Let me be honest with you guys: 2016 was not my best year for movies.
On the upside, I finished my Disney Princess Movie Challenge! On the downside, well . . . 2016 was probably a record low for how many movies I watched and reviewed, and unfortunately, I didn’t exactly love a lot of the movies I did watch. I’ve also decided not to do a film challenge this year because I need a little more stress-free time dedicated to non-blog writing. (Although there were still be reviews, promise! In fact, I have two to work on after I finish this epically long bastard. I may try to make some of them a little shorter, though. It would save me some much needed time–although, clearly, brevity isn’t my strong suit.)
With all that being said, let’s get right to it, shall we? It is time for THE 2016 MOVIE SUPERLATIVES.
OBLIGATORY MY GEEK BLASPHEMY DISCLAIMERS:
1. Any movie I watched for the first time this year, whether it came out in 2016 or not, is eligible. I’m also making all of my Disney Princess Movies eligible, even the ones I’ve already seen before. This is partly because it seems weird to eliminate half my challenge from consideration, and also because I probably didn’t review enough movies where I can afford to just summarily dismiss twelve of them.
2. I’ve created my typical Spoiler Section to discuss the more plot twist-y and death awards, but be warned: I am going to talk about the movies at least a little above that line. So if you haven’t seen the film in question and don’t want to know anything about it, like, scroll faster or something.
FAVORITE FEMALE HEROINE
Rapunzel – Tangled
One of the most interesting discoveries I think I made in 2016 is that people give the Disney Princesses way too much shit. Do their stories generally center on romance more than I’d like? Sure. Could Disney do a better job with representation? Absolutely. But there are some damn awesome young women in these movies, adventurous, hardworking, and bold ladies I’d be happy to see my potential-someday daughters look up to. Moreover, the majority of solid female heroines I watched this year were from old Disney movies, not from anything live-action and/or current, a sad backslide from 2015 where there were so many awesome women that this award ended up being a three-way tie.
Of the Disney Princesses, I think Rapunzel is my actual favorite. While it’s hard for me to pick between her and Belle (who I love), Rapunzel easily has the more interesting and more well-developed character arc. She’s also funny, fierce, super cute, brave, believes in self-defense, knows how to wield a frying pan, and may or may not be a secret murderer. I mean, honestly. What’s not to like?
Honorable Mention: Vanessa (Deadpool); Jaylah (Star Trek Beyond); Tiana (The Princess and The Frog); Pocahontas (Pocahontas); Jasmine (Aladdin); Belle (Beauty and the Beast); Louise (Arrival); Natasha (Captain America: Civil War)
MOST FABULOUS FASHION
Sting’s Winged Underoos – Dune; Belle’s Yellow Dress – Beauty and The Beast
Well, obviously, Sting’s Winged Underoos are a thing of glory, like, how do you even compete with that? You can’t. You just CAN’T.
Unless you have nostalgia on your side, in which case, yes, THE YELLOW DRESS. (Or gold dress. Look, it’s pretty clearly gold in the movie, but so many ads and products and costumes have since made it yellow that now it’s just kind of both in my mind.) Despite the obvious hilarity of Sting’s Winged Underoos, my little girl heart still goes “OOOH” because of this dress, so yeah. It ties.
Honorable Mention: Reverend Mother Mohiam’s ensemble (Dune); Claire’s heels (Jurassic World); Dr. Wu’s Black Turtleneck of Evil (Jurassic World); Anna’s green dress (Frozen); Charlotte’s giant pink dress with accompanying dripping mascara (The Princess and the Frog); Cinderella’s blue dress (Cinderella); Negasonic Teenage Warhead’s uniform (Deadpool); Wade in a Christmas sweater and no pants (Deadpool)
Greta’s Detective Towel – The Boy
Because when one investigates spooky noises coming from the creepy attic in the creepy house where one is currently living with a creepy doll, one should perhaps consider changing into pretty much anything other than a perfectly knotted white towel. On the other hand, Greta knows how to tie that thing so well that it never once unravels, even when she manages to knock herself unconscious, which is why she’s also winning MOST UTTERLY RIDICULOUS TALENT.
Honorable Mention for Worst Fashion: Spock’s elbow pads (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); Batman’s brown trench coat over Batman suit (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Zod’s Aquaman-like outfit in the prologue (Man of Steel)
Honorable Mention for Most Utterly Ridiculous Talent: Surviving electrocution (House of 9); Pocahontas’s magic diving abilities (Pocahontas); Mulan’s makeup removal skills (Mulan); Breaking through brainwashing (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier)
WORST HEART KNOWLEDGE
Everyone Learns Foreign Languages Through the Power of Wind – Pocahontas
I feel cheated, you know. I mean, the amount of time I’ve spent freezing on the Golden Gate Bridge alone, hair getting whipped around by the ice cold wind, and did I learn shit from it? Nope. Can I speak any language other than my first with any kind of fluency? Hell no.
And you know why? Because Wind Knowledge is bullshit.
MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS MOMENT
Diablo Calls The Suicide Squad His Family – Suicide Squad; Tina’s Un-Corpsefied Dad Comes Back To Life And Kills Jason – Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood
In the end, I just couldn’t pick between them.
I literally mouthed the words “what the fuck” in theater while watching Diablo call the Suicide Squad his second “family,” and then immediately afterwards, I was forced to contain All The Giggles. People, look. I love families of choice. I love them so much I recently wrote a whole essay about the trope, but here the Suicide Squad barely knows each other, much less acts like a family. This is one of the most bullshit lines I think I’ve ever heard in my life. (Although to be fair, the non-category “Most Bullshit Line” would’ve actually had pretty fierce competition this year from both Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice and, weirdly enough, Arrival. If this trend continues, it might have to be an actual category next year.)
Meanwhile, the Friday the 13th movies are, of course, well-known for being highly ridiculous, but Tina’s father (who, unlike Jason, hasn’t decomposed at all despite many years submerged underwater) springing forth from the lake and pulling Jason back down beneath the surface was very possibly the most ludicrous moment this series has ever produced. These movies haven’t accidentally made me laugh so hard since Rob screamed, “He’s killing me! He’s killing me!” while being stabbed in the chest in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.
Honorable Mention: Jail time means randomly shaving Lex Luthor’s head (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Batman and Superman’s incredibly quick friendship (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Evil Bear becomes a Force Ghost (Brave); Beast’s glowy-toed transformation back to humanity (Beauty and the Beast); The horses from hell (Cinderella); The body shield fight scene (Dune); Dennis Hopper’s Irish accent (House of 9); Max melodramatically throws himself on a bed (House of 9)
Princess Irulan and The Beginning of Dune – Dune
Because seriously. Virginia Madsen talks at us face-to-face for like ten minutes with actual planet charts to set up this chaotic-ass universe, and it still manages to be confusing. Although easily the most confusing thing of all is why Princess Irulan is the one explaining or narrating anything, as she is easily the least consequential character in a movie full of inconsequential people (particularly women).
Oh, and for the record, Dune wins for WORST VOICEOVER too. Because we still have to deal with Princess Irulan’s arbitrary narration throughout the film, not to mention the bits of movie where we hear everybody’s thoughts. That bit’s actually pretty interesting, but unfortunately it also almost never works.
Honorable Mention for Worst Exposition: The beginning (Friday the 13th: Part VII – The New Blood); The Watcher’s monologue (House of 9)
BEST FIGHT SCENE
The Avengers vs. The Avengers – Captain America: Civil War
There were a lot, a lot, of really awesome fight scenes this year, but nothing could even come close to the sheer mastery of the airfield battle in Captain America: Civil War. I mean, damn. It was perfect. It was pretty much the epic fight since I’ve wanted to see since I was a little girl. I know the future will eventually prove me wrong, but right now I have a hard time believing it will ever be topped.
Honorable Mentions: Captain America + Bucky vs. Iron Man (Captain America: Civil War); Mr. Darcy vs. Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies); The Bennett Sisters vs. Each Other (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies); Paul vs. Gurney (Dune); Batman vs. Superman (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); The Villagers vs. The Enchanted Staff (Beauty and The Beast); Negasonic Teenage Warhead + Colossus vs. Angel Dust (Deadpool); Deadpool vs. Guys in Car (Deadpool)
Rapunzel – Tangled
Merida’s hair is lovely, but Rapunzel’s hair–while admittedly requiring a buttload of maintenance–can glow, be used as rope, and magically heal people. It kind of wins.
Honorable Mention: Merida (Brave); Pocahontas (Pocahontas); Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Deadpool)
Tina’s Mom – Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood
I know picking a hairdo from the 80’s is the lowest of low fruits, but . . . well. Sometimes, you just can’t help yourself.
Honorable Mentions: Zod (Man of Steel)
BEST SCENE STEALER
Black Panther – Captain America: Civil War
Best Scene Stealer is always kind of difficult, like, do you give it to someone with a solid supporting role who’s so much more interesting than the actual hero, or should it be reserved for someone who makes the absolute most of their tiny amount of screen time. This year I decided to award it to Black Panther because even in a movie with, like, a bazillion other pre-established, dynamic, and generally well-loved superheroes, Chadwick Boseman’s dignified, badass performance managed to steal the show, and that is not an easy feat.
Honorable Mention: Wonder Woman (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Dr. Henry Wu (Jurassic World); Mr. Collins (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies); General Shang (Arrival); Alia (Dune); Dr. Emil Hamilton (Man of Steel); Karen (Jurassic World); Bodhi Rook (Rogue One); K-2SO (Rogue One); Merida’s Brothers/Baby Bears (Brave); Percy (Pocahontas); The Wardrobe (Beauty and the Beast); Lucifer (Cinderella); Fa Li (Mulan); Nakoma (Pocahontas); Peter Parker (Captain America: Civil War)
Maximus – Tangled
Because this horse is clearly part bloodhound, and also very possibly a bloodthirsty killer, considering how delighted he is to try and stomp on Flynn’s fingers and send him to his doom. Like, these are the qualities you want in a sidekick, I think. Also, Maximus has the very best reaction faces.
(It’s occurring to me now that Favorite Sidekick in my Book Superlatives also went to a horse, although Kamala is part demon rather than part bloodhound and actually eats flesh rather than just trying to crush it under his hooves. Regardless, I think they would make an interesting team-up and would happily read the crossover fanfiction between Tangled and Roshani Chokshi’s The Star-Touched Queen.)
Honorable Mention: Falcon (Captain America: Civil War); Abu (Aladdin); Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Deadpool); Bucky (Captain America: Civil War); Pascal (Tangled); Rajah (Aladdin); Magic Carpet (Aladdin); Gurgi (The Black Cauldron); Colossus (Deadpool); Meeko (Pocahontas)
Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool
I mean, it kind of has to be, right? It’s an overused phrase, I know, but Deadpool is like the role Ryan Reynolds was born to play.
Honorable Mentions: Matt Smith (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies); Amy Adams (Arrival); Chadwick Boseman (Captain America: Civil War); Tom Holland (Captain America: Civil War); Genevieve O’Reilly (Rogue One); Kristen Bell (Frozen); Keith David (The Princess and the Frog); Robin Williams (Aladdin); Eleanor Audley (Cinderella); Margot Robbie (Suicide Squad)
WORST WASTE OF AN ACTOR’S CONSIDERABLE TALENT
Idris Elba – Star Trek Beyond
I may like the Kelvin Verse Star Trek Movies (well, two out of three, anyway), but that doesn’t mean I have to like their villains. The new movies haven’t managed to come up with a good one yet*, and Krall is certainly no exception. He is just. So. Boring. He is the most generic Standard Villain to ever villain anywhere, and the thing is, you’ve got Idris Goddamn Elba at your disposal here. That man is brilliant. Why aren’t you giving him anything to work with?
*To be fair, I tend to find most Star Trek movie villains pretty underwhelming. I even find Ricardo Montalban’s Khan too campy to take seriously, which is obviously just blatant heresy. (Though to be clear, he is far, far preferable to Benedict Cumberbatch’s Khan.)
Honorable Mentions: Lena Headey (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies); Linda Hunt (Dune); Karen Fukuhara (Suicide Squad); Charles Dance (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies); Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Suicide Squad); Forest Whitaker (Rogue One); Shohreh Aghdashloo (Star Trek Beyond)
Baron Harkonnen – Dune
2016 was not a good year for villains. Most of them have been vastly underwhelming (see above), utterly ludicrous, or occasionally both. And yet as much as this year’s bad guys have failed for me, there simply wasn’t a Big Bad I despised more than one from the 80’s: Baron Harkonnen. He’s a combination of some of my least favorite tropes, most especially the Stereotypical Fat Villain, and I resented every last second I had to watch his obnoxious ass.
It’s probably just as well, that I hated him so very much, because I actually don’t know how I would have chosen between a few of the Honorable Mentions.
Honorable Mention: Krall (Star Trek Beyond); Doomsday (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Lex Luthor (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); General Zod (Man of Steel); Enchantress (Suicide Squad); Krennic (Rogue One); Sybok (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); Wickham (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies);
Ursula – The Little Mermaid
Like I said, 2016 was a shit year for bad guys. I did have three very strong contenders for this award, but they were ALL from Disney movies dating from 1989-2010.
Though it was a hard choice, I decided to go with Ursula for a bunch of reasons:
A) She’s awesome. (Shut up, that’s valid logic.)
B) She has a great voice.
C) No one gives the standard Reaction Face of Horror to her being both fat and sexy.
D) Everything about “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”
E.) Her Grand Master Plan isn’t actually about Ariel at all.
F.) She’s awesome. Seriously.
Honorable Mention: Mother Gothel (Tangled); Gaston (Beauty and the Beast); Faora-Ul (Man of Steel); Zemo (Captain America: Civil War); Cinderella’s Stepmother (Cinderella); Angel Dust (Deadpool); The Wicked Queen (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
Steve & Bucky – Captain America: Civil War
Sorry, Sam. You are awesome and I love how you are Steve’s new bestie, but it’s hard to compete with a history that stretches back to World War II. I’m one of the rare people who don’t particularly ship Steve/Bucky, but their incredibly complicated and angst-ridden friendship? Yeah, I’m all about that.
But that reminds me . . .
Honorable Mention: Steve & Sam (Captain America: Civil War); Chirrut & Baze (Rogue One); Spock & Bones & Kirk (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); Bones & Spock (Star Trek Beyond)
Steve/Tony – Captain America: Civil War; Vanessa/Wade – Deadpool
Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll said it again: it’s all about this. I will ship this forever.
However, Vanessa/Wade ultimately had to tie too, because for a half-crazy mercenary and a stripper who may or may not also be a prostitute, they have probably the healthiest, happiest, and most sex-positive relationship in all of the MCU. I will have suffer no angsty bullshit in the following sequels, people. These two must last forever.
Honorable Mention: Bones/Spock (Star Trek Beyond); Rapunzel/Flynn (Tangled)
Pocahontas & Nakoma – Pocahontas; Tiana & Charlotte – The Princess and the Frog
Though the Disney Princess Movies were sadly short of girl friendship stories, it must be noted that the only two contenders I even had for this award were from DP films. Another reason we shouldn’t automatically discount the princesses as anti-feminist or poor role models for little girls.
Nakoma is funny and wry and not a spoiled little rich girl, so I like her a bit more than I like BFF Charlotte. OTOH, I really love that despite being spoiled and a bit clueless, Charlotte tries to help Tiana out more than once during the film, so to hell with it. They both tie.
BEST PLATONIC M/F FRIENDSHIP
Steve & Natasha – Captain America: Civil War
Steve and Natasha don’t get quite as much time together as they did in The Winter Soldier, but I still really like the moments we get of them here. Even on opposite sides of the fight, they (like Natasha and Clint, who unfortunately had even less screen time) will always be bros. Love you two!
BEST DYNAMIC DUO
Bones & Spock – Star Trek Beyond
I generally enjoyed Star Trek Beyond and could easily watch it again . . . but the parts I loved about this story, that basically made the whole movie for me, were definitely the scenes between Bones and Spock.
They are the best. They are amazing. I was in a Star Trek H/C fanfiction spiral for weeks after this film came out because of them, and I desperately want another sequel now where Bones is hurt and Spock has to take care of him. You know, for balance. (And because I’m a sucker for Bones whump, which–while certainly out there–seems considerably harder to find that Hurt Jim or Hurt Spock.)
Honorable Mention: Iron Man & Spiderman (Captain America: Civil War); Cogsworth & Lumiere (Beauty and the Beast); Deadshot & Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad); Scotty & Jaylah (Star Trek Beyond); Chirrut & Baze (Rogue One); Kristoff & Sven (Frozen); Aladdin & Abu (Aladdin)
BEST SIBLING STORY
Not like there was a whole lot of competition this year, but it was pretty nice to see a Disney movie about sisters who were both in the movie for more than twelve seconds AND not evil all at the same time. I’m still frustrated with some of the plot contrivances in the setup, but I like Elsa and Anna’s general arc and their climactic moment near the end of the story? Love.
I was sure this award would go to one of the many Disney movies I watched this year, but in the end, the music in Deadpool felt like such a vital part in creating the film’s original, irreverent tone that I had to change my mind. I listened to the soundtrack on Youtube and smiled pretty much the whole way through it. And I’m pretty into things that make me smile these days.
Honorable Mention: Beauty and The Beast; Aladdin; Suicide Squad
FAVORITE OPENING CREDITS
Deadpool; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Obviously, Deadpool seemed like a heavy favorite here because . . . well, because. I mean, watch it.
But as disappointed as I ended up being with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (it started out so good!), I have to give credit where credit is due: between the awesome artwork and Charles Dance’s excellent narration, the opening credits are pretty amazing. If only the last third of the movie could have been even half as great.
Honorable Mention: Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood
MOST WASTED POTENTIAL
Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood
I’m sure there are some who would question this choice over obvious nominees like Batman v. Superman, but I just can’t get past this: how does Jason, Undead Serial Killer versus Tina, Teenage Telekinetic, end up being this dull? This should have been a ridiculous cheese-fest of awesome. This should have been Carrie vs Jason, goddamn it. The unused potential in this movie is staggering. Since we’re so obsessed with remaking these movies over and over, how about we reboot this one instead?
Honorable Mention: Suicide Squad; Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice; Man of Steel; Rogue One; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; House of 9; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; The Black Cauldron
WORST WTF MOVIE
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Look, I’m just going to straight up copy and paste the plot summary from my review: “A human, a Klingon, and a Romulan walk into a bar and get taken hostage by Spock’s previously unheard of emotional anarchist of a half-brother, who then leads them and the crew of the Enterprise on the quest to find God. Like, literally.”
This movie has some surprisingly decent dialogue and, like, one great idea that it totally fails to deliver on. Beyond that, it’s just kind of painful. To date, it’s easily my least favorite Star Trek film that I’ve both seen and remember (though this might change, if I ever go back and watch the TNG movies that aren’t First Contact), which is why I’m also giving The Final Frontier WORST SEQUEL, even though it faced pretty stiff competition this year.
Honorable Mention for Worst WTF Movie: Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; The Black Cauldron
Honorable Mention for Worst Sequel: Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice; Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood; Jurassic World
Captain America: Civil War
There are things that I didn’t quite like about Civil War (things I’ll touch on shortly, and possibly later in the superlatives as well), but overall, the movie is a hugely ambitious accomplishment, considering just how many characters and stories it had to wrangle. The plot made sense, the motivations were understandable, the dialogue was wonderfully quippy, the bad guy didn’t suck, and The Feels were EVERYWHERE. It’s probably the Avengers sequel that most of us hoped Age of Ultron would be.
Honorable Mentions: Star Trek Beyond
FAVORITE SUPERHERO MOVIE
There’s a part of me that feels like I’m doing this wrong. Like, it has to be Civil War, right? It just has to be. But as successful as that movie is, as much as it gets right and as much as I LOVE that epic fight scene . . . I have a few significant problems with it too, and on any given day where I’m just hanging on my couch, choosing which I’d rather watch . . . 9 times out of 10, I’m probably picking Deadpool because it’s just so delightful. Deadpool is exactly what I hoped it would be, which is also why it’s winning BEST WTF MOVIE and FAVORITE MOVIE I SAW IN THEATER.
Honorable Mention: Captain America: Civil War
LEAST FAVORITE SUPERHERO MOVIE
Man of Steel
No question here: Man of Steel is the longest, most joyless excuse for a superhero movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t think I can imagine a film that manages to be so unintentionally ridiculous and so monotonously grim all at the same time. It is the glum panda bear of superhero movies.
Honorable Mention: Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIE
Beauty and The Beast
Nostalgia wins this time around. Beauty and The Beast was my favorite Disney Princess movie growing up, and it’s still my favorite now, even if my adult feminist brain occasionally cringes at the movie’s primary romantic relationship. It’s just such a big comfort movie for me. I love Belle and Beast and the yellow gown and the library and Lumiere and Cogsworth and Gaston and just, well, all of it.
Honorable Mention: Tangled
LEAST FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIE
The Black Cauldron
Overall, it’s just not very good. The hero is whiny and annoying. The princess is dull and useless, and worse, she’s a terrible adaptation of one of my favorite characters from childhood. In fact, the movie is a pretty terrible adaptation in general, as Disney decided to take chunks from The Book of Three and chunks from The Black Cauldron and weakly stitch them together. So, along with it being a fairly boring film that doesn’t at all live up to any of its weird and wonderful potential, The Black Cauldron is also winning for LEAST FAVORITE BOOK ADAPTATION.
Honorable Mention For Least Favorite Disney Princess Movie: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Honorable Mention For Least Favorite Book Adaptation: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE
This was tough, and I understand that a few of you who have waded this far into my superlatives are screaming in outrage right now. For a while, I thought this one was going to be Pride and Prejudice and Zombies because even though I didn’t go into it with any expectations–I mean, obviously–the movie started out so well for me that I got my hopes up . . . before it all went straight to hell. But ultimately, despite enjoying the novel (and, of course, the novel that the novel is based on) I didn’t exactly sit down expecting total awesomeness.
. . . but Arrival . . . look, I actually liked it okay. I gave it a tentative grade of B+ in my review, and I’d probably stand by that. Certainly no lower than a B. But I wanted to love this movie the way others have loved it. I wanted to have that inspirational, mindblown experience that so many people had in theater . . . and I just really didn’t. Despite Amy Adams’s phenomenal acting and all the neat linguistic stuff, I didn’t find it a particularly powerful film; hell, even the linguistic stuff I was interested in got unnecessarily rushed. So, yeah. I think Arrival is a better movie than any of the Honorable Mentions listed below, but I also think it’s the one I, personally, found the most disappointing.
Honorable Mention: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; Rogue One; The Black Cauldron
LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE
Man of Steel
Man of Steel is not the worst movie I watched this year. That is, without question, House of 9. But I don’t think I’ve disliked a superhero movie this badly in years. And it’s not even a question of fangirl disappointment–I’m not deeply attached to Superman or his canon. But this movie took anything potentially fun or optimistic about the superhero and turned it grim and, far worse, flat. It is bleak without being thoughtful, dark without being entertaining. It is maudlin and overly long and with Jonathan Kent . . . yeah. It’s all just kind of awful.
Honorable Mention: House of 9; Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice; Jurassic World; Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood; Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; The Black Cauldron
Beauty and The Beast
This is probably why I normally don’t include movies I’ve already watched (much less ones that are beloved childhood favorites) for my superlatives: Deadpool is, pretty clearly, my favorite new movie I saw all year, but do I really love it more than my Inner Child loves Beauty and the Beast? I don’t think I can say that. Hell, just hearing the music from the prologue makes me go all “awwww.”
Well, whatever. There’s no logic here, no argument why Beauty and the Beast deserves Favorite Movie over everything else I watched and review in 2016. It just does. Cause, like. THE LIBRARY.
Honorable Mentions: Deadpool; Tangled; Captain America: Civil War
MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE OF 2017
Star Wars: Episode VIII
There are a fair number of movies I want to see this year, but nothing really comes close to Star Wars: Episode VIII. Between it being directed by Rian Johsnon, being Carrie Fisher’s last movie, and hailing the return of Rey, Finn, and Poe?
People. I want this movie to be good SO HARD.
Honorable Mentions: Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2; Wonder Woman; Spider-Man: Homecoming; The Lego Batman Movie; The Dark Tower; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Get Out; Murder On The Orient Express; Thor: Ragnarok; IT
All right, folks. We are now moving into Peek-Through-Your-Fingers Territory!
Hands up? Then let’s get started.
WEAKEST FEMALE CHARACTER
June Moone – Suicide Squad
I certainly watched more annoying female characters than June Moone this year, but I’m not convinced I saw anyone with less interiority. June is the unlucky archaeologist possessed by the movie’s villain, The Enchantress, and you might think that’d mean we’d get to see a little bit with her character: watching her trapped inside her body, struggling for control, etc.
Unfortunately, June is less of an actual character than she is a combination of Plot Device and Love Interest, so despite being the vessel for the primary antagonist, everything June goes through isn’t even about her; it’s about her man, Rick Flagg. She is the damsel in distress, the princess in the tower, and absolutely nothing more. It’s really frustrating.
Honorable Mention: Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs); Lara (Man of Steel); Lyra Erso (Rogue One: A Star Wars Story); Sharon Carter (Captain America: Civil War); Lady Jessica (Dune); Chani (Dune); Eilonwy (The Black Cauldron); Tina (Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood); Lea (House of 9)
Peggy Carter – Captain America: Civil War
I remain deeply unimpressed with this. I don’t care if she was, like, 90. PEGGY CARTER, GODDAMN IT. She got cancelled and she got killed.
I fully intend to sulk in a miserable heap about this for years.
Honorable Mentions: Shadout Mapes (Dune); Ensign Syl (Star Trek Beyond); Senator Finch (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Mercy Graves (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice) Dr. Emil Hamilton (Man of Steel); K-2SO (Rogue One); Bodhi Rook (Rogue One); Chirrut (Rogue One); Baze (Rogue One); Lucifer (Cinderella)
Zara – Jurassic World
Because it’s bullshit. That she was going to die? Oh yeah. I have no problem with that; that was pretty much obvious from the first second you saw her. But her ludicrously over-the-top death scene that heavily came across as a Karmic Death for the sin of being a girl who’s on the phone a lot? Fuck that noise.
Honorable Mentions: Shadout Mapes (Dune); Diablo (Suicide Squad); Peggy Carter (Captain America: Civil War); Lyra (Rogue One); Saw (Rogue One)
The Sleeping Bag Kill – Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood
Maybe because I spent the greater majority of my time watching Disney Princess Movies this year, but there really weren’t many worthwhile contenders for this particular award. Still, Jason picking up the girl in the sleeping bag and slamming the whole thing into a tree was certainly memorable.
Honorable Mention: Shan Yu (Mulan)
Almost Everyone – House of 9
Al B is unfairly pictured above as the representative of the group (because I didn’t feel like posting over a half dozen pics), but rest assured, this goes to almost everyone in the movie except Francis. (Actually, Francis is eligible too, just for a different reason.) Because while there were far too many characters in 2016 needlessly sacrificing themselves for no good reasons, the people most worthy of the actual Darwin Award are these fuckers, who decide to get drunk and dance around to forget their worries, which is an INSANELY DUMB IDEA when you’re surrounded by eight other people who all have extremely strong incentive for murdering you.
This happens in movies far more often than I’d like. I swear to God, if I watch this one more time, I’m officially making a new tag: Agatha Christie’s Cocaine Party.
Honorable Mentions: Superman (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Lyra Erso (Rogue One); Gaston (Beauty and the Beast); Francis (House of 9)
Dr. Wu – Jurassic World
Look, anyone who’s ever seen a movie before must know that BD Wong’s survival in Jurassic World is nothing short of a miracle. Sure, he was in the original film, but let’s not pretend he was a major player. Killing off Dr. Wu would not have shocked or angered fans the way that killing off, say, Ellie or Malcolm might have. Besides, Wu has two huge things working against him: a) he’s a Secret Bad Guy, which means his karmic death should be imminent, and b) he’s Asian. Asian people die in these kinds of movies, you guys. It is incredibly rare when Asian characters survive the dinosaur/zombie/whatever apocalypse. Not to mention, I was rooting for him and his Black Turtleneck of Evil to make it, which is never a promising sign for survival.
But in this one, rare time the universe was not against me. Admittedly, that’s only because they’re probably using Dr. Wu’s bad guy activities to set up the proposed Jurassic World sequel, but I don’t even care. BD Wong LIVED. It’s one of the very few things I genuinely enjoy about this movie.
Honorable Mentions: Sebastian (The Little Mermaid); Wade Wilson (Deadpool)
Jor-El’s “Baby Soul Survivor” Plan – Man of Steel
So much about the Man of Steel prologue frustrates and perplexes me to this day. I don’t understand how a species this advanced fails to have any evacuation spaceships that are bigger than infant-sized; considering that, I definitely don’t understand how Zod planned to get himself, his cronies, and the Kryptonian Genetic Codex off the planet before it became a moot point. And then we have Jor-El’s plan, which is . . . um . . . well, it’s a plan, all right.
Jor-El plans to save the Kryptonians from extinction by fusing their Genetic Codex to his newborn son, who is the most worthy of this opportunity to live because he–unlike all the other asshole newborns on Krypton–was born naturally through a vagina. He then puts his Codex Baby in a tiny rocket ship that he made, and (with an assist by his otherwise deeply insignificant wife) hurls it into space so that, someday, Kal-El can grow up and get his freak on with humanity and propagate the Kryptonian species back into existence. Or, as I put it in the Moral section of my review:
In the event that your apartment building is very, very slowly burning down, do not take the time to try and escape yourself, or warn others that they should try to escape, or take down the evil landlord who doesn’t want anyone to escape because that would mean he was responsible for the fire in the first place. Instead, take that time to make a very special baby carriage, strap your newborn child inside it, and toss it from your window into another window of a different building across the street. Surely your newborn will make it because you programmed that carriage to take special care of its passenger and–just like HAL 9000 taught us–absolutely nothing could go wrong with that. And while you and everyone else you know in the apartment building will die, you and your partner can comfort yourselves with the knowledge that at least one person survived and will grow up to procreate with people from other apartments, meaning that a piece of you and your people will always live on. Though I suspect the person from 2B will not see it the same way.
I mean, for God’s sake. Couldn’t Jor-El have at least sent five different babies in five different ships? Then–assuming none of them were killed due to random asteroids or evil aliens or what have you–they each could have crash-landed in different countries on Earth, only to come together as teenagers to
become Voltron defeat alien bad guys and DEFEND THE WORLD.
Jesus. I’d probably actually watch that. What the hell is wrong with me?
Honorable Mentions: Hoskins’s dinosaur army plan (Jurassic World); Creating the Super Dinosaur (Jurassic World); Merida going through with the spell (Brave); Getting drunk when everyone around you will be better off if you’re dead (House of 9); Belle seeking out the West Wing on her first day (Beauty and the Beast); Putting Enchantress on the team (Suicide Squad); Superman trying to stop Batman without explaining anything (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Batman having Doomsday chase him back to Gotham (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Superman killing Doomsday himself (Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice); Lex’s entirely incomprehensible plan to have Superman and Batman kill each other (Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Pa Kent goes for the dog (Man of Steel); Ariel signing the contract to become human (The Little Mermaid); Taking the job (The Boy); Dr. Crews doesn’t tell anyone about the dead body (Friday the 13th: Part VII – The New Blood)
Pa Kent – Man of Steel
There were, as you will note, a great deal of contenders this year, but at the end of the day, no would quite beat out Pa Kent, who won this award with two memorable moments: A) He tells Child Clark that maybe he should have let, like, 30 children unnecessarily die in order to keep his secret, and B) He needlessly sacrifices himself to a tornado in order to make sure no one finds out that Clark is an alien. To be clear, Jonathan Kent prioritizes both his own demise (which his son watches, forever cursed with the knowledge that he could have helped) and MASS CHILD MURDER as being less important than the mere possibility that humanity won’t be able to handle that Clark is an alien. So it should be of no surprise to you that this man also wins WORST PRIORITIES.
What might surprise you if you haven’t actually watched this movie is that after ALL of this work to keep Clark’s secret safe, the film then has the audacity to suggest that Clark being a superhero would have made Jonathan Kent proud.
What. The fucking. FUCK. No. Just no.
Honorable Mentions for Chief Asshat: Ian (Arrival); Diablo (Suicide Squad); Elsa and Anna’s Parents (Frozen); Merida (Brave); Shang (Mulan); John Smith (Pocahontas); Brahms’s Parents (The Boy); Malcolm (The Boy); Dr. Crews (Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood); The Enchantress (Beauty and the Beast); King Triton (The Little Mermaid); Taran (The Black Cauldron); The King (Cinderella); Jay (House of 9); Superman (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Batman (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice)
Honorable Mentions for Worst Priorities: Dr. Crews choosing, IDK, book rights and continued experimentation over not being horribly murdered (Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood); Ariel picking the possibility of love over her whole life (The Little Mermaid); Lyra picking a poorly thought out rescue plan to save her husband over making sure her daughter was safe (Rogue One)
WORST WTF MOMENT
Pa Kent Tells Child Clark He Should’ve Let A Bunch of Kids Die in Order to Keep His Secret – Man of Steel; Batman’s 1% Argument of Morality and Murder – Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
The funny thing is that any other year? I’m pretty sure Tony and Pepper breaking up offscreen in Civil War would have won this award because, like, we’re talking about an important, well-established romantic relationship that we’ve been watching for almost a decade and throwing it out the window cause, IDK, unnecessary angst? The MCU has a lot of things going for it, but the majority of the women–save Natasha, who BTW still doesn’t have her own movie–don’t get nearly as much to do and seem to be pretty easily cast aside or replaced. It’s starting to really piss me off.
That all being said, the off-screen breakup can’t even TIE this year for Worst WTF Moment because, well, because Zack Snyder exists.
We’ve already mostly covered Pa Kent’s utter terribleness in his Chief Asshat award–but seriously WTF–so let’s move on now to Batman and his holy shit supervillain moment. See, if you haven’t watched the movie, you might not realize this, but Batman does not trust Superman. That’s all fine, of course–Batman is famously a suspicious bastard, hence my usual adoration for him–but he makes this argument for the justification of acquiring a weapon to murder Supes with: “If there is a one percent chance he is our enemy, we have to take it as an absolute certainty.”
And, as I said in my review, that is not the argument of a superhero, or or any reasonable human being. Taking a 1% chance as a 100% certainty is the argument of someone who supports internment camps. It’s the argument that this incoming administration might use to defend a Muslim registry. It is, to be clear, the argument of the Villain. I’ll take a lot of different interpretations of Batman, but this one is total bullshit.
Honorable Mention: Tony and Pepper break up offscreen (Captain America: Civil War); Steve kisses Peggy’s grandniece about seven seconds after Peggy’s put into the ground (Captain America: Civil War); Diablo calls the Suicide Squad his family (Suicide Squad); The murder of nameless Jimmy Olsen (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Lyra’s death (Rogue One); Uhura’s sexy dance with dubbed vocals (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); The melding of two Enterprises (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); Ian is more “surprised” at meeting Louise than ALIENS (Arrival); Batman’s possibly prophetic dreams (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Batman’s literally brutal brand of Bat Justice (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); The entire prologue (Man of Steel); Pa Kent needlessly martyrs himself (Man of Steel); Kids are more impressed that Owen can put a car into reverse than in their aunt killing a dinosaur (Jurassic World); Saw stays behind and dies for no reason (Rogue One); Learning Language Through the Wind (Pocahontas); Superman’s non-reaction to the death of hundreds (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); EVERYTHING about Lex’s plan to have Superman & Batman kill each other (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Spock having a suddenly announced emotional terrorist half-brother (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); The Song of Doom (House of 9); Francis’s Buffalo Bill impression (House of 9)
BEST WTF MOMENT
The Enterprise Takes Out Aliens with The Beastie Boys – Star Trek Beyond
I know a lot of people didn’t like this, and I get it, I do, but guys, nothing made me laugh harder in theater this year, at least, nothing did that was meant to be funny. This moment, though, was intentionally, ludicrously glorious, and I loved every second of it.
Honorable: Tina psychically attacks Jason with a plant and decapitated head (Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood)
BEST INDIVIDUAL SONG
“Sabotage” – The Beastie Boys (Star Trek Beyond); “Poor Unfortunate Souls” – Pat Carroll (The Little Mermaid)
“Sabotage” wins for the same reason it won for Best WTF Moment: sheer, unadulterated laughter.
Meanwhile, despite facing some seriously stiff competition, “Poor Unfortunate Souls” is, I think, my actual favorite Disney Princess Movie Song. It’s subversive and awesome as hell, and I listen to it with some frequency. (I own considerably more Disney songs now that I did this time last year.)
Honorable Mention: “Angel of the Morning” – Juice Newton (Deadpool); “Shoop” – Salt-N-Pepa (Deadpool); “Gaston” (Beauty and the Beast); “One Jump Ahead” (Aladdin); “Friend Like Me” (Aladdin); “Prince Ali” (Aladdin); “Les Poissons” (The Little Mermaid); “Friends On The Other Side” (The Princess and the Frog); “Kingdom Dance” (Tangled); “Mother Knows Best (Tangled); “Mother Knows Best (Reprise)” (Tangled); “Short Hair” (Mulan)
WORST PLOT CONTRIVANCE
The King and Queen Refuse to Tell Anna that Elsa has Magic – Frozen
There were many plot contrivances this year, as always, but I don’t know if any of them annoyed me quite as much as the parents refusing to tell Anna that Elsa has magic for absolutely no good reason that I can tell. Seriously, Anna and Elsa’s parents are the WORST.
. . . oh, all right, clearly I’ve already proven that Pa Kent is actually The Worst. But I’m deeply unimpressed with these dead bastards, too. 2016 is like the year of parental ineptitude and what-the-fuckery.
Honorable Mention: Learning language through the wind (Pocahontas); Louise suddenly has a pocket-sized alien dictionary (Arrival); Steve doesn’t tell Natasha and/or Tony that Bucky was framed until the Big Fight (Captain America: Civil War); Batman and Superman’s reasons for attacking each other (Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice); Malcolm not using his key (The Boy); Scotty knocks himself out (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier); Lea tripping, breaking a toilet, and finding Francis’s stash of weapons (House of 9)
BEST BOO-YAH MOMENT
Merida Defends Her Mother – Brave
Merida may have driven me a little nuts during this movie, but the moment where she hacks off her own dad’s wooden leg, stands between him and her mom (who’s currently and unfortunately a bear), and says, “I’ll not let you kill my mother!” Yeah, that was definitely a grade A badass moment.
Honorable Mentions: Mulan takes down Shan Yu and saves China (Mulan); Lady Jessica kills her captor (Dune); Uhura rescues herself (Star Trek Beyond); Claire kills a dinosaur (Jurassic World); Vanessa stabs Ajax (Deadpool); Ant-Man becomes giant (Captain America: Civil War); Black Panther, in a dignified and understated way, tells Cap that he’s totes gonna kill Bucky and Cap can’t do nothing to stop it (Captain America: Civil War)
MOST ANNOYING ROMANCE
Captain America/Sharon Carter – Captain America: Civil War
I watched plenty of formulaic romances this year, and Snow White would certainly win for the creepiest one, but nobody annoyed me down to MY SOUL the way that Captain America and Sharon Carter did.
I was never a fan of these two, as throughout the MCU movies, Sharon has never been given anything even resembling a personality, and Cap has proven to have more chemistry with Tony, Peggy, Bucky, Sam, Natasha, and even Nick Fury than he has with her. I also feel totally squicked out that Steve is macking on his lady love’s great-niece, but it’s not like I wasn’t aware of Sharon’s identity going into the film. No, these two really win this award because they smooch, what, seven seconds after Peggy’s funeral? And then Cap says it was “late?”
NO. No, you bastards, it’s not “late” at all. It’s ridiculously too soon, and this is some bullshit.
Honorable Mentions: Snow White/The Prince (Snow White); Louise/Ian (Arrival); Paul/Chani (Dune); Harley/Joker (Suicide Squad); Claire/Owen (Jurassic World); Mulan/Shang (Mulan); Pocahontas/John Smith (Pocahontas); Greta/Malcolm (The Boy)
There is a Secret Military Conspiracy to Use the Dinosaurs for War – Jurassic World
This one was hard. The twist that Ian is Hannah’s father is absurdly protracted in Arrival, and the twist that Krall was once a human Starfleet captain is so obvious I wish they’d just told us right from the get-go.
But the military twist in Jurassic World was just so unnecessary. It convoluted the plot, took away from Dr. Wu’s not unreasonable argument that you can’t ask for cool predatory features without getting scary predatory traits, and just didn’t make a whole lot of sense in general, particularly with Hoskins being so absurdly confident that he could easily lead a dinosaur army to save the day after, like, watching Owen do a couple of small tricks with the raptors. Taking this twist out wouldn’t have saved Jurassic World from its judgy bullshit, but it would’ve helped the basic story. (Although would BD Wong have survived the film then, if they weren’t using his character to create more super dinos in the sequel? Hm, probably not.)
Honorable Mentions: Ian is Hannah’s father (Arrival); Krall was once a human Starfleet captain (Star Trek Beyond)
Evil Bear is also Old Legendary Prince Dude – Brave
So, I didn’t exactly watch a ton of movies with Big Twists this year (something I’m perfectly okay with), and the ones I did watch wildly underwhelmed me . . . but for whatever faults I had with Brave, I thought it was a very well-structured film with a solid, almost natural reveal that the Evil Bear was also the Old Legendary Prince Dude. It just all seemed very well handled to me.
“You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!” – Star Trek: The Final Frontier
It amuses me to no end that my favorite quote of the year came from one of my least favorite movies I watched. Of course, that’s the thing about stories: rarely is anything 100% perfection or 100% suckfest. That’s the joy of over-analyzation: sifting through the parts and seeing what works for you and what really doesn’t. I found The Final Frontier to be a seriously flawed and pretty boring movie overall, but credit where credit is due: this is a great line and a great moment. I just wish the movie had actually followed through on this idea with the rest of the story.
And now I present to you the rest of the many Honorable Mentions:
Parson Collins: “Oh, is there some kind of trouble?”
(The Bennet sisters all take out there swords.)
Parson Collins: “Oh, it appears there is.” – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Penny: “I survived! I survived!”
Jane: “Not in the traditional sense of the word.” – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Mrs. Bennet: “But Liz is quite available and almost as fair as Jane.”
Parson Collins: “Is there absolutely no negotiating over Jane?”
Mrs. Bennet: “The early bird catches the worm, Mr. Collins.”
Parson Collins: “Oh, indeed.”
Mr. Bennet: “Be mindful of your talent for the delicate compliment, sir.”
Parson Collins: “Oh, no, yep, why yes. She is almost as fair as the other one.” – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Chirrut (as a bag is placed over his head): “Are you kidding me? I’m blind!” – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Jyn: “It’s not a problem if you don’t look up.” – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
K-2SO: “Congratulations. You are being rescued.” – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
K-2SO: “There were a lot of explosions for two people blending in.” – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
K-2SO: “I find that answer vague and unconvincing.” – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Princess Irulan: “A beginning is a very delicate time.” -Dune
Paul: “Shield practice? Gurney, we had practice this morning. I’m not in the mood.”
Gurney: “Not in the mood? Moods are a thing for cattle and love play, not fighting.” -Dune
Duke Atreides: “I’ll miss the sea, but a person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” -Dune
Paul: “They tried and failed?”
Reverend Mother Mohiam: “They tried and died.” -Dune
Rick Flag: “This is the deal: You disobey me, you die. You try to escape, you die. You irritate or vex me, and guess what? You die.”
Harley Quinn: “I’m known for being quite vexing.” – Suicide Squad
Harley Quinn: “Harley Quinn, nice to meet ya! Love your perfume. What is that, the stench of death?” – Suicide Squad
Floyd Lawton: “Stay evil, doll face.” – Suicide Squad
Kirk: “Can you imagine what we’ll find?”
Bones: “Alien despots hellbent on killing us. Deadly space viruses, anomalies that could wipe us out in an instant.” –Star Trek Beyond
Spock: “Fear of death is illogical.”
Bones: “Fear of death is what keeps us alive.”-Star Trek Beyond
Bones: “Ominous. Dark. Dangerous.”-Star Trek Beyond
Spock: “The miserable have no other medicine but only hope.”
Bones: “On Death’s door, and he’s quoting Shakespeare.”-Star Trek Beyond
Kirk: “How the hell did this ship end up here?”
Scotty: “There’s a lot of theories, sir. Surrendered to the Romulans. Captured by a giant green space hand.”-Star Trek Beyond
Iron Man: “Who’s that? Who’s speaking?”
Ant-Man: “It’s your conscience. We don’t talk a lot these days.” – Captain America: Civil War
Iron Man: “Okay, anybody on our side hiding any shocking or fantastic abilities they’d like to disclose, I’m open to suggestion.” – Captain America: Civil War
Spider-Man (about Cap’s shield): “That thing doesn’t obey the laws of physics at all!” – Captain America: Civil War
Scarlet Witch: “What are you doing here?”
Hawkeye: “Disappointing my kids.” – Captain America: Civil War
Captain America: “This isn’t going to change what happened.”
Iron Man: “I don’t care. He killed my mom.” – Captain America: Civil War
Anatoli: “I’ll kill her! Believe me, I’ll do it!”
Batman: “I believe you.” – Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Perry White: “Crime Wave in Gotham. In other breaking news, Water, Wet!” – Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Alfred: “Even you’ve gotten too old to die young, though not for lack of trying.”- Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Bruce: “Maybe it’s the Gotham City in me. We just have a bad history with freaks dressed as clowns.”- Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Superman: “You might want to step back a bit. Maybe a little bit more.” – Man of Steel
Jor-El: “You’re talking about genocide.”
Zod: “Yes! And I’m arguing its merits with a ghost.” – Man of Steel
Dr. Emil Hamilton: “The ship appears to have inserted itself into a lunar synchronous orbit, though I have no idea why.”
General Swanwick: “Have you tried communicating with it?”
Dr. Emil Hamilton: “Well, they haven’t responded, as of yet.”
General Swanwick: “I’m just speculating, but I think whoever is at the helm of that thing is looking to make a dramatic entrance.” – Man of Steel
Masrani: “It’s killed people, Henry.”
Dr. Wu: “That’s unfortunate.” – Jurassic World
Masrani: “Who authorized you to do this?”
Dr. Wu: “You did. Bigger. Scarier? Um, cooler I believe is the word that you used in your memo. You cannot have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits!” – Jurassic World
Dr. Wu: “You are acting like we’re engaged in some kind of mad science, but we are doing what we have done from the beginning. Nothing in Jurassic World is natural! We have always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals, and if their genetic code was pure, many of them would look quite different, but you didn’t ask for reality; you asked for more teeth.”
Masrani: “I never asked for a monster!”
Dr. Wu: “Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We’re just used to being the cat.” – Jurassic World
(Lowery, totally misreading the situation, sweeps in for the kiss.)
Vivian: “Oh, no, I have a boyfriend.” – Jurassic World
Owen: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Claire: “. . . it means I’m ready to go.” – Jurassic World
Kid: “Why do I have to wear this?”
Kid’s Mother: “Because the Queen has come of age! It’s Coronation Day!”
Kid: “That’s not my fault.” – Frozen
Kristoff: “What made the Queen go all ice crazy?”
Anna: “Oh, well, it was all my fault. I got engaged, but then she freaked out because I’d only just met him, you know, that day. She said she wouldn’t bless the marriage and–”
Kristoff: “Wait, you got engaged to someone you just met that day?”
Anna: “Yeah. Anyway I got mad, and so she got mad and then she tried to walk away and I grabbed her glove–”
Kristoff: “Hang on, you mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day?”
Anna: “Yes, pay attention. But the thing is, she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, maybe she has a thing about dirt–”
Kristoff: “Didn’t your parents ever warn you about strangers?”
Anna: “. . . yes, they did.”
(Anna, eyeing Kristoff, slides away from him.) – Frozen
Prince Hans: “I’d like to formally apologize for hitting the Princess of Arendelle with my horse. And for every moment after.” – Frozen
(Olaf the Snowman has just been singing about what wonderful things will happen when summer hits.)
Kristoff: “I’m gonna tell him.” – Frozen
Fergus: “Pretend I’m Merida. Speak to me. What would you say?”
Elinor: “I can’t do this.”
Fergus: “Sure you can.”
(Elinor gives him a look.)
Fergus: “There, there! That’s my queen. Right, here we go.” (in dreadful falsetto) “I don’t want to get married! I want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glens, firing arrows into the sunset!” – Brave
Merida: “I’ll not let you kill my mother!” – Brave
Flynn: “You broke my smolder.” – Tangled
Rapunzel: “Is it ruffians? Thugs? Have they come for me?”
(A cute bunny rabbit emerges from the bushes.)
Flynn: “Stay calm. It can probably smell fear.” – Tangled
Flynn: “So, you’re being strangely cryptic as you wrap your magic hair around my injured hand.” – Tangled
Rapunzel: “We made it!”
Flynn: “Her hair glows.”
Rapunzel: “We’re alive! We’re alive!”
Flynn: “I didn’t see that coming.”
Flynn: “The hair actually glows.”
Flynn: “Why does her hair glow?”
Flynn: “What?” – Tangled
Rapunzel: “Please don’t freak out!”
Flynn (very, very fast): “I’m not freaking out. Are you freaking out? No, I’m just very interested in your hair and the magical qualities it possesses. How long has it been doing that, exactly? – Tangled
Tiana: “It’s not slime! It’s mucus!” – The Princess and the Frog
Naveen: “Okay, please! Put the monkey down!” – The Princess and the Frog
Charlotte: “I was starting to think that wishing on stars was just for babies and crazy people.” – The Princess and the Frog
Fa Li: “I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck.”
Grandmother Fa: “How lucky can they be? They’re dead.” – Mulan
Old Female Ancestor: “Your misguidance led Fa Deng to disaster!”
Fa Deng (holding his own severed head): “Yeah, thanks a lot.” – Mulan
Mushu: “Did I hear someone ask for a miracle? Let me hear you say ‘aaah’!”
Mulan (frightened): “AHHH!”
Mushu: “That’s close enough.” – Mulan
Mushu: “We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die! We’re definitely gonna die! No way we survive this! Death is coming!” – Mulan
John Smith: “I’ve gotten out of worse scraps than this. I can’t think of any right now, but.” – Pocahontas
Pohawtan: “Kocoum has asked for your hand in marriage.”
Pocahontas: “Marry Kocoum?”
Pohawtan: “I told him it would make my heart soar.”
Pocahontas: “But . . . he’s so serious.” – Pocahontas
John Smith: “Pocahontas, that tree is talking to me.” – Pocahontas
Guard: “He’s got a sword!”
Razoul: “You idiots! We’ve all got swords!” – Aladdin
Sultan: “Prince Ali Ababwa! Of course! I’m delighted to meet you. This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He’s delighted, too.”
Jafar: “Ecstatic.” – Aladdin
Jafar: “You’re speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.” – Aladdin
Genie: “Rule #3: I can’t bring people back from the dead. It’s not a pretty picture. I don’t like doing it!” – Aladdin
Gaston: “It’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking . . .” – Beauty and the Beast
Beast: “I want to do something for her, but what?”
Cogsworth: “Well, there’s the usual things: flowers, chocolates, promises you don’t intend to keep.” – Beauty and the Beast
Beast: “You come out, or I’ll–I’ll break down the door!”
Lumiere: “Master, I could be wrong, but that might not be the best way to win the girl’s affections.” – Beauty and the Beast
Beast (politely, but also like he wants to kill something): “It would give me great pleasure if you would join me for dinner.”
Cogsworth (muttering): “We say please.”
Beast (flatly): “Please.” – Beauty and the Beast
Gaston (singing): “I use antlers in all of my decorating!” – Beauty and the Beast
Ursula (singing): “It’s she who holds her tongue who gets a man!” – The Little Mermaid
McCoy: “The words aren’t important. What’s important is that you have a good time singing it.”
Spock: “Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. Were we having a good time?”
McCoy: “God, I liked him better before he died.” – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Kirk: “You mean he’s your ‘brother’ brother? You made that up!” – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Bones: “Jim, if you ask me, and you haven’t, I think this is a terrible idea.” – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
(Kirk has slipped off the mountain he was climbing and is only just saved by Spock.)
Spock: “Perhaps ‘because it is there’ is not sufficient reason for climbing a mountain.” – Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Evil Recruiter: “What if I told you we can cure you and give you abilities most men only dream of?”
Wade: “I’d say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like SlapChop, more Shake Weighty?” – Deadpool
Wade: “I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.” – Deadpool
Weasel: “Guy came in here looking for you. Real Grim Reaper type. I don’t know. Might further the plot.” – Deadpool
Deadpool: “Superhero landing! You know, that’s really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.” – Deadpool
Vanessa: “You live in a house?” – Deadpool
And FINALLY, that’s the last of my 2016 posts. Time to look forward to this year. God help us all.
One thought on “The 2016 Movie Superlatives (Only Two Weeks Late!)”
Damn, those are some great Deadpool credits. I still need to see that movie.
For serious, the only reason I can see to have Hoskins’ dumb militarization plan in Jurassic World at all was to give us a human villain to hate, akin to Newman in the first movie. Or, potentially, to try and distract us from how this is all our heroes’ (plus the “cool” CEO’s) fault.