Your Much Belated and Totally Apathetic Golden Globes Commentary

I’m gonna be real with you guys: I almost didn’t watch the Golden Globes this year. Not out of protest or anything. I just found that I really didn’t give a damn. But there wasn’t much on Sunday night anyway (because everything I love is apparently on Tuesdays, damn it), so we ended up checking it out after all, fast-forwarding liberally through commercials, acceptance speeches, and any and all gags that involved people wearing bear heads. Because seriously.

Here is the rest of your arbitrary commentary:

1. Ricky Gervais? Meh. I don’t mind him in stuff, but his hosting gigs usually leave me a little cold. Some jokes made me laugh, like the bit about how no one cares about that award as much as the winner, or the joke about how the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press (rather than an In Memoriam section) is here to depress the audience. But then of course there were the depressingly predictable trans jokes, so, yeah. I’m still pushing for Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele next year.

2. On the plus side, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera were the best presenters of the night, so maybe they can host next year. (Second place in Favorite Presenter would probably go to Jim Carrey and his giant grizzly man beard. Ooh, or actually maybe Jaime Alexander for “Who’s typing this shit?”)

3. Meanwhile, Taraji P. Henson wins for Best Acceptance speech. And for working the Red Carpet the hardest. My God. Nobody brings the sass like Taraji.

4. Holy shit, it was surreal enough just seeing Christian Slater at an awards ceremony, and then he won. Like, I had huge crush on him in high school after discovering Heathers for the first time, but his career has seemed to be spiraling downward for, what? Fifteen, twenty years? I wish I could say I watched Mr. Robot, but I don’t, even though I’ve yet to see a bad review of it AND it’s been personally recommended to me twice. People are like, “It’s so amazing! It’s got an unreliable narrator! It’s hard to know what’s even real!” And I’m like, “Yeah, so, that’s almost the opposite of everything I’m looking for in a story.”

5. Matt Damon won. On one hand, The Martian is kind of a weird choice for Best Comedy. (Although, to be fair, it is pretty funny . . . you know, when it isn’t making you weep.) On the other hand, I actually watched and liked The Martian, so, you know. ACTUAL INVESTMENT.

6. I wasn’t at all paying attention to Mel Gibson and Ricky Gervais doing . . . whatever it was they were doing . . . but the reaction shot of Alan Cumming’s face tickled the hell out of me.

7. The Golden Globes is a lesson in why you wear glasses up to the stage. Denzel Washington couldn’t read his speech, and Maura Tierney looked adorable. (I wish she hadn’t felt the need to call herself a four-eyes, though. Does anyone even still say that, like, even in elementary school? I’d be really for people who need glasses actually wearing them to big glamorous events like this.)

8. Melissa Benoist and Grant Gustin looked super cute as presenters. They also looked like they were going to their high school prom. Oh my GOD, I want that now. Superhero crossover undercover prom episode!

9. Evidence of how much I really didn’t give a damn about the Globes this year: my DVR cut off the last award, and I didn’t even notice until going through someone else’s recap online the next day. Whoops.

And finally, for the only part I did care about: fashion.


Laverne Cox
Stunning. That’s about all I got for you. She looks beautiful.

Brie Larson
Sometimes, I like the whole match your soon-to-be-award thing. This is one of those times. It glittered so nicely under the sun. (Also, I admit, I just have a big soft spot for Brie Larson.)

Jaime Alexander
This was a little different, but I enjoyed it. That particularly shade of green kind of reminds me of aliens and sci-fi (which, obviously awesome), but it’s also still all elegant and refined-like.

Gina Rodriguez
It’s a lovely shade of blue, and damn it, she just looks adorable.

There’s something about this. I feel like I wouldn’t normally like it, but the deep red is gorgeous and it looks like it’d be a lot of fun to twirl around in.

Jennifer Lopez
A lot of the leg poses did nothing for me (they will always and forever remind me of Angelina Jolie), but I loved the cape, and mustard yellow is a hard color to pull off.

David Oyelowo
I like that David Oyelowo always wears something unusual to these things unlike virtually every other man. The pattern is totally fun, and the suit looks really good on him.

Jamie Foxx
It’s not as original as David Oyelowo’s, clearly, but I am a bit of a sucker for black on black. Besides, it’s still different from The Suit That Every Man Wears.

And also a special shout out to Rooney Mara, whose dress I’m sure everyone hated but kind of worked for me on a costume level. Like, okay, I would never have worn it myself. (Not that I could have. That dress is meant for a very specific body type. Ladies with large breasts need not apply.) But it kind of reminded of a ratty doll from a 1920’s haunted house or something? I don’t know, I just kind of enjoyed it. (Plus, her braid reminded me of something out of Star Wars, which is exactly the type of thing I’d like to do if I ever made it on a Red Carpet for some bizarre reason.)

(I feel like I should also award The Rock for, like David Oyelowo and Jamie Foxx, wearing something other than The Same Suit Every Man Wears . . . but there’s just something about velvet suits that kind of make my skin itch just by looking at them. So, no.)


Jane Fonda
The ruffles on this thing, my God. WHY?

Cate Blanchett
It’s . . . like a weird 20’s bathrobe with fringe or something?

Bryce Dallas Howard
I just don’t like much about it at all, not the material, not the neckline, the sleeves. It kind of seems like something a much older woman would wear, although I know that’s kind of an annoying criticism cause, like, wear whatever “age” you want, right? I’m 30 and I’ll have mini pigtails if I feel like it! Still, it’s not my favorite.

Regina King
I don’t like the material of the dress at all, and it feels so mismatched with the white superhero cape. (And I like superhero capes! But . . . not with this?)

Natalie Dormer
It’s not Jane Fonda’s ruffles or anything, but I just don’t get this dress at all. And her hair is weirdly messy, too, which normally wouldn’t bother me so much (after all, sometimes you’d think I don’t brush my hair for how frizzy it gets), but this is Natalie Dormer, and her hair is usually so fantastic.

And, finally, every man who wasn’t dressed in anything interesting at all, so, like 98% of you. (I was going to search names and make a big long list, but I have other stuff I want to get done now, so maybe for the Oscars.) You shouldn’t get to wear the same suit every year, or, for that matter, the same suit as anyone else on the Red Carpet. If two women can’t appear in the same dress, then two men shouldn’t be able to appear in the same suit, either. I demand exciting mens fashions, and outraged horror when guys repeat their same looks again and again.

3 thoughts on “Your Much Belated and Totally Apathetic Golden Globes Commentary

  1. I am weirdly happy that Jaime Alexander is continuing to wear weird sci-fi dresses.

    I agree on the old school haunted house theme, but to me, Rooney Mara’s dress looks like something the medium holding a seance would be wearing.

    Jane Fonda’s dress kind of reminds me of one of those old lady toilet dolls, which is weird because if I remember correctly, it’s usually the bottom half of those that’s all big and ruffly.

    • SF dresses totally need to be the new trend. I am so ridiculously on board with that. I won’t like them all, but they’d be fascinating to see.

      There absolutely needs to be a haunted house movie where everyone wears super elaborate costumes for no particularly reason at all, and the medium should definitely be wearing this dress.

      . . . I have never even heard of a toilet doll before. I had to Google it and then stare at the images for a while to even make sense of what the hell they were. I’m just . . . utterly bemused.

    • HA! You’re welcome. I used to see them a lot more as a kid, in the bathrooms of elderly relatives or my grandparents’ friends. I remember I always thought they were ugly, and that it was weird to keep a doll next to the toilet – especially before I realised that they were covers for spare toilet paper. Not that I understand why people felt the spare toilet paper was something that needed a cover.

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