Coming Soon-Ish: Zombie Dragons, Guardians of the Galaxy, Old Wolverine, and Horror in Suburbia

Get Out

So, this looks pretty fantastic.

I don’t have a whole lot to say about Get Out specifically, just that it looks original and creepy as hell, and I’m pretty excited about it. I will forever love my horror movies, but the genre repeats itself a lot, often telling the same kind of morality tale with the same kind of killers and the same kind of victims. This, on the other hand, looks like something totally new, and with Jordan Peele behind the wheel and Bradley Whitford as a bad guy? Yeah. Count me the hell in.

Guardians of the Galaxy

This is just a teaser, so I’m not going to get all pumped just yet. But it’s funny (the Drax-Peter exchange)and cute (Baby Groot!) and Zoe Saldana, as always, looks immensely badass. I’m just hoping Gamora gets a little more to do in this movie because–as much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy–she never really felt like more of a collection of tropes to me, the Strong Female Character who’s really not much more than the Hero’s Love Interest. Zoe Saldana is capable of so much more, provided the story will give her better characterization here than the last movie did.


So, I’m sure people are into this, but . . . this just kind of looks depressing to me? Like, sure, the action is cool (dude, claws through the HEAD) and who doesn’t like Johnny Cash, but I’m not so sure I’m interested in seeing a movie about Old Logan and Super Old Xavier in some post-mutant, super tragic future where everyone else we care about is dead. I do enjoy some darker superhero stories, but at the moment, I’m not particularly feeling this one.

A Cure for Wellness

First, any treatment that looks like that? Probably not a reputable treatment.

This is interesting so far. Not a lot of plot-specific details, but some of the creepy imagery is fantastic, and yeah, I’m amused by slowing down and creepifying “I Wanna Be Sedated.” Also, I see that Jason Isaacs, Dane DeHaan, and Carl Lumbly are all in this? That’s not a bad cast. I’m not quite at the “give it to me, give it to me NOW” stage yet, but I have some interest in this one, and I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing another trailer that tells you a little more about the story itself.

Last Girl Standing

This could be interesting. I’ve always been fascinated by stories that take place after the big event, especially slashers; in fact, I had a horror movie idea a little like this years ago that I never did anything with because I’m a failure of a flip-flopper and moved onto another project. But! I think this could be worth checking out if the whole thing doesn’t turn out to be the Final Girl Has Gone Crazy and Is The One Actually Killing Everyone. I hate that shit.

If I watch this and that’s what happens, prepare yourselves, people, for you will have to listen to me (well, read me) rant about if for THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF WORDS because I will not be pleased.

John Wick Chapter 2

John Wick was stylish and fun, though I didn’t love it quite as much as everyone else seemed to, probably because I didn’t buy certain moments and conveniences in the story. Still, I certainly liked it enough to check out the trailer for the sequel, and it looks . . . you know, okay. Fun action scenes, a good cast (newbies include Common, Ruby Rose, and Laurence Fishburne), and of course THE DOG. (The dog can’t die in this one. I’m okay with the dog dying last time–even though it was kind of devastating because it was SO CUTE–but you needed it for the actual plot. Here, it would just be shitty.)

I think my biggest actual concern is that the sequel will go too big. John Wick worked as well as it did, I think, because it was a very simple story, Awesome Hotel of Assassins aside. I’m hoping this one doesn’t have big global conspiracies or fate of the world consequences or anything else like that. Keep it small: John Wick does a job. John Wick gets revenge. John Wick keeps his goddamn dog alive. End of story.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Um. Is that a . . . zombie dragon?

I wouldn’t have bothered watching this trailer, since this series is largely not-great and the last one was actively terrible, like, it was a little embarrassing, just how bad that movie was. But this is being billed as the final movie in the franchise, and while I know better than to believe in any supposed final movies (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, etc.) I’m sure Mekaela will take this as an excuse to force me to watch it. The rotten fiend.

Assassin’s Creed

Okay, I haven’t played the games, so I knew nothing about the whole modern storyline (based off the video game trailers, I had just assumed the whole thing was set in the past), but . . . anyone else think this is gonna flop hard? Maybe it’ll be a lot of dumb fun, but right now, that’s not the impression I’m getting, although I suppose that’s kind of an easy bet: video game movies, after all, are notoriously crap. (Mortal Kombat being the obvious exception. I heart you and your ridiculousness forever, Mortal Kombat!)

On the plus side, this movie does have a hell of a cast. Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Irons, Marion Cotillard, Michael Kenneth Williams, Brendan Gleeson . . . I mean, that’s a damn amazing lineup. I just doubt that this movie is going to be worthy of them. But I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong; I’d like a video game movie to actually succeed, for once.

And finally . . . The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Redband, so beware: this is NSFW, which in this case means boobies. But it also means better scares because, for some reason, the normal teaser trailer is actually pretty boring.

This one is much better, so I’m glad I watched it. I’m enjoying some of the creepy visuals, and the fact that our protagonists are apparently a father-son coroner team is kind of awesome. Though, as always, I immediately couldn’t help but think but couldn’t we gender bend it? That would have been so COOL.

5 thoughts on “Coming Soon-Ish: Zombie Dragons, Guardians of the Galaxy, Old Wolverine, and Horror in Suburbia

  1. Get Out – I’m actually really, really excited about this too. Everything about it looks fantastic.

    Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 – I’m really excited about this, too It looks as though they’ll break away from the love-interest angle with Gamora, which I’m thankful for. I’m very interested to see how Nebula and Yondu integrate into the team (I imagine there’s a macguffin-based reason they have to recuit Nebula.) I find it interesting that Mantis isn’t in any of the promo material yet – I hope that doesn’t mean she’s a walk-on. I like the 80s punk vibe it seems to be giving so far in the artwork, and I hope that’s reflected in the soundtrack.

    Logan – I was pretty low-key on this until I saw the trailer. It looks like it’s less dystopian than the story it’s based on, which is probably a plus. I’m very, very excited to see Laura. And how great is it that, at his age, they still had to do age makeup on Patrick Stewart. I think this is going to be a very different kind of X-Men movie, and that ain’t a bad thing.

    A Cure For Wellness – Hadn’t seen this one. Hmmmn. Worth a shot.

    Last Girl Standing – Same. Maybe. Not sure.

    John Wick Chapter 2 – I’m torn on this. I kind of want John Wick to be a one-shot deal.

    Resident Evil: The Final Chapter – Oh my god, is this series still going?

    Assassin’s Creed: I have also not played the game, but… I’m getting a really strong “Prince of Persia” vibe here, which doesn’t bode well for it’s box office.

    The Autopsy of Jane Doe: I’ll have to watch the redband later.

    • On Guardians, agreed, I’d be totally okay if Gamora wasn’t the love interest anymore. I’m not sure if that’s really what’s happening here, though, or if it’s just like a romantic complication and they inevitably make things work by the end of the movie . . . but I’d love to see Gamora single.

      On Logan, agreed: this absolutely looks like a different kind of X-Men movie, which on its own is awesome. (I didn’t even end up watching the last one. I’ll probably get there eventually, but nothing I heard makes me feel like I need to speed that up.) But while I don’t mind pathos in my superhero movies at all, this one just looks straight up depressing to me. Maybe I’ll feel differently with other trailers; right now I’m just not so into it. But I’m aware I’m the outlier in this; most people seem to be psyched, which is cool.

  2. I foresee a bunch of right-wing articles about how Get Out is “reverse racist,” and shit. But I think it looks pretty great. I’m confused as to why the protagonist is taking that other guy’s picture and why it sets the other guy off, but it’s likely that this will be make more sense in context.

    I’m also pretty interested in A Cure For Wellness, and googled it to find out the premise. It’s a Shutter Island deal where Dane DeHaan’s character is sent to this treatment center to look for his boss, and instead gets diagnosed with whatever condition the place is meant to be curing. Similar to Last Girl Standing, I just hope that it doesn’t turn out that he was crazy and a patient all along, or anything.

    I’ve played some Assassin’s Creed, and honestly, I wasn’t real big on the modern day stuff. Although it could work better in a movie; I just didn’t like it because I’d be zipping around as an assassin in the past, parkouring it up, dodging guards, and having fun… And then I’d have to come back to the modern day, sit through a couple of dull cutscenes, and walk around slowly and do nothing.

    Anyway, I too am skeptical of the adaptation’s quality.

    • Yeah, you’re right, Get Out probably will get some reverse racism bullshit reviews, but I’m pretty interested. Likewise, I just assume the context will make that scene make sense.

      I talked to one of my friends who played Assassin’s Creed, and he said the exact same thing you did, that it just pulled you out of the story and was boring, keeping you from doing the things you actually wanted to be doing. Maybe I’ll try it at some point (it’s not 1st person, is it?) but that does seem like an awfully silly setup. Like, the modern stuff doesn’t seem to be the reason that anyone is playing, so why even bother with it?

      • I’ve only played the first and the fourth AC games – if I remember correctly, the historical stuff was all third person, but the modern stuff in AC IV was first person. I did find the modern day stuff significantly more fun in the fourth game though. I still don’t care about the big ominous conspiracy, but the setting is much more fun.

        You’re an employee at some entertainment company which wants to trawl through people’s ancestral memories and turn them into VR experiences and stuff, and there’s a lot of cute satire about video game development. Also, there are some minigames, and although they’re pretty easy and pointless, at least you’ve got something to fucking DO.

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