I’m just distracted by Aeryn Sun with a shaky American accent and what appears to be a Goldilocks wig. Seriously, I couldn’t stop thinking of Farscape and “John Quixote,” only here I’m supposed to take her seriously? It’s . . . weird. I really don’t get it.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Oh my God, KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Okay, look. I know it’s a comedy, and I don’t necessarily object to more singing and big dance numbers on TV, but . . . it’s an entire show centered around a crazy woman who moves across the country to follow a guy who dumped her, like, ten years ago. That’s the premise of the show: that women be nuts. Maybe I could’ve gotten around it if the main character was the only crazy woman, but she’s not — apparently, she has this friend who tells her she’s not insane, she’s just in love, and he must be too because otherwise his Facebook status would have changed, and oh my God, it’s seriously a whole show about how women turn into crazy idiots whenever men are involved.

The bartender getting a funny at the end isn’t enough. I need something else to cheer me up now.

Finally . . . Lucifer

Well, that did it.

Seriously, I know this is a ridiculous premise. I know it will be a ridiculous show. I know virtually nothing about it makes sense, but the guy playing Lucifer is stupidly charming, and I now want to see him solve crimes.

Look, I didn’t say I had shame. But I like to laugh, and man, I grinned all the way through that.