I’m gonna be real with you guys: I almost didn’t watch the Golden Globes this year. Not out of protest or anything. I just found that I really didn’t give a damn. But there wasn’t much on Sunday night anyway (because everything I love is apparently on Tuesdays, damn it), so we ended up checking it out after all, fast-forwarding liberally through commercials, acceptance speeches, and any and all gags that involved people wearing bear heads. Because seriously.

Here is the rest of your arbitrary commentary:

1. Ricky Gervais? Meh. I don’t mind him in stuff, but his hosting gigs usually leave me a little cold. Some jokes made me laugh, like the bit about how no one cares about that award as much as the winner, or the joke about how the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press (rather than an In Memoriam section) is here to depress the audience. But then of course there were the depressingly predictable trans jokes, so, yeah. I’m still pushing for Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele next year.

2. On the plus side, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera were the best presenters of the night, so maybe they can host next year. (Second place in Favorite Presenter would probably go to Jim Carrey and his giant grizzly man beard. Ooh, or actually maybe Jaime Alexander for “Who’s typing this shit?”)

3. Meanwhile, Taraji P. Henson wins for Best Acceptance speech. And for working the Red Carpet the hardest. My God. Nobody brings the sass like Taraji.

4. Holy shit, it was surreal enough just seeing Christian Slater at an awards ceremony, and then he won. Like, I had huge crush on him in high school after discovering Heathers for the first time, but his career has seemed to be spiraling downward for, what? Fifteen, twenty years? I wish I could say I watched Mr. Robot, but I don’t, even though I’ve yet to see a bad review of it AND it’s been personally recommended to me twice. People are like, “It’s so amazing! It’s got an unreliable narrator! It’s hard to know what’s even real!” And I’m like, “Yeah, so, that’s almost the opposite of everything I’m looking for in a story.”

5. Matt Damon won. On one hand, The Martian is kind of a weird choice for Best Comedy. (Although, to be fair, it is pretty funny . . . you know, when it isn’t making you weep.) On the other hand, I actually watched and liked The Martian, so, you know. ACTUAL INVESTMENT.

6. I wasn’t at all paying attention to Mel Gibson and Ricky Gervais doing . . . whatever it was they were doing . . . but the reaction shot of Alan Cumming’s face tickled the hell out of me.

7. The Golden Globes is a lesson in why you wear glasses up to the stage. Denzel Washington couldn’t read his speech, and Maura Tierney looked adorable. (I wish she hadn’t felt the need to call herself a four-eyes, though. Does anyone even still say that, like, even in elementary school? I’d be really for people who need glasses actually wearing them to big glamorous events like this.)

8. Melissa Benoist and Grant Gustin looked super cute as presenters. They also looked like they were going to their high school prom. Oh my GOD, I want that now. Superhero crossover undercover prom episode!

9. Evidence of how much I really didn’t give a damn about the Globes this year: my DVR cut off the last award, and I didn’t even notice until going through someone else’s recap online the next day. Whoops.

And finally, for the only part I did care about: fashion.

MY FAVORITE:

Laverne Cox
Stunning. That’s about all I got for you. She looks beautiful.

Brie Larson
Sometimes, I like the whole match your soon-to-be-award thing. This is one of those times. It glittered so nicely under the sun. (Also, I admit, I just have a big soft spot for Brie Larson.)

Jaime Alexander
This was a little different, but I enjoyed it. That particularly shade of green kind of reminds me of aliens and sci-fi (which, obviously awesome), but it’s also still all elegant and refined-like.

Gina Rodriguez
It’s a lovely shade of blue, and damn it, she just looks adorable.

Zendaya
There’s something about this. I feel like I wouldn’t normally like it, but the deep red is gorgeous and it looks like it’d be a lot of fun to twirl around in.

Jennifer Lopez
A lot of the leg poses did nothing for me (they will always and forever remind me of Angelina Jolie), but I loved the cape, and mustard yellow is a hard color to pull off.

David Oyelowo
I like that David Oyelowo always wears something unusual to these things unlike virtually every other man. The pattern is totally fun, and the suit looks really good on him.

Jamie Foxx
It’s not as original as David Oyelowo’s, clearly, but I am a bit of a sucker for black on black. Besides, it’s still different from The Suit That Every Man Wears.

And also a special shout out to Rooney Mara, whose dress I’m sure everyone hated but kind of worked for me on a costume level. Like, okay, I would never have worn it myself. (Not that I could have. That dress is meant for a very specific body type. Ladies with large breasts need not apply.) But it kind of reminded of a ratty doll from a 1920’s haunted house or something? I don’t know, I just kind of enjoyed it. (Plus, her braid reminded me of something out of Star Wars, which is exactly the type of thing I’d like to do if I ever made it on a Red Carpet for some bizarre reason.)

(I feel like I should also award The Rock for, like David Oyelowo and Jamie Foxx, wearing something other than The Same Suit Every Man Wears . . . but there’s just something about velvet suits that kind of make my skin itch just by looking at them. So, no.)

MY LEAST FAVORITE:

Jane Fonda
The ruffles on this thing, my God. WHY?

Cate Blanchett
It’s . . . like a weird 20’s bathrobe with fringe or something?

Bryce Dallas Howard
I just don’t like much about it at all, not the material, not the neckline, the sleeves. It kind of seems like something a much older woman would wear, although I know that’s kind of an annoying criticism cause, like, wear whatever “age” you want, right? I’m 30 and I’ll have mini pigtails if I feel like it! Still, it’s not my favorite.

Regina King
I don’t like the material of the dress at all, and it feels so mismatched with the white superhero cape. (And I like superhero capes! But . . . not with this?)

Natalie Dormer
It’s not Jane Fonda’s ruffles or anything, but I just don’t get this dress at all. And her hair is weirdly messy, too, which normally wouldn’t bother me so much (after all, sometimes you’d think I don’t brush my hair for how frizzy it gets), but this is Natalie Dormer, and her hair is usually so fantastic.

And, finally, every man who wasn’t dressed in anything interesting at all, so, like 98% of you. (I was going to search names and make a big long list, but I have other stuff I want to get done now, so maybe for the Oscars.) You shouldn’t get to wear the same suit every year, or, for that matter, the same suit as anyone else on the Red Carpet. If two women can’t appear in the same dress, then two men shouldn’t be able to appear in the same suit, either. I demand exciting mens fashions, and outraged horror when guys repeat their same looks again and again.

I should probably have posted my Oscars commentary yesterday instead of my New Orleans recap, but, well, I didn’t feel like it. So you get it today.

1. Let’s talk pre-show first: did anyone else see that hysterically awkward interview with Dakota Johnson and Melanie Griffith? Oh. My. God. Melanie Griffith was so stilted and disapproving, and Dakota Johnson was super passive aggressive, and the whole thing was totally bizarre. Taking your mom to the Oscars is sweet, but when she seems all disappointed in your life choices, I don’t know. Maybe take your BFF instead?

2. But the pre-show awkwardness could not solely belong to the Johnson/Griffith family. After all, John Travolta was present. Between grabbing Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet and weirdly fondling Idina Menzel’s face on stage, John Travolta wins the Oscar for Total Creeper.

3. So, Neil Patrick Harris.

I really enjoyed the opening number — there was a shout-out to Clue! — and a few of the jokes landed for me, but on the whole? Eh. Which is too bad because I really like NPH — I mean, the dude’s likable — but I found the majority of the jokes awkward and the one about Dana Perry’s dress in pretty poor taste. (I mean, I didn’t like the dress either because it was terrible, but the woman had just finished talking about her son who committed suicide. Maybe wait five minutes before we start making fun of her?)

Regardless, I still wouldn’t call Neil Patrick Harris the worst Oscar host ever or anything. I don’t really think anyone’s ever going to take that crown from James Franco. (I won’t include Anne Hathaway in that. I still feel sorry for her.)

4. Although NPH did kind of fail in his duties to keep things running on time. 8:20 comes along and there are at least seven more awards to give, but by all means, dude, keep casually going on with that briefcase joke. (Which mostly didn’t pay off, except the part where he made fun of John Travolta. That made me laugh.)

5. The big showstoppers that everyone was talking about: Common and John Legend singing, “Glory,” and Lady Gaga doing a medley of The Sound of Music.

To be fair to Lady Gaga, I think she did a tremendous job in her performance. Everyone’s been buzzing about her voice, and rightly so. I think my problem has more to do with the timing. “Glory” was such a beautiful, moving, and meaningful song that to put anything after it seemed like a waste. Lady Gaga’s performance itself was impressive, but songs about nuns and whiskers on kittens just don’t have the same kind of weight.

6. As far as the awards go . . . per usual, there weren’t a lot of big shockers. Like Eddie Redmayne getting the Oscar instead of Michael Keaton. A tiny bit surprising, maybe, but it’s not like Steve Carrell won or anything. (Also, Redmayne was pretty adorable.) I’m still annoyed that Birdman won over The Grand Budapest Hotel for Best Original Screenplay. Admittedly, I wouldn’t have picked Birdman for Best Picture, either, but screenplay specifically annoys me because I don’t think the script was all that impressive.

Also — and keep in mind I haven’t seen either movie — but how did Whiplash beat out Boyhood for Best Editing? Boyhood had, like, over a decade of footage to go through. I kind of thought that was a shoo-in.

7. The best speeches of the night were surprisingly political or inspirational. Common and John Legend spoke super eloquently, while Patricia Arquette managed to get the unusual combination of Meryl Streep and J-Lo on their feet screaming HELLS YES. (Everyone wants to see them in a buddy cop movie now, right? I’d watch that. And Streep might as well do it — she’ll still manage to get an Oscar nod out of it. I kid, but only a little: I know it’s not fair because I haven’t even seen Into the Woods yet, but come on. Meryl Streep doesn’t need to be nominated for EVERY single thing she does.)

Still, I think the most powerful speech to me was Graham Moore’s. That was a very brave thing he did, and I was quite moved.

8. I was less moved by the In Memoriam section, unfortunately. Maybe we’d have more time to include actual clips of peoples’ work or, you know, mention people like Joan Rivers if we cut out some of the more annoying, extraneous stuff, like the ongoing briefcase joke or that fucking memorial song. Seriously, screw that song. Over the past few years, the In Memoriam section has come to feel like it’s selling something, and I hate that.

9. Finally, let’s talk fashion. (I know there’s a movement for people asking actresses more interesting questions than “Who are you wearing?” on the red carpet, which I support, but I’m never going to want to get rid of the fashion talk entirely. I like perty dresses. I won’t lie about that.)

THE BEST:

Lupita Nyong’o

I would imagine that pulling off a dress made out almost entirely of pearls would be kind of hard. But Lupita Nyong’o looks pretty damn amazing here.

THE GOOD:

David Oyelowo

I rarely put men on these lists because their suits are usually so boring, but I kind of adored this red number. Good on you, Mr. Oyelowo, for doing something interesting.

Margot Robbie

It kind of looks like a slinky bathrobe, I know, but there’s a whole noir quality to it that slowly grew on me. (I still hate the necklace, though.)

Rosamund Pike

She kept posing with this, like, modified Angelina Jolie leg that kind of drove me nuts. Still, the dress is pretty and looks great on her.

Zendaya

I don’t think I actually know who this is (although I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her on Fashion Police before), but I love the old school white dress with the awesome hair. I only wish the dress was tailored a little better — I don’t think it should be quite as wrinkly.

Keira Knightley

It’s still a little busy for my tastes. (Although for Keira Knightley, it’s clearly tame). But is has kind of a soft, romantic sensibility to it that I enjoy, at least on other people.

THE BAD:

Marion Cotillard

From the front, I actually quite liked this. From the back . . . we have problems.

Jared Leto

Well, I suppose it wasn’t boring, at least. Still. This is pretty awful. Can we forever retire the baby blue men’s suit? Please? And oh my GOD, man, do something about your hair. Pull it back, trim it, something.

Julianne Moore

I think this made a lot of people’s Best Dressed, but wow, not mine. The black spots at the waist seemed really misplaced to me and, anyway, mostly reminded me of mold. Not a fan.

Jessica Chastain

Again, apparently people liked this, but I don’t get it. It’s like two dresses in one: Oscar splendor and Vegas showgirl, which, okay, sounds neat . . . but the execution leaves something to be desired. The dress somehow makes her look really wide (which, yeah, she’s not), I hate the double necklines, and the slit strikes me as too much on an already complicated dress.

Sienna Miller

This dress was already on my worst list because of the multiple bows . . . and then I saw the bottom. No.

WORST:

Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh, honey. The 80’s called and they’d like their prom dress back.

So, the Golden Globes happened, like, days ago. Here are my somewhat-less-timely thoughts.

1. Sadly, this is the last year that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are hosting. Per usual, I enjoyed the hell out of them. I did feel kind of awkward about the Bill Cosby jokes, but I also laughed pretty hard at the bit with George Clooney’s lifetime achievement award. Also this: “Firth, for a polite amount of time.”

2. ICU had an Academy Awards pool last year. If I’d entered, I would’ve won, like, ALL the money. On the other hand, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t participate in any theoretical Golden Globes pools, as the sheer number of incorrect guesses would have almost certainly shamed both me and any descendants I might have for about a hundred years to come.

Although how I was supposed to guess that How to Train Your Dragon 2 would beat out both The Lego Movie and Big Hero 6, I don’t know. Also, I was amused that The Grand Budapest Hotel won for Best Comedy despite the fact that it didn’t win a single award in any other category. (On the other hand, I really enjoyed The Grand Budapest Hotel, so I was happy to see it win for something.)

3. I’ll admit to fast-forwarding past a lot of the speeches (I was on the clock, people), but of the ones I did watch, my favorite definitely went to Gina Rodriguez. She kinda made me tear up, dammit.

4. I like Jeremy Renner, but he’s always struck me as incredibly awkward person. Like if he has to talk live, I kind of cringe on his behalf. He just looks so uneasy and stilted.

As far as the boob joke goes . . . I don’t know. I’ll admit to laughing, because I did. I also thought, Maybe not the best idea, Renner. Cause Jennifer Lopez genuinely doesn’t seem offended, which is great — except if she secretly had been, it would have put her in a really awkward position. Imagine if J-Lo had said, “You know, that actually made me a little uncomfortable.” I bet some people would be supportive of her. I bet many more people would be angry at her for taking it “too seriously” or argue that she can’t be offended because of the type of clothes she wears. I suspect she’d get called a lot of ugly words for being honest. Online threats would not be in any way surprising. Knowing this, how many women might choose to play along rather than risk being ostracized by a world that thinks “feminist” is a dirty word?

I personally didn’t find the joke offensive in and of itself. And I, too, sometimes get frustrated trying to navigate what’s “safe” to say. But I also think that ignoring the very real and complicated gender politics in play by telling everyone to lighten up and refusing to even acknowledge that there could be another side to this issue? I think that’s kind of shitty. Jeremy Renner’s offhand, annoyed response irritates me more than his actual joke did.

5. All right, let’s pull back from the Serious Stuff and focus on what’s really important: all of the terrible facial hair. Jamie Dornan, your beard is a little too big for your face, but I’m prepared to give you a pass for now. Jared Leto and especially Matthew McConaughey, though. This is unacceptable.

6. Finally, fashion:

THE BEST:

Lorde
I’m a sucker for pants. I’d wear the hell out of this if I ever felt comfortable enough with my midriff. (And if I was important enough that someone would feel comfortable loaning me a bazillion dollar necklace.)

THE GOOD:

Emma Stone
See above. The bustle’s a bit big for me, but otherwise, yeah. This is awesome.

Kate Hudson
Holy God, how this dress fits her. I mean, damn. I wish I liked her movies anywhere near as much as I like her fashion.

Katherine Heigl
Again, it’s all about the fit. The dress is fairly simple (you know, for an awards show), but I like the color and the cut of it looks amazing on her.

Naomi Watts
Yellow is a hard color to rock, especially for a blonde. Naomi Watts rocks it.

THE BAD:

Kerry Washington
The blue sides read to me like a last-minute effort to make the dress more interesting. They feel ill-conceived and out of place. Also, the length seems a little off.

Julianne Moore
The shiny tinfoil top is okay, if a bit boring, but the transition into gray and black feathers is just not good.

Claire Danes
I will admit that up close the pattern isn’t quite so awful. But the sizing is all wrong, and covering up a deep plunge neckline with dark illusion netting? No.

Lana del Rey
This is the kind of dress you see at a Homecoming dance. Or maybe a low-rent play about  Aphrodite coming out of the sea.

THE WORST:

Keira Knightley
Man, I like Keira Knightley, but what the hell is this dress? Between the lace doily top and the lace ruffle bottom and the giant butterfly on her hand and the dozens of awful butterflies and feathers and whatever else is sewn into this thing . . . no. Just no.