The 2016 Movie Superlatives (Only Two Weeks Late!)

Let me be honest with you guys: 2016 was not my best year for movies.

On the upside, I finished my Disney Princess Movie Challenge! On the downside, well . . . 2016 was probably a record low for how many movies I watched and reviewed, and unfortunately, I didn’t exactly love a lot of the movies I did watch. I’ve also decided not to do a film challenge this year because I need a little more stress-free time dedicated to non-blog writing. (Although there were still be reviews, promise! In fact, I have two to work on after I finish this epically long bastard. I may try to make some of them a little shorter, though. It would save me some much needed time–although, clearly, brevity isn’t my strong suit.)

With all that being said, let’s get right to it, shall we? It is time for THE 2016 MOVIE SUPERLATIVES.

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“It Is Not Nice To Throw People!”

This is it! THIS IS IT! The last Disney Princess Movie! HA HA HA, no one can force me to watch a terrible punishment movie now because I am a WINNER!!!!!!

Ahem.

Unlike virtually everyone else on the planet, I’ve never actually seen Frozen before. Much to my amusement, I’ve heard wildly different reviews of the Disney juggernaut: the majority of my local friends found it hugely overrated, whereas a few of my less-local friends were ardent advocates of the film; one even made up this whole Frozen/Thor fusion musical called Thor: The Frozen World.

Going into this film, I figured I’d probably fall somewhere between these two extremes, and wouldn’t you know it?

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Boom! Smack in the middle. I definitely enjoyed Frozen more than my local friends, but I probably won’t be feverishly brainstorming epic crossover musicals about it, either.

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“I’ll Not Let You Kill My Mother!”

At some point, I’m gonna have time to go see Rogue One and write a review about it, but the way this month is going, probably not until 2017, long after everyone else has finished discussing it and moved on to bigger and better things. In the meantime, I must continue on with my Disney Princess Movie Challenge.

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There’s an awful lot I like about Brave. But there’s some stuff that frustrates me, too.

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“It’s Not Slime. It’s Mucus!”

It’s time to head back to the Disney Princess Movie Challenge. This time we’re discussing The Princess and The Frog, which is kind-of-sort-of based on “The Frog Prince,” but not the hilarious version where the ungrateful princess tries to murder the frog and somehow ends up getting married to him instead, like, gee, how romantic. Instead, things go a little differently.

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My advice to all young women is to be like Tiana: when confronted with a talking frog, go with your first instincts: retreat, then attack viciously with stuffed animals.

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“Pocahontas, That Tree Is Talking To Me.”

ETA: Trying to get back to business as usual, at least for the moment, though fair warning: there may be more political talk in the future. There may also not be; I don’t have any specific plans right now. But just so you know, the majority of this review, save some minor edits, was written before nearly half of America decided to vote for an unrepentant and unqualified bigot, so. Nothing here past this paragraph is election and/or protest related.

Okay. For a variety of reasons, my Disney Princess Movie Challenge had to be put on hold for several months, which leaves me with just under two months now to watch six movies and review them. This does not sound difficult until you understand that I am not a fast writer, and anytime I spend here writing for fun is, very unfortunately, time I’m not spending writing for money, and look people, I like money. I’m not even going to lie about that. Even if my rent hadn’t just doubled, which is sort of a consideration, I also like it when I have the opportunity to spend cash for things; I have, like, zero qualms about my materialism.

Regardless, I really would like to finish this particular challenge after failing so abysmally last year on Best Picture Winners, so I’m going to give it a shot. When we last left off, Mekaela and I had just watched Aladdin for the first time in about 20 years. Now?

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Now I watch Pocahontas for the very first time. God help me.

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“Master, I Could Be Wrong, But That Might Not Be The Best Way to Win The Girl’s Affections.”

Continuing with Disney . . . let us now move on to my childhood favorite: Beauty and the Beast.

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Objectivity may or may not not be found in this review. I have all kinds of nostalgia for this one, so expect a grade that fits said nostalgia accordingly. Still, we definitely have a sketch romance to talk about here. Not to mention: there are a surprising number of shitty people in Beauty and the Beast. Pretty much anyone who isn’t Belle or a magically animated object is kind of a dick.

Let’s discuss them, shall we?

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