So, the truth of it is this: I didn’t watch the Emmys, or at least, not in full. I had planned to, but, well, life. You know how it goes. So I missed out on seeing Tatiana Maslany win a much deserved Emmy, something I obviously deeply regret. (Because seriously. It’s about GODDAMN TIME she won.)

Thus I’m afraid to say that I have no real award show recap for you this year. I did catch the Matt Damon/Jimmy Kimmel bit, which made me laugh, and I was overjoyed to see Last Week Tonight With John Oliver win because that show is so ridiculously good. Oh, and Key & Peele won? YES. I miss you forever, Key & Peele! I’m also happy to see Rami Malek win for Best Actor, not because I watch Mr. Robot (sorry, guys, I still can’t make myself do it), but because apparently he’s the first non-white actor to win the category in 18 years, which is the kind of depressing stat  that I should stop being shocked by, and yet . . . nope, it’s like I don’t learn.

Which leaves us with the bit of the award show that I absolutely did watch: The Red Carpet.

SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT:

Kerry Washington
You never know how maternity dresses are going to go, but I thought Kerry Washington looked stunning. Her hair is gorgeous, and I love the slender cut-outs. This is the maternity dress all other maternity dresses should aspire to be.

SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S OTHER FAVORITES:

Viola Davis
The hot pink is a bold choice and looks great on her skin. On me, Christ no–I would hate this dress on me. But she makes it work, and I love the lip color, too. Plus, her husband wore a matching pink bow tie, so now I am officially in love with them as a couple forever.

Kristen Bell
Love it. It’s big and romantic and different than everything else on the carpet. Unlike Viola Davis’s gown, I would wear the hell out of this dress.

Sarah Hyland
Also totally different than anything else on the carpet. Personally, I think it’s adorable. I would have a lot of fun wearing this too. (Can’t decide if you should wear a dress or pants? Wear both! Everybody wins!)

Tracee Ellis Ross
Classic, lovely, and elegant. Me like.

Yara Shahidi
I’m unfamiliar with the actress, but there’s something about this dress that I just find rather charming. It’s different without being showy, and she looks great in it.

Trevor Jackson
I’m afraid I don’t know this actor, either, but I definitely approve of his suit–which is SUPER impressive, actually, because velvet suits usually do nothing for me. This looks damn swanky, though.

Natasha Lyonne
This is old school glamour, and I love it. I’m all about anyone who can rock a white cape like that.

Angela Bassett
I feel like I shouldn’t like this one as much as I do–this is a very hard color to pull off–but I think Angela Bassett can actually pull it. I mean, she is owning this dress, right? Besides, you’ve got to like dramatic sleeves.

Lili Taylor
Rocking the pants suit. YES.

SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S LEAST FAVORITES:

Laura Carmichael
Damn it, there are just some colors that don’t go together, and I think banana yellow and soft lavender qualify. Not to mention the structure of that shirt is just peculiar, and . . . is that a daisy? No, I can’t even pretend to understand this look.

Amanda Peet
Er. Maybe it’s supposed to be bumblebee glamour?

Mandy Moore
I like the color, but I have never, ever understood tiered ruffles, and I don’t really like how the dress suddenly becomes sheer, either.

Amy Poehler
I’m a big believer in dressing whatever the hell age you want, but . . . boy, this is an old lady dress. I almost feel like maybe the top part could work on its own but paired with the bottom . . . it’s just way too many green sequins for my taste.

Sarah Paulson
I’m aware that I’m just further demonstrating my complete lack of taste, but this is one of those fashion-forward dresses that I just don’t like at all. Maybe if I could cut off the whole skirt and make it into a super sexy evening jacket? As is, I’m thinking my theme of the night might be “sorry, too much green shit.”

Stacy London
Look, even I don’t like these polka dots, and I love polka dots. This is just bad. And yet, miraculously, it’s still not my least favorite dress on the carpet. Because seriously–

Anna Chlumsky
I can’t even.

FINALLY, SUPREME FASHIONISTA CARLIE’S YAWN REPORT – SO YAWN-WORTHY THAT THESE FOLKS DON’T EVEN GET LINKS:

Tom Hiddleston, Liev Schreiber, Paul Sparks, Thomas Middleditch, Kit Harrington, Tony Hale, Courtney B. Vance, and all the other guys out there in their perfectly nice tuxes who don’t have to worry about being fashion-forward or wearing the same suit as anyone else or repeating a previous year’s look or really anything at all, fashion wise. You’re lazy, the lot of you. Shame! SHAME!

All right, that’s it for today. I’ll try to actually watch the ceremony next year, if only so I have something to talk about other than my own personal sense of fashion.