“This Is Sounding Less Like a Magic Trick And More Like Assault.”

Man. I’ve been so busy lately with work and edits and smoke inhalation that I’ve been neglecting my review for one of my very favorite obsessions.

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Season 5A of Teen Wolf just ended (well, a couple of weeks ago now) and I’ve got to tell you — it’s not a perfect season, but I think it’s a huge improvement over the last one.

DISCLAIMER:

As always with my Teen Wolf reviews/recaps/theses, there are SPOILERS EVERYWHERE. I’m pretty sure only about two people are going to read this, though, so I’m not exactly stressing myself out about it. I really need more Teen Wolf fans in my life.

SUMMARY:

Things have been pretty good in Beacon Hills lately, with the minor exception of Liam occasionally running around naked during the full moon. But things take a serious turn for the worse when (the majority of) Scott McCall’s pack enters senior year and has to face off against the seemingly omnipotent Dread Doctors and their failed science experiments, including one very chiseled werewolf/werecoyote hybrid, Theo (Cody Christian), who works to take down the pack from within.

NOTES:

1. So, I enjoyed Season 4 in a lot of ways — I mean, I’m a full blown fangirl; I’m probably going to enjoy Teen Wolf till the bitter, ab-tastic end — but I did feel like they made some missteps, particularly when it came to tone and emotional fallout from the previous season. They went upbeat when I wanted bittersweet. They went from Spock’s tragic death and concerning resurrection to goofy Save the Whales adventure! (Yeah, I’m making that dig. Suck it, fellow Trekkies! Also, that’s totally not true — Season 4 wasn’t anywhere near that goofy; they just didn’t really deal with consequences or price like I had hoped.) But this time?

Man, this time TW went to the Dark Place fast, and then just stayed there all season. 5A is not an upper. 5A is Scott McCall’s Pack of Broken Toys failing to save anyone, like, over and over and over again. By the end, even I was like, “Okay, damn, these guys really need a win.” (Which I think we’ll start getting next season, although maybe not in the very first episode. I’ve been reading interviews with Jeff Davis, and if this was the Season of Gloom and Despair, I’m thinking 5B will be more like the Season of Hope and Rebuilding? Only with still a little more emotional fallout, I think, because both Stiles & Scott and Scott & Liam have some trust issues to work out. But more on that in a bit.)

In some ways, I feel like Season 5A was written just for me. It addressed a lot of concerns I mentioned in my Season 4 Review, which was actually pretty awesome. (I like to pretend Jeff Davis actually read my review and thought, “You know, this snarky girl from Northern California makes some pretty solid points about my show. I should think about these things.” Look, we all have dreams, okay?) So, I was pretty jazzed about this whole season — but I do think the first half is stronger than the second, where the pacing feels a little off, particularly in the last few episodes and especially in the season finale. Oh my god, the finale. But, okay, we’ll get to that.

I’m having trouble figuring out how I want to structure this epic nightmare of a review. Let’s start by examining some relationship dynamics and just go from there, okay?

2. Scott and Stiles – The Bromance is Dead

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Okay, the bromance is totally not dead. But it seriously needs some fucking Band-Aids.

So, when I was talking about consequences before? Yeah, a lot of that had to do with Stiles. In Season 3B, Stiles is possessed by a chaotic Japanese fox spirit, thinks he’s losing his mind, and ends up killing some people. It’s not exactly happy times. In Season 4, though, they only make one mention of it, one, and it kind of drove me nuts, both as a Stiles fangirl, and as a person who just genuinely enjoys emotional continuity. I also wasn’t won over by any of the arguments positing that Stiles’s humanity was necessary to the show, though admittedly, this was more of a personal pet peeve than a plot complaint.

But in 5A, Teen Wolf managed to make Stiles’s humanity interesting to me in a way it just hadn’t been before, and I think a lot of that had to do with the brewing conflict between Neutral Good Scott, Alpha Werewolf, and Chaotic Good Stiles, Human Detective. (Before this season, I probably would have characterized Scott as Lawful Good, but with the Sheriff — who is obviously Lawful Good — having his whole moral dilemma about not breaking the rules for anyone, I’m just not sure. Thoughts?)

For the most part, I thought Teen Wolf did a really good job building that conflict, like, they start laying the foundations in pretty early.

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This is probably one of my favorite scenes in the whole season, where Scott confronts Stiles about his ongoing trust issues, and Stiles — who clearly has some anger issues as well — nearly breaks his hand by punching his beloved Jeep. I like it because it’s such a perfectly distilled representation about the dichotomy between them (trust everyone/trust no one), but also because Teen Wolf is already setting Scott up to believe Theo’s story later on, that Stiles just temporarily lost it. It’s not such a hard scenario to believe, if you think about it: Stiles is an impulsive, anxious, and pretty angry character; combine that with a pissed off wendigo-hybrid and Stiles’s well-documented desperation to protect his dad, and it’s pretty easy to imagine a scenario where Stiles slid from self-defense into actual murder. Hell, Theo’s version of events isn’t that different from a fanfiction I wrote, so yeah, I can buy Scott’s doubt later on.

The other scene setting up the Big Fight is the “Is It Ever Okay to Kill Someone?” debate outside Eichen House. This is right after Stiles secretly killed Donovan in self-defense, so we all know what side of the argument he’s on — and he makes some pretty valid points. But Scott’s also not wrong when he says that Tracy and Lucas were victims, and though he never brings it up, Scott could just as easily have pointed out that killing either of them wouldn’t have been much different than killing Stiles when he was possessed by the Nogitsune. (Oh my God, I want to squee so hard about Void Stiles, but we’ll save that for now. Organization. Discipline. This is totally not what I’m known for.) Every moral conflict is instantly a 1,000 times better when the characters on opposite sides of the argument are both making reasonable points, so, yeah, this is a pretty great scene, too.

But it all starts to come apart when Stiles and Scott finally have the Big Fight you’ve been waiting all season for.

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I’ve read a few different critiques of this scene now, and honestly, it doesn’t bother me as much as it bothered other reviewers. I certainly didn’t care about the melodramatic rain; this is Teen Wolf, people! I expect a little melodramatic rain. I’m more disappointed that they weren’t yelling at each other shirtlessly. (Well, Scott, anyway. I’m convinced Dylan O’Brien has it in his contract that he never has to take off his shirt; that, or Jeff Davis is actively trolling us. This is also likely — I’m convinced it’s one of the guy’s favorite activities in the world.)

I love when Stiles yells that not everyone can be a True Alpha like Scott, that some of them have to get a little blood on their hands. I surprisingly buy the moment when Scott steps back as Stiles comes toward him with his supposed Murder Wrench. But it kills me that Stiles never actually says, “Donovan was gonna eat me,” or something like that. It’s implied, sure, but he never actually says it and — I just don’t buy it. I don’t. Instead of saying what he would obviously say, Stiles brings up his dad twice, and yeah, Donovan’s desire to kill the Sheriff is certainly important, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with why Stiles accidentally killed Donovan with a handy bit of scaffolding. Stiles did that because Donovan was trying to eat his legs at the time. That’s your motive right there.

There’s an argument to be made, I suppose, that sometimes people don’t say what they actually mean, that they forget the other person in the conversation doesn’t have the same picture in their head and are missing out on vital clues. And I think that’s what TW was going for, but — nope, I still don’t buy it. I don’t buy Stiles not once explicitly saying, “He was going to kill me.” Cause the thing is, even if he had said it? I think Scott has enough reason to doubt Stiles’s word, or at least his definition of self-defense. (For me, it’s less that Scott trusts Theo over Stiles and more that he doesn’t trust Stiles to know where the line is.) But without Stiles saying it, without those words? The scene reads a bit too much like manufactured drama. Which is kind of a bummer because, as I said, I was super into this conflict all season.

Still, I’m pretty interested to see where it all goes in 5B, now that Scott realizes he was super wrong about trusting Theo and Stiles knows he can make the hard choice between his father’s life and his BFF’s.

3. Liam and Scott – In the Name of the Super Moon, I will FUCKING SLAUGHTER YOU

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So, Scott and Liam have their own woes this year, namely that Liam blames Scott for repeatedly failing to save his ladylove, Hayden (Victoria Moroles). When she starts dying, Liam’s Massive Anger Issues erupt during the Super Moon (which is, apparently, a real thing — well, the Super Moon is, anyway, not so much its effect on supernatural creatures) and he tries to kill the shit out of Scott. (Liam also gets, like, stupidly buff during this scene. He suddenly seems about four times his usual size. Personally, I thought it was hilarious.)

Like Stiles, Liam’s anger issues (already previously introduced) are nicely foreshadowed in the beginning of the season. He and Scott actually have some pretty decent scenes in the first episode about trying to learn control, and the idea of his arc — where Liam ultimately turns against his benevolent Werewolf Daddy — makes total sense. In general, I ended up liking Liam a lot more than I did last season. He’s still far from my favorite, but he did make me laugh a few times, which is always great.

The problem, unfortunately, is this:

4. Liam and Hayden – I Hate You, I Hate You — Wait, Never Leave Me Again!

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Look, antagonistic chemistry is totally and forever going to be a thing when it comes to romantic relationships, but it is so pathetically forced between these two. See, Hayden’s a new character, and we’re forced to watch her snipe at Liam for Mysterious Reasons for about five episodes before we finally find out that, years before, she accidentally wandered into one of Liam’s fights and ended up with a black eye on Picture Day. Which, sure, I’d be pretty pissed too, and I was definitely happy to see that Hayden had given Liam a couple of black eyes himself . . . but to be maintaining this level of active hostility four years later feels more than a little contrived. I could probably get over it, except that Hayden has virtually nothing else to do but bitch at Liam for the first half of the season, which (a) does absolutely zero for her likability, and (b) makes her feel less like a real person and more like a badly written Tough Female Stereotype. She is such a manufactured love interest that I just started rolling my eyes any time she came on screen.

Plus, that scene where she and Liam are, like, competing against each other while practicing completely different sports? Yeah. That was dumb. It doesn’t help any that there doesn’t appear to be a goalie in front of Hayden’s net, so her scores seem considerably less impressive than whenever Liam makes a goal.

Equally annoying: you know Hayden’s going to be a love interest the second you see her, and yet Liam’s Undying Love still feels way too sudden and artificial. I’m okay with them getting together quickly — they’re young, the stakes are high, yada yada yada — but suddenly Liam’s whole life seems to be about keeping Hayden safe, and for all his previously addressed anger issues, I just don’t buy her as the motivation for all his GIGANTIC WEREWOLF RAGE in the season finale. I mean, come on, guys, they’ve been together for like a second. If Mason had been in danger, though, that I might have bought.

On the upside, Hayden does start getting better the moment she (legitimately) freaks out and punches Idiot Liam in the face.

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I have re-watched this scene now an unacceptable amount of times, and I’ve got to tell you: it’s still cracking my shit up. Hell, I laugh just thinking about it. If I ever had to make a Top 20 Teen Wolf Moments list — oh Christ, don’t even think about that, brain — I’m pretty sure this one would go on there; I laughed that hard.

Hopefully, Hayden will get a little more to do and thus become more interesting once 5B comes around — although I worry that her inevitable star-crossed romance with Liam might take up too much screen time. (Unless Liam goes over to Theo’s side, but I doubt that’s going to happen. Scott undoubtedly made a few mistakes this season, but between the two of them, I’d say Liam probably owes Scott the bigger ‘Dude, I Fucked Up’ apology.)

5. Lydia, Kira, and Malia – Females Are Strong As Hell

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So, I read this article on TV.com that argued that the female characters on Teen Wolf all had serious room for improvement, that they were primarily played as solely love interests and that none of them had stepped up to becoming a strong female lead like Allison Argent. It’s an interesting argument and one I might have partially agreed with in Season Four (only partially, though, especially because — while I grew to like Allison over time — I don’t think she was nearly as independent or strong of a character as this reviewer believes), but it’s absolutely NOT one I agree with in 5A. Because in 5A, all the women — excepting poor Hayden, of course — have got their own shit going on, and it’s awesome.

I’ll be discussing each of the girls (plus Melissa McCall, who has been consistently awesome since Day One) later on, but I just wanted to quickly throw out there that, in my opinion, Teen Wolf has some pretty great female characters, and the improvement in their story arcs (particularly Kira’s) is another one of my favorite things about this season.

The best episode highlighting this is “Dreamcatchers,” where we have Girl Friendship Scenes (Kira and Lydia attempting to teach Malia how to drive), Girl Detective Scenes (Banshee Lydia leading the girls to the bodies; Kira and Lydia investigating Tracy’s bedroom), and Girls Save the Day Scenes (Lydia getting stabbed trying to protect her mom; Kira getting her badass kitsune on and cutting Tracy’s tail straight off; Malia leaving the boys behind to defeat Tracy on her own, while simultaneously overcoming her own predatory instincts and getting through to the kanima-hybrid.) Honestly, the boys don’t do much in “Dreamcatchers” except get their asses temporarily paralyzed.

I will say, though, that there’s definitely room for more Girl Friendship scenes because, as much as I like me a Stiles/Scott bromance, I’d love to see more actual bonding time between the female characters, not to mention . . . how do I phrase this, exactly? . . . some kind of callback to earlier scenes? Like what Kira and Lydia went through together in that episode was kind of intense; Kira was keeping Lydia from bleeding out until Evil Theo and his Life-Saving Belt finally showed up. It’d be cool for them to reference shit like that again. I mean, it doesn’t have to be that specific scene; I just want the girls to share more of an arc, to have their own fully developed ladymances.

This is actually one of the reasons I’m excited that Recently Resurrected Tracy (Kelsey Chow) is coming back in 5B.

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I’m not exactly sure why, but I liked Tracy right from the start (a whole lot more than I ever liked Hayden), and I’m excited by the idea of her dynamic with Lydia (who was trying to help her before anyone else) and Malia (who finally got through to her, only to watch her die). I know Tracy’s currently on the Side of Evil, and that’s fine for now, but I’m going to be awfully disappointed if the show makes her a by-the-numbers henchmen and/or doesn’t take the opportunity to capitalize on her relationships with the other female characters.

6. Lydia at Eichen House – Banshee’s Got Skills

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5A starts out in an appropriately dark place: Lydia is a catatonic patient at Eichen House, and if you thought maybe they’d start hiring more appropriate employees after one of them turned out to be a serial killer, ha! Brunski’s practically a JV Psycho when you compare him to Deeply Unsympathetic Nurse Ratched and Pervy Creepy McCreeperson — that whole scene with him maliciously stabbing Lydia with the syringe was, like, uber disturbing. I was fucking bothered, okay?

But then Lydia wakes up screaming and proceeds to kick so much ass.

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So one of my other criticisms about Season Four: it seemed more than a little ridiculous that the pack members without super strength wouldn’t have bothered to learn how to fight or carry a wolfsbane gun or do something to protect themselves from the supernatural. Therefore, I was ecstatic to see Lydia kicking the shit out of everyone at Eichen House — not to mention hella intrigued by her New Banshee Super Scream. (Of course, it’s pretty hysterical that Lydia apparently learned jiu jitsu in one session while still recovering from major surgery — but I’m prepared to overlook that because it makes me laugh. Also amusing: Parrish being all like, sure, I totes know a little jiu jitsu.) It was especially nice that Lydia decided to learn after Tracy nearly killed her. If there’s one thing that can motivate you to take up self-defense, it’s a near-death experience at the hands (or tail) of a lizard monster.

We find out why Lydia’s catatonic by the end of 5A (Theo, you fucker), but she’s not at Eichen House yet — my best guess is that her mother will commit her, especially because Natalie Martin seems to be working a pretty hard core case of willful denial right now, and I doubt she’d listen to the pack even if they told her that Eichen House was a terrible place to go. (If Stiles or Malia signs off on the plan to send Lydia to Eichen House, I will be furious.) I can’t wait to see what happens to her there — I hope she kicks Valack right in the face. Theo too, eventually.

7. Lydia and Stiles – I Ship Them But I Kinda Don’t Ship Them But I — Look, I Just Love Them, Okay, STOP PRESSURING ME!

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Here’s the thing: I absolutely did not ship Stiles and Lydia in Seasons 1 or 2. Maybe a tiny, tiny bit at the end of Season 2 (I really do like the scene where Lydia goes to Stiles for help saving Jackson and Stiles kind of yells in her face about people getting hurt), but at the beginning, their dynamic didn’t feel much less forced to me than Liam and Hayden’s, and worse, they were on such unequal footing that any relationship between the two of them seemed doomed to be unhealthy. But once Lydia really became part of the pack and stopped being just a love interest for Stiles or Jackson, once Lydia and Stiles became actual friends? I could totally see them together. By then, the show had earned a relationship between their characters; plus, the actors had pretty good chemistry with one another. So . . . yeah, I kind of ship them.

On the other hand . . . I also just love their friendship, and certain scenes mean a little more to me if they aren’t intended to be romantic. For instance, when Stiles totally freezes up after seeing Lydia’s been attacked.

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This is a perfectly legitimate response to seeing one of your best friends trying not to die on a police station floor, but for some reason, it’s also the kind of reaction you only seem to get in Hollywood if the two characters are romantically entangled. I adore how much Lydia and Stiles care about each other, like when Lydia tries to keep Stiles away from Eichen House and Stiles refuses to let Lydia go without her. It’s awesome we get these kind of scenes even though they’re Just Friends — as if friendships are somehow less meaningful than romantic entanglements — so if they actually do get together, I don’t know, I’d be kind of bummed. And it’s interesting, because I’m perfectly okay with the idea that these two might not be fully platonic friends — like they both might always wonder if we/will we, etc. — but I’m not sure I want them to actually get together. Though I suspect it would bother me less if there were more strictly platonic relationships in Teen Wolf — like if the show spent some time on Stiles and Kira being buddies, or Scott and Malia playing video games, or something like that.

Either way it goes, I will always be happy to see more of the Stiles and Lydia Detective Agency. Scott commenting on their relationship was pretty interesting, too.

8. Stiles and Theo – Now THIS Is How You Do Antagonistic Chemistry

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So, Theo is an evil little shit. I’m happy we’re told this almost immediately, and I’m hugely relieved that everyone knows by the end of 5A. His Secret Smarmy Evil was totally fine for the first half of the year, but it would have been excruciating if it had gone on any longer. Also, I don’t know why it’s taken so long to get Christian on the show because he’s basically out of the Teen Wolf male model catalog. Like, there’s a certain look a lot of the Teen Wolf guys have got going on: Theo, Jackson, Liam, Isaac. I think the technical term for that look is Cheekbones, and it’s not a bad look or anything. I’m just saying. They all look like they were carved out of cream cheese. They are the Cream Cheese Boys of MTV.

Anyway, I love that there’s never really a point when Stiles completely trusts Theo. The conversation they have outside the vet clinic is nothing short of amazing. I clearly have too many favorite flavors of Stiles to pick just one, but Sassy I-Don’t-Give-a-Fuck Stiles is definitely up there. Now that Theo’s “hey-I’m-evil” secret is out of the bag, I kind of just want these two to snark at/try to kill each other, like, all the time. (This used to be Derek’s role, in a way, except that instead of trying to kill each other, Stiles and Derek reluctantly saved one another’s lives. I kind of miss that dynamic — but unpopular opinion? I think the show is a little better without Derek as a main cast member. More on that blasphemy in a while.)

I must say that, for as evil as Theo is — and he IS evil because when he basically stole that hug Stiles desperately needs from his dad, I kind of wanted to kill him, on a level that was surprising even for someone who’s invested enough to write 10,000 words analyzing a damn TV show — for all that, I’m not convinced Theo’s a great planner. I mean, I know the Dread Doctors were upping his time table and all (and I did love it whenever Theo was clearly intimidated by them) but even though he did (temporarily) kill Scott and break up the pack . . . I don’t know, it just didn’t seem all that well-conceived? But hey, the dude knows how to smirk evilly, I’ll give him that. Derek and Jackson should come back and they can all just stand in a room, smirking at one another. (Hm, maybe Jackson would have been a better comparison before. I guess Stiles just has antagonistic chemistry with lots of people.)

In the meantime, the best thing Theo did all season was try to draw out Void Stiles. Seriously, I was ecstatic during that scene — actual consequences from 3B, FINALLY! I am all about Stiles dealing with, like, his potential killer instincts and shit. If they have a scene where Stiles dreams that he has Killer Blue Eyes, I will do a fucking dance, my hand to God.

Speaking of characters with killer instincts . . .

9. Malia and the Desert Wolf – Uh, No More Wire Hangers?

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One of the (many) reasons I disagree so strongly with that article I linked to earlier is that I’ve never thought of Malia as “just” Stiles’s girlfriend, and not even because this season seems to be hinting at their potential breakup. Malia has far too much character to be just anyone’s anything. The fact that she spent the majority of her life as a coyote isn’t just some background factoid on her Teen Wolf Wiki page; Malia is constantly stuck in the “not quite a coyote/not quite a girl” place, and I love that. I actually agree far more with a different TV.com reviewer, who — in his recap here — argues that love interests and female characters in general just aren’t usually allowed to be as downright weird as Malia is. (Also, his recaps are hilarious and worth reading, if you don’t already.) Malia is a love interest, but that’s not all she is, which really is how it should be for everyone on TV. Also: movies, books, basically anything with a story. Character first, love interest second.

Malia has a few things going on this season: reigning in those killer instincts, not dealing well with failure, some UST with Abs McEvil — yeah, that may be how I’m referring to Theo for the remainder of this godamn treatise review. But her main story has to do with her birth mother, the Desert Wolf (a well-cast Marisol Nichols). Turns out, Malia didn’t kill her adopted mom and sister after all; the Desert Wolf did while trying to murder her own daughter. (Which lends credence to Stiles’s idea that Killer Blue Eyes is more reflective of guilty feelings than some kind of Supernatural Decree.)

Malia finds this out in basically the worst way possible: hallucinating during a driving lesson with Abs McEvil. (Evil McAbs? Evil Cream Cheese? Damn it, Carlie. Must. Focus.) Apparently, Malia’s flashback was caused by reading the Dread Doctors book, but I didn’t get that at all until the next episode because (a) she’d already been having mini flashbacks prior to reading the novel, and (b) I didn’t realize the book could also dig up non-Dread-Doctor related memories until half the pack was reliving all their suppressed bullshit. (I actually loved all this, though, both the sudden switch to widescreen and the boatloads of angst that went along with the hallucinations. I am always happy about any weird visions, nightmares, or other trippy dream imagery — it is one of my very favorite things about Teen Wolf.)

Because of all this, Malia — who had previously given up her search for her mass murdering mother — decided to engage in a secret mission: track down the Desert Wolf and kill her. Unfortunately for her, the Desert Wolf somehow found out and is now back on her way to Beacon Hills, looking to kill Malia as well. (After doing who knows what with poor Deaton. Man. You just want to go look at one mad scientist’s abandoned laboratory in Russia, and a murderous werecoyote ends up capturing you. Some people have no manner of luck at all.)

Now it’s just a matter of waiting for January so we can all watch the awkward homicidal family reunions in 5B. Looking forward to it!

10. Kira Yukimura and Her Sword-Belt – Bladed Fashion Accessories Are a Girl’s Best Friend

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I’ve liked Kira since she arrived in 3B, but she definitely didn’t have much to do last season other than be Scott’s GF and, also, lose a lot of sword fights. She always looked pretty awesome in the sword fights, but nevertheless, she got knocked out, like, a lot. She was kind of Teen Wolf’s Worf, if Worf was an adorkable teenage girl. (Somebody! Anybody! MAKE THIS HAPPEN!) And despite having badass thunder and lightning powers, Kira never did anything with them, something I definitely complained about in my review.

In this season, though, Arden Cho has so much more to work with. (And a belt that turns into A SWORD. Holy shit. Best. Accessory. Ever.) Unbeknownst to her (at least, at the time), the Dread Doctors did something to Kira, and the kitsune inside her didn’t respond very well to it. We don’t know exactly what they did or why, but the result seems to be that Kira has become a badass who can actually land a blow. I cheered when she cut off Tracy’s lizard tail, I swear to God. I really loved that fight scene. That whole episode, really.

Another fight scene I really enjoyed: that unfortunate time Kira almost killed her mother.

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Up till this point, I didn’t actually think there was anything very seriously wrong with Kira — I figured it was one of those typical misunderstanding deals, like when Derek was supposedly dying last season but was actually EVOLVING. (Yeah, I’m still mocking that a little.) I was so sure that the message Theo recorded was actually an intentional mistranslation in order to further wedge Kira and Scott apart. But once she nearly took out her own mom, I was forced to admit I was probably wrong. And as much as I’m all for Team Kira Kill, I just like her parents way too much to see her (or anyone else) murder them. I worry about Ken and Noshiko, especially Noshiko. Right now they’re not in any real danger, but Kira still has two living parents and they are, in the tradition of Teen Wolf, both pretty awesome — so yeah, I worry about them a lot. (I should probably be more concerned about the Sheriff who, last we saw, was currently trying not to die himself — but I don’t actually think they’re going to kill him. If I’m wrong, though, man. We’re definitely seeing Void Stiles in Season 5B.)

After possibly killing one of the teenage hybrids and getting temporarily arrested for murder, Kira and her parents have left Beacon Hills, presumably to look for answers about what’s going on with her and how to fix it. Not that Ken should have gone with them, of course, since he confessed to Kira’s supposed crime and gets arrested himself. Luckily for him, though, Parrish has been stealing the bodies of the hybrids (more on that later), so the police had to let him go because — er, no body, no crime?

Um. UM.

Seriously, I’m aware that I’m not in law enforcement, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how that saying is supposed to work. It’s not like the police never saw the body. It’s not like they don’t presumably have pictures of it. Come on, dudes: a guy confessed to killing someone who you know was killed. It wasn’t subtle or anything; she had a sword sticking out of her chest. Whether some random corpse-thief stole the body later or not is kind of irrelevant.

Beacon Hills Police Department, we need to talk — and especially you, Sheriff Stilinski.

11. Sheriff Stilinski and Melissa McCall – The Slap Heard ‘Round the World

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Jeff Davis is a giant troll. I know I’ve never met the man, nor will I ever meet the man, but nonetheless, I remain convinced: the Sheriff (who has no first name, apparently, because people like Scott and Lydia keep awkwardly referring to him as Stilinski when they totally wouldn’t do that) FINALLY goes on a date with someone, and it’s Lydia’s mom. Of course, this was actually pretty cute because Linden Ashby and Susan Walters are actually married in real life, but . . . come ON. I have shipped Melissa McCall and the Sheriff harder than any other ship on this show — like, Stiles and Lydia, Lydia and Jackson, Jackson and Danny, Danny and Stiles, Stiles and Malia, Stiles and Derek, Stiles and Scott, Scott and Kira, Scott and Allison, Lydia and Allison, Allison and Isaac, Scott and Isaac, NO. It is ALL about the Sheriff and Melissa, god damn it.

5A — Season of Darkness and Despair — is, of course, when Melissa slaps the Sheriff right across the face.

So, that hybrid Kira may or may not have killed earlier? (I still say Evil Cream Cheese did it.) Melissa actually finds the body on her kitchen table. This is not considerate of whoever left the body there — how is she ever supposed to eat dinner off that thing now? Melissa calls the Sheriff, telling him to leave his badge at the door — but once he sees the body, the Sheriff calls it in and puts an APB out on Kira. Melissa immediately slaps him, as well she should.

At first, I was a little unsure how I felt about the Sheriff’s turn to Super Lawful Good, but it’s actually grown on me since. It doesn’t seem so OOC that he’d be struggling with how much he’s been forced to break the rules for the kids, though it does strike me as hypocritical when, not too long before, he was asking Melissa to let him look at confidential patient files, something she should totally bring up if this continues to be a problem for them.

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This was such a cute scene, though, and pretty reminiscent of one or two they’ve had in the past. The Sheriff’s crisis of conscience versus Melissa’s determination to put the kids first adds an interesting layer to their dynamic, and I actually wouldn’t mind seeing more of it (I absolutely adored her official statement, like, you go, Melissa McCall), but — damn it, I love when they play detective together, almost as much as I love when Stiles and Lydia do. So. Yeah, I kind of need them to get over all that (presuming he lives, of course) and, you know, JUST KISS ALREADY.

12. Melissa and Scott McCall – Someone’s Gunning for a “World’s Greatest Mom” Mug

scott mel 1

So, Scott makes a lot of poor choices this year. Trusting Theo, obviously. Invading that one kid’s mind without his consent. Not trusting Stiles. Lying to Kira. And, man, his plan to capture one of the Dread Doctors by using Hayden as bait was such a miserable failure that I could actually see why Liam might lose faith in him as a leader/Werewolf Daddy. Scott goes to the Super Low Place maybe three times this season, even going so far as to sit in a dark closet with the leash of his dead dog. (That he’s apparently kept since he was, like, three. Hopefully, someone’s cleaned off the bloodstains by now.)

And it’s up to Melissa to give him an inspirational speech each time this happens. Plus, you know, save his fucking life.

So, Liam almost kills Scott. Mason manages to stop him but unfortunately can’t stop Theo from finishing the job. Melissa, however, brings Scott back from the dead with grit, determination, and Magic CPR. Of course, CPR is usually magic in Hollywood, but there’s two kinds to distinguish between: the Breath of Life and the Mighty Hammer Strike. Melissa uses the Mighty Hammer Strike, and it doesn’t matter at all that Scott’s been dead for fifteen minutes because he’s a True Alpha and the star of the show and, also, because Melissa is just the very best.

. . . you know who should go on a shopping trip sometime? Melissa and Noshiko. Girl Friendship time need not be limited to the adolescents. These two would be great together.

13. Parrish and Lydia – Death Omens in Love

hh parrish1lydia4

So, I’m not sure I’m fully shipping Lydia and Parrish yet, but I’ll admit, I’m definitely more interested in them than I was last season. Now that we finally know what Parrish is (damn it, I never even considered hellhound), I’m really loving the whole death omen/finding bodies connection they’ve got going on. Their sexy fighting is kind of fun too, I guess —

lydia and parrish

— but my favorite scene with them was probably when they were holding hands while on opposite sides of the bars. That was cute, although I have zero idea what Parrish said to his co-workers to explain why he was imprisoning himself.

What I really like about their relationship (whether it stays on its current romantic track or goes somewhere else) is how Lydia, who’s already been through the “What the Hell Am I” stage of her supernatural career, is less frightened of her abilities now and wants to help Parrish feel the same way. It’s remarkable character growth for someone who really began the show as a shallow love interest/mean girl, and it makes me love her all the more. (I’ve basically just accepted my dual crushes on Stiles and Lydia now. Also, Kira, because what’s not to like about a fox girl on fire with a belt-sword?)

We still have a lot of unanswered questions about Parrish’s exact role in all this drama — like why he’s gotta be naked to collect bodies or what the fuck is up with this —

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— but I figure we’ll get start getting more answers in 5B, and I, for one, look forward to seeing them.

14. The Dread Doctors and the Chimeras – If At First You Don’t Succeed . . .

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So, I’ve enjoyed the Dread Doctors well enough this season — though it’d be awesome if I could understand a fucking word they were saying — but they’re definitely, like, omnipotent assholes with very little personality and no weaknesses of any kind. I’m actually okay with that for now, but I think we’re gonna need to change that up in 5B, sooner rather than later. Obviously, we need some answers on what the hell they’re even doing; again, what the shit is up with this

wtf

— but more importantly, I think the Dread Doctors need to suffer a loss, preferably to Scott, and well before the end of the season. I mean, in a way, I guess they’ve been failing all season with their chimeras, but they’ve also been slapping around the McCall pack left and right with, like, their little steampunk pinkies. I’d like to see that change up when the show returns in January.

(Also, while the lampshade was kind of funny — if I’d been in Beacon Hills, I would have refused, on moral principle, to call these dudes the Dread Doctors, no matter what some psych patient with a literal third eye in his forehead thought. They would have just been the Doctors, and that would have been that.)

Truthfully, though, the DD’s failed science experiments are really the most interesting things about them. I love the idea of someone using mad science to create supernatural creatures; I thought it was a really fun change-up to the mythology, and I particularly thought the “Tracy is a Kanima” reveal was nicely done. (Well, except for Stiles being all like, “I know what she is,” and then doing a dramatic pause for like eight years — that was all a little silly.)

Funny thing: when I watched the season finale, for some reason I just assumed that Theo resurrected all the dead chimeras. I had to re-watch it to realize he only brought back Tracy (kanima), Corey (invisible boy), Hayden (werewolf), and . . . uh, Josh? (kid who was chewing on power lines, I think?) I’m presuming Theo only stole enough Re-Animator juice for four; otherwise, why not bring back everyone, right?

I kind of wish Scorpion Boy Lucas was coming back instead of Josh, but I’m pretty happy about everyone else, especially Tracy. There should be some interesting dynamics there (hopefully, they won’t ONLY focus on Hayden and Liam), and I can see how each of them might want to stick with the guy who successfully brought them back from the dead — but like I said before, I really don’t want any of the chimeras to be purely snotty henchmen types. That’s boring and kind of done. Maybe Josh, who no one cares about. (Then again, Theo is also the one who killed Josh. I guess that could be interesting, too.)

Also, now that I know Donovan isn’t coming back, I’m super happy. I really liked this weird turn in the story, and Donovan’s resurrection was the only part I was less than stoked about. RIP, Donovan, you creepy-teethed bastard.

15. Stiles and Donovan – Actually, I Think I’ll Keep My Legs, Thanks

stiles screamdonovan dead

Okay, so I loved basically everything about Stiles killing Donovan.

Admittedly, you don’t get much more accidental than managing to unhook scaffolding that just happens to impale your attacker, but surprisingly, Donovan’s death still didn’t feel like a cheat to me, partially because none of the good guys have come anywhere near killing any of the bad guys since Peter in Season 1, partially because it was super gory, and partially because Stiles’s reaction to it (immediately after, but also in the episodes to come) was so in character and so good. Dylan O’Brien acts the hell out of this season, especially in “A Novel Approach.” The scene where he’s silently reacting to Donovan’s Evil Monologue, or the scene where he’s fleeing the library. When he nearly breaks down in his car or when he actually breaks down in his bedroom . . . almost every minute of that is wordless and, yeah, pretty much perfect.

Although I just . . . I just have to say this: what the HELL is the point of having Creepy Neck Teeth?

neck teeth

I mean, I get it, they’re weird, but also . . . how is that practical? Are you going to turn your head, lean into somebody, and awkwardly eat them with your neck? Creepy Hand Teeth are functional; I am totally down with Creepy Hand Teeth. But this, Dread Doctors? This is just silly.

Okay, from here on in we’re just doing ABC notes now, got it? Cause I do actually have other things I need to write. Like, lots of things. ALL the things.

Here we go:

A. Remember that time when Scott was supposedly teaching Stiles stuff? Like what chimeras were or what “regression to the mean” means? Yeah, I didn’t buy those scenes at all. Scott’s come a long way and I don’t actually think he’s dumb — I liked the whole subplot about him in AP Biology with the Mean Science Teacher, until you know, they kind of just dropped it — but even with that (and knowing that the “regression to the mean” stuff is a specific Scott callback), I still didn’t quite buy Scott delivering the exposition to Stiles. Liam, I would have bought. Stiles, not so much.

B. I’m very glad they quickly brought Mason into the fold.

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Because Mason’s awesome, and also because seriously. Stiles pretty much took the words right out of my mouth when he’s like, yeah, kid already saw a Berserker blown up with a land mine; I think he’ll buy it when you tell him werewolves are real. This was nice because it was another one of my complaints last season, how poorly Scott and Stiles handled telling Liam about werewolves. It’s also nice because it shows that Stiles, while smart, learns absolutely NOTHING. He actually tells Liam, “It’s always better when they know,” (a sentiment Lydia, less hypocritically, echoes later in the season) but then refuses to tell anyone about killing Donovan. Oh, Stiles, sweetie. I love your trust issues, but sometimes they do you no favors at all.

C. This season is only ten episodes long instead of it’s usual twelve (although, in a way, it’s actually twenty because 5B will continue the same storyline) and, at first, I really liked that. Obviously, I always want as many Teen Wolf episodes as God and MTV will give me, but I’ve noticed that the first few episodes of the previous TW seasons have usually meandered around some, bringing up subplots that don’t really go anywhere before diving into the real plot. Likewise, as much as I enjoy the attractive Mr. Hale, I feel like Derek’s storylines haven’t really been meshing with the rest of the group’s all that well since 3A. I wasn’t looking to get rid of him entirely, but he felt more like he should be a regular guest star than main player, no matter how pretty he is or how well he can scowl.

With Derek MIA, though, and a shorter, streamlined season, Teen Wolf jumped right into the actual story, and I was really impressed with the pacing . . . up till about maybe 5×08, which is where I think things started getting a little shaky. Everything started feeling rushed to me, like everyone was hastily trying to set up season 5B, and that finale . . . look, I didn’t dislike anything that happened in it, exactly, even if it was a sad day for one of the most important relationships I didn’t mention before, A Boy and His Jeep . . .

a boy and his jeep

. . . but I really felt like the show was trying to cram two episodes worth of material into a forty-five minute window, and it just didn’t work for me. I’m totally fine with the fact that we didn’t get many answers here (though I feel a much stronger conclusion would have ended on Theo resurrecting the chimeras than the weird Hellhound vs Whatever painting, like, that was less of an “oh my GOD” and more of a “. . . what?”) but the editing in “Status Asthmaticus” was so freaking choppy. Like, Theo was popping up everywhere, so quickly from one place to another that I was honestly like, “Uh, does Theo have a clone? Is there a clone twist happening here?”

And it wasn’t just him, either — one minute, Theo’s talking to Malia in her coyote den (which was a nice callback), and then suddenly she’s fighting this chimera dude at . . . the hospital, I guess? I had no idea where she was when we saw her again. The pacing of the whole episode felt seriously off, like we spent so much time on Werewolf Puppy Liam fighting Werewolf Daddy Scott that it didn’t seem like the show had enough time for everyone else. And for all the time they spent on the Big Werewolf Family Battle, that really wasn’t one of my favorite fight scenes. I definitely preferred Lydia vs the Orderlies, Kira versus Tracy, Malia versus Tracy, and Kira versus Noshiko.

D. On the upside, Braeden’s back! Yay! (I really expected Derek to come back too — I was so sure that’s who Stiles was calling in the finale when Theo drove up. Technically, I suppose, that could still be right — but in the most recent interview I’ve read, Jeff Davis wasn’t sure if Hoechlin was coming back in 5B or not. So many fangirls are weeping right now.)

E. Unfortunately, Scott’s asthma was also back this season. Conceptually, I have no problem with that. In execution, oh my GOD, there is so much AsthmaFail! this season. Like, Scott’s having an asthma attack worthy of a 911 call, but one puff of his inhaler and he’s instantly better? NO. That’s not how your lungs work. Not to mention . . . you’d think maybe Scott might be able to, like, smell or taste the wolfsbane in his inhaler? I’m willing to ignore this purely because I called early on that the inhaler was poisoned, but still. There’s not a lot of logical sense going on here. (Though this is nothing new when it comes to wolfsbane poisoning on this show, I suppose.)

Also, did Liam get that non-poisonous inhaler from someone else on the lacrosse field and run it over himself, or did he just happen to be carrying an extra one around for Scott? Cause I thought it was kind of adorable when overprotective Stiles did that in first season, back when the asthma hadn’t been gone that long and the werewolf powers were still pretty new, but Werewolf Puppy carrying one in his back pocket five seasons later seems a little ridiculous.

F. Also kind of ridiculous? Sinema. Don’t get me wrong — I want to go to Sinema, like, now. It looks like an awesome place. But overlooking the fact that this is an incredibly swanky bisexual nightclub in what’s supposed to be a pretty small city (that, mind you, already has a gay nightclub called Jungle), there are wildly underage kids both drinking at and working at this place. Hayden’s supposed to be what, fifteen? Sixteen? And she’s openly serving alcohol to pretty much anyone who walks in? Is the police force in Beacon Hills that incompetent?

Sheriff Stilinski, man, you know I love you, but maybe let your kids handle the dead chimeras and just focus on the insane amount of public underage drinking that goes on in this town?

G. On the upside, Theo gets PUNCHED BY FIRE and Stiles gets splattered with an unlikely amount of Theo’s blood.

theo2blood stiles

Oh, show. Never change.

H. The infamous Fire Punch takes place in 5×07, otherwise known as “Strange Frequencies,” otherwise known as the Episode of Bloody Impalement. If 5×03 is for girl power and 5×05 is for Carlie’s personal wish fulfillment, 5×07 is for pure, unadulterated gore. I mean, it ends up all being hallucinations, but still: Parrish unwillingly makes out with Super Burnt Lydia, Kira stabs Scott through the chest, Malia gets pinned down with bear traps before being stabbed through the throat, and poor Lydia gets her whole tongue ripped out.

I’ll admit: it was kind of awesome.

I. I briefly mentioned this before, but I just have to reiterate that I loved all of Lydia’s, Scott’s, and Stiles’s reading-induced flashbacks. Baby Stiles being attacked by his dead mother pretty much wins the Angst Trophy of the season.

J. Less awesome but still hysterical (and surprisingly in character): Scott continues to ninja roll for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

True Alphas. Such showoffs.

K. Finally, I just wanted to say that the moment where Scott writes Allison’s initials on the shelf during Senior Scribe was actually quite sweet.

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Partially because it was just nice for our heroes to take a moment and remember a character who was so important to them (well, some of them) and us, but also because there’s absolutely zero jealousy on Kira’s part, like we don’t get a shot of her looking angrily away, all, “Oh my God, Scott’s still in love with her!” Because that would have been bullshit and would’ve made me hate her.

If Teen Wolf was Arrow, that moment would totally have happened.

QUOTES:

Stiles: “I have a vision, dude, okay, and it is a beautiful vision. Don’t ruin the vision.”

Scott: “Think back to the last six months. Things have been good, right, but not amazing.”
Stiles: “Yeah, but no one’s tried to kill us in the last six months, either.”

Scott: “It’s not that we don’t trust you.”
Stiles: “It’s that I don’t trust you.”

Melissa (yelling upstairs): “Scott, I’m home, but I have to rush out again! The hospital has called everybody back in, so dinner’s in the fridge! . . There’s nothing in the fridge! So I’m going to leave you money to order in! . . . I don’t have any money! Get something and I’ll pay you back? . . . You’re not even here, are you?”

Liam: “Okay, I’m still having trouble.”
Scott: “No. You’re still learning.”

Stiles: “Malia, if you were going away and I told you, ‘Don’t worry, go have fun,’ what would you think I was talking about?”
Malia: “Fun like bowling or like sex with other guys?”

Kira: “Dad, please don’t turn a three hour traffic jam into an educational experience.”

Malia: “What’s wrong with you? You smell terrible.”
Stiles: “Yeah, it’s called anxiety. Should be a pretty familiar scent for you by now, seeing as how it’s a constant state for me.”

Stiles: “So I started thinking about things like I always do — ”
Malia: “Obsessively — ”
Stiles: “Yeah.”

Malia: “I thought that was the plan, the dream.”
Stiles: “The vision, and don’t mock the vision.”
Malia: “I like the vision. Especially if I’m part of it.”

Tracy (holding up a feather she just coughed out): “Is this common?”

Stiles: “Dad, this kid is a werewolf.”
Sheriff: “Your best friend is a werewolf. You are dating a werecoyote. I still don’t know what Kira is supposed to be. When the flying monkeys come soaring through this station, you will have my undivided attention. Until then, just go to school.”

Malia: “I don’t know, Stiles. I mean, I see why you’re worried. He’s really hot. He’s got, like, great hair, perfect body. You should definitely feel threatened.”
Stiles: “Thank you cause I do. Now more than ever.”
Malia: “You want me to torture him?”
Stiles: “No, I don’t want you to torture him.”
Malia: “I’m pretty sure I can take him.”

Kira: “How did you get his transfer form?”
Scott: “Did you break into the Administration Office?”
Stiles: “No, I did not break into the Administration Office . . . okay, I might have broken into the Administration Office; can we just focus on the signatures, please?”

Liam: “It’s not that easy. It’s a lot to accept.”
Stiles: “He watched my dad blow up a Berserker with a land mine? I think the groundwork’s been pretty thoroughly laid for acceptance.”

Theo: “You want me to give you a DNA sample or something?”
Stiles: “No, I don’t have anything from the fourth grade to match it to.”

Liam: “I fell in a hole!”

Stiles: “Yes, okay, we followed him out here. What do you want me to say, that I’m a stalker, huh, that I’m crazy, totally paranoid? None of this is new information.”
Scott: “Now are you going to at least try and give him the benefit of the doubt?”
Stiles: “I give people the benefit of the doubt. I’ve given a lot of benefit to a lot of people.”
Scott: “Like Derek? Kira? Liam?”
Stiles: “I was right about Peter. (calling to Liam) Try it again! (back to Scott) You know, I bet you still think there’s something about him that can be saved.”
Scott: “Maybe.”
Stiles: (to Liam) “Try it again!”
Scott: “Why can’t you trust anyone?”
Stiles: “Cause you trust everyone!”

Liam: “I’m going to tell you why. Actually, I’m going to tell you a lot of things, a lot of hard-to-believe things, really hard to believe.”
Mason: “There’s a wolf.”
Liam: “Yeah, I’m getting to that.”
Mason: “No, there’s a wolf right behind you.”
Liam: “. . . that’s a wolf.”

Sheriff: “Accusations require proof, and proof always trumps instinct.”

Scott: “I think you look great.”
Sheriff: “Well, thank you, son I should have had.”

Stiles: “Wow, that was awesome. That was awesome; that was great. Can we do one more, give us another one, like Christopher Walken this time? You know what, it’s fine, you’ll have plenty of time to work on it when you’re in a tiny little cell, you know, just stuck there. Forever.”

Kira: “Good, good. There you go.”
Malia: “Please shut up.”
Kira: “No problem. Shutting up.”

Lydia: “We are now off the road. This is not the road.”

Malia: “What is that; what is beeping?”
Lydia: “The car’s telling you not to run into the tree.”

Kira: “Okay, sure. This is called a U-turn.”
Malia: “You said turn the wheel.”

Malia: “I meant a shot to kill her.”
Deaton: “I generally prescribe to a code of ethics that frowns on such measures.”

Kira: “Okay, so, what are we looking for?”
Lydia: “I’m not sure. I mostly just following a feeling.”
Kira: “Your feelings usually lead to dead bodies.”
Lydia: “Well, let me know if you find one.”

Liam: “I’m his flight attendant.”

Melissa: “I know that I can’t be the mom who says I don’t want you to do anything about this — cause you’re always gonna be involved, cause not only do you have the power to do something, you care enough to do it.”

Parrish: “I know a little jiu jitsu.”

Lydia: “You don’t have to come. Malia’s not going, either.”
Stiles: “Well, Malia’s not going because she knows that that place is a nightmare asylum of insanity and death, okay?”

Stiles: “Okay, I’m not letting you go to a place where one of the orderlies almost killed you.”
Lydia: “He almost killed you too!”
Stiles: “And we’re both still alive! See, teamwork.”

Scott: “When the other chimera, Lucas, when he came after us . . . I heard Kira say something in Japanese.”
Stiles: “Doesn’t sound too bad.”
Scott: “She doesn’t know any Japanese.”
Stiles: “Still not terrible.”

Stiles: “Maybe she had no choice. There’s got to be a point where self-defense is justified. Tracy killed her own father. And Lucas would have killed you.”
Scott: “They’re not the bad guys. They’re the victims. We shouldn’t be killing the people we’re trying to save.”

Theo: “Haven’t I seen you coming out of Driver’s Ed?”
Malia: “I hope not.”
Theo: “I’m pretty sure I saw you destroy a couple of traffic cones the other day. And nearly take out a sophomore.”
Malia: “The sophomore shouldn’t have been standing there.”

Scott: “They’ll be okay without us. Those two, they’re pretty good together.”
Kira: “Yeah. They are.”
Scott: “No super-strength or samurai swords, but they stay alive.”
Kira: “He still likes her, doesn’t he?”
Scott: “Yeah. Yeah, but it’s different now. I mean, you should have seen the way he used to be around her.”
Kira: “Was it bad?”
Scott: “It was kind of obsessive. But not all bad.”

Lydia: “My mom’s book club usually has more wine.”
Stiles: “Well, they probably also don’t read books that causes violent hallucinations.”

Scott: “That’s why Malia’s here.”
Kira: “So none of us go running into traffic.”
Scott: “Or worse.”
Malia: “Like what happened to Judy.” (everyone looks at her) “Chapter 14.”

Mason: “Okay, this is going to sound weird, but do you speak Japanese?”
Kira: “No. I’m also half-Korean, and I don’t speak Korean. And I’m pushing a ‘C’ average in English.”
Mason: “Okay, well, I’ve been doing some reading on kitsunes — ”
Kira: “How come?”
Mason: “Well, cause I met one?”

Theo: “It’s your choice. I’m not going to ask you to lie to your dad.”
Stiles: “Don’t worry, I’ve had plenty of practice.”

Liam: “She said she heard a voice saying ‘Your condition improves’.”
Stiles: “Okay, that’s unsettling.”

Kira: “Mom, this is not what I would call quality mother-daughter time.”

Theo: “Did you forget you’re supposed to be keeping me in the loop on everything?”
Dread Doctor: “Inconsequential.”

Theo: “So, what happens now?”
Stiles: “We wait.”
Theo: “You wanna take shifts watching?”
Stiles: “Oh no, I want to spend some quality time with you.”

Melissa: “You’re not asking me to hand over medical files without a court order, are you?”
Sheriff: “I would never ask you to do that.”
Melissa: “Good. Because they may take away this key card which allows me access to medical records. Do you wanna see how the key card works?”
Sheriff: “I would love to see how the key card works.”

Malia: “We’re betting our lives on these?”
Lydia: “I think we’re betting Hayden’s life on them.”

Theo: “You’re still wondering why I haven’t said anything to Scott?”
Stiles: “Maybe.”
Theo: “You think I’ve got some kind of ulterior motive?”
Stiles: “More than likely.”
Theo: “Would you believe me if I said all want, all I’ve ever wanted, is for you guys to trust me?”
Stiles: “Nope.”
Theo: “So you’re here because you’re never going to trust me?”
Stiles: “Yep. Glad we had this talk.”
Theo: “You know who you remind me of?”
Stiles: “Theo, I don’t care.”

Stiles: “Myth says if you ate human flesh, your punishment was to turn into a creature that constantly craved it.”
Theo: “That’s a pretty judgmental myth.”
Stiles: “Well, I didn’t make it up.”
Theo: “What if it was the only way to survive? I mean, did you ever of the Donner Party? I’m pretty sure they didn’t turn into wendigos.”
Stiles: “Well, they didn’t live in Beacon Hills.”

Theo: “It sounds like you guys need to look up justifiable homicide.”
Stiles: “Did you seriously just say that to the son of a cop?”

Theo: “Did you feel bad about it? Not now, I mean, right then, right when it happened. What were you thinking the moment you knew he was dead and there was no saving him?”
Stiles: “One word: good.”

Sheriff: “This is your story? This is what you’re going to go with?”
Noshiko: “Are you prepared to tell a different one?”

Sheriff: “This your official statement?”
Melissa: “Something wrong?”
Sheriff: “Part about finding the body in your kitchen works fine, but then it gets a little confusing when you describe the body as a monstrous chimera and then go on about werewolves, banshees, kanamas.”
Melissa: “You’re right. I forgot about the Dread Doctors.”

Sheriff: “No more bending the rules for anyone.”
Melissa: “Maybe you should learn to bend a little before someone breaks.”

Lydia: “It’s always better when they know.”
Stiles: “Well, then he should know he owes me a Jeep.”

Unit 7: “10-4, Dispatch. I’m southbound on Fryman and following suspicious individual loping in the middle of the road.”
Dispatch: “7, clarify loping?”
Officer: “Uh, running on all fours. Suspect is possibly a large animal.”
Unit 5: “Unit 5 to Dispatch, I’m turning the corner on Lincoln. Suspect is no longer loping but running.”
Dispatch: “10-4, Unit 5, clarify running?”

Stiles: “Cause you’re Scott McCall, the True Alpha! Guess what? All of us can’t be True Alphas! Some of us have to make mistakes! Some of us have to get our hands a little bloody sometimes! Some of us are human!”

Lydia: “You find bodies.”
Parish: “I find chimeras.”
Lydia: “Dead chimeras.”
Parish: “So we’re both harbingers of death? I should probably add that to my resume.”
Lydia: “It’s on my college applications.”

Malia: “It doesn’t matter to me. That’s why I never said anything.”
Stiles: “It matters to me.”

Theo: “I came for a pack. I came for the werecoyote, the one whose first instinct is to kill. I came for the banshee, the girl surrounded by death. I came for the dark kitsune, the beta with anger issues. I came for Void Stiles; that’s the pack I want. Unfortunately, it doesn’t include Scott. Your heartbeat’s rising, Stiles. It’s not because you’re afraid. The Nogitsune is gone, but you’ve still got more blood on your hands than any of us.”
Stiles: “I’m about to get more.”

Mason: “What are you doing?”
Melissa: “Bringing him back.”
Mason: “But his heart, he hasn’t had a pulse in over fifteen minutes. You can’t bring someone back that’s — ”
Melissa: “He’s not someone; he’s my son, and he’s an Alpha, and he’s too strong to die like this! Come on! Open your eyes. Look at me. Breathe, baby, breathe.”
Mason: “Melissa, it’s — ”
Melissa: “SHUT UP!”

Scott: “I lost, Mom.”
Melissa: “Every leader suffers loss. Sometimes more than you think is bearable.”

CONCLUSIONS:

5A seems to be pretty divided among fans (that’s pretty true of Teen Wolf fandom in general, though; there are those who adore the later seasons and those who pine back for Seasons Uno and Dos) but for the most part, I really enjoyed it. I’d say it was my favorite season after 3B. The seriously rushed conclusion was a bit of a snag for me, though, as was Liam and Hayden’s relationship drama. I get why Teen Wolf might want to build up the younger generation as the others inevitably age out — what I’m told is the Degrassi model of storytelling — but if Liam and Hayden are representative of the future of the show, man, I don’t know. I like Mason, at least, but I don’t know if he’s going to be enough for me to stick with it.

That’s all post Season Six worries, though. For now . . . man, can it be January yet?

MVP:

Dylan O’Brien

TENTATIVE GRADE:

A-

MORAL:

It’s better when they know, STILES.

Also, if you wanna commit a crime, for the love of God, go to Beacon Hills. You can confess to something, pretty much hand them a body, and they will still let you go if you can just get a buddy to steal that corpse for you.

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4 Responses to “This Is Sounding Less Like a Magic Trick And More Like Assault.”

  1. Teacups says:

    “It doesn’t help any that there doesn’t appear to be a goalie in front of Hayden’s net, so her scores seem considerably less impressive than whenever Liam makes a goal.”
    When I was keeper in high school, my soccer coach once told me that – goalie and all – about 75% of penalty kicks are going to go in. Not to mention, the net is a hell of a lot bigger than the one for lacrosse. So no, Hayden’s goals are not impressive at all.

    Goddamnit, Natalie Martin, I understand why you’re likely going to have your catatonic daughter committed, but you couldn’t have gone for a mental institution that DOESN’T advertise for staff with, “Be an creepy abusive asshole,” as the only job requirement? I mean, seriously, why would you send your kid to the place where your mother (mother-in-law?) was murdered by the staff? That didn’t give you a tip-off about the quality of the establishment?

    I thought that Donovan just had the power to make teeth appear and disappear anywhere on his body – on his hands, on his neck, whatever.

    “I really liked this weird turn in the story, and Donovan’s resurrection was the only part I was less than stoked about. RIP, Donovan, you creepy-teethed bastard.
    To be honest, I totally thought he HAD resurrected Donovan. I mistook Josh for him. Everyone was covered in grime, and we didn’t get a super good look at him.

    I’m kind of curious as to whether the zombie juice affected the chimeras’ personalities. Like, did it make them evil or something? Firstly because it’s odd to me that three of them knew Lydia, at least two of them would probably think well of her, and nobody tried to help her or even gave her a second glance.

    That could’ve been a Rule Of Cool thing, but secondly, Theo’s new pack is probably going to find out at some point that he’s evil, right? I mean, he’s not going to be all “Okay, Chimera Pack, we should all bake cookies together and volunteer at the hospital.” If nothing else, you’d think Hayden would go running to Liam, and hear about Theo murdering Scott.

    So why would Tracy and Hayden, both of whom are meant to be decent people and have positive relationships with people within Scott’s pack, stick with the random evil dude instead of switching to Team Wolf? Why would Josh want to be a beta to the guy who killed him? I could see Corey sticking around long term – he mostly seems like an alright kid, but he doesn’t like Scott and he doesn’t have anyone else – but he’d be the only one.

    If they still have the same personalities and moral codes, maybe they have to take the zombie juice regularly, or they’ll die again. Theo could use that to blackmail them into sticking around and helping him with his evil plans – which I’m guessing will involve killing or hurting Scott’s pack in some way.

    I liked Tracy a lot too, and it’d be great if she managed to survive the season and join Team Wolf, though I think Hayden’s the more likely candidate for that one.

    • Heh, I kind of forgot about that, about Lydia’s grandmother actually being murdered at Eichen House. I guess, in Natalie’s defense, there might not be any other mental health facility anywhere near them. That’s, sadly, not at all unrealistic in America. Still. Yeah. Probably better not to buck up for the extra gas money and go somewhere two counties over than go to freaking Eichen House.

      Oh, that would make sense, if the teeth appearing in Donovan’s neck was Donovan’s idea. I mean, it’s still immensely dumb and impractical (seriously, WHY — no one eats like that, and you can’t menace an empty hallway with your creepy neck-teeth), but Donovan doesn’t really strike me as a thinker.

      I only realized Donovan was really most sincerely dead when I re-watched the scene and was like, “Oh, maybe Theo’s only resurrecting a few of them . . . wait . . . is that Donovan? I don’t think that’s Donovan. Which one’s that — I’ve totally lost track of the chimeras,” and went to Google for the answer.

      I’ll give the chimeras the benefit of the doubt on not helping Lydia because of maybe a whole “Holy shit, I was dead, I’m totally in shock right now” tunnel vision. After that . . . we’ll see. I don’t know about Tracy and Hayden, but I kind of suspect that at least one of them will harbor a resentment for not being saved. Like Lydia and Malia both promised to help Tracy but ultimately couldn’t, and Scott failed not only to save Hayden but couldn’t even get her sister there in time so Hayden didn’t alone. Now, logically, Lydia, Malia, and Scott aren’t really to blame for any of these things, but (if handled well) I could see how either Tracy or Hayden could potentially think, “Look, you guys are nice and all, but you couldn’t help me, and this dude brought me back FROM THE DEAD, and I want to keep on living.” I also agree that it’s more than likely that Theo’s going to end up blackmailing them.

      I do think Hayden has potential, but right now it’s hard to get excited about her. I’m so much more interested in Tracy. I will unrealistically hope they both survive, because yeah, I don’t think Tracy has a chance over Hayden. Corey could hang around so Mason has a love interest. I’m assuming Josh is the most expendable.

      • Teacups says:

        Hell, it would be better to send Lydia to an institution in a whole ‘nother country than to put her in fucking Eichen House. Jesus. I do hope the rest of the pack at least checks up on her, or something.

        Re: the chimeras, that makes sense, about Lydia and them potentially thinking Team Wolf are ineffective. (I like that nickname, damnit, and I’m sticking to it.) And except for Josh, they’d probably think Theo is a good guy. I still don’t see why they’d want to stay on board once Theo wants them to help him with his evil plans, which I think he inevitably will – but he could blackmail them into it, yeah. Or just manipulate them. Like maybe Scott and friends will go after Theo, because he’s evil, and he’ll be all “See, they’re attacking us – they’re probably zombie-chimera racists! We need to defend ourselves by killing them before they strike again!”

        I agree. I could definitely see one or two of the chimeras sticking around (possibly even three, though I think that’s unlikely) but at this juncture, I think there’s no way in hell any of those survivors will be Josh.

        • Yeah, Eichen House is basically the worst place ever. I’m wondering if the others will know she’s there right away? I was thinking maybe she might get committed without the pack’s knowledge, like that might be a minor mystery for them. Then again, if she’s still catatonic at the Nemeton, I’m assuming Parrish will find her and bring her to the regular hospital. You’d think they could find out what happened to her after that.

          I won’t argue Team Wolf, though I’m amused by it because there are only a couple of actual wolves on the team. But I have no room to judge, since I continue to enjoy using the awkwardly long “Scott McCall’s Pack of Miscellaneous Angst Machines”, or something similar.

          Yeah, maybe once we get to see more to Josh than his trying to eat (a) power lines and (b) Stiles, we’ll be like, “How could we ever have thought he was expendable? JOSH IS THE BEST.” But this does seem unlikely. Josh already seems like he should be wearing a shirt that says “Dead Meat.” Or maybe “Dead Meat. Again.”

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