Emmy 2016 Recap: Fashion And . . . Well, Mostly Just Fashion

So, the truth of it is this: I didn’t watch the Emmys, or at least, not in full. I had planned to, but, well, life. You know how it goes. So I missed out on seeing Tatiana Maslany win a much deserved Emmy, something I obviously deeply regret. (Because seriously. It’s about GODDAMN TIME she won.)

Thus I’m afraid to say that I have no real award show recap for you this year. I did catch the Matt Damon/Jimmy Kimmel bit, which made me laugh, and I was overjoyed to see Last Week Tonight With John Oliver win because that show is so ridiculously good. Oh, and Key & Peele won? YES. I miss you forever, Key & Peele! I’m also happy to see Rami Malek win for Best Actor, not because I watch Mr. Robot (sorry, guys, I still can’t make myself do it), but because apparently he’s the first non-white actor to win the category in 18 years, which is the kind of depressing stat  that I should stop being shocked by, and yet . . . nope, it’s like I don’t learn.

Which leaves us with the bit of the award show that I absolutely did watch: The Red Carpet.


Kerry Washington
You never know how maternity dresses are going to go, but I thought Kerry Washington looked stunning. Her hair is gorgeous, and I love the slender cut-outs. This is the maternity dress all other maternity dresses should aspire to be.


Viola Davis
The hot pink is a bold choice and looks great on her skin. On me, Christ no–I would hate this dress on me. But she makes it work, and I love the lip color, too. Plus, her husband wore a matching pink bow tie, so now I am officially in love with them as a couple forever.

Kristen Bell
Love it. It’s big and romantic and different than everything else on the carpet. Unlike Viola Davis’s gown, I would wear the hell out of this dress.

Sarah Hyland
Also totally different than anything else on the carpet. Personally, I think it’s adorable. I would have a lot of fun wearing this too. (Can’t decide if you should wear a dress or pants? Wear both! Everybody wins!)

Tracee Ellis Ross
Classic, lovely, and elegant. Me like.

Yara Shahidi
I’m unfamiliar with the actress, but there’s something about this dress that I just find rather charming. It’s different without being showy, and she looks great in it.

Trevor Jackson
I’m afraid I don’t know this actor, either, but I definitely approve of his suit–which is SUPER impressive, actually, because velvet suits usually do nothing for me. This looks damn swanky, though.

Natasha Lyonne
This is old school glamour, and I love it. I’m all about anyone who can rock a white cape like that.

Angela Bassett
I feel like I shouldn’t like this one as much as I do–this is a very hard color to pull off–but I think Angela Bassett can actually pull it. I mean, she is owning this dress, right? Besides, you’ve got to like dramatic sleeves.

Lili Taylor
Rocking the pants suit. YES.


Laura Carmichael
Damn it, there are just some colors that don’t go together, and I think banana yellow and soft lavender qualify. Not to mention the structure of that shirt is just peculiar, and . . . is that a daisy? No, I can’t even pretend to understand this look.

Amanda Peet
Er. Maybe it’s supposed to be bumblebee glamour?

Mandy Moore
I like the color, but I have never, ever understood tiered ruffles, and I don’t really like how the dress suddenly becomes sheer, either.

Amy Poehler
I’m a big believer in dressing whatever the hell age you want, but . . . boy, this is an old lady dress. I almost feel like maybe the top part could work on its own but paired with the bottom . . . it’s just way too many green sequins for my taste.

Sarah Paulson
I’m aware that I’m just further demonstrating my complete lack of taste, but this is one of those fashion-forward dresses that I just don’t like at all. Maybe if I could cut off the whole skirt and make it into a super sexy evening jacket? As is, I’m thinking my theme of the night might be “sorry, too much green shit.”

Stacy London
Look, even I don’t like these polka dots, and I love polka dots. This is just bad. And yet, miraculously, it’s still not my least favorite dress on the carpet. Because seriously–

Anna Chlumsky
I can’t even.


Tom Hiddleston, Liev Schreiber, Paul Sparks, Thomas Middleditch, Kit Harrington, Tony Hale, Courtney B. Vance, and all the other guys out there in their perfectly nice tuxes who don’t have to worry about being fashion-forward or wearing the same suit as anyone else or repeating a previous year’s look or really anything at all, fashion wise. You’re lazy, the lot of you. Shame! SHAME!

All right, that’s it for today. I’ll try to actually watch the ceremony next year, if only so I have something to talk about other than my own personal sense of fashion.

Your Much Belated and Totally Apathetic Golden Globes Commentary

I’m gonna be real with you guys: I almost didn’t watch the Golden Globes this year. Not out of protest or anything. I just found that I really didn’t give a damn. But there wasn’t much on Sunday night anyway (because everything I love is apparently on Tuesdays, damn it), so we ended up checking it out after all, fast-forwarding liberally through commercials, acceptance speeches, and any and all gags that involved people wearing bear heads. Because seriously.

Here is the rest of your arbitrary commentary:

1. Ricky Gervais? Meh. I don’t mind him in stuff, but his hosting gigs usually leave me a little cold. Some jokes made me laugh, like the bit about how no one cares about that award as much as the winner, or the joke about how the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press (rather than an In Memoriam section) is here to depress the audience. But then of course there were the depressingly predictable trans jokes, so, yeah. I’m still pushing for Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele next year.

2. On the plus side, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera were the best presenters of the night, so maybe they can host next year. (Second place in Favorite Presenter would probably go to Jim Carrey and his giant grizzly man beard. Ooh, or actually maybe Jaime Alexander for “Who’s typing this shit?”)

3. Meanwhile, Taraji P. Henson wins for Best Acceptance speech. And for working the Red Carpet the hardest. My God. Nobody brings the sass like Taraji.

4. Holy shit, it was surreal enough just seeing Christian Slater at an awards ceremony, and then he won. Like, I had huge crush on him in high school after discovering Heathers for the first time, but his career has seemed to be spiraling downward for, what? Fifteen, twenty years? I wish I could say I watched Mr. Robot, but I don’t, even though I’ve yet to see a bad review of it AND it’s been personally recommended to me twice. People are like, “It’s so amazing! It’s got an unreliable narrator! It’s hard to know what’s even real!” And I’m like, “Yeah, so, that’s almost the opposite of everything I’m looking for in a story.”

5. Matt Damon won. On one hand, The Martian is kind of a weird choice for Best Comedy. (Although, to be fair, it is pretty funny . . . you know, when it isn’t making you weep.) On the other hand, I actually watched and liked The Martian, so, you know. ACTUAL INVESTMENT.

6. I wasn’t at all paying attention to Mel Gibson and Ricky Gervais doing . . . whatever it was they were doing . . . but the reaction shot of Alan Cumming’s face tickled the hell out of me.

7. The Golden Globes is a lesson in why you wear glasses up to the stage. Denzel Washington couldn’t read his speech, and Maura Tierney looked adorable. (I wish she hadn’t felt the need to call herself a four-eyes, though. Does anyone even still say that, like, even in elementary school? I’d be really for people who need glasses actually wearing them to big glamorous events like this.)

8. Melissa Benoist and Grant Gustin looked super cute as presenters. They also looked like they were going to their high school prom. Oh my GOD, I want that now. Superhero crossover undercover prom episode!

9. Evidence of how much I really didn’t give a damn about the Globes this year: my DVR cut off the last award, and I didn’t even notice until going through someone else’s recap online the next day. Whoops.

And finally, for the only part I did care about: fashion.


Laverne Cox
Stunning. That’s about all I got for you. She looks beautiful.

Brie Larson
Sometimes, I like the whole match your soon-to-be-award thing. This is one of those times. It glittered so nicely under the sun. (Also, I admit, I just have a big soft spot for Brie Larson.)

Jaime Alexander
This was a little different, but I enjoyed it. That particularly shade of green kind of reminds me of aliens and sci-fi (which, obviously awesome), but it’s also still all elegant and refined-like.

Gina Rodriguez
It’s a lovely shade of blue, and damn it, she just looks adorable.

There’s something about this. I feel like I wouldn’t normally like it, but the deep red is gorgeous and it looks like it’d be a lot of fun to twirl around in.

Jennifer Lopez
A lot of the leg poses did nothing for me (they will always and forever remind me of Angelina Jolie), but I loved the cape, and mustard yellow is a hard color to pull off.

David Oyelowo
I like that David Oyelowo always wears something unusual to these things unlike virtually every other man. The pattern is totally fun, and the suit looks really good on him.

Jamie Foxx
It’s not as original as David Oyelowo’s, clearly, but I am a bit of a sucker for black on black. Besides, it’s still different from The Suit That Every Man Wears.

And also a special shout out to Rooney Mara, whose dress I’m sure everyone hated but kind of worked for me on a costume level. Like, okay, I would never have worn it myself. (Not that I could have. That dress is meant for a very specific body type. Ladies with large breasts need not apply.) But it kind of reminded of a ratty doll from a 1920’s haunted house or something? I don’t know, I just kind of enjoyed it. (Plus, her braid reminded me of something out of Star Wars, which is exactly the type of thing I’d like to do if I ever made it on a Red Carpet for some bizarre reason.)

(I feel like I should also award The Rock for, like David Oyelowo and Jamie Foxx, wearing something other than The Same Suit Every Man Wears . . . but there’s just something about velvet suits that kind of make my skin itch just by looking at them. So, no.)


Jane Fonda
The ruffles on this thing, my God. WHY?

Cate Blanchett
It’s . . . like a weird 20’s bathrobe with fringe or something?

Bryce Dallas Howard
I just don’t like much about it at all, not the material, not the neckline, the sleeves. It kind of seems like something a much older woman would wear, although I know that’s kind of an annoying criticism cause, like, wear whatever “age” you want, right? I’m 30 and I’ll have mini pigtails if I feel like it! Still, it’s not my favorite.

Regina King
I don’t like the material of the dress at all, and it feels so mismatched with the white superhero cape. (And I like superhero capes! But . . . not with this?)

Natalie Dormer
It’s not Jane Fonda’s ruffles or anything, but I just don’t get this dress at all. And her hair is weirdly messy, too, which normally wouldn’t bother me so much (after all, sometimes you’d think I don’t brush my hair for how frizzy it gets), but this is Natalie Dormer, and her hair is usually so fantastic.

And, finally, every man who wasn’t dressed in anything interesting at all, so, like 98% of you. (I was going to search names and make a big long list, but I have other stuff I want to get done now, so maybe for the Oscars.) You shouldn’t get to wear the same suit every year, or, for that matter, the same suit as anyone else on the Red Carpet. If two women can’t appear in the same dress, then two men shouldn’t be able to appear in the same suit, either. I demand exciting mens fashions, and outraged horror when guys repeat their same looks again and again.

The Emmys, 2015

I really don’t know why I watch these things. I’m rarely a fan of anything that’s nominated, and most of the speeches either bore me or make me cry. Nothing that I would normally sign up for, and yet? I will probably be a sucker for awards shows for the rest of my life.

Here are the notes I have for you today.

1. Andy Samberg? Eh. He made me laugh a few times, mostly during that first song, but a lot of his jokes felt kind of flat to me. I wasn’t a huge fan, but he wasn’t, like, the worst host I’ve ever seen. Frankly, I’m still of the opinion that we could save ourselves a whole lot of time and awkwardness by just eliminating the opening monologue from every award show all together and having the host just crack a few jokes between awards.

This, of course, will never happen, but I will continue to dream for it.

2. My favorite joke of the night probably came from John Oliver and, admittedly, I’m a little in love with John Oliver. But his mini-rant about Alex Trebek cracked me up because it’s so true — Trebek does passive aggressively insult all of the contestants’ hobbies. I love Jeopardy, but it’s a pretty rare episode where I watch it and don’t tell my television screen, “Trebek, you’re an asshole.”

3. My favorite category in the Emmys is Variety, simply because I’m actually familiar with most of the nominees. When Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series was presented, I was like, “Holy shit, I actually watch ALL of these! I don’t even care who wins. Everyone’s a winner! I’m a winner!” (Though I was pulling for Last Week Tonight over The Daily Show when it came to Outstanding Variety Talk Series — but I wasn’t going to begrudge Jon Stewart for his last Emmy win, either. Oh, Stewart. How I miss you.)

On the other hand, Limited Series/Miniseries? Man. No skin in that game at all. I didn’t watch a single thing nominated in this category, and my only takeaway from last night was that Olive Kitteridge? Apparently the only thing you’ll ever need to watch again.

4. As far as some specific winners go . . .

A. Ecstatic that Inside Amy Schumer won for Best Variety Sketch Show.

B. I don’t watch Mad Men, I don’t care about Mad Men, and even I was like, “Jesus, let Jon Hamm finally win one.” So, that was nice. I feel like there might have been a revolt, otherwise.

C. As an SF nerd, I was definitely pulling for Tatiana Maslany because I enjoy Orphan Black and Maslany’s performance is just incredible — but man, Viola Davis’s speech was eloquent, powerful, and deeply moving. I didn’t realize she was the first black woman to win a Best Lead Actress Emmy until I went on Twitter afterwards. At first I was like, “No, that can’t be right. Oh God, that can’t be right, can it?” And then I was reminded that until Scandal premiered in 2012, there hadn’t been any TV shows with a black female lead since the 1970’s. And then I was like, “Right, so that’s depressing. Fellow white people, let’s progress faster.”

Though that doesn’t seem super likely, as I’ve just read Nancy Lee Grahn’s tweets on the subject. Ugh.

5. Finally, I lied before. I know exactly why I keep coming back to these things, and you probably do too.

My Best Dressed of the Night?

Allison Janney – I haven’t seen much splash about her dress online, but I thought Allison Janney looked exquisite. It’s a beautiful design and fits her body perfectly, and guys, Allison Janney is 55. I didn’t have a body that impressive, you know, ever.

Runners Up:

Taraji P. Henson – Man, she worked this dress. Taraji almost took first place for me, actually. I really liked the chain straps (much more than the ones on Claire Danes’s dress) and the cute little cut-out. She looked fantastic.

Tatiana Maslany – This is something I kind of knew about myself before, but really confirmed this year: I like me a woman in menswear. This white suit is awesome. I feel like the jacket could be a touch tighter, but otherwise, I mean, damn.

Laverne Cox – The cut-outs on the side didn’t do much for me, but this is a stunning shade of blue, and she looks absolutely amazing in it.

Jane Lynch – Again with the menswear. I thought this looked really nice on Jane Lynch. I would totally wear something like this. Only I’d add a fedora because that’s just who I am as a person.

Mindy Kaling – That’s not a shade of yellow/orange that just anyone can pull off, but it looks absolutely beautiful on Mindy Kaling. I kind of wish the sleeves didn’t change color at the end, but I do really like the cut of the sleeves, and the dress fits her perfectly.

Teyonah Parris – I’m unfamiliar with this actress, but I’m a sucker for polka dots and her dress was so much fun. I absolutely adored it.

And finally a bonus shout-out to Fred Armisen who did FREDDY KRUEGER on the Red Carpet. Fred Armisen is my new favorite person.

Now Worst Dressed of the Night . . . well, there’s really no question in my mind who that goes to.

Heidi Klum – I don’t even know what to make of this. It’s like half ice skater, half shredded chicken mascot? I cannot imagine any sane person putting this dress on and going, “Yup. This is the one. I feel SO PRETTY.”

Runners Up:

Jaimie Alexander – Maybe I could have dealt with this if it had been a short dress, like cut above the knee or something? As is . . . nope. I don’t like the material, the colors, or pretty much anything else about it.

Joanna Newsom – I don’t like the weird giant oval thing on her chest, but I could probably deal with it . . . if I hadn’t seen the bottom of the dress too. Together? Nope. So much nope.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – Presumably, this is a very expensive dress by some super well known designer, but what it really reminds me of is a prom dress you might have bought in the mall in the mid-1990’s. Not good.

Kerry Washington – I know, I know. She’s going to make everyone’s Best Dressed list, and she’s easily the best of the worst dressed here. But I’m just really not a fan of that type of shoulder, and I actively can’t stand the bottom of the dress.

Tracee Ellis Ross – Yeah, that dress mostly reminds me of a tiered, pink wedding cake.

And finally Jane Krakowski – I don’t quite understand why people want to put a black sleep mask over their boobs, but it’s the gray sides that I especially don’t like. The skirt of the dress is fine, but I just don’t understand the top part at all.

Well, that’s it for this year. Feel free to comment with your own award winner dreams or fashion critiques.

So, The 2015 Oscars Happened

I should probably have posted my Oscars commentary yesterday instead of my New Orleans recap, but, well, I didn’t feel like it. So you get it today.

1. Let’s talk pre-show first: did anyone else see that hysterically awkward interview with Dakota Johnson and Melanie Griffith? Oh. My. God. Melanie Griffith was so stilted and disapproving, and Dakota Johnson was super passive aggressive, and the whole thing was totally bizarre. Taking your mom to the Oscars is sweet, but when she seems all disappointed in your life choices, I don’t know. Maybe take your BFF instead?

2. But the pre-show awkwardness could not solely belong to the Johnson/Griffith family. After all, John Travolta was present. Between grabbing Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet and weirdly fondling Idina Menzel’s face on stage, John Travolta wins the Oscar for Total Creeper.

3. So, Neil Patrick Harris.

I really enjoyed the opening number — there was a shout-out to Clue! — and a few of the jokes landed for me, but on the whole? Eh. Which is too bad because I really like NPH — I mean, the dude’s likable — but I found the majority of the jokes awkward and the one about Dana Perry’s dress in pretty poor taste. (I mean, I didn’t like the dress either because it was terrible, but the woman had just finished talking about her son who committed suicide. Maybe wait five minutes before we start making fun of her?)

Regardless, I still wouldn’t call Neil Patrick Harris the worst Oscar host ever or anything. I don’t really think anyone’s ever going to take that crown from James Franco. (I won’t include Anne Hathaway in that. I still feel sorry for her.)

4. Although NPH did kind of fail in his duties to keep things running on time. 8:20 comes along and there are at least seven more awards to give, but by all means, dude, keep casually going on with that briefcase joke. (Which mostly didn’t pay off, except the part where he made fun of John Travolta. That made me laugh.)

5. The big showstoppers that everyone was talking about: Common and John Legend singing, “Glory,” and Lady Gaga doing a medley of The Sound of Music.

To be fair to Lady Gaga, I think she did a tremendous job in her performance. Everyone’s been buzzing about her voice, and rightly so. I think my problem has more to do with the timing. “Glory” was such a beautiful, moving, and meaningful song that to put anything after it seemed like a waste. Lady Gaga’s performance itself was impressive, but songs about nuns and whiskers on kittens just don’t have the same kind of weight.

6. As far as the awards go . . . per usual, there weren’t a lot of big shockers. Like Eddie Redmayne getting the Oscar instead of Michael Keaton. A tiny bit surprising, maybe, but it’s not like Steve Carrell won or anything. (Also, Redmayne was pretty adorable.) I’m still annoyed that Birdman won over The Grand Budapest Hotel for Best Original Screenplay. Admittedly, I wouldn’t have picked Birdman for Best Picture, either, but screenplay specifically annoys me because I don’t think the script was all that impressive.

Also — and keep in mind I haven’t seen either movie — but how did Whiplash beat out Boyhood for Best Editing? Boyhood had, like, over a decade of footage to go through. I kind of thought that was a shoo-in.

7. The best speeches of the night were surprisingly political or inspirational. Common and John Legend spoke super eloquently, while Patricia Arquette managed to get the unusual combination of Meryl Streep and J-Lo on their feet screaming HELLS YES. (Everyone wants to see them in a buddy cop movie now, right? I’d watch that. And Streep might as well do it — she’ll still manage to get an Oscar nod out of it. I kid, but only a little: I know it’s not fair because I haven’t even seen Into the Woods yet, but come on. Meryl Streep doesn’t need to be nominated for EVERY single thing she does.)

Still, I think the most powerful speech to me was Graham Moore’s. That was a very brave thing he did, and I was quite moved.

8. I was less moved by the In Memoriam section, unfortunately. Maybe we’d have more time to include actual clips of peoples’ work or, you know, mention people like Joan Rivers if we cut out some of the more annoying, extraneous stuff, like the ongoing briefcase joke or that fucking memorial song. Seriously, screw that song. Over the past few years, the In Memoriam section has come to feel like it’s selling something, and I hate that.

9. Finally, let’s talk fashion. (I know there’s a movement for people asking actresses more interesting questions than “Who are you wearing?” on the red carpet, which I support, but I’m never going to want to get rid of the fashion talk entirely. I like perty dresses. I won’t lie about that.)


Lupita Nyong’o

I would imagine that pulling off a dress made out almost entirely of pearls would be kind of hard. But Lupita Nyong’o looks pretty damn amazing here.


David Oyelowo

I rarely put men on these lists because their suits are usually so boring, but I kind of adored this red number. Good on you, Mr. Oyelowo, for doing something interesting.

Margot Robbie

It kind of looks like a slinky bathrobe, I know, but there’s a whole noir quality to it that slowly grew on me. (I still hate the necklace, though.)

Rosamund Pike

She kept posing with this, like, modified Angelina Jolie leg that kind of drove me nuts. Still, the dress is pretty and looks great on her.


I don’t think I actually know who this is (although I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her on Fashion Police before), but I love the old school white dress with the awesome hair. I only wish the dress was tailored a little better — I don’t think it should be quite as wrinkly.

Keira Knightley

It’s still a little busy for my tastes. (Although for Keira Knightley, it’s clearly tame). But is has kind of a soft, romantic sensibility to it that I enjoy, at least on other people.


Marion Cotillard

From the front, I actually quite liked this. From the back . . . we have problems.

Jared Leto

Well, I suppose it wasn’t boring, at least. Still. This is pretty awful. Can we forever retire the baby blue men’s suit? Please? And oh my GOD, man, do something about your hair. Pull it back, trim it, something.

Julianne Moore

I think this made a lot of people’s Best Dressed, but wow, not mine. The black spots at the waist seemed really misplaced to me and, anyway, mostly reminded me of mold. Not a fan.

Jessica Chastain

Again, apparently people liked this, but I don’t get it. It’s like two dresses in one: Oscar splendor and Vegas showgirl, which, okay, sounds neat . . . but the execution leaves something to be desired. The dress somehow makes her look really wide (which, yeah, she’s not), I hate the double necklines, and the slit strikes me as too much on an already complicated dress.

Sienna Miller

This dress was already on my worst list because of the multiple bows . . . and then I saw the bottom. No.


Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh, honey. The 80’s called and they’d like their prom dress back.

My Much Belated Golden Globes Commentary

So, the Golden Globes happened, like, days ago. Here are my somewhat-less-timely thoughts.

1. Sadly, this is the last year that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are hosting. Per usual, I enjoyed the hell out of them. I did feel kind of awkward about the Bill Cosby jokes, but I also laughed pretty hard at the bit with George Clooney’s lifetime achievement award. Also this: “Firth, for a polite amount of time.”

2. ICU had an Academy Awards pool last year. If I’d entered, I would’ve won, like, ALL the money. On the other hand, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t participate in any theoretical Golden Globes pools, as the sheer number of incorrect guesses would have almost certainly shamed both me and any descendants I might have for about a hundred years to come.

Although how I was supposed to guess that How to Train Your Dragon 2 would beat out both The Lego Movie and Big Hero 6, I don’t know. Also, I was amused that The Grand Budapest Hotel won for Best Comedy despite the fact that it didn’t win a single award in any other category. (On the other hand, I really enjoyed The Grand Budapest Hotel, so I was happy to see it win for something.)

3. I’ll admit to fast-forwarding past a lot of the speeches (I was on the clock, people), but of the ones I did watch, my favorite definitely went to Gina Rodriguez. She kinda made me tear up, dammit.

4. I like Jeremy Renner, but he’s always struck me as incredibly awkward person. Like if he has to talk live, I kind of cringe on his behalf. He just looks so uneasy and stilted.

As far as the boob joke goes . . . I don’t know. I’ll admit to laughing, because I did. I also thought, Maybe not the best idea, Renner. Cause Jennifer Lopez genuinely doesn’t seem offended, which is great — except if she secretly had been, it would have put her in a really awkward position. Imagine if J-Lo had said, “You know, that actually made me a little uncomfortable.” I bet some people would be supportive of her. I bet many more people would be angry at her for taking it “too seriously” or argue that she can’t be offended because of the type of clothes she wears. I suspect she’d get called a lot of ugly words for being honest. Online threats would not be in any way surprising. Knowing this, how many women might choose to play along rather than risk being ostracized by a world that thinks “feminist” is a dirty word?

I personally didn’t find the joke offensive in and of itself. And I, too, sometimes get frustrated trying to navigate what’s “safe” to say. But I also think that ignoring the very real and complicated gender politics in play by telling everyone to lighten up and refusing to even acknowledge that there could be another side to this issue? I think that’s kind of shitty. Jeremy Renner’s offhand, annoyed response irritates me more than his actual joke did.

5. All right, let’s pull back from the Serious Stuff and focus on what’s really important: all of the terrible facial hair. Jamie Dornan, your beard is a little too big for your face, but I’m prepared to give you a pass for now. Jared Leto and especially Matthew McConaughey, though. This is unacceptable.

6. Finally, fashion:


I’m a sucker for pants. I’d wear the hell out of this if I ever felt comfortable enough with my midriff. (And if I was important enough that someone would feel comfortable loaning me a bazillion dollar necklace.)


Emma Stone
See above. The bustle’s a bit big for me, but otherwise, yeah. This is awesome.

Kate Hudson
Holy God, how this dress fits her. I mean, damn. I wish I liked her movies anywhere near as much as I like her fashion.

Katherine Heigl
Again, it’s all about the fit. The dress is fairly simple (you know, for an awards show), but I like the color and the cut of it looks amazing on her.

Naomi Watts
Yellow is a hard color to rock, especially for a blonde. Naomi Watts rocks it.


Kerry Washington
The blue sides read to me like a last-minute effort to make the dress more interesting. They feel ill-conceived and out of place. Also, the length seems a little off.

Julianne Moore
The shiny tinfoil top is okay, if a bit boring, but the transition into gray and black feathers is just not good.

Claire Danes
I will admit that up close the pattern isn’t quite so awful. But the sizing is all wrong, and covering up a deep plunge neckline with dark illusion netting? No.

Lana del Rey
This is the kind of dress you see at a Homecoming dance. Or maybe a low-rent play about  Aphrodite coming out of the sea.


Keira Knightley
Man, I like Keira Knightley, but what the hell is this dress? Between the lace doily top and the lace ruffle bottom and the giant butterfly on her hand and the dozens of awful butterflies and feathers and whatever else is sewn into this thing . . . no. Just no.

A Month Early and a Day Late . . . The 2014 Emmys

1. Opinions may be divided, but I actually thought Seth Meyers was a fairly decent host. He doesn’t seem to have the natural energy and charisma that some other hosts have, but I actually enjoyed the majority of his opening monologue, which — outside Tina Fey and Amy Poehler — seems rare for me, these days. I liked that the emphasis was more on industry humor than roasting specific celebrities, for once. (Not that making fun of celebrities can’t be a good time — but the material is often several years old, and sometimes, the jokes are just unnecessarily mean.) I laughed especially hard at this: “That’s right, kids. Jesse Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn’t make it. Sleep tight.”

2. Truth be told, I didn’t much care about who won what, since I don’t actually watch the majority of the shows that were nominated. (I even dropped Scandal last season, although I’m considering trying to start fresh in Season Four and see if I can get back into the crazy soap I once loved.) I was surprised about the The Normal Heart, though — I’ve gotta admit, I kind of assumed it would sweep. But the only thing it took home, in the end, was Best TV Movie or Miniseries. (Admittedly, if you’re going to win only one, I suppose that’s the one to win, although I always think it’s weird when a program or movie wins the top prize if they didn’t win a single acting, writing, or direction award. Then again, who knows, maybe The Normal Heart won a whole bunch of Creative Emmys that I’m too lazy to look up right now.)

Anyway, I was happy to see Sherlock take as many awards as it did. Surprised, but happy. I enjoyed last season a lot more than the previous one, and I liked His Last Vow quite a bit. Up until the last thirty seconds anyway.

3. As you may or may not remember, awards shows are rarely ever scheduled for my convenience. Moving it to Monday didn’t help much, unfortunately, so I did my usual ‘tape the earlier broadcast and hastily watch the recorded version before I have to go to work’ method of Emmy-viewing. And by hastily, I mean I fast-forwarded past the commercials and anything else that looked totally boring. Apparently, I fast-forwarded past one of the better parts of the ceremony, actually, which was some pre-taped thing called Billy On the Street? Oh well, my regrets are limited.

Cause, yeah. I gave Weird Al about two songs before I gave up and moved on. It made me a little sad to do it, because Weird Al was my very first concert, but still. Those parody songs seemed almost painfully unfunny. I also skipped the Q&A session with the stars because that seemed pretty painful too.

4. Other Things That Didn’t Work:

4A: Stephen Colbert’s ‘invisible friend’ bit. Which kills me to say because I love Stephen Colbert, and he did, at least, commit to the whole joke. Still. It was awkward.

4B. Singling out Julia Roberts for a special highlight reel when none of the other supporting actress nominees got the same attention? Dude, that’s kind of bullshit. I don’t care if she’s a Big Time Movie Star. Who thought this was a good idea?

4C. The thing about Sofia Vergara . . . look. I didn’t feel particularly offended by the joke, but I also think it was ill-conceived. Like, I don’t mind someone doing a bit about how sex appeal livens up a boring speech. That’s fine. And Sofia Vergara is an incredibly sexy woman who seems totally confident in herself and her body. That’s great. But here’s the thing: I could be wrong, of course, but I’m going to take a stab and say that nobody suggested a man stand up there on a rotating platform and Just Be Sexy. Which is crap. There shouldn’t be a gender default for sex appeal. If you just want someone to stand around and look hot (and do absolutely nothing else), your go-to shouldn’t ALWAYS be a woman. Because that’s the kind of thing that leads people to think that’s all women should be valued for.

Others might feel differently, but I suspect I wouldn’t have minded this joke as much, or possibly at all, if we could just have some equal opportunity. There’s no reason a man and a woman couldn’t have been on stage together looking hot. I, personally, would have been okay with seeing Matt Bomer up there, or plenty of other actors in the audience. But you know if a man had been up there, they’d have made it a joke — like it’d be Sofia Vergara and some frumpy comedian dude making a lot of exaggerated and awful ‘I’m so sexy’ poses. I find that frustrating.

But in general, putting a live woman on a spinning platform like she’s a new car is probably not going to go over well with a lot of people. I’m a little surprised that needs to be said, but there you go.

5. I might have put the bit about Julia Louis-Dreyfuss forgetting that she made out with Bryan Cranston on Seinfeld in the Fail Section, too — just because it was such an obvious joke  — but it paid off pretty well when she won for Best Actress, and he attacked her with his lips, and she reciprocated in kind, basically all, “Yup, he was that guy on Seinfeld.”

Nicely played, you two. Nicely played.

6. I see that, since MORTAL KOMBAT was successfully averted last year, The Amazing Race has started its second shot at winning ten straight tournaments in a row. Let’s all agree to meet back here in a decade and see how they did, okay?

7. Finally, the most important part of the evening: fashion.

Since Mekaela is usually working during the pre-awards stuff, I usually watch the stars arriving on the red carpet without her and send emails every thirty minutes with updates on who’s wearing what godawful looking thing and why would you ever wear that, WHY, that dress should be burned and its ashes should be scattered so it doesn’t spontaneously resurrect.

Unfortunately, I slept through the majority of the red carpet yesterday — I needed the sleep to make up for the absolute ZERO sleep I’m currently getting right now — so I couldn’t fulfill my usual email commentary tradition, which made me sad. Thankfully, I could still look at the various internet galleries to get a good look at all the dresses I missed.

I think my Best Dressed would have to go to Lizzy Caplan, whose black and white dress I really liked. Honorable mentions, though, go to Sofia Vergara, Uzo Aduba, Laverne Cox, Robin Wright, and Christine Baranski.

But I’ll be honest, I wasn’t particularly overwhelmed by the vast majority of dresses this year. Ugly ass dresses, though, were everywhere to be found. I’m afraid Worst Dressed would have to go to Sarah Paulson because what. The. HELL. But other contenders were Lena Dunham, Laura PreponAllison WilliamsClaire Danes, and Amanda Peet.

And let’s be clear, Lena Dunham. I don’t care that you’re almost certainly doing this on purpose — I would still put you as Worst Dressed if I didn’t hate Sarah Paulson’s dress so damn much that I’d like to attack it with garden shears.

Well, that’s it for the Emmys this year, folks. Return next year to see if John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight gets nominated for the first time, if Tatiana Maslany gets nominated ever, and who turns out to be the new Drama darling now that Breaking Bad is over.

Golden Globes, 2014

The Golden Globes were pretty fun this year. I don’t think I have any particularly deep insights about them, but here were a few highlights.

1. To no one’s great surprise, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler continue to be awesome hosts.

2. Also, Amy Poehler wins for Parks & Recreation! And Elisabeth Moss wins for Top of the Lake! And yes, maybe I haven’t watched either of these things, but I like both actresses, and I’m interested in trying out both shows. (Seriously, this might actually be the year where I FINALLY catch up on Parks & Rec. Netflix is the best.)

3. Emma Thompson drinks, doesn’t wear shoes, and is otherwise hilarious on stage.

4. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is also pretty hilarious. I’m vaguely interested in trying Veep now, which is unfortunate because my list of To-Watch Shows is already pretty ridiculously long.

5. Kate Beckinsale goes up with P.Diddy and Usher to present the music awards because . . . why, exactly? Also, while I don’t particularly care for Usher’s music, he kind of rocked the purple suit. Certainly more than Matthew McConaughey rocked the green velvet. (Apparently, lots of people like the green velvet, but I was not a fan. I am not a fan of velvet in general, colored or otherwise.)

6. Still, I suppose it was at least more interesting than The Same Suit Every Man Wore. (I mean, good Lord. I suppose there were some subtle differences and all, but you could never catch women wearing such similar dresses without it being a Thing.)

7. Best dressed, hands down, was Lupita Nyong’o from 12 Years a Slave. She looked GORGEOUS. I am deeply envious of how beautiful this woman is. (Well, not deeply envious. I’m basically okay with my own my face, cause, you know. It’s mine, and it’d be weird to permanently trade it in. But if I could do it for a day . . . shit, yes. I would happily look like Lupita Nyong’o for a day.)

Other worthy contenders: Hayden Panettiere, Kerry Washington, Julianna Marguilies, and Emma Watson.

8. Worst dressed, on the other hand, goes to Paula Patton, I think. What the hell is that white thing on her shoulder?

Runners Up: Zoe Saldana, Drew Barrymore, Edie Falco, Julie Bowen, Olivia Wilde.

9. Spike Jonze wins Best Screenplay for Her, while Alfonso Cuaron wins Best Director for Gravity, and 12 Years a Slave wins Best Film. This is how I predict the Oscars will go as well.

10. Finally, Jon Voight wins Best Supporting Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series, or Motion Picture. (Which is the STUPIDEST category — okay, fine, fine, I’m done.) And not to totally belittle Voight’s work and all, but . . . what the hell is Ray Donovan even about again? Honestly, I kind of forgot that show even existed.

Your Belated 2012 Oscars Commentary . . .

1. Billy Crystal has hosted the Academy Awards nine times now and, well, perhaps that’s not such a good thing.

I laughed at a couple of jokes, I guess, but not very many of them. At least 90% of the material felt tired and flat, and I literally yawned through the Billy-Crystal-inserts-himself-into-the-Best-Picture-nominees opener. You know, it was funny the first, what, three times maybe? After that, it’s time to find a new shtick.

Although. Billy Crystal was still better than Anne Hathaway and James Franco last year. Pretty much anyone would have been.

2. I’m a bit ashamed to say I haven’t seen any of the Best Picture nominees this year, not one. (And I’m pretty interested in Hugo and The Artist, too. I just never got around to seeing them. I’m also somewhat interested in The Descendants and Midnight in Paris, and you’ll have to force me at gunpoint to watch War Horse or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.)

So, if you want on opinion on whether The Artist deserved to win over, say, The Help? Yeah, I can’t give that to you. I can ask . . . how in the hell did Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close even get nominated for Best Picture? Yeah, I didn’t see the movie, but it only got one other nomination, one, for Best Supporting Actor. It apparently wasn’t worthy of a nod for directing, lead acting, screenwriting, cinematography, editing, costuming, or sound mixing, but it managed a Best Picture nomination? What?

3. All in all, there really weren’t any big surprises this year. A lot of magazines and websites I looked at were insisting that George Clooney was the front runner, so I felt vindicated when Jean Dujardin won. HA! I was right!

4. I still can’t believe there were only two nominees for Best Original Song. Well, congrats, I guess, Bret McKenzie and The Muppets. You overcame fierce odds.

5. Fashion at any award ceremony is fun to look at. My own personal favorite?

Runners Up? Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie, and Rooney Mara.

Now as for worst . . . I have to give that to Melissa Leo.

Ugh. Runners up: Missi Pyle, Viola Davis, and Anna Faris.

6. The Cirque du Soleil performance was a bit random, I suppose, but since it was also one of the only interesting parts of the Oscars, I was cool with it.

7. Best Presenter? Chris Rock. The animation bit was hilarious. Second best? Emma Stone. Her thing with Ben Stiller was okay . . . he seemed kind of awkward to me . . . but I like the way she commits.

8. Best Speech: Christopher Plummer

“Only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?”


Runner up for Best Speech:

Less because it was particularly eloquent and more because it was sweet and seemed honest. (Although a speech like this is exactly the reason I would write something out ahead of time, whether I thought I was going to win or not . . . you know, in the exceptionally unlikely event that I am ever nominated for an Academy Award. I would be a blubbering mess. There’s no point in denying it. Tears, tears everywhere.)

9. It’s one thing to play someone off the stage. It’s quite something else to completely turn off a winner’s mic. Academy, you bastards.

10. Finally, there was a movie montage very early in the ceremony. I’m a sucker for a good movie montage, so I was pretty happy . . . until I saw the, er, progression of said montage. We went from Forrest Gump (Best Picture Winner) to Titanic (Best Picture Winner) to . . . Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part One (wait, WHAT?).

Sometimes, Academy, it’s really hard to take you seriously.