Coming Soon-Ish: The Snowman (AKA, The Only Movie You Ever Need to See)

First, some backstory.

Last night, my friend, my sister, and I all went to the movies. We were there to see Atomic Blonde, which I’ll probably review next week; however, the true highlight of the night ended up being this trailer for The Snowman, a movie I’d never heard of before and now will never forget.

So, we begin with a woman walking by herself when, suddenly, a snowball hits her. She looks around, confused. Abruptly, we cut away to scary music and Michael Fassbender very seriously narrating about a murdered woman. Now, maybe I was already feeling a bit snarky because my friend and I both basically had the same reaction to that particular cut: what, was she killed with a snowball? Are we calling him the Snowball Killer or what? But I’m a sucker for murder mysteries and serial killer thrillers and Michael Fassbender’s manly jawline–well, I used to be, anyway but he’s so rarely in anything I’m interested in these days–so I shake off the silly start and prepare to give the trailer a fair shake . . .

And then Michael Fassbender, still in Serious Narration Mode, says, “He calls himself the Snowman Killer,” and oh my God, I totally lost it.

People. I was crying, I laughed so hard, and every time I tried to get my giggles under control, they’d have another ominous shot of a fucking snowman. (I’m not joking. There are at least three such Ominous Shots.) The worst, by far, is when the trailer cuts away from Intense Michael Fassbender saying, “He’s been watching us the whole time” to a snowman, situated just outside some window, seemingly stalking his prey. Mind you, I’m reasonably sure that this movie is a) not a comedy, and b) not centered around an actual snowman killer, but whoever cut this trailer did it so bizarrely that I’m actually not 100% certain. Which is a weird thing to say about a thriller starring people like Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, J.K. Simmons, James D’arcy, Jamie Clayton, Toby Jones, Chloe Sevigny, and–according to IMDb–Val Kilmer. (Is it wrong to just automatically assume Kilmer’s the bad guy? Or maybe he’s the weird dude living in a cabin in the middle of the wilderness who Knows Something Important and later gets killed for it?) My point is, these are primarily well-respected actors, like, Oscar-respected. What the hell are they doing in Frosty’s Revenge?

It should also be noted that, when not focusing on ominous snowmen (new band name), this trailer works hard to look as generic as possible, like, here we’ve got The Lead Female sexily undressing as bait, and oh look, our masculine hero is out in the middle of nowhere, angrily yelling at a villain who, presumably, isn’t actually there. (I also inappropriately giggled through the bit where Michael Fassbender screams in anguish as he tries to break into a burning building. It’s just so overwrought.) I’ll admit, however, that most of this went unnoticed the first time I watched this trailer, since I was too busy wiping the tears from my eyes and, you know, trying to breathe.

Finally? Our masculine hero’s name, apparently, is Harry Hole. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to take that seriously? (To be fair, perhaps “Hole” is pronounced differently, as I see this is set in Norway, or at least the book it’s based on is. Still. I’m saying the name “Harry Hole” is not helping me subdue any of my juvenile giggles.)

6 thoughts on “Coming Soon-Ish: The Snowman (AKA, The Only Movie You Ever Need to See)

  1. Also, the book this movie is based on starts with a boy finding out his mother’s boyfriend does not have a belly button. It is almost like the author is trying to make the silliest things he could think of sinister (he succeeds). I actually stopped reading his books because I found them too disturbing, so I naturally had a slightly different reaction to this trailer. I can see how it might come across as ridiculous, though.

    • That would be an interesting challenge, making seemingly innocent or silly stuff seem SUPER creepy–and doing it convincingly, because that could easily slide into either camp or parody very quickly.

  2. I am deeply disappointed that this trailer didn’t have a slow, creepy cover of “Frosty The Snowman,” playing over it.

    I googled the book, and (SPOILERS) apparently the villains’ Freudian excuse is having discovered his mother having an affair when he was a teenager? Which is not doing a ton to assure me of the film’s quality.

    • TBH, I’m almost a little surprised it didn’t have a slow, creepy cover of “Frosty the Snowman.” Slow, creepy covers are all the rage these days, although to be fair, it’s lately been more classic rock and 80’s pop songs than children’s songs. (Like, kids songs were SO 2015.) To be on trend but slightly less on-the-nose (which is obviously less fun), I’d say maybe a super creepy version of “Hazy Shade of Winter.”

      (I do actually like the music from the trailer itself. Which isn’t too surprising, as I see it’s Massive Attack.)

      Yeah, that particular trope is . . . not my favorite. One of these days, I kind of want someone to cut off the villain in the middle of his big mommy issues expository monologue and be just like, “Dude, stop creepily obsessing about your mom’s sex life and just like, stop killing people. It’s not that hard.”

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