The Results To The Best Survey Ever Known To Mankind!

Well, I (finally) have results for you. Oh, and there are alluded to spoilers for The Bourne Supremacy. Just so you know.

1. Your life is imminent danger. Which fictional character do you hire as a bodyguard?

Jason Bourne narrowly wins the role of Bodyguard with 32.14% of the vote. Franka Potente and I think y’all are crazy for picking the action hero who actually lets the bad guys kill the girl, but we are outruled. John McClane came in a close second and right behind him was James Bond. For my money, I’d pick John McClane. He never let a sidekick or love interest bite it in a sequel.

Total Loser Award goes to Snake Plissken. Snake’s pretty awesome, but I guess I can’t fault for you that one. I don’t know if I’d trust him as a bodyguard, either.

2. Well, either way, Jason Bourne abandons you, and you end up in that basement with only one weapon to defend yourself. The weapon you pick?

The knife. (I could have taken a picture of a knife, but I decided that you probably didn’t need the visual aid. Really? You do? All right then.)

That is a knife.

Of course, there’s always one crazy bastard who picks the dynamite. (Actually, there were three of you. Good for you, bold people who trust themselves with explosives.) A good chunk of voters preferred a gun with only one bullet, but 50% of you apparently don’t trust your aim and would take the knife that has the potential to be used more than once. And considering I’ve never shot a gun in my life, I’m with you on that one.

3. When a superhero saves you from the basement, you decide to become a sidekick. Which superhero would you most like to sidekick for?

I’m not sure if I would want to sidekick for Iron Man — I think I’d need to punch Tony Stark in the face every now and then — but he does have the best toys, and you can be sure he’d throw a killer party. Batman came in second place with 23% of the vote (and I probably would have picked him, although it’s hard to be objective about that, and Robyn does have a very good point about his sidekicks, considering Red Hood and Oracle and all). Thor came in a very close third place.

Nobody wants to be The Hulk’s sidekick for probably fairly obvious reasons. No one wants to be Superman’s sidekick, either, and I can only assume that’s because he’s so immensely boring.

4. Eventually, you get your own superpower. If you could choose, you would pick . . .

No, not to be that kid. To be telekinetic, like that kid is. (And if you haven’t seen it, I’d still highly recommend Chronicle. It’s a pretty awesome movie.)

There are a lot of other abilities that sound pretty nifty — shapeshifting took silver and invisibility and rapid healing tied for a distant third — but the convenience of telekinesis . . . think about how quickly you could tidy your place before visitors come over. Think about the seven seconds you could save making a beer (or a soda) float over to you while you sat on the couch watching movies. As a lazy bastard, telekinesis is totally my ability of choice.

The only thing no one wants to be, apparently, is telepathic. I expect that depends on exactly how telepathic you are. There are certain things you don’t want to know about people. Sometimes, though . . . sometimes, it’d be a good thing to have on your side.

5. Finally, if you had to pick one artist or group to listen to for your action movie soundtrack . . .

This was a fairly tight race, probably because a few of you expressed some dissatisfaction with the available choices. Ha ha. System of a Down narrowly won with Beastie Boys and AC/DC tying for second and The Beatles, Radiohead, and Johnny Cash tying for third. The only group that didn’t get picked at all was LMFAO, and that made me a tiny bit sad. I mean, I wouldn’t have picked them either, but I can’t lie: I like some of their songs, and the idea of having a fight scene to “Shots” makes me smile too, Mek.

That’s it for now. Thanks, everyone, for playing.

Everyone Loves a Mash-Up . . .

So, it’s going to be a quiet week on My Geek Blasphemy. I’m going to LA to visit a friend, and I have no intention of writing much while there. However, I do have a new poll for you. This one’s about . . . crossovers!

You really don’t see a lot of movie crossovers or mashups. The Avengers, I guess, but that’s about it. The crossover has always been more of a TV phenomenon. Well, no longer!

Which of these movie crossovers or mashups would you be most interested in seeing?

1. Inception and Silence of the Lambs

How I See It: There’s a serial killer on the loose, another sort of acquaintance of Hannibal Lecter’s. Hannibal is back in prison (I’m just ignoring the movie Hannibal for the purposes of this proposal) and Clarice Starling is . . . pretty much anywhere else. Hannibal won’t play with anyone but Clarice, so the FBI calls in the Inception crew to break into Hannibal’s dreams and extract what he knows. Only the knowledge is buried deep, and Hannibal’s mind is a lot creepier and more dangerous than Cillian Murphy’s.

2. Charlie’s Angels and The A-Team

How I See It: Terrorists concoct some giant, complicated, evil plot to destroy America and, quite possibly, the world. The danger is so great that both Charlie’s Angels AND The A-Team are called in to save the day through the most ridiculous action stunts known to man.

3. Can’t Hardly Wait and Battle Royale

How I See It: In the Battle Royale program, the Japanese select one class of middle schoolers per year and put them on an island with various weapons (anything from a shotgun to a pot lid) in a fight to the death. The game ends when there is one sole survivor. America has enthusiastically adapted this program into their own society, only they have older participants in mind, specifically teenagers coming into adulthood. They select the graduating class of Can’t Hardly Wait to battle it out.

4. Star Trek and Predators

How I See It: The Enterprise crew—well, let’s say the Senior Staff (you know, the people you actually care about) plus maybe ONE red shirt—is abducted from the ship and dropped onto the Predator planet. The crew has to find a way to escape before they are hunted down and killed. Not all of them make it out alive.

5. Peter Pan and Let the Right One In

How I See It: Wendy is old now. Actually, she’s long dead. So Peter comes to find more companions, and who does he bring back with him but Eli and Oskar from Let the Right One In. Suddenly, the Lost Boys are a lot more bloodthirsty, and Neverland becomes a much different place.

Of course, if you have your own idea for how a crossover between nominees would go (perhaps you would like to see the Inception team break into Clarice’s head in order to find Hannibal Lecter, for example), you’re welcome to ignore how I see it and still vote for an Inception and Silence of the Lambs mashup. I just had fun coming up with scenarios. They aren’t, like, mandatory.

With that in mind . . .

Poll is up for one week. Results will be posted March 19th.

Academy, You Are Loco . . .

There will be no new poll today. I’m cranky for various different reasons, and I don’t have a good question handy, so I’m not going to bother with it. However, I do have poll results from last week. The Worst Best Picture Travesty?

Saving Private Ryan loses to Shakespeare in Love.

I have to say I agree with this one whole heartedly. Saving Private Ryan is not my favorite movie on this list, but it’s certainly an excellent film, and the fact that it lost to Shakespeare in Love . . . SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE . . . is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. This makes no sense to me at all.

In a very close second place: Fargo loses to The English Patient. I can’t say I have much opinion about this one way or the other. I’ve never seen The English Patient, and I didn’t much care for Fargo on the first viewing—although I may try it again at some point and see if I warm up to it.

And in a very close third place: The Shawshank Redemption loses to Forrest Gump.

I think Forrest Gump is an okay movie—I definitely think Gary Sinise is the best part of that film—but I don’t think it deserved to win over The Shawshank Redemption or, for that matter, Pulp Fiction. (It’s not on the list because I only wanted to pick one travesty per year.) But even though I like The Shawshank Redemption more than, say, Saving Private Ryan, the fact that it lost to Forrest Gump doesn’t wound my SOUL the way that Shakespeare in Love‘s victory does.

Travesties (or supposed travesties) that were not voted upon at all:

Avatar loses to Chicago.
Traffic loses to Gladiator.
The Pianist loses to Chicago.
The Social Network loses to The King’s Speech. 

I don’t have opinions on most of these, either because I haven’t seen all the films in question or because I just don’t really care much about either movie. I can say, however, that even without having seen The Hurt Locker, I’m extremely glad Avatar didn’t win. It’s not a terrible movie, but people, please. The only thing that’s special about it is the visual effects. That’s not enough to make it a Best Picture winner.

Although at least it managed to get more nominations than this movie:

Seriously. Shouldn’t a Best Pic nominee have something else going for it besides Max Von Sydow?

Wait . . . WHO Did You Say Won?

Well, the Oscars are over. I’ll have a few notes on the ceremony later tonight (or possibly tomorrow) but for now, here’s a new Academy Award related poll for you.

Clearly, I’m focusing on movies from the last twenty years or so. Please vote on the actual nominees in the poll, but feel free to mention other Big Picture travesties in the comments section. I’m sure there are some of you who are still nursing Citizen Kane’s defeat from over sixty years ago.

This poll will self-destruct on March 5th. Results will be posted later that day.

Well. That Was Interesting.

Okay, you guys. You came that close, that close, to voting the same movie for Best and Worst Shyamalan film.

Best Shyamalan movie?

The Sixth Sense actually tied with Unbreakable for first place and, unfortunately, I haven’t seen either movie in a long time. But I loved The Sixth Sense when it came out. I liked the atmosphere. It was something different for Bruce Willis. The twist, at the time, took me by surprise. I haven’t watched it in a long time because I got burnt out on it a few years ago, but I really do like it a lot. On the other hand, I’ve only seen Unbreakable a couple of times, and while I liked it much better on the second viewing . . . I just don’t know it well enough to compare.

Interestingly enough, Signs and The Last Airbender tied for a very distant third place with two votes each. Signs is my own personal favorite Shyamalan film. Someday I’ll play the apologist and write up a whole review, but for now I’ll just say, “Move away, children! Vamanos!”

The Village, The Lady in the Water, and The Happening all tied for Total Loser Award with one vote each. I was sort of impressed that every film got a vote—though I believe The Happening was only picked because it was so hilarious to mock. (And clearly I can’t argue that logic, or Bloody Hearts wouldn’t even exist.)

Your least favorite film, on the other hand . . .

The Last Airbender won with ten votes or 35.71% of the vote. The Sixth Sense, on the other hand, the one that tied for first place? Yeah, that took second place with nine votes for Worst Shyamalan film.

Either this is an incredibly divisive movie, or someone out there is just fucking with me.

Third place goes to The Happening, although it didn’t receive nearly as many votes as I would have expected, only three, putting it in a very distant third place. Each movie got nominated at least once for Total Suckiness. The movies you appear to hate the least are Unbreakable and The Village.

It’s interesting. There seems to be a general consensus in the movie community that Shyamalan shouldn’t get to make any more movies. Seriously, the booing I heard for the Devil trailer (which he only produced) was just ridiculous. But there is apparently no consensus on which of his movies are awesome and which are awful. Even The Last Airbender, which won as the worst film, managed third place for best.

Art is in the eye of the beholder, I guess.

Geek Battle of Blood—FINAL RESULTS!

Well, this is it. The final round, the Superbowl of fantasy fighting. A lot of worthy opponents have gone down in the last few weeks: Buffy, Ripley, Cyclops, Iron Man, the Killer Rabbit, etc. Only two remain standing.

Here is your last battle scenario:


Batman and Hellboy are magically transported to Outworld where the two superheroes can fight on neutral ground for . . . some reason. (Ever played Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe before? Perhaps they’re both infected with glowy-eyed rage or something and don’t entirely know what they’re doing. Who cares, right? Pow! Smash!) Anyway, for those of you who don’t play Mortal Kombat, here is Outworld:

Hellboy attacks immediately, shooting his ridiculously large gun at Batman. Batman runs, jumps, and dodges these bullets, grappling upwards to one of the creepy ass statues and out of sight. Hellboy stalks around, trying to find him and occasionally shooting at the shadows above. In a signature move, Batman flies down from one of the statues and lands both heels squarely in Hellboy’s chest.

Hellboy staggers back a bit, not significantly hurt, but he does drop his gun to the ground. Batman kicks it away. The Dark Knight then attacks with a flurry and fists and feet. Being both highly skilled in martial arts and ninja-quick, he lands many blows, hurting Hellboy a bit. . . but mostly just pissing him off too. Hellboy lands less of his punches, but the ones that connect hit hard. His Right Hand of Doom comes down a few times, and while Batman’s body armor absorbs some of the blow, he’s definitely the more wounded of the two.

Changing tactics, Batman pulls a Bat Smoke Grenade out of his utility belt and throws it. The smoke rises quickly, and Hellboy turns around repeatedly, trying to find his opponent. As Hellboy starts feeling around, Batman throws his Bat Lasso around the demon and uses it to electrocute him, a little. Hellboy collapses to the ground. Batman goes to investigate—

—but Hellboy’s only playing dead. As soon as Batman gets close, Hellboy sweeps his arm around and slams his Right Hand of Doom into Batman’s left knee, audibly crunching it. Batman falls to the ground, releasing the Bat Lasso. Hellboy gets up and sees his gun lying only a couple of feet away. He punches Batman in the face once for good measure and picks up his gun.

Batman tries to get up, but he can’t even stand, much less try to jump away. He digs hastily at his utility belt just as Hellboy starts to turn around. And when Hellboy starts to aim his weapon, Batman pulls out his grapple gun and fires.

The grapple itself strikes Hellboy in the forehead, impaling him just underneath his horns.

Your Champion and Ultimate Winner:

Batman (50%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: Hellboy and Batman tied at twenty votes each, leaving me to be the tie-breaker . . . and I am certainly not objective. During most of the battles, I tried to ignore which character I liked best and focus on which character would actually win . . . but we’ve all got our blind spots . . . and, well. I have every live-action Batman movie, a handful of animated Batman movies, the first season of Batman: The Animated Series, Batman video games, Batman tennis shoes, a few Batman graphic novels, Batman Christmas ornaments, Batman Band-Aids, and Batman pajama pants that I’m actually wearing right now. So, yeah. Objectivity wasn’t on the menu today. Besides, while I know he’s just human and doesn’t have Hellboy’s natural strengths or immunities, I have a lot of faith in that utility belt of his. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he had Demon Repellant Bat Spray. You know. As one does.

Thanks everyone for playing! We’re going to take a week off of surveys to recuperate a bit, but next Monday I’ll have something new for you to vote on.

Geek Battle of Blood . . . FINAL BATTLE!

Okay, it’s finally here. The apocalyptic battle, the Superbowl of Geekdom. Thirty other contenders have been knocked out of the running, leaving only two left standing. . .



Can practically fly.
Multi-billionaire with access to all kind of ridiculously awesome bat-gadgets.
Serious body armor.
Martial arts master.
Master of stealth.



Demon. Large and very strong.
Awesome right hand of doom.
Can heal from many would-be-fatal injuries.
Immunity to fire.
Big damn gun.

Not as fast or as stealthy as the Bat.

You have one week to vote. Your champion will be announced February 6th.

Geek Battle of Blood, Round 4 . . . WINNERS!

All right, folks. We’re almost there!


The Bride is hired for a tricky job: kill the Joker . . . while he’s locked up in Arkham Asylum. Batman hears about the hit and—despite the fact that his life would be infinitely improved if he would just let the Joker die for once—he rushes down to Arkham to save his archnemesis.

Batman attacks from the shadows, but the Bride hears him coming because she’s not just an assassin—she’s the assassin. They fight hand to hand, each trying to convince the other that they don’t have to do this, but when it becomes clear neither will back down, the Bride pulls out her Hattori Hanso sword. Suddenly, Batman is on the defensive. He grapples to a nearby rafter, out of range from her blade, and throws a batarang at her hand. The sword goes skittering across the floor.

Batman flys back down, kicking the Bride in the chest with both feet. She stumbles back and casts around for a weapon but finds none . . . until a security guard accidentally walks in on their battle. The Bride quickly knocks him out before and takes his gun. She turns to shoot Batman. Batman throws another batarang. This one hits The Bride in the forehead.

And sticks there.


Batman (53.33%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: This one was pretty close. Batman started the week by slaughtering The Bride, but she made a huge comeback and only lost by three votes.


Hellboy is knocked unconscious in a fight with some bad guys. When he awakes, he doesn’t know where he is. It seems to be the middle of freaking nowhere. The only thing he sees besides trees is a cave in the distance. He makes towards the cave . . . when he notices all the bones surrounding it. Hellboy draws his gun, thinking maybe he should just go back the other way—

—when the Killer Rabbit flies out of nowhere, mouth open wide. Hellboy barely manages to get his arm up in time, shooting the Killer Rabbit in the head just before it bites down. The Killer Rabbit falls to the ground. Then Hellboy steps on it, just to make sure.

At least he has something to eat for dinner now.


Hellboy (50%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I haven’t had to break a tie since these fights started, but Hellboy and the Killer Rabbit were neck to neck the whole way through. And as much as I enjoy the idea of the Killer Rabbit fighting Batman in Gotham city, I don’t really think he deserves to be in the final round, not when I know he’s getting votes just for being funny. Besides, I really do think Hellboy would win this one. The Killer Rabbit is the scariest rabbit in the whole world . . . but you know, he IS just a rabbit.

Voting for the final match will begin tomorrow.

Geek Battle of Blood—-ROUND FOUR!!!

The AFC and NFC Championships of Fantasy Fighting are here.



Multi-billionaire with access to all kinds of awesome bat-gadgets
Can practically fly
Serious body armor. Cape included.
Martial arts master. Super stealth.

Far more reluctant to kill than, say, an assassin.

The Bride:

Martial arts master. Trained by Pai Mei.
Good with all kinds of weapons. Prefers samurai sword.
Hard to kill. (Survived Crazy 88, being buried alive, bullet to the brain, etc.)
Knows Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Doesn’t bother with body armor.



Demon. Large and uber strong.
Right hand of doom.
Hard to kill. Can heal from many would be fatal injuries.
Big gun with special bullets against all kinds of supernatural creatures. Rabbits probably included.

Not as fast as Killer Rabbit.

Killer Rabbit:

Leaps so fast it practically flies.
Small. Hard target to hit.
Nasty, big, pointy teeth.

Really no defense other than its speed. One hit by right hand of doom? Game over, man.

That’s it for this week. Results will be up next Monday, January 30th!

Geek Battle of Blood, Round 3 . . . WINNERS!

Well, no close fights this week. These were all pretty much first round KO’s.


After killing Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat, Iron Man is . . . excused from further participation. (Nobody wanted to go up against his missiles.) Back at home, he decides to hold a giant party to celebrate, only things get out of hand quickly, and Hellboy is called in to calm things down. Hellboy figures this is a massive waste of his time and skills, but since Iron Man is drunk and blowing up shit, Hellboy goes to stop him.

Hellboy’s gun has no effect on Iron Man’s armor. They fight hand to hand for awhile, neither really getting the upper hand. When Iron Man gets bored of fighting, he tries to shoot a missile at Hellboy, figuring this strategy has worked exceptionally well for him the last few weeks. But Hellboy just barely jumps out of the way in time, and the missile hits a building behind them instead. Hellboy, who—like most people—does not like missiles to be shot at him, brings his right hand of doom down squarely on Iron Man’s chest. Iron Man goes down. Hellboy brings his hand down again, and Iron Man’s suit crunches, the arc reactor shattering. Such is the end of Iron Man.


Hellboy (66.67%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I really thought this one was going to be a lot closer, but Hellboy owned this fight from beginning to end. To this person who guessed Iron Man vs Killer Rabbit finale . . . sorry. Not this year, apparently.


After a battle with Selene in space, Ripley decides that a life on a starship is just more hazardous than it’s worth. Unfortunately, her ship’s navigation is on the rocks, and she lands seemingly in the middle of nowhere. It’s also the middle of the night and freezing, so Ripley looks for some form of shelter. She spots a cave and heads toward it. And then the Killer Rabbit emerges.

Ripley’s awesome, so she manages to get at least a few shots off with her giant gun. Unfortunately for her, the Killer Rabbit flies like the wind and dodges them all, landing squarely on her neck and biting down. Hard.


Killer Rabbit (61.9%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: The funny thing is, I just assumed that the Killer Rabbit wouldn’t make it all that far in this tournament . . . heh. Silly rabbit. Ripley can take out an alien queen, but apparently a little bunny is just too much for her. Sorry, Ripley.


After a tasty meal of mutant, Blade leaves the Mansion and comes to Gotham City, looking for dessert. He runs into Catwoman who, until just a few moments ago, was very busy stealing a few diamond necklaces. Blade is on her before she can react, and he’s about to sink his teeth in . . . when Batman swoops into the picture, launching forward, and kicking Blade in the chest with both feet.

Blade stumbles back. Batman and Blade fight, and Batman is disturbed to find that many of his gadgets have little effect on the former vampire hunter. Blade has his own weapons, though, and attacks Batman with his sword, hoping to pin him in one place in order to feast upon him better. Batman kicks the sword out of Blade’s hand and slides for it before Blade can recover it. Blade moves faster than the eye can see and tries to sneak attack Batman from behind, but since Batman is basically a ninja in a cape, he anticipates this and decapitates Blade.

(Catwoman thanks Batman for saving her life by stealing the Batmobile for a joyride.)


Batman (62.5%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: I was a little concerned for Batman going in to this week. Blade had proven to be surprisingly resilient in these fights—I was sure he’d be out in the first round against Buffy—but apparently I needn’t have worried. Batman led this battle the whole week.


There’s not as much money in vigilantism as you’d expect—at least, if you’re not already a billionaire from birth—so the Bride takes on a few hit job to pay the bills. Manticore’s first assassin, Bullseye, failed to kill Max, so they hired the Bride to finish the job. She tries to sneak into Terminal City, but Max catches her on a patrol of the borders, and they fight then and there.

The Bride attacks with her Hanso sword. Max, unarmed, is forced on the defensive and dodges with her super speed and reflexes. At one point, she catches the Bride’s arm and twists the sword out of her grip. They fight hand to hand for a while, Max’s natural strength versus the Bride’s kung fu training, but when Max goes for the Hanso sword that the Bride has dropped, the Bride goes for her gun concealed in her boot. Max doesn’t have time to dodge before the Bride shoots her in the heart.


The Bride (78.38%)

The Blasphemous Wench Speaks: The biggest knock-out of the week. The Bride killed Max in this poll. Frankly, I’m just happy Max made it this far at all. I still kind of miss Dark Angel. Second season had some problems, but it ended on a really strong note, and I think it deserved a third season.

That’s it for this week. New match-ups—only two this time—will be posted tomorrow.