The 2016 Super Bowl Recap (Mostly, It’s Just Commercials)

Well, that was . . . not my best Super Bowl Sunday, sadly. The team I was rooting for lost, the commercials were lousy, I got a form rejection for a story anthology I was hoping for, and I had to go to work afterwards?

Oh well. I will, as always, take refuge in snacks and snark.

1. I wasn’t devastated by Carolina’s loss or anything. I was mostly just rooting against Denver because that’s how my mama raised me. (Also, because I like it when different teams make it to the Super Bowl, like, there’s a limit to how many times you want to watch the Patriots and the Broncos and the Seahawks, you know? If I have no personal stake, I vote for the newcomer.) Alas, the Panthers fell in a game primarily made up of strong defenses, ineffective offenses, stupid penalties, and all the fumbles, I mean, Jesus H. Christ. Is there an NFL record for how many times a ball is fumbled during the Super Bowl? Did this win?

At any rate, congratulations, Broncos. You have officially redeemed yourself from the Epic Fail that was the 2014 Super Bowl.

2. I can’t pretend I was excited about the Half-Time Show when I heard the lineup. Beyonce is fine, but I rarely listen to her. I adore “Uptown Funk,” but otherwise find much of Bruno Mars’ music whiny and annoying. And I don’t think I’ve liked a song by Coldplay in over ten years. (Although some are more irritating than others. Like I’ll hear one that’s like, “Whatever, I guess that’s tolerable,” and then there’s fucking “Paradise.”)

So, Coldplay comes on with their sappy music and gigantic flowers, and I tune out to continue working on non-Super Bowl related things because, seriously, where is Katy Perry riding in on a giant tiger/lion when you need her? But then Beyonce and her girls and Bruno Mars and his boys get into this big dance off, and I’m like, “Okay, this, this I approve of. Couldn’t the whole show have just been this?”

Apparently not because then Chris Martin joined in, and it was a sad, awkward thing indeed. And then were back to the piano and the awful music and the Inspirational Shit, and I’m like, “Okay, back to work. Call me when the game starts again, or there’s a commercial break.”

3. As previously mentioned, the commercials were . . . not that great, all in all. If you’re wildly amused by people talking to inanimate objects or animals that talk and/or sing back, though, this was probably the year for you.

I’ve decided not to do a Best and Worst list this year, but I have compiled roughly ten or so commercials in order to provide commentary, as is my wont.

For instance, the Most WTF Commercial obviously goes to . . .

Seriously, what the shit IS this? Of course, Mountain Dew successfully created a commercial that we all tweeted about, but that doesn’t mean I’m any more likely to buy their product now. I’d say I’m significantly less likely, actually, now that puppymonkeybabies are apparently a potential consequence of this beverage.

This was hardly the only creepy commercial of the night, though:

Um, football is family? Or do you mean football is raunchy victory sex? Because I think that’s what you mean.

Look, I was already weirded out by the first two mini-commercials before we got to the one above, where the Super Bowl Kids are now literally singing about their parents getting it on. Plus, Seal. And “Kiss From the Rose.” And now we’re going to try to pass this off as wholesome and inspiring? Oh. My. God.

Moving on to something happier:

This is also a bit WTF, but it’s WTF involving Christopher Walken and sock puppets, so I’m allowing it. “It’s the new KIA Optima. It’s like the world’s most exciting pair of socks, but it’s a mid-sized sedan.” That made me laugh, and very few commercials did that this year, so this is probably my favorite.

As an aside: I’d kind of like to know what happened to the wife, after she watched her husband walk into the closet and never return. I’ll just assume she’s better off.

(The commercial plays twice in the above video. I have zero idea why, and not much inclination to find a different link at the moment.)

There’s always one commercial from a company you’ve never heard of before (and may never hear from again) that makes you smile. This year’s commercial was from some loan place or something called SoFi, where people are rated on their greatness, and the cute baby? A quick and decisive no. Ha. Also: “His mom thinks she’s great. But she’s wrong.”

I like it.

Unfortunately, then there’s this:

Because, for some reason, it’s socially acceptable for fathers to transform into crazy ass stalkers whenever their teenager daughters might be in danger of having any fun at all, much less having sex. This year’s message sponsored by Hyundai and Kevin Hart.

A poor showing for Skittles, who doesn’t even come close to Most WTF Commercial this year. HAS THE KING FALLEN FOR GOOD?

Medically accurate, I’m sure.

This commercial is mostly inspirational and thus boring, but I’ll admit it startled me into laughing when there was suddenly a portrait of an evil robot.

Finally, Helen Mirren tells drunk drivers that they’re idiots. I’m okay with that.

Goodbye, Super Bowl 2016. You were, uh, there I guess?

3 thoughts on “The 2016 Super Bowl Recap (Mostly, It’s Just Commercials)

  1. Why did I watch the puppymonkeybaby ad? Now I can’t get that grotesque thing out of my mind. Was it meant to be so creepy? Something about the legs and the too-long tail and the general puppet-ness of it is terrifying.

    I suppose it would work as a commercial where the message was “sometimes things are better left separated,” although I don’t know what kind of product would require such a message.

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