I really don’t know why I watch these things. I’m rarely a fan of anything that’s nominated, and most of the speeches either bore me or make me cry. Nothing that I would normally sign up for, and yet? I will probably be a sucker for awards shows for the rest of my life.
Here are the notes I have for you today.
1. Andy Samberg? Eh. He made me laugh a few times, mostly during that first song, but a lot of his jokes felt kind of flat to me. I wasn’t a huge fan, but he wasn’t, like, the worst host I’ve ever seen. Frankly, I’m still of the opinion that we could save ourselves a whole lot of time and awkwardness by just eliminating the opening monologue from every award show all together and having the host just crack a few jokes between awards.
This, of course, will never happen, but I will continue to dream for it.
2. My favorite joke of the night probably came from John Oliver and, admittedly, I’m a little in love with John Oliver. But his mini-rant about Alex Trebek cracked me up because it’s so true — Trebek does passive aggressively insult all of the contestants’ hobbies. I love Jeopardy, but it’s a pretty rare episode where I watch it and don’t tell my television screen, “Trebek, you’re an asshole.”
3. My favorite category in the Emmys is Variety, simply because I’m actually familiar with most of the nominees. When Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series was presented, I was like, “Holy shit, I actually watch ALL of these! I don’t even care who wins. Everyone’s a winner! I’m a winner!” (Though I was pulling for Last Week Tonight over The Daily Show when it came to Outstanding Variety Talk Series — but I wasn’t going to begrudge Jon Stewart for his last Emmy win, either. Oh, Stewart. How I miss you.)
On the other hand, Limited Series/Miniseries? Man. No skin in that game at all. I didn’t watch a single thing nominated in this category, and my only takeaway from last night was that Olive Kitteridge? Apparently the only thing you’ll ever need to watch again.
4. As far as some specific winners go . . .
A. Ecstatic that Inside Amy Schumer won for Best Variety Sketch Show.
B. I don’t watch Mad Men, I don’t care about Mad Men, and even I was like, “Jesus, let Jon Hamm finally win one.” So, that was nice. I feel like there might have been a revolt, otherwise.
C. As an SF nerd, I was definitely pulling for Tatiana Maslany because I enjoy Orphan Black and Maslany’s performance is just incredible — but man, Viola Davis’s speech was eloquent, powerful, and deeply moving. I didn’t realize she was the first black woman to win a Best Lead Actress Emmy until I went on Twitter afterwards. At first I was like, “No, that can’t be right. Oh God, that can’t be right, can it?” And then I was reminded that until Scandal premiered in 2012, there hadn’t been any TV shows with a black female lead since the 1970’s. And then I was like, “Right, so that’s depressing. Fellow white people, let’s progress faster.”
Though that doesn’t seem super likely, as I’ve just read Nancy Lee Grahn’s tweets on the subject. Ugh.
5. Finally, I lied before. I know exactly why I keep coming back to these things, and you probably do too.
My Best Dressed of the Night?
Allison Janney – I haven’t seen much splash about her dress online, but I thought Allison Janney looked exquisite. It’s a beautiful design and fits her body perfectly, and guys, Allison Janney is 55. I didn’t have a body that impressive, you know, ever.
Runners Up:
Taraji P. Henson – Man, she worked this dress. Taraji almost took first place for me, actually. I really liked the chain straps (much more than the ones on Claire Danes’s dress) and the cute little cut-out. She looked fantastic.
Tatiana Maslany – This is something I kind of knew about myself before, but really confirmed this year: I like me a woman in menswear. This white suit is awesome. I feel like the jacket could be a touch tighter, but otherwise, I mean, damn.
Laverne Cox – The cut-outs on the side didn’t do much for me, but this is a stunning shade of blue, and she looks absolutely amazing in it.
Jane Lynch – Again with the menswear. I thought this looked really nice on Jane Lynch. I would totally wear something like this. Only I’d add a fedora because that’s just who I am as a person.
Mindy Kaling – That’s not a shade of yellow/orange that just anyone can pull off, but it looks absolutely beautiful on Mindy Kaling. I kind of wish the sleeves didn’t change color at the end, but I do really like the cut of the sleeves, and the dress fits her perfectly.
Teyonah Parris – I’m unfamiliar with this actress, but I’m a sucker for polka dots and her dress was so much fun. I absolutely adored it.
And finally a bonus shout-out to Fred Armisen who did FREDDY KRUEGER on the Red Carpet. Fred Armisen is my new favorite person.
Now Worst Dressed of the Night . . . well, there’s really no question in my mind who that goes to.
Heidi Klum – I don’t even know what to make of this. It’s like half ice skater, half shredded chicken mascot? I cannot imagine any sane person putting this dress on and going, “Yup. This is the one. I feel SO PRETTY.”
Runners Up:
Jaimie Alexander – Maybe I could have dealt with this if it had been a short dress, like cut above the knee or something? As is . . . nope. I don’t like the material, the colors, or pretty much anything else about it.
Joanna Newsom – I don’t like the weird giant oval thing on her chest, but I could probably deal with it . . . if I hadn’t seen the bottom of the dress too. Together? Nope. So much nope.
Maggie Gyllenhaal – Presumably, this is a very expensive dress by some super well known designer, but what it really reminds me of is a prom dress you might have bought in the mall in the mid-1990’s. Not good.
Kerry Washington – I know, I know. She’s going to make everyone’s Best Dressed list, and she’s easily the best of the worst dressed here. But I’m just really not a fan of that type of shoulder, and I actively can’t stand the bottom of the dress.
Tracee Ellis Ross – Yeah, that dress mostly reminds me of a tiered, pink wedding cake.
And finally Jane Krakowski – I don’t quite understand why people want to put a black sleep mask over their boobs, but it’s the gray sides that I especially don’t like. The skirt of the dress is fine, but I just don’t understand the top part at all.
Well, that’s it for this year. Feel free to comment with your own award winner dreams or fashion critiques.
My Geek Blasphemy 
Re: Tracee Ellis Ross, THIS would have been better: http://www.queenc.com/kayleefluffy/kayleefluffy_reference.jpg
If anyone were to ever wear Kaylee’s dress on the red carpet, they would be my hero for life.
Oh, wow, using red carpet events as an opportunity for fancy dress cosplay is a wonderful idea.
Okay, change of plan; if I somehow end up having to go to one of those things, THAT’s what I’m going to do. Though it would really work best for a well-known actress, specifically – the kind of person who’s going to end up in all the magazines and be asked “Who are you wearing?” all night.
Godamn it. I was literally seconds from pushing ‘reply’ before the computer froze. Okay, let’s try this again.
This is such an awesome idea. I’ve been racking my brain for days trying to come up with the costume I’d want to wear. (For the purposes of this discussion, I’m just pretending I’m a well-known actress.) I haven’t settled on anyone yet, but I’m going to keep trying because it delights me.
I’m not a huge fan of Star Wars Episodes I-III (still haven’t watched III, actually), but Amidala has some pretty amazing fashion. Sarah’s dress from The Labyrinth would be kind of hysterical with its giant shoulders, but I’d honestly probably rather dress up as David Bowie. And not that this is SF or anything, but half the clothes that Satine wears in Moulin Rouge are pretty amazing. Bloody handkerchief for extra authenticity!
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it too, and it’s kind of tricky to come up with memorable fancy-dress outfits from things I like. Kaylee’s dress (which would be a definite contender) is kind of unusual, because instead of going for the She’s All That beautiful-all-along moment, they used a fashion disaster of a dress to deepen the character.
I could do Carrie, I guess – pig’s blood included. Maybe Robyn from The Loved Ones? The dress on it’s own wouldn’t be recognisable, but I could include the matching pink eye shadow and the paper crown. Maybe a drill or a syringe or something.
For a less horror-y option, Chuck from Pushing Daisies had some lovely dresses.
I still haven’t watched The Loved Ones, but I’ve seen the cover enough to have the cosplay in my head. I definitely think you’d want the paper crown, and a drill would probably be helpful. That could be very fun.
I like Jaime Alexander’s dress because it looks like something a character in an 80s futuristic sci-fi show would wear to to a fancy event.
And I like Tracee Ellis Ross’s dress, because the joined parts and the stiffness of the top half remind me of robots from shows like The Jetsons, where they’d been built so it kind of appear to be wearing clothes, but actually the clothes were just part of the robot with like, a dress-shape and a coat of paint.
This made me realise that I probably have strange ideas about fashion. Although mostly I can’t really be bothered that much? If I were going to one of these things, I would kinda want to pick out a pretty dress from my wardrobe and be done with it. It seems like all these women put in a lot of effort and money to look fabulous, and then half of them end up on “Worst Dressed,” lists anyway.
I kind of love fashion, but no one in their right mind would ever ask my opinion on fashion-y things: I know nothing about designers or what’s actually in style or any of that. I just know what I like and what I really don’t like. Fashion on the red carpet’s problematic, I know, because there’s no way men have to face anything like the scrutiny women have to, which is bullshit. For the next awards show, I should just list every guy who wears the exact same suit as Collectively Worst because they’re all boring, and women sure don’t get away with that. But I have a girlish excitement for red carpet fashion and, probably not to my credit, something of a catty streak when it comes to people who can afford to buy, like, castles wearing the ugliest clothes imaginable because someone said they were High Fashion. I’ll be honest: I’d probably like Jaimie Alexander’s dress a lot more if she chose it because it looked like what a character in an 80’s SF show would wear to a fancy event. I’d get that.
Sometimes, I like to daydream about getting nominated for some big award and being considered important enough to get a Super Fancy Dress. But it’s a silly daydream, less because it won’t happen (although it won’t) and more because I’d be utterly miserable on a red carpet. I know who I am. I just want all the shiny things.